Sick of feeling like a punching bag

[sharpieac]

Outwardly, I'm kind of your stereotypical overweight girl with low self-esteem. Inwardly, I'm a good person, who's kind and funny, who has put herself in really stupid situations, because I need validation or affection from other people. My mom is kind of a tyrant. She always controlled my sister's and my friends, where we went, who we talked to, and she stayed on our case, telling us what was wrong with us and stuff like that. My dad's kind of a pushover and does whatever she says and has told me on many occasions that I would be pretty if I weren't so fat. He didn't even mean it as an insult, that's just how they grew up too. I still am very close with my family. I love them, and have only recently tried to establish some distance from them, thinking that it might help me get over whatever is in the way of me leading a normal life.

 

My sister is pregnant with her third kid with as many men and recently got evicted from her last apartment. Her two kids went to live with my parents and she's living with friends. I have two brothers and they're kind of screwed up too, but less so.

 

I only say that as background info. I got out of town and I just started grad school on a full-scholarship in a new city. I have some distance from my family and I'm really enjoying the challenge of what I'm learning. But the only problem now is that I'm having a hard time forming relationships with people. I either avoid them or I end up getting close to people and being taken advantage of. I'm really quiet and shy, so when I have conversations with people, I usually let them take the lead and just smile and nod and try to be a good and active listener. When I do take acquaintanceship to a deeper level, I usually become friends with somebody who wants to tell me the things I need to do to make myself better. It's almost like having a new parent. Then I end up feeling like crap, because I feel like I'm not doing something I'm supposed to be doing. I tend to feel better when I'm completely alone.

 

I've taken up going for long walks and going to the gym. I cook regularly, trying to stick with healthy meals. And I practice better study habits than I ever have before. So I'm in a good place, and I thought that would fix whatever's wrong with me, but I still can't get it right when it comes to relating to other people.

 

Should I just keep avoiding them until I lose enough weight and have more money and everything's completely under control? That doesn't sound right, but since I've been here, the times that I have tried to connect with other people, I still felt terrified and lacked confidence and just generally felt like a loser. It has not gone smoothly. I'm still the geeky, awkward shrinking violet who needs her mother to do everything for her. When I'm alone, that's not who I am, it's just that that's who comes out when I'm around other people and I don't know how to change that.

[Entropy Smith]

Being social is like a muscle, the more you use it the better you get. I would suggest expanding your social circle slowly and without too much expectations in the beginnning.

 

Especially in the beginning of any potential friendship/relationship avoid too much self disclosure.

 

Keep working on your self, physically and emotionally, and when your social muscle meets your improved self image you'll think back and laugh at this thread.

 

But give yourself goals and plenty of time to reach those goals both pshyically and socially.

 

Go for some sort of counseling if possible. Thats a good place to start also.

[CrazyKing]

If you set your goals in life and want to reach them at all costs, it will BOOST your confidence...

You can set a large goal that you want to achieve in your lifetime and then move to it step-by-step (One step could be your will to loose weight, the next one to become more talkative, more independent) and so on...

 

I hope this does not sound like parenting...

[Tethys]

Wow, sharpiac, I had to respond to you because you sound so much like me!

 

I think I was you, at one point. I can tell from your post that you're very intelligent, well-spoken, and (obviously) an introvert. I think losing weight and going to the gym at this point is good for you -- not only because it is obviously good for your health, but I think losing weight and looking better will do a lot for your self-esteem as well. You don't want to be known as "the fat girl..." Am I right?

 

Just concentrate on getting healthier and looking good for YOU, and no one else, for now. That should not deter you, however, from making friends. I know it's hard if you're an introvert, but do try to make friends. I know that is easier said than done! If anything, these forums are here for you if you need to vent.

 

But, think about this -- you made it to grad school! Congratulations! You have already come a long way, and you can keep going a long way, no matter what your background.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[agent1607307371]

Should I just keep avoiding them until I lose enough weight and have more money and everything's completely under control? That doesn't sound right, but since I've been here, the times that I have tried to connect with other people, I still felt terrified and lacked confidence and just generally felt like a loser. It has not gone smoothly. I'm still the geeky, awkward shrinking violet who needs her mother to do everything for her. When I'm alone, that's not who I am, it's just that that's who comes out when I'm around other people and I don't know how to change that.

 

NO!

 

You have to get out there and meet other people regardless of your weight or financial situation.

 

Realise that those things don't define you, work at recognising the qualities you have that are good no matter how much money or weight you have.

 

Start putting yourself out there, learn to construct a persona (this is something I still have trouble with) for your public, it's scary and yeah, it's hard to start with. But it gets easier.

[Lana0120]

Don't avoid people. That's just staying within your comfort zone. It may be comfortable, but it won't do you any good. Unfortunately, you need to have a lot of unpleasant, worrying and uncomfortable moments before you'll be at where you want to be and it will take time to get there.

[sharpieac]

I feel better thinking that someday I will laugh at this message. It doesn't feel funny right now, but I like feeling like it's something I'm going to get through. I'm going to make an appointment tomorrow with the counseling services at school. It'll be nice at least having someone to vent to and bounce ideas off of.

 

Start putting yourself out there, learn to construct a persona (this is something I still have trouble with) for your public, it's scary and yeah, it's hard to start with. But it gets easier.

How do you construct a persona? And if I've already begun by being really quiet and not interacting with people that much, should I try to construct a more outgoing persona now or would people find that strange?

 

So the whole comfort zone things is out (but it's so comfortable!), and I have to put myself out there. Do you guys have any fool-proof conversation starters? I don't want to tell someone I really like their shirt and then have nowhere to go from there.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your advice!

[CrazyKing]

Conversation starters are worthless when you are unable to keep the conversation... Just listen to what other people are talking about, if you've got some good comments on what they're talking about, join in...