Asked her if she was dating anyone else, strange response

[Dating Coach]

I never multi-dated.

[Miss M]

I don't start many threads, but I might start a thread about multi-dating, because I found it interesting that so many guys have indicated to me that I'm flawed for not doing it... hmmm... but I'm still not sure I want to debate.

 

Yates, still looks to me as if you're making this a gender issue. I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative, but that's just how it looks to me when I read your comments.

[lelou]

Believe me Yates, it isn't a gender thing. I am a female, and I have experienced a few guys who act like I am jumping the gun after dating SIX months and wanting to be exclusive. It seems the "grass is greener" dating is something both sexes do. (And it does suck)

[Miss M]

Yates, still looks to me as if you're making this a gender issue. I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative, but that's just how it looks to me when I read your comments.

 

You launched into a criticism of women (while I see the men as the ones who primarily advocate multi-dating), but you also never answered this other question...

So if you wanted to know if she was multi-dating, you have your answer... she's not. So, you know about her (that she's not multi-dating), but does she know about you?

[LonelyFirefighter]

You asked a simple question and got a complex answer. I would think that a 22 y.o who is interested in dating would answer in this fashion. She might be interested in having fun first and then seeing where things go. When you caught her off guard, she did not want to scare you away by stating she was dating someone else. I guess you will have to ask yourself if you believe she is honest. It has only been two weeks. You will see that as the days go by so will your knowledge of her increase. You will have plenty of time to see if she is right for you....

[p_fred]

I don't start many threads, but I might start a thread about multi-dating, because I found it interesting that so many guys have indicated to me that I'm flawed for not doing it... hmmm... but I'm still not sure I want to debate.

 

I bet if they were dating you they wouldn't want you multi-dating!

[Yates33]

You launched into a criticism of women (while I see the men as the ones who primarily advocate multi-dating), but you also never answered this other question...

 

Good point. lol

 

I didn't mean to come out like I am criticizing women...its just from what I observed, but yeah...I don't really believe in "multi-dating" ... although its suppose to be "healthy" I see it as superficial, not realistic and it just leaves you alone at the end.

[Miss M]

I bet if they were dating you they wouldn't want you multi-dating!

Yup, I had that exact same thought.

[Miss M]

Sorry Yates, I somehow missed seeing your response.

Good point. lol

 

I didn't mean to come out like I am criticizing women...its just from what I observed, but yeah...I don't really believe in "multi-dating" ... although its suppose to be "healthy" I see it as superficial, not realistic and it just leaves you alone at the end.

Okay, if you don't believe in multi-dating, and if you see it as superficial, your original question to her, and your response to her response to your question, don't seem to accurately communicate your true feelings about it.

 

You're dealing with one individual woman (not the entire gender), and she told you she's not dating anyone else, ONLY YOU. In return you said "I don't care." She gave you an answer to your question that indicates SHE'S ONLY DATING YOU. But you gave her an answer that left things very up in the air from your end of it. You actually got reassurance that YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE, (although you didn't seem to realize it), while she didn't get the same reassurance from you (even though SHE'S ALSO THE ONLY ONE). So she's really the most vulnerable one right now. My primary question is, do you really want to leave it like that where she's feeling vulnerable and thinks you don't care about her in the same way? And do you really want to throw away what you have with her because of a miscommunication? That's really what I've been trying to say.

 

You've got a lot of different opinions in this thread, and only you can determine in the end what's the right one for your situation, because you're there and we're not, but this is the one that gets my vote....

Man...now I am thinking...how about if thats why she got annoyued...becaue I said "I dont care, I am just curious" and she responde by sayin gif I dint care, why did I ask? I took it as if she felt I was trhying to be exclusive...but now looking at responses it feels like she might be mad that I said I didnt care?

Yes, if I were her I'd be pretty upset right now.

[Yates33]

Nooooooooooooooooooooo, your misconstructing the whole thing. This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. I didn't just say "I dont care" like that after she told me she was only seeing me!!!!!!

 

This is what happened:

 

"Hey, can I ask you question?"-Me

 

"Sure"-Her

 

"It's not like I care, but out of curiosity...are you seeing anyone else?"-Me

 

"Well IF YOU DONT CARE, then why are you asking?! Whatever the reason is, NO I AM NOT."-Her

 

"Oh ok, I just thought it was an important question, dont you?"-Me

 

"Yeah, its important if you see the relationsip going somewhere, but if you dont see it going anywhere the question is overboard."-Her

 

"So do you think my question was overboard?...honestly"-Me

 

"I didnt say that....it just came as a surprise becuase no one has asked me that before."-Her

 

 

 

 

now you can have a clear picture, now what do you think?

[Miss M]

That gives a better picture, yes. (and why didn't you give the whole thing from the beginning? yeah, much better. )

 

But I still come to the same conclusion, that you're seeing it from one point of view when it could be totally something else. And I still say you know she's only dating you while she doesn't know what you're doing in that regard.

 

And you said "It's not like I care" but that's nowhere near the truth. You DO care, and it's also NOT just out of curiosity. You actually have very strong feelings about multi-dating, so why did you tell her "it's not like I care"? That's dishonest and also confusing. And then further down you said you thought it was an "important question." Okay, isn't that the opposite of "It's not like I care." I think you're confusing her because you're saying conflicting thing, you aren't saying your true feelings, and you're trying to dance around the truth, asking non-commital questions You've told her conflicting things in that exchange, some of it dishonest, and then you're wondering why she's acting strange?

 

And maybe she's also not communicating well, I dunno. But I definitely think you're dropping the ball from your end of it.

 

Here's an example of something that can be read differently depending on the point of view. Maybe you took this to mean she was describing herself, but what if in her mind she was really trying to descibe you in this comment...

"Yeah, its important if you see the relationsip going somewhere, but if you dont see it going anywhere the question is overboard."

 

I'm just guessing, taking a stab because I realize I don't actually know for sure. But what if this is what she feels you're doing, just being in a relationship that's going nowhere, because "it's not like you care"? Of course it could also mean other things too. I don't know, but you can find out how she really feels by having an honest talk with her, not us. She's the one that really matters in the end.

[tylercdurden2004]

Good point. lol

 

I didn't mean to come out like I am criticizing women...its just from what I observed, but yeah...I don't really believe in "multi-dating" ... although its suppose to be "healthy" I see it as superficial, not realistic and it just leaves you alone at the end.

 

Multi dating itself does not leave you lonely in the end. Being unable to make a decision does. I am all for people going out a multi dating. Dating who ever they want. I am also for people bottom lining things a dropping those who show they arent worth their time.

 

To me dating gets taken way too seriously. The whole point of dating is getting to know people better. Thats it. As it progresses you start to decide if you want to continue and with whom.

 

Whether you multi date or not you should be prepared to drop the majority of people you are initially interested in. There are fewer people who you will be compatable with than those you wont be compatable with.

[Yates33]

Multi dating itself does not leave you lonely in the end. Being unable to make a decision does. I am all for people going out a multi dating. Dating who ever they want. I am also for people bottom lining things a dropping those who show they arent worth their time.

 

To me dating gets taken way too seriously. The whole point of dating is getting to know people better. Thats it. As it progresses you start to decide if you want to continue and with whom.

 

Whether you multi date or not you should be prepared to drop the majority of people you are initially interested in. There are fewer people who you will be compatable with than those you wont be compatable with.

 

The problem with multi-dating is that people embrace it TOO MUCH. I understand meeting different people and being compatible, but alot of people who multi-date are silly. For example, I've seen, heard, read and experienced cases where a woman would decide to stop dating a guy after a second date because he called to ask her out on a date the DAY BEFORE THE DATE? What? Like that's a judge of his character?

 

What kind of crap is that?????? It's SILLY. There are tons of example just like this. So these same people continue to "multi-date" dismissing everyone they do date for simple, silly SMALL reasons ... they continue doing this looking for a "perfect" mate...when that doesnt exist. I've noticed in the older generations this wasn't as rampant. People based their relationship more on values, and they took the time and understood that it takes TIME for you to dismiss someone...not one or two dates...and thats the problem with multi-dating.....it dismisses people too soon, you can't get to know someone in 3 dates and see what they are fully about and THIS IS EXACTLY what most advocates of "multi-dating" do...go on three dates...get tired of someone quick because they know they have someone else or can continue jumping around...so they go from one to the next...never being satisfied....being silly and then when they hit 40 they are alone and wonder why?

 

So see....maybe its not really the concept of "multi-dating" its THE MENTALITY of the many people who do multi-date have that gears alot of them towards ending up ALONE.

[tylercdurden2004]

The problem with multi-dating is that people embrace it TOO MUCH. I understand meeting different people and being compatible, but alot of people who multi-date are silly. For example, I've seen, heard, read and experienced cases where a woman would decide to stop dating a guy after a second date because he called to ask her out on a date the DAY BEFORE THE DATE? What? Like that's a judge of his character?

 

I see that as a separate issue to how many people you are dating at one time. that could happen with a woman who was only dating one guy at that particular time.

 

What kind of crap is that?????? It's SILLY. There are tons of example just like this. So these same people continue to "multi-date" dismissing everyone they do date for simple, silly SMALL reasons ... they continue doing this looking for a "perfect" mate...when that doesnt exist.

 

Its not crap. Small silly reasons are often why people get into trouble later on. They ignore what they consider small silly reasons in the beginning of the relationship and then act surprised when the relationship breaks up 1-2 years later because of the over same issue.

 

The definition of insane is: DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

 

Problem is people like to think other will "come to their senses and change" or that they can change others. Mostly this does not work. So if you see something you dont like in the beginning you need to take note of it. Then you need to decide if this is something you can live with or cant.

 

 

 

 

I've noticed in the older generations this wasn't as rampant. People based their relationship more on values,

 

Not necessarily. A lot of it was due to social pressures. The society valued commitment more but often at the expense of quality. Divorce wasnt as common as it is because it wasnt deemed appropriate in society. Now we live in a "freer" society and we need to adapt. Society will no longer "uphold" the relationship for us, the honus is now on us which means we have to be wiser in our decisions. Its hard to know what is wise for you if you dont know what you want and knowing what you want comes with experience. Which is different for each person.

 

I have lived in a country that had very strong catholic ideals. The church still ruled many of the decision. Divorce was only made legal recently and was still taboo. I can tell you there were many loveless marriages and unhappy marriages.

 

 

 

and they took the time and understood that it takes TIME for you to dismiss someone...not one or two dates...and thats the problem with multi-dating.....it dismisses people too soon, you can't get to know someone in 3 dates and see what they are fully about.

 

The more clear you are with what you want the easier and quicker it becomes to filter out those that dont meet your needs or wants. Its foolish to discount your "must haves" or "cant haves" in order to stay in a relationship. It will only come back to bite you later on.

 

Its all about setting healthy boundaries based on what you want. If the other person is doing the same then you can come to a decision about whether you are compatable.

[Miss M]

Yates, that's why I thought a thread about multi-dating was best done separately, because your reason for starting this thread seem to be not so much about multi-dating (which in itself is a discussion that could run on forever with strong feelings on both sides). Your problems really seem to be about a miscommunication and/or misunderstanding.

[Miss M]

Yates,

 

Your question was appropriate and natural. To have such a strong reaction to a simple question is interesting to me. Even if she has convinced herself that you do not want anything serious, than in and of itself, is odd being that you have only been seeing her for such a short period of time.

 

My main concern here is not whether she is seeing someone but how defensive and judgemental she was of a simple, natural question. Is this how she speaks to and reacts to the people in her life?

 

To answer your question though, there is nothing wrong with asking such a question, and it is very responsible to ask it once you become physical.

 

Good Luck,

I see a big part of her response as being directly pointed towards how he prefaced the question.

 

He started off by saying "It's not like I care..."

 

And she immediately prefaced her own response with "Well IF YOU DONT CARE..." [notice the caps?]

 

I think hers was a perfectly logical response to a question that starts the way his did. And then she immediately added the answer he was ultimately seeking. "NO I AM NOT" [notice the caps again?]

 

He first approached it in a totally blasé manner, and when she tried to point to that by saying "IF YOU DONT CARE..." then he switched to stating that he thought it was an "important question" after all. But her response to his remark about its importance seemed to point him right back for second time to his own preface of "It's not like I care." That seems evident in her comment of "Yeah, its important if you see the relationsip going somewhere, but if you dont see it going anywhere the question is overboard." To me that whole statement translates into "Yeah, if you care it's an important question, but if you really don't care then the question is overboard." I also think her comment could have been her way of inviting him to say once and for all whether or not he really cared, since he seemed to have been saying he both cared and also didn't.

 

In the end, she didn't know if he really cared or not, but he did get his answer that she was only dating him (and no one else). But she still didn't know if he's only dating her (and no one else). If you read the whole conversation while thinking she may be have fallen hard for him but is worried that he doesn't feel the same way, and if you think she also may be trying to cover her feelings so her vulnerability doesn't show, her over-reaction makes perfect sense. But again, I don't know if that's how she really feels, but am just pointing out that there is certainly more than one way to interpret her response.

[Miss M]

Also, I think Yates said this whole conversation happened over text? (please correct me I wrong?) If so, it seems that this type of conversation is something that is too sensitive and too easily misunderstood to be properly handled through text.

[Miss M]

He did mention it earlier, but as we were discussing (or disagreeing/misunderstanding?) he decided to paste the whole conversation from beginning to end for clarification....

 

That's why I said he's being inconsistent if he says "it's not like I care" and then when she reacts strongly he changes to saying it's an "important question."

[ghost69]

i think you should have established a status before you asked that. i think you think the relationship is more than it is than she does. you need to discuss where you stand with her. 'dating' doesn't mean you are together.