Asked her if she was dating anyone else, strange response

[Yates33]

I asked a girl who I've been talking to for a while (about 1 month) but have only recently started physically (as in going out) dating her (about 2 weeks ago...maybe a bit more). We've been on three dates and talk through text briefly and over the phone every other day or so, usually with her initiating the contact. Recently, I asked her....out of honest curiosity, if she was dating anyone else.

 

She responded with "IF YOU DONT CARE, WHY ARE YOU ASKING???? BUT FOR THER RECORD...NO I AM NOT." Then she went on to say how she found the question weird because she only seems fit to ask such a question if you feel you have something with the other person, but if its just something you know will fade out and be nothing, you shouldnt ask and the question would be deemed inappropriate. So this got me curious and I asked her, "so do you think my question was inappropriate?" and she says..."I didnt say that, I just found it weird because no one has asked me that before, and it came as a surprise."

 

I told her to me it means nothing, it was just out of curiosity.

 

What do you guys make of this??? Comments? Thoughts? Especially where I asked her if the question was appropriate or not...

[ElektraHere]

Well you asked so it had to mean something. If not the question would never have gotten asked. However, I don't find asking someone if they are dating others (if you are physical with them) outstanding. This is to protect your health. When you asked did you ask and ask and ask?? Because it seems her response was sort of irrritated and extreme.

[Gath]

if it meant nothing, why were you asking? You should have said you were just interested in how many unhappy guys there were gunna be when you kept her all to yourself someday.

[333]

To quote the others, if it meant nothing, then why were you asking about it? I'm pretty sure that question just doesn't come out of thin air, and though by asking you may not have meant any harm by it, you're still sparking up a huge situation. By sparking up this conversation, it makes you just as questionable as it does her.

 

Key thing though; she was probably really offended when you asked her this because it does strike a bad chord. It's kind of like questioning your trust in her and how faithful she is, and honestly, questioning trust instead of building it in the beginning of a new relationship ISN'T necessarily something you want to do, especially if you want this to last in the long run.

[Celadon]

The fact that she's the one who is constantly initiating contact means that she's doing (or thinks she's doing) most of the work in the relationship so far. So when she says, "IF YOU DONT CARE, WHY ARE YOU ASKING???? BUT FOR THER RECORD...NO I AM NOT," she is really saying, "You don't seem to care about this relationship, since I am the one doing all the work to keep in touch. So why would you even ask that question, which only people who care ask?"

 

In other words, she was having a slight meltdown and questions whether you really like her. Then she recovered slightly and answered your second question more tactfully (personally, I think her second answer was a cover for how she really feels, which she revealed in her first answer).

[lelou]

I agree with K8tie Kool b/c that is what I would do. That question usually means you're hoping the person isn't seeing anyone else and that you want to be exclusive. If you don't mean that, then sometimes a girl might be like, until you do, don't ask...

[Yates33]

I appreciate all the answers but I can honestly say you're wrong. It was an honest question. I asked because I like to know if someone I am dating is dating someone else, I dont find that wrong...not because I want to be exclusive.

 

I just dont want her thinking I asked her because I am rushing the relationship because I am not...do you guys think she thinks that? And about the contact, I do contact her...she just happens to contact me a little more. Her response seemed like a mix between "you dont care?" and "I hope your not trying to be exclusive this soon"

 

Man...now I am thinking...how about if thats why she got annoyued...becaue I said "I dont care, I am just curious" and she responde by sayin gif I dint care, why did I ask? I took it as if she felt I was trhying to be exclusive...but now looking at responses it feels like she might be mad that I said I didnt care?

[kaoticbaby]

The fact that she's the one who is constantly initiating contact means that she's doing (or thinks she's doing) most of the work in the relationship so far. So when she says, "IF YOU DONT CARE, WHY ARE YOU ASKING???? BUT FOR THER RECORD...NO I AM NOT," she is really saying, "You don't seem to care about this relationship, since I am the one doing all the work to keep in touch. So why would you even ask that question, which only people who care ask?"

 

In other words, she was having a slight meltdown and questions whether you really like her. Then she recovered slightly and answered your second question more tactfully (personally, I think her second answer was a cover for how she really feels, which she revealed in her first answer).

 

^^ you are dead on with this answer, you said exactly what i was thinking.

[HarleyHunny]

Time to get honest with yourself and her......

[servedcold]

Her response is a bit fishy to me. Asking someone you've been out with 2-3 times if they are seeing anyone else is a perfectly natural question, and to be expected. Instead of taking it playfully and using it as an opportunity to feel YOU out, taking it in stride, she responded defensively.

 

IMO, this is a minor "pink" flag. If she gets testy over a normal question like this, how would she react to real issues? It could signal anything from something mild, i.e., she doesn't have that much experience in the dating world, or she is digging you and thinks it should be obvious that she isn't dating anyone else, to something more serious, i.e., she has some hostility brewing just under the surface, or she feels guilty about some aspect of her romantic life (exes in the picture, FWBs, etc.)

 

When they react this way, best thing is to defuse it with humor or change the topic immediately, don't press them on it. But do have your antenna up for other weird responses to normal dating questions to explain what's going on in her head.

[p_fred]

maybe because she expected you to say you would like to be excusive with her when she asked why instead of I don't care I'm just curious. That probably struck her ego down a bit.

 

So either she was hoping for that and got mad, or she is seeing other people as was caught off-guard by your question and wanted to find a way out of answering your question.

 

Next time phrase it as a question like "Do you think its ok for people to date more than one person at a time?" That might give you more insite to how she thinks.

 

But if she said No then I think she is being honest. When people are really pissed they usually don't have time to think up a lie because their mind is busy being mad at you (well, my guess anyway!)

[ycmanvs]

I think the question is a normal question to ask. The fact that you told her that it did not matter, made her think that she is not that important to you. However, this is only a minor setback, so if you actually enjoy her company, you should continue seeing her. Are you seeing anyone else? Did she ask you? Does she care about that?

[lelou]

Look at the comments and notice the females lean one way. When a girl says "Why do you care," she is hoping you'll say something nice. Again, I agree w/ K8tie. You may have been playing it cool with her and it sounds like she may be unsure what she means to you (which is why her response came out harsh)

[Miss M]

or she is seeing other people as was caught off-guard by your question

 

But she also said...

BUT FOR THER RECORD...NO I AM NOT."

 

All over these boards I've read that bringing up the exclusivity question is something done only when you're ready to be exclusive, so she might feel ready to be exclusive, but won't ask the question because she already knows you don't feel the same way, (and you confirmed it yet again). In her I see someone who is hurting because she cares about you, is exclusive with you, but you just say "it means nothing, it was just out of curiosity." So your feelings don't match.

[Miss M]

Also, when you multi-date is it normal to discuss with the person you're dating about the other people you're dating? I don't multi-date and I don't date men who multi-date, so I don't know how it works. I thought the subject of who the other person is dating is taboo, no one else's business. And the only discussion you should have with the one you're dating is whether you're ready to be exclusive. ?

 

"I just found it weird because no one has asked me that before, and it came as a surprise."

[Yates33]

We've been talking for about a month and half and actually dating for about two weeks...been on about 2-3 dates....you guys really think her response MIGHT INDICATE she wants to be exclusive? Isn't it early even though we've been talking longer than dating? By talking I mean through the phone, text etc...I met her about 2 months ago, and about a month and a half ago we ended flirting and talking over the phone until we finally met up two weeks ago.....

 

So what do you girls suggest I do next to make her see that I do care. What I meant by saying "I dont care" was that I do care if shes dating other people, but I won't impose by saying "I want to be exclusive" because I understand if shes not ready for that.

 

I am a little worried she wont want to hear from me again?

[Dating Coach]

She had kind of a childish overreaction to a simple question. That would be a big red flag for me this early. I also see it as an indicator of low interest risking being that rude over something that trivial.

 

BTW, there's nothing wrong with asking, don't apologize when you've done nothing wrong. If she gets mad when you do nothing wrong then dump her.

[Yates33]

Look at the comments and notice the females lean one way. When a girl says "Why do you care," she is hoping you'll say something nice. Again, I agree w/ K8tie. You may have been playing it cool with her and it sounds like she may be unsure what she means to you (which is why her response came out harsh)

 

She actually said, "IF YOU DONT CARE...then why are you asking?!"

 

I just dont want to get hurt. I mean, how do I know she wasn't offended because she thinks its to early to ask such a question instead of being offended because I said I dont care?

[ElektraHere]

I think that asking someone on the 2nd or 3rd date if they are dating others be it a joke or curiosity is not appropriate. This person has no obligations to you. If they want to be exclusive after a 3rd date it would make me pause for thought on why the rush??? You are dating to get to know if this person can enhance or fit in your life.

 

I think you may be overthinking this now. Just put the comment aside and just go on and don't get all weird about it.

[Yates33]

She had kind of a childish overreaction to a simple question. That would be a big red flag for me this early. I also see it as an indicator of low interest risking being that rude over something that trivial.

 

BTW, there's nothing wrong with asking, don't apologize when you've done nothing wrong. If she gets mad when you do nothing wrong then dump her.

 

That's what I am thinking. I told her, "You misunderstood me. To me, this question is very simple and doesn't imply anything. To you, it seems its a big deal."

 

To be honest, THAT ONE COMMENT...the "IF YOU DONT CARE" was sent over txt....but I know the tone of it because it didnt have the usual happy faces or "lol" all her messages have and at the end, it had exclamation points (!) and questions marks (?)

[Yates33]

I think that asking someone on the 2nd or 3rd date if they are dating others be it a joke or curiosity is not appropriate. This person has no obligations to you. If they want to be exclusive after a 3rd date it would make me pause for thought on why the rush??? You are dating to get to know if this person can enhance or fit in your life.

 

I think you may be overthinking this now. Just put the comment aside and just go on and don't get all weird about it.

 

That's what I am going to do.

 

But I agree with diggity and disagree with you. The question is perfectly normal and doesn't imply exclusivity. If I want to know if someone I am dating is a "multi-dater" then I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW. How about if I dont date multi-daters? How would I go about finding that out?

[Miss M]

So if you wanted to know if she was multi-dating, you have your answer... she's not. So, you know about her (that she's not multi-dating), but does she know about you?

 

If I want to know if someone I am dating is a "multi-dater" then I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW. How about if I dont date multi-daters? How would I go about finding that out?

This is probably somewhat unrelated but someone recently acted as if I was the only oddball weirdo freak who didn't multi-date. Is being a non-multi-dater more common than I've been told?

[Yates33]

So if you wanted to know if she was multi-dating, you have your answer... she's not. So, you know about her (that she's not multi-dating), but does she know about you?

 

 

This is probably somewhat unrelated but someone recently acted as if I was the only oddball weirdo freak who didn't multi-date. Is being a non-multi-dater more common than I've been told?

 

I think multi-dating is a reason why so many women are single in the US when they hit 40 when they dreamed of being married in their late 20's. Multi-dating exist because people are not tolerant (especially women, sorry to say ) . They'll date somene and after the 2nd date, decide they are not good enough for them because they eat ice cream the wrong way instead of trying to get more of the person and tolerating small shlt that really doesn't matter.

[Miss M]

It was at least 4 men on this board who've tried in a very direct to make me feel like a weirdo for being a non-multi-dater.

 

Besides, what you just described isn't how multi-dating has been explained to me.

 

Also, in my opinion, if you keep looking at this as a gender issue... you lose.

[Yates33]

It was at least 4 men on this board who've tried in a very direct to make me feel like a weirdo for being a non-multi-dater.

 

Besides, what you just described isn't how multi-dating has been explained to me.

 

Also, in my opinion, if you keep looking at this as a gender issue... you lose.

 

Multi dating is when you date multiple people at the same time....am I missing something?

 

And no...its not a gender issue, but its pretty obvious that women are the ones being chased...they thereforeeee (in GENERAL) are the ones choosing...hence, they are the usually the ones "dismissing" potential romantic candidates for the silliest things they believe are huge "RED FLAGS".