Soon to be divorced girlfriend dumped me

[TG2003]

I've been dating a woman for 6 months. Last month she broke up with me after drifting away for a few weeks. I tried to get her to talk about it, but she continued to put me off, while still talking to me about neutral things.

 

I've sent her some rather lengthy letters trying to explain my feelings and thoughts, and to get her to talk to me. After a few weeks I finally got an answer the gist of which is:

"I never intended for things to end up this way. I miss the way things used to be. but I need to move on now. I am dealing with a ton of stuff.

And now I ask you to please understand and just be a friend to me."

 

There were alot of other comments that basically revolved around her feeling insecure about the potential of the relationship and feeling down.

 

She has moved from not believing me to accepting that I am sincere and telling her the truth about my feelings.

 

We used to work together. For some political and financial reasons, we don't anymore. But she is very adamant that she wants to be friends and that she would like me to work with her again. I am trying to accommodate this, but having some difficulty getting it arranged. We were also some distance from each other so travel made things somewhat difficult.

 

OK that's some background. But that isn't my problem.

 

My problem is that she is going thru a divorce. And she is on the tail end of it. At exactly the time that she started to drift away, a series of things in her life went wrong to increase her stress level dramatically. She also reached the point in the divorce where papers had been presented to the court. Because of the divorce and her five young children I tried to maintain my distance and offer her support. I was concerned about the divorce, her still being married, and the possibility of them reconciling. I was also very concerned for the long term and my relationship with the children which I felt would be strained by rushing things. I maybe lost track of the short term needs while looking out for the long term. She on the other hand was very emotional and needy throughout this time.

 

When the stress mounted, instead of turning to me, she pulled away instead.

 

She is now interested in seeing someone else, and has said she has done so, but I am unsure on whether this is going anywhere or was just an companion or friendship thing. I've not discussed it with her very much.

 

The difficult part for me in all of this is that she is very much interested in maintaining contact with me. She has become upset with my trying to get her to talk on several occasions and told me she would never contact me again. Only to return the following day to chat online.

 

I've received answers to all my questions now and have backed off quite a bit, though I have made it clear to her that I want her back whenever she is ready. I've sent her flowers several times with some nice notes. She says she doesn't like this attention at her workplace, and when I asked her if she wanted me to stop and to stop trying she finally said yes. (after I asked the question a half dozen times over 2 weeks).

 

So I sent her flowers again after a couple weeks. And she didn't seem to mind that too much. We had a long telephone conversation after that that was quite pleasant. I feel that it is important that she keep in mind that I am still interested and not file me away as a friend. So, very low key, but there.

 

We met for lunch once about 2 weeks ago and I told her a few things and held her hand for several minutes after which she pulled away. She was noticeably getting emotional at times. She later said that I was crossing some boundaries during lunch.

 

She has chatted online with me regularly since the breakup. Sometimes more than others, but it has been steadily increasing. Phone calls have also increased too (1-2 per day during the week) and she seems more comfortable talking to me. But she still refuses to see me for even a simple lunch or dinner. And on the weekends she all but disappears. (the kids take a great deal of her time and she is spending time socializing and with family from what she has told me).

 

It is my belief that this entire situation is caused by her stress over the divorce and other events all piling on her at once.

 

I know that getting involved with her so quickly after her separation was a bad move, but the heart knows what it wants and all that. She was very intense about her interest in me. I have been in love with her (silently) for years. When she separated and showed some interest, I just couldn't say no to her.

 

I realize that she may need to sow her wild oats, and that I may have to wait. She was married from a young age for 10 years. I was her first partner after that, but we were good friends and coworkers for 3 years or so prior.

 

I am having a terrible time with this. I am terribly in love with her and have no desire to go elsewhere. But the ongoing "friendship" thing is making it even harder. I am trying to be there for her to talk to (she has) and to lean on if she needs to (she hasn't).

 

She's got a terrible independent streak but she is also very fragile and insecure.

 

I have gotten alot of advice about the idea of our relationship. After all hindsight is 20-20 and people with that kind of vision are very proud of it.

 

I am definitely putting myself in harms way here by maintaining contact. But I really don't care about that. My concern is for her well being and for our possible future. My emotional state is terrible, but I am dealing with it in positive ways, so I m not concerned about myself. My goal is to eventually reconcile with her when she is ready. If that is possible, then whatever I have to go thru to get there will be worthwhile.

 

Any advice on what is the best way to proceed? What is the psychology here? Is it ok to be there for her and maintain a close friendship, or will that cause more harm? Is out of sight a better way? Does absense really make the heart grow fonder? Or am I doing the best thing?

 

Thanks.

[Shyguy24]

Okay here is what I think

 

She wants to be your friend; she feels guilty that she wants emotional support from you and feels she is using you so to comfort herself she does not want to live with the guilt of pushing you away. She is being selfish here believe me, you should lose contact with her immediately, like right now or it is going to play havoc with your mind.

 

You wrote her the mails explaining your feelings and how you felt , what did she do not take responsibility for your emotions by saying I am sorry I didn’t want things to end up in this way ..what a load of bullshit ..if she didn’t want it this way then why did she break up with you !! okay she had problems but hey she could have dealt with them I mean they aren’t ur fault .

 

Do not accommodate anything for this woman, if she wants to work with you tell her that she should shift to your place , why should you be doing everything and getting nothing in return (wake up buddy she is just playing with you)

 

Okay she is seeing another guy , fine don’t let that bother you (frankly I think she is just lying about it) also that whenever you try to discuss stuff with her she, dosent want to talk to you but returns the next day ..ignore her tell her to get lost in a polite way ..you are nobodys plaything that they can come and cry on your shoulder whenever they feel like …simple thing IF U THINK U ARE THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU IN THAT WAY ..

 

Do not let her use you in anyway like this , that she feels she can manipulate and stuff ..tell her to FO.

 

Okay first of all this woman dosent love you at all ..plain and simple man I am sorry ..but you deserve a lot lot better but you wont get it if you keep going back to her ..

 

Don’t send her flowers and stuff no point wasting emotions on someone that dosent give them back .

 

You guys have no future , simple because you sound like a terrif guy and she sounds more like a nightmare no wonder she is getting divorced ..she may also suffer from psychological problems ..

 

I think you should take things at face valve ..and pls stop making excuses for her ..she is busy on weekdays casue she got family and stuff ..how do you know she aint in the sack with someone else …

 

Also when a woman isn’t even ready to go out for lunch with you, why are you even bothering …let her be there are so many better women out there ..

 

I think you should stop contacting her ..don’t give her time of the day…tell her to get lost and be mad if u feel she isn’t being fair to you ..don not sacrifice your self respect ..specially for a women like this

 

I mean if she went out of her way to meet you or to tell you how lovely your flowers were and how you were so special …then I would tell you to stick with her ..

 

But from what I have read it’s the case of u jumping of the cliff and she giving you a push ..

 

So please for your sake and us guys ..do not let this women destroy your life

 

Be a man …take the bull by the horns

 

Go for it

shyguy

[avman]

I agree with ShyGuy. You have been used my friend. You filled the classic 'rebound' position and made her feel great about herself, loved her, and gave her strength. Now that she has all those things, she doesn't need you anymore.

 

So sorry this has happened to you. But time to tell this woman 'up yours'. She has moved on to guy #2 and won't give you any attention or meet your needs. You have become a doormat to her and you deserve better.