Has anyone experienced something like this before?

[diverp]

I broke up with my ex about a month ago. We had been together for about 18 months. We dated for a few months, then lived together for 4 or 5 months. She was expecting me to propose after about 5 months of knowing each other and I didn't think we were quite ready for that after that short of a time. Well, after that point, things were completely different.

 

When we lived together, we had an argument over something small and things happened and later that night she was alone in her bathroom crying when I saw her next. I got her to come out and she vented big. She was telling me that I didn't love her and started telling me about how she had attempted suicide 10 years previously when she was in a previous relationship (I later found out that she had 28+ boyfriends and an abusive father). Well, this just floored me when I started thinking that I could have been responsible for her commiting suicide that evening (that was the gist I got from what she was blaming me for). I broke down at the time and asked her how she could doubt that I love her and how she could think of donig something like that. Things got quiet for 10 minutes and then from out of the blue she acted like nothing had happened. "Lets forget about this" she said. She wanted to move on and seemed happy again. That totally blew my mind. I think that was the thing that changed some of my perspective of her.

 

Anyways, a month later, we broke up. We kept having awkwardness and we reluctantly split. Well since then, we had been on again off again. I would really miss her and ask to be back with her. We would be together for a month and fight and split again. We would be apart for a few weeks and she would call up and want to be back together again. This went on quite a few times. THen a couple of months ago we were split for a month and I was "SURE" we could do better this time Well, I called her and she was relieved and asked me over. I sat there through the night and listened to her. She had been contemplating suicide and that again really worried me. I stayed there that night and reassured her and comforted her and made her feel better. I was someone she could talk to. She told me that I was a saving grace from heaven because every time she would start feeling depressed, I would contact her. Now, we were together for a couple of weeks and she started getting cold again (how she would before). We argued and split again. Now, she had always wanted to go to therapy, but would never get around to it. I got her to make an appointment and she had been going for a while (and still is). Well, I tried to contact her again a couple of weeks later and she was telling me that she needs time to heal, that she needs closure on our relationship and didn't want contact with me. She said she couldn't focus on seeing me again in the future or she would never fully heal. So, she said she didn't want contact with me.

 

Now, this whole thing forced me to go to therapy. I kept trying to find all the things I had done wrong. I was so depressed. I was blaming everything wrong on things I think I had done. My therapist has finally got me to see and accept that my ex has some very deep seeded issues and that she really needed to go to therapy. My therapist has helped me to see that even if we would get together again soon, it would just go about the same cycle as before. On one hand, there is a lot of this girl that I really love. I would wait for her if that is what it would take (and if I knew she was getting better). I don't know how realistic that is though. Do people ever get over that sort of thing? It certainly doesn't happen in a month or two. She doesn't want contact so I can't get in touch. I am just interrested if anyone has had any kind of brush with this sort of thing in their lives and if you have any insight.

 

Thanks

[rvr350]

Yes. You're certainly not alone. When things were normal, those days were the happiest days of my life. When things turn south, boy, i don't even know where to start. I think you did the right thing by acknowledging that not all the trouble she's in is caused by you. I still think about getting back again with my ex again, but i know i'm better off like this. Rest assured I loved her, but that's not the issue here. If she has some deep hidden issues from her past, you're not gonna be able to help her much. She needs professional help. Do not feel obligated to get her to feel better. Don't confuse yourself with helping with loving. Hope that helped.