So now I know, but now what?

[lelou]

Well, I've written on here a few times about a guy I've now been seeing for four months.

 

(BACK STORY FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW)

I was always confused b/c the relationship seemed to be going really well, but a few weeks ago he seemed to back off and call less. He made sure to contact daily and we would hang out all weekend with him being super lovey dovey. But then, he would back off during the week. Every time I thought he wasn't interested, he expressed in words or action how he likes me. And he says he doesn't want to see anyone else.

 

But something has felt strange! So, this weekend we're hanging out and laughing as we talk about a little drama happening amongst his friends (his friend's girlfriend thinks her boyfriend likes me, total side story).

 

Anyway, the conversation turns towards relationships and he tells me how his last relationships (he has been in three three year relationships) have turned him sour to relationships. YIKES! He said he has always been one who was super romantic and a believer in love, but every time he gets in a relationship, it is worst than the last one (his last girlfriend cheated on him and did some othe bizarre things.)

 

So, he goes on to tell me he hasn't been in a long-term relationship since that last girl. In fact, he said he never makes it past the second date (well, we've been dating for four months.)

 

I tell him how in my last long relationship we got along really well, but some thought it strange b/c we only saw each other 2-3 days a week even though we had been going out for 7 years. He says, he likes that too and that he likes that we see each other about 2 to 3 days a week and that he can focus on work and music, etc.

 

The whole conversation caught me off guard and it was really confusing. It would have been the perfect time to ask him if he even believes in relationships any more, but I was so surprised by the conversation itself.

 

Now, I don't know what he means. He only wants to be casual forever? I'm so confused and wish I would have been prepared to ask more.

 

He now just left for a work trip and will be gone until Monday, which he has already asked me to hang out with him that day.

 

Bottom line, I fear he may be a commitment phobe, and I don't know if I should confront it or give him sometime to enjoy our relationship. All his friends said that he has been happier than ever since we dated, and that he didn't see anyone more than two dates before me. But, if he is so fearful of relationships, I'm scared that is why he sometimes backs off.

 

Sorry so long, just really confused. While I really like him and how he treats me when were together, I want to protect myself. While I can tell he likes me a lot, I can definitely sense his fear of long-term commitment.

[lelou]

Oh, I forgot the topper. The part where I said he has always been a believer in love and quick to fall in love, well he said his bad relationships have swung him in the opposite direction.

[lelou]

No suggestions or ideas?

[Gath]

No suggestions or ideas?

 

He's apparently quite satisfied with the relationship as it is. If you're not, you need to express that and say you want more commitment. Otherwise he's not likely to do anything. He's got the kind of low intensity relationship he apparently wants. After 7 years, the odds of him changing it on his own are kind of small.

[lelou]

We have actually been dating for four months (seven years was a guy I dated before the guy I am seeing now. I was just talking to him about what type of relationship that was to him). The guy I am dating now, I am the longest he has seen anyone since he got burned while in three long-term relationships.

[Gath]

We have actually been dating for four months (seven years was a guy I dated before the guy I am seeing now. I was just talking to him about what type of relationship that was to him). The guy I am dating now, I am the longest he has seen anyone since he got burned while in three long-term relationships.

 

I'm sorry I misread your post.

 

I think my post still applies though. He's happy with where things are, you're not. If he really has been burned like he says, then its reasonable to expect him to take longer to get serious.

 

Sorry so long, just really confused. While I really like him and how he treats me when were together, I want to protect myself. While I can tell he likes me a lot, I can definitely sense his fear of long-term commitment.

 

I think your senses are accurate, but give him a little more time and he might change, especially if you make your feelings known that while right now, you like how things are going, in the future you're going to want more of a commitment.

[Batya33]

Everyone after a certain age has been burned, just some of us react to it by not getting involved and others do the internal work it takes because being involved is worth it. It's one of two things - either he doesn't think you're worth taking a chance with or he is not willing to take a chance with anyone. If you knew he was never going to take that chance, how long would you stay with him?

He is telling you loud and clear that for whatever reason, he is not interested in a relationship with you - whether it's fear of commitment or some fear plus unwillingness to take the risk with you. I don't think it needs clarification but if you do simply say to him that you do not think you are on the same page because you want to be in a relationship leading to a long term commitment in the not too distant future and if he does not, that's fine but it's not a good match or situation for you.