Exboyfriend keeps contacting me

[idesofmarch]

Hi all,

This is the deal. We started dating last October. 6 months later, he had me pick out an engagement ring and we had plans of marriage and all that in the works. We had an awesome relationship and we were best friends. He lost his job in March and that was the beginning of the end. He now works this dead-end job at a church (there were religious issues with this decision) with no benefits but the money was okay so he took it. That decision really made our relationship fold in July because I felt like I was losing him to this church. We are not of the same religion and it really put a wedge between us. He called me every week but I didn't return his calls. About 5 weeks later, I talked to him and we got back together and we both felt these strong emotions. I told him I would accept whatever he does for work and I would stand behind him through all these problems that he's having. For three weeks he played these games with me because he wasn't sure if he wanted to get back together with me or not. We officially broke up on September 22nd and he initiated the break up but I was pretty miserable at that point anyway because of the way he had been treating me. He wasn't sure about anything. He's got an ex-wife that is taking him back to court for more money for their son which he has joint custody of...blah,blah, blah.

 

So, 3 weeks later, I get these two emails.....please tell me what you make you make of this. I am really trying to get on with my life.

 

This is the first email:

 

Listen please do not erase this with out reading this first.

I want you to know how much you mean to me. Yes it is too late I understand this, however I want to say that you were truly the love of my life. You might not ever understand my reasons for my actions. You always seem to understand me and I must say you were one step ahead of me in most cases.

I wish you nothing put success. I'm very proud of you for going to school and all that you will and have done with your's and Micheal's life you are a good Mom.

I hope someday we will meet again and can share with each other the path that our lives has taken us.

If I can ever help you with anything or you need a friend to talk too please call or write me.

I must say I miss you but know that I would never make you happy.

 

This is the second email: I had asked why a man would throw away the love of his life and this is his reply:

 

I know. I am in love with you, I've tried to tell you that. But with all the crap in my life how good is of me to keep all in our lives. I wanted to give you the best. I think you deserve the best things in life I wanted to be the guy to give you the best. How can I do that when I am tring to deal with this stuff. I do not want to lose contact with you.

I enjoyed all of our intimate times together and I enjoy our talks and the way you handle me.. O.K.

 

I replied that someday I will thank him when I meet a man who loves me unconditionally and he said:

 

That's what I have been saying. Someday you will find your prince. I agree. Best of luck and I'll stay intouch. John

 

I told him that I don't want to stay in contact and I know that hurt him. I just don't know what to make of all this. I think he feels guilty. Or maybe his personal ad isn't working out for him. I don't know if he was trying to reel me in and wants to hear that I want him back. I do still love him but I'm not stupid.... I have a feeling I will be hearing from him again.

 

Any thoughts?

[Ash]

I think part of it is that he's angry about what's happened, and I can't quite figure out whether it's at you or at himself, I suspect both.

 

He seems to be blaming the other things going on in his life for this relationship failing, and he's unsure of where exactly to place the blame for it all.

 

I hope that he truly does want the best for you, but I also think he wants to win you back at some point in the future, maybe when some of the other things work out. Maybe that's why he wants to stay in contact. He may even be hoping you either don't meet anybody, or do and it doesn't last so he's not really permanently out of the picture.

 

In short, he's confused. I think you likely know all this stuff anyway.

 

Enough on him, what about you? At this point whether you contact him again is your call. Try not to feel compelled one way or the other based on how he is at this point. You've been apart in the past, and you currently are, and neither of you are self destructing, so you can do what's best for you without feeling particularly badly about it one way or the other.

 

It sounds like you're fairly resigned to the fact it is over. Sure, you likely will always love him, but do you love him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him? It sounds like maybe not to me.

 

So, your decision to not want to stay in contact is an okay one to make in this situation. It's a tough deicions to make, when it doesn't seem mutual, but I think you're within your rights to be that way.

 

Good luck. I hope you can move forward, meet some new people and feel better about things someday soon.

[idesofmarch]

Thanks, Ash, for your wise input. I really appreciate that. I know he's confused but it helps to hear someone else's opinion. When I read his letters, I only hear the parts that piss me off. Even though he's being so nice in the letter, it's pushing my buttons. The three weeks we tried to work things out, he had a personal ad up in yahoo the entire time. I tried really hard to work things out and he blew it off. The reason I don't want contact with him is because he hurt me so bad. When he contacts me, it puts me in a tailspin and I can't sleep or function for 3 days. He's not doing anything about these problems of his...most of which are self-imposed. I feel at this point, he's not giving me anything to work with so why bother. Also, I feel it's too late to salvage anything and I'm still very angry. So, I'm trying to heal and take care of me.

 

The thing that pisses me off the most is that he's had this personal ad up this whole time. I think he's hoping to meet someone new that will take all his pain away and give him something to focus on other than his problems and his feelings for me. In the meantime, he wants to keep contact with me just to keep his options open. He's one messed up guy!!

 

Thanks again!!

[Ash]

Ah, the personal ad thing does sort of give away the fact he's looking out for himself, likely hoping something new and exciting to him will come along, and the meantime he's keeping you at arm's length.

 

Leaving the ad out while you were trying to sort things out with him does seem a bit of a slap in the face, and I can certainly understand why you feel angry at him.

 

You seem reasonably sure you've made the right decision, that's a good thing. Don't second guess yourself now, try to set sail on your new course, get out there and start enjoying life again.