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Relationship With X


John Bendix
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These are the things I am unsure of;

I would like it written in that the visitation schedule needs to be emailed at least by Sunday for the week, that if changes are known about in advance that notice should be sent as soon as possible. We are to be in agreement to the schedule, yet how can I agree when he chose to not inform me or give me time hacks for only a day or so at a time. Verbal doesn't work because I have memory issues and he knows this and has used this against me. Written form, this will hold both of us accountable.

 

That each parent is on the same schedule as far the times the medications are administered to the children(this is very important).

 

He wants to do minor repairs to the house and finish the projects he started, but he doesn't want to give me advanced notice of the days or times he wants to work, HD also only wants to work on the house on my time with my sons. This forces me to have to stay at the house while he is working and he then seeks me out to supposedly discuss what needs to be done with his projects face to face..and then he says some hateful, ugly, rude, or scary remark that sets me on edge.

The only other thing I could to is lock everything up and then he would be angry because I don't trust him, which I don't and my lawyer told to me to play nice until we had a permanent agreement. So I am constantly fearful and on edge and feel I have no rights at all because I was stupid and dropped my restraining order requests, once to save his job and to try to save our marriage, the second because my lawyer told me that it was a useless piece of paper and he drew up papers to have me drop it.

 

I would like to have no communication with him, other than text and email regarding our sons or telephonic in case of emergency.

For he has shown no indication at all for wanting to ever reconcile, he says there is no one else, but in truth he said that before and it was untrue. He stopped wearing his wedding band, every time the boys call him to say goodnight he is out and about and my sons hearts are breaking because many of those times he could have spent time with them and chose not to....my boys have special needs, he is not helping them, they are very wounded by all this.

Distribution of property,

The than the house, tools, and all his military stuff, bikes, hunting gear, motorcycle....and a mountain of debt (majority is his loans and credit cards). I don't know of anything else, I was kept in the dark, there are many things I only found out about recently and more that I'm sure I will never know or find out about too late....this is my biggest fear.

He and my lawyer agreed that I should keep the house, that I should refinance it in my name....I don't even have a job, wasn't allowed to for 23yrs and he has already threatened to go to court after he gets out of the military and lower the payments he must make to me and completely cut off any alimony.... So no to refinancing, I will not take on a loan with no steady source of income, so I propose that as long as I am able to afford to continue the payments that my children and I be allowed to remain in the house as neither one of us can afford to buy the other out any there in very little equity in the house and with all the high dollar repairs needed, I don't know if we could break even on the house if we sold it and the payment is cheaper than renting another house or an apartment. Plus our sons need and crave stability, especially due to their disabilities,this is the only home they have lived in.

Military retirement, I am authorized one half, I also need a court order to continue this in case of his death or mine and put in a living trust for my sons. Continuation of military medical benefits for me and our sons as we are authorized such. That I be allowed to claim our sons for tax purposes after the divorce,as he we be able to claim all the support money on his end.

That due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control, I am not able to work full time and have found no part time job that can accommodate my hours, being that my son have significant delays and have been diagnosed with moderate to severe autism. So I ask the child support and post separation support continue beyound the normal time limit for the sake of our sons, until they are fully out of school or trade school and are capable of being independent. (He does not want to help pay for me or our sons higher education, he has his GI bill, the Veep, there are many programs for post 9/11 veterans, I got out before that so I dont qualify and I was not allowed to go to school, so I lost my GI benefits, which is why I want this in there...).

Debt, the final frontier. Most everything we have was purchased by him on credit, I don't like credit and he had all the cards...

So, we are to divide this equally, how?

He controlled the finances, if I didn't agree with something it always led to a fight, my being wrong, and threats of divorce, why must I take on half when I wasn't even in agreement, if I signed a loan with him from 1999 on it was out of fear because I was pregnant and he threatened to divorce me because I wouldn't sign...no I don't think this is right, I pray the judge will agree. Sadly, most of our debits if we had worked together and if one or both of us found some part time work, we could have paid almost everything off in under two years...without talking extra jobs we could have paid off most in three years ...but now the bills he was paying are well over 2000 behind, I have no access to them because Im not on the accounts. This is not including any bills of my bills, which other than said lawyer bill and two medical bills, are up to date.

So my plan was that we sell motorcycle which was from my Dad, the power tools which are no needed, the bikes, and the hunting gear(all of which were buy with credit) and put this money and this year's tax return towards high dollar repairs to house and the loans/credit cards.

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Please let me know your thought on these items, good, bad,ugly...for this is what I must bring before him and the judge...shorter version of course, but I don't know if these even sound logical or what I should or shouldn't say in mine or my sons defense. I am worried, for both he and the judge are known for being hard to read and rarely in a good mood, I talked to four different attorneys who all said the same thing. Remember this is not just about me, my beautiful boys will most likely be with me well into adulthood and possibly longer.

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I know you have a list of things you want, but I think what will be most helpful to you is recognizing what is realistic from a legal perspective.

 

The reality is that most people's lives post-divorce are not the same as they were pre-divorce. By that I mean, your life doesn't get to stay the same just because you want it to or feel it would be most advantageous to stay the same. So you will have to look at things the way the judge will look at things and be willing/able to accept compromise with your husband.

 

Most people do not continue to live in the marital home forever after a divorce unless the couple has significant financial resources already and one can afford to buy the other one out. So as much as you'd like to keep the house, if you are not wanting to get a job where you can re-finance the house and afford it, you most likely will be ordered to sell the house and to move into something you can afford based on being divorced vs. being married. So that might involve moving into a smaller house or apt., and renting for a while rather than owning. Now if you can afford to keep the house with the payments refinanced, then that is what you should do, even if it means getting a job to do so. It is very rare that a judge will force the husband to stay on the note forever (or a decade) just because you don't want to leave that house or don't want to work and want to continue being a stay at home Mom with your husband paying for that. They will usually give you a couple years where he will have to pay, but not usually longer than that, and you will be ordered to sell if you don't agree to get a job and refinance the house.

 

And it is usual to have temporary alimony for a couple years so that you can go to school to get a career to support yourself, rather than alimony for life or for another 10 years. The way the court would look at it is that as an adult, you should support yourself, and if your children have special needs the judge may well issue additional child support to your husband to help pay for that, but he will expect you to earn your portion as well and take advantage of any govt./insurance programs offered to help with your children if they have special needs, such as after school care to take care of the children until get home from work.

 

re: the debt, if he can prove the money was spent on the family and not just 'personal' toys, you may be ordered to pay half of it regardless of whose name is on the credit card.

 

And I am going to be very honest hear and tell you why I think your lawyer won't go any further with you without you paying his bill. You've pretty much outlined a 'plan' that you want that basically shows your expectation is that you don't want your life to change at all financially with him leaving, i.e., he continues to pay just as much as he did when you were married, and you hang onto the house and all your possessions while selling his (motorcycle etc.), and you don't want to work and have already made statements you don't intend to get a job for at least 10 more years. That is unrealistic from a legal perspective because you don't divorce and end up with exactly what you had before the divorce, and hence you will have no way to pay your lawyers if you are not working and your husband isn't forced to pay your legal fees.

 

I have seen many people divorce and fight over assets, and what usually happens if the couple can't agree is that the judge just splits the assets down the middle, orders whatever is the state's mandatory child support guidelines, orders the house sold or for one or the other to buy the other out/refinance if they are able, and offers a couple to few years of what is called rehabilitative alimony for the wife if she was not working.

 

So I think you need to shift your thinking from trying to maintain your life exactly as it was prior to the divorce, to what is the LIKELY outcome based on the legal guidelines for divorce in your jurisdiction. You can do online research on divorce in your state/area, and it might be a good question to ask your lawyer what he thinks you will be awarded (regardless of what you want to ask for). Then make your plans based on that.

 

Also, doing things like not showing up for mediation when it is scheduled only annoys the judge. It makes you look uncooperative, and like you are dragging your feet and not trying to resolve this. EVERYONE who gets left in a divorce wants their lives to stay the same and feels they deserve a bigger piece of the pie in the divorce and that they 'deserve' to not have their finances change for the worse in any way, but that is just not how divorce works. You are splitting everything in half, so by default you can only expect to have half of what you did before, as in half as nice a house, half as much monthly income, the requirement to work and support yourself since you're no longer married etc.

 

So you need to make every effort to move this forward as efficiently and quickly as you can and show that you are cooperating in the divorce rather than trying to hold onto everything as if you were still married, because it just doesn't work that way. You can get a temporary period of time where your lifestyle gets maintained exactly as it was before, but after that, the expectation is that you will work and support yourself and will live within your means of what you can afford while you are working combined with the child support you will receive. So that involves getting a job, investigating resources to get your children into a program after school until you can get home from work, and finding a place to live that you can afford (or re-financing the house in your name and getting your husband off that note).

Edited by lavenderdove
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>>Remember this is not just about me, my beautiful boys will most likely be with me well into adulthood and possibly longer.

 

And this, I do understand and feel for you, but there are lots of alternatives these days that offer resources to help care for special needs children (and adults) that don't involve your husband continuing to support you while you don't work because you prefer to stay home with the boys rather than taking advantage of the alternatives. I know you want to be a stay at home Mom with them, but that most likely will be something the judge will not allow for another 10+ years if there are other govt./school resources available to help you work and take care of your sons for the couple hours between when you leave work and when you arrive home.

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btw, start investigating those resources now... you want to be prepared for any outcome in the divorce, not just expect your preferred outcome to happen. If you've done your research on what it will take to get you a job in the quickest way possible, and to find resources to care for your children after school while you work, you will be ready for both the best and worst case scenarios in the divorce.

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Juliet, are you in the U.S.? I agree with lavenderdove, you need to face facts. However, a lot of what I'm reading here may or may not be relevant to your situation depending on where you live and the laws of your state (again, this is assuming you're in the U.S.). For example, my state is an "equitable distribution" state. A few are "community property" states--Wisconsin and California are two I know of, and I think there are two or three more, but most are the former. What "equitable distribution" means is that assets are not necessarily split 50/50, but in a way that is determined to be "fair" based on the contributions of the parties during the marriage. Debts are another thing that are up in the air depending on where you live . . . I remember calling the lienholder to find out how much was owed on one of our vehicles, and they wouldn't tell me because the vehicle and the loan were in H's name. Even though we were legally married at the time and the vehicle was the one *I* drove, they refused to give me any information and advised me that I am not responsible for my spouse's debts*. It might be different in your area, of course, but you need to check into that.

 

* we paid the vehicle off and I was awarded it in the divorce.

 

Given what you said, I think it's unrealistic to expect to remain in your home. No bank that I've ever heard of is going to let you refinance without gainful employment so whether or not you think you can afford it is not really the issue here. Also, if DV is a factor and you wanted to pursue a restraining order, then why is it even an option for him to come into your home to work on his "projects"? That makes no sense. My xH was an abuser and there is a less than zero percent chance he is ever coming in here to touch anything in this house ever again. As it is, he sabotaged several things out of spite before he left and I have literally had more repairmen in here in the last six months than we had the previous 14 years, and that is not an exaggeration. Don't let him in. Like I said, it is doubtful you'll be keeping the house anyway.

 

I also haven't heard what your custody agreement is. If there is one yet. If you get joint/shared custody, you can expect considerably less in child support. If he gets full custody (rare, but it does happen) you will get very little to none. I don't know about the whole "he can only contact me via e-mail, on this particular day, with the visitation schedule" and phone in emergencies, etc. because the small stuff like that is completely unenforceable. Keep in mind there will be no court official monitoring any of this because they do not care, so if he doesn't follow it you're going to do what? Hire a lawyer that you can't afford, and take him to court because he didn't e-mail you or he's e-mailing you too much or he's calling you instead? Really?

 

As far as your tax situation after your divorce, in the U.S., child support will be taxable to him and tax-free to you on your federal tax return. Spousal support is taxable to you, and deductible to him. Usually the custodial parent will be claiming the children as deductions, but there is some leeway i.e. if it's more advantageous for Ex to claim them. In that case, it is usually (in my experience anyway) ordered that Ex must pay you whatever you forego by letting him claim the kids. Tax time is what I am SOOOO nervous about. Being that my xH is an abuser, we don't speak at all so it's going to be really tricky negotiating all of this during tax season. Ugh. I would rather have a root canal and a pap smear at the same time than talk to him one more time about anything, but sadly when kids are involved sometimes you have no choice. If I could give one piece of advice to young girls today, I would tell them "be REAL careful who you have kids with, because you can NEVER get rid of them completely."

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Lavenderdove, thank you for your response.

First, I am not opposed to working, I have tried and I'm continuing to look for work, even online. I don't have the qualifications needed, to take the courses needed it will cost me over 2000 and not job guarantees. But I am still hopeful, to say I still want to be a stay at home mom is not fully true, I would have been willing to work outside the home at anytime if it didn't interfere with taking care of my sons....I was not allowed to work outside the home. And just so you know, where I live there no after school centers that deal with special needs kids, so this is a major issue that must be addressed, not to mention that almost all the money I would be making will go towards this. I also never filed for my VA disability because my hubby took it as an offense to his ability to provide for us.

Also If my husband had desired to settle outside of court then I would not have had need of an attorney to fight for custody or for alimony which your right most likely won't continue, or will be decreased to maybe 100 a month. My husband originally filed for me to pay his court and lawyer costs and in my rebuttal I did the same. I know he won't pay and I am not asking him to. Next, my husband physically abused me in front of our children, he threatened to finish what he started, I could not face him at the time for mediation, I fear him.

About the house, I was throwing it out there, you're right, he wanted the boys to stay in the house, I was prepared to just give it to him and have him put the equity on the debt...honestly there are no apts cheaper that the house payment as it is now. I would struggle but even without alimony I am paying it now and all the bills for me and my sons, no loan company will touch me because there is no permanent agreement, its temporary as we are only just recently legally separated (2 months). Also to refinance and fix the major repairs, roof, subfloor, termite damage, mold...ext, they will be including a good portion of the debt, over 7000 closing costs, then 8,000 for roof, 3-5,000 for a replacement ac/heating unit which stopping working this past summer, termite damage??? I don't have a price for that as they will have to jack up the house in order to replace the damaged joists, I can't do it. The subfloor will be 800 and up depending on the damage, I don't know about how much the mold inspection will cost or the treatments...yes I was more than willing to walk away from the problems with this house. Yet another reason I can't refinance is until he finishes the projects he started, neither VA or any other loan company will approve a loan. Please know that I supported him the college, the military, I have taken care of all our children basically on my own, while he did his thing, I don't think a little alimony is too much to ask after 25 years, the house maybe, the motorcycle my father bought, no it is only fair to sell that and either put it towards the boys or bill. Same with the other gear, I have nothing to my name, he bought himself whatever he wanted, his paycheck, his money, I felt guilty for having to buy new glasses, or a new bra, I cried because I was afraid of messing up the finances for putting together and sending my oldest son a care package while he was in Afghanistan, my hubby yelled at me that my son didn't need or want that crap, I was just trying to support him. I went without meds because hubby said he would get them on base and he'd forget then yell at me for reminding him...after awhile I just gave up, so I am not trying to steal anything from him, I'm not even trying to intensionally hurt him. I am done fighting with him and for him, I now realize I allowed myself to stay in this toxic relationship not because of love, but fear, athough I still believe that I do and will always love him, but I cant live that way anymore or put my boys through that again. This is the best thing that could have happened, I do need to be more realistic which is why I posted this. I am going through hell right now and I am not seeing things clearly and need guidance, please know that am not nor ever have been a lazy person who expects kickbacks. Our lives have changed drastically, we are living four living on way less than half of his pay. He has the rest, he isn't paying for rent or utilities, just his portion of his accounts and some schooling costs for one child. I pay everything else for the boys and myself.

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Thanks waffles, I am stateside, it is equitable distribution, I don't mind giving up the house, my hubby and my lawyer cooked this up and I was told this was the best deal I was going to get. I don't think it wise to take out a loan not having a stable flow of income, its foolish. Yes the majority of the loans minus the house and my car are all in his name that I know of.

I agree because of DV, I don't want him at the house, don't trust him, he has said over and over that he didn't trust himself around me because he didn't think he could control himself...only reason he was at the house was because my lawyer said I needed to allow him to work on the house so I could obey the court order that says I must refi, thankfully I tried and they declined the loan. Custody the order is temporary, I am the primary custodian, he is secondary. The boys live with me and I am to be their primary custodian till they come of age or as long as needed..

Yeah, your right about the email/text information... Yep Im a boob, I guess I hoped because trying to be civil and work with him a d do what is best for the boys, he would be civil back...he wanted this Im not fighting him, I am tired of conceding everything over to him and he still is hateful. I dont know what he wants, and your right he WILL NEVER CHANGE....So what do I do if he doesn't contact me? His schedule varies every week, I could be a pill bug and stick to the fall back schedule, but the one ones that that would effect would be the boys...any ideas?????

Tax info, thanks you hit the nail on the head, and yes Im scared about tax time too:0

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I'm sorry for everything you're going through Juliette. I'm of the opinion that if the wife stays at home to raise the family then they absolutely deserve half of everything in case of a divorce. It's unfortunate that your husband is treating you like he is.

 

I wouldn't agree to anything you don't like. He can't force you to sign I wouldn't think. I would look around and talk to friends regarding an attorney. There has to be someone out there who could maybe work out something like a payment plan.

 

Good luck and remember to take care of yourself and your children, because at this point that's all that matter.

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Thank you I will, on a good note I have a job lead, I interview tomorrow I hope it goes well. I got me boyos back tonight so you guys won't be overwhelmed by my thesis length posts : ) On a sad note though he didn't give the boys their meds the entire time he had them and he has been questioning them if they know what my plans were three different times from Christmas on, I think he believes I am does something nefarious. I had no plans other than maybe seeing family or my girlfriends. He had the boys call the home phone immediately after I called them with my cell....I wasn't home because my girlfriends dragged me to go play tennis and we made gingerbread Christmas trees....FYI, baking is not my forte, but it was fun, my tree was a little more like Charlie Brown's but with a cup of milk it was pretty darn good. ; )

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Juliette, I agreed to give not 50% but 100% of marital assets and am paying alimony until she finishes school to get on her feet. When she does, we go to straight child support via our state calculator. I'm well educated and did well for my family as a provider. My ex is/was in the same boat as you with not working outside the home. I believe I/we did the right thing and that it should put both of us on an even keel financially as we both move forward. Divorce sucks financially but you make the best of it. I really don't think that some alimony for 25 years is out of the question. You have a solid case for it. I believe in temporary, rehabilitative alimony, not long term though. You should be able to argue temporary alimony for a period where you educate yourself and get on your feet. To me, this is fair and would think any judge would think this as well.

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. . . I agreed to give not 50% but 100% of marital assets and am paying alimony until she finishes school . . .

Key words here are "I agreed." Juliette's husband doesn't agree.

 

Some men roll over. Some don't. Juliette's husband is not going to. Whatever she gets, she is going to have to fight for. She needs a lawyer. Honestly, this would be my dream job. I'm not kidding. My boyfriend who is a law school grad and is set to take the Bar shortly tells me all the time I have a mind like a lawyer and even bought me a book about preparing for the LSAT. So funny because his practice Bar questions I get mostly right and I have no legal training at all . . . anyway, I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything; my point is that it would be awesome to represent women pro-bono who have been screwed over because they don't have the money. Of course it's tough to do that because you know what my student loans would be after attending law school? Plus how would I pay my own bills if I'm working for free? If I win the lottery, I will strongly consider this . . .

 

Anyway . . . mine was a 22 year marriage and even though I worked outside the home for most of it (part-time, and I continue to work part-time) I was awarded spousal support/alimony for a period of five years (I'm six months into that now), and I make $5.00 more per hour than my xH does. Maybe this makes me a b**ch but I didn't pursue it as rehabilitative, but rather as a reimbursement for all the years he was unemployed and I supported us, and even when he was employed he still wouldn't support the family and kept HIS money for himself. No one--the lawyers or xH--ever asked why I wanted spousal support, I just said here's what I want and you can agree or we can go to mediation and then to court if necessary. Not surprisingly, xH agreed in the interest of not having our dirty laundry aired before the magistrate. He was already in violation of two court orders--1) an order to contribute to the mortgage and utilities while he lived in the house during divorce proceedings, which he ignored, and 2) an order not to dispose of assets, which he also ignored. Not to mention he sees himself as a Really Swell Guy and didn't want allegations of abuse coming out (I had no real proof, but HE knows what he did and he didn't want it coming out). Now had we actually made it to mediation or court, I suspect I wouldn't have come out so well with regards to the spousal support. I don't feel bad taking it. It just goes for the kids anyway.

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Hope everyone had a Happy New Year's! As for me, I'm doing great. My ex and I went out last night and had a great time. The best thing is I don't feel that emotional attachment to her anymore, I'm able to just enjoy her friendship.

 

There were times when she got emotional, telling me how she always has the best time whenever she's with me, and that there was nobody else she would have rather spent the night with. She also got a little jealous when she thought saw me looking at another woman. I made a joke that well, I wasn't, but even if I was what are you going to do, divorce me?

 

I'm just feeling so good since the judge said we were divorced. I haven't had one moment with her that I've broken down or been sad or upset. I'm just really in a good place as far as knowing that the divorce was what I needed to get on with my life.

 

I still value my friendship with her and we still get along great. I'm looking forward to a great new year, as last year was probably the most difficult of my life.

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....I still value my friendship with her and we still get along great. I'm looking forward to a great new year, as last year was probably the most difficult of my life.

 

Nick, my former husband has become one of my best friends. You and I seem to have the best of both possibilities. Lucky us. I wish everyone could get to where we are.

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Nick, my former husband has become one of my best friends. You and I seem to have the best of both possibilities. Lucky us. I wish everyone could get to where we are.

 

I agree. I would much rather have it this way than to just flat out hate each other or have resentment. When I told her I forgave her, that meant to not bring up the past anymore.

 

I know for me, it doesn't do any good to bring up the past because it doesn't change anything. She has once again become the woman that I fell in love with when I met her, but it changes nothing in how I feel about her now. I know in my heart that my love for her is because of who she represents as the mother of our children. Our children deserve the best of both of us.

 

I want my kids, when they become adults, to be able to say that their father never said a bad word about their mother and that he always showed her respect. That will be what counts most for me.

 

I do think that my ex is starting to realize what she's lost in me from some of her comments recently. She actually told me that she knows she will have a very difficult time whenever it is I start dating again.

 

I'm happy for you AutumnBorn that you're able to have a friendly relationship with your ex, it does make everything so much easier. I do know that a lot of people can't do it though, and that's perfectly understandable.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello all, thought I'd stop by with an update.

 

Well, it's been over a month now since my divorce has been final, (12/16/12), and overall I'm doing pretty damn good. I would say that 95% of the time I'm able to go through each day feeling happy and content with everything. I then have that 5% of the time where I still feel a little sad.

 

The days when I'm feeling sad though are not because I'm missing my ex, or that I even wish we were still together, because I would never again want a relationship with her. I think I feel sad at times when I think of my kids, and what they've lost in all of this. My ex still lives with me, and we still get along great, but I'm really at the point where I just want her gone. I know her leaving means my kids leaving as well, so that makes it tough.

 

I just feel that as long as she's living there I can't fully heal, that I can't truly get on with my life. She should be moving out in a month or so, as she's still trying to save up enough money for a deposit and 1st month's rent. It's funny though, because lately she seems so concerned about me meeting someone new. She says I work out so I can look good for other women. She actually said that she is going to have a hard time when I meet someone else. Whenever she says stuff like this I just ignore it or change the subject. I could be a smartass and come up with something but there's really no reason too.

 

It's amazing how far I've come from this time last year. I thought at this time last year that there was no way I could live without her. I've come to realize that while I once loved her with all my heart, that's no longer the case and I will do just fine without her. I will concentrate on me and my kids once she moves out. While I'll always care for her, it will no longer be my job to take care of her. I know it's not really now since we're divorced, but we still take care of each other while we're living together.

 

I like it this way because I just can't imagine hating your ex so much that it consumes your life. I know there are plenty of people that do, and for them it's justified because of how their ex treated them, but I would rather get along with her. I really believe it makes it so much easier for the kids when the parents are able to get along with each other.

 

I hope everyone is doing fine so far this year.

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Nick, I hope in time I can say the same. I'm working on it, I have finally come to a place where I am feeling at peace with the divorce, he is still trying to mess with my mind and he's said he wasn't going to file immediately after the year, but that he was going to file. He is just stringing me along till his retirement so he can try to lower child support and what little alimony I might be able to receive. Sadly, I also found out that my oldest son's ex canceled their wedding and broke up with him because she had a "big crush" on his dad and did think she could be and Army wife like me...I can't believe I was so blind, that I was helping to plan her's and my son wedding, while she was Making busy with my husband....the only good thing is at least my son was spared this and I know know the truth About this and other issues of infidelities, so I am now moving forward/pushing this divorce. The safest part is that many people and family members have only know come forward with information on his past behavior, they didn't before because they didn't want put a monkey wrench in our marriage, I wish they had because it would have empowered me to stand up for myself and leave him earlier.

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You will get there one day Julette, you will. I know it's hard, for me 2013 was the most painful year of my life. How could the woman I loved with all my heart, the woman I gave over years years of marriage to, the one I had 3 kids with, how could she do this to me? I thought I would never get over her, but in time I did. I look back now at our attempted reconciliation and now wish I hadn't even have given her that chance.

 

I remember telling her that I loved her, but inside I was asking myself, "do I really?" I think I was hanging on for my kids, not me. When we went on an overnight vacation for our anniversary I remember feeling almost uncomfortable being with her, almost like she was a different woman. You know what? She was a different woman. I realized some time later that she wasn't the woman I married, but that I was trying to hold on to the person she was.

 

I'm proud of the way I've handled everything however, because it's been best for our kids. No matter what. my kids are the single most important part of my life and nothing or nobody will get in my way of their happiness. I don't care how much pain and suffering I've had to deal with, they didn't ask for this and I will conduct myself with honor and integrity in front of my wife. I still show her respect as always, and I never say a bad thing about her in front of my kids.

 

I want my kids, when the become adults, to say "yeah my parents divorced when we were kids, but my Dad never said anything bad about our Mother in front of us."

 

I wish you nothing but the best Juliette.

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Thanks, my boys are my heart and the best part of me...your right, I will be strong for them and we will get through this....PS I hope our exes eat their hearts out because we're going to get pumped up and not for anyone else or for them....but just for us and our health and because it makes us feel great. I'm planning on trying the10k for St. Paddy's day.... What are your goals???? Me, losing the left over baby fat, losing abt 15 lbs, taking a Spanish medical terminology course, updating my passport, recertifying and raising funds so I can volunteer overseas for when he has my boys the summer break...

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My goals? Well, I would say that at 47 I'm in the best shape of my life physically. My ex constantly tells me how good I look, and that always feel good to hear. I kept the house, so my biggest priorities so far are getting rid of everything in there now and fixing it up how I want it. I want to re-do the kids rooms how they want them, re-carpet the upstairs, some new wood flooring downstairs, and basically remodel the house.

 

I'd like to go skydiving, and start going to Vegas again. I love going to Vegas, and now I only have to bring money for me! I want to take the kids to places we've never been, to Destin Florida for the summer, to Colorado for the winter so they can see some snow for the 1st time ever. I want to get even closer to my kids than I've ever been. This past year I did everything I could to please my wife, and I feel bad that at times I gave her too much attention that should have been given to them.

 

What do I really want? I want to be happy, that's it. I just want to be happy again and be the person I used to be. One day I'll think about dating again, but that seems far off. I'm just beginning to start feeling an attraction for other women again, because for the longest time I couldn't even think about anyone else.

 

I still struggle with that however, thinking about how the stuff my ex and I were going to experience together is now lost, such as our kids graduating, getting married, having kids, etc... Now I know that all those things will still happen, but they will now happen with us being divorced.

 

I hope one day I can meet a woman who will love me with all that she has, and that she will remain faithful to me. I don't fear being alone, however I really do enjoy being together with someone. It's tough at times, however I believe that God has something great planned for me.

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47 not in the best of shape after 6 pregnancies, but still hard charging and knowing the best is yet to be. I haven't been to Vegas since 87 and you'll love sky diving, there is nothing like it. I did both static and freefall, it was incredible. My two favorite times are the break of dawn and dusk, or in the winter When the air is so crisp that when your chute unfurls it snaps and the frost glistens like a field of diamonds as the sun rises it creates a halo effect and as you land the grass crunches underfoot and all you can do is still in awe of our great Creator.

Bon unit, mes ami

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What is in Destin fla????

Another place on your list should be the Blue Ridge Mountains....

I love road trips, My boys and have been from one end of US 1, I-35, I-10, and I-95 to the other traveling to see family.

I would like to take the to the Creation Science museum and more......

 

Destin is a beach in the panhandle of Florida. It has white beaches and is really a great family place. We live with 50 miles of a beach here, but Galveston isn't known for it's white beaches or clear water. I want the kids to experience a little bit of everything, the Blue Ridge Mountains sound very nice.

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