So frustrated and angry right now...

[dl115]

Most of the first week after I found out about her physical affair, I was in shock, sort of stumbling along and dazed. Now that all of that has cleared, it seems like each day the depression runs a little deeper and the anger burns a little hotter, and I'm just going back and forth between the two.

 

And I know that I have months, if not years, of this to look forward to. And for what? So she can tell me everything's going to be ok, and then most likely turn around and do it again? We haven't been telling all the details to friends and family yet, but I'm sure if we did I would get "Well, you guys should try and work it out...you can't just give up that easily..."

 

But she gave up already. Oh sure, she's sorry now, now that the damage has already been done. Now that I'm already at the lowest point of my life, *now* she's sorry about it.

 

On an unrelated note, I was looking through the bookstore earlier, in the marriage section, and of course every other book was "How to Keep Your Man From Straying", "Why He Cheats", and other things like that. Not a single one was about women cheating. I guess it didn't really happen - it must all just be a figment of my fevered imagination.

 

I know that other BSs have had it far worse than this, just from looking on this board. I know that people have supposedly had spouses cheat on them for years and years, over and over again, and somehow gone back, picked up all the pieces and made it work again. I can't imagine how, though. I feel so betrayed and empty just by what's happened so far, and if it happened again, if we went through another round of lies and deception and it got even worse, I think I would just snap. I'm not putting up with any more of it! This is my line in the sand.

 

(sigh) Just more venting. :sad:

[mrmaximum]

Just keep on coming back when you need a pick me up, there will people here to hear you out and console you. Affairs are horrible and no one deserve the positively evil consequences that befall them. As for your earlier statement, the thing is that society is still in lockstep about men cheating. Yes, they do cheat more than women (I've seen the numbers range from 35% to as high as 70% of men compared to 20% - 55% for women) but if you look closely, on both scales you will see that women are behind men by 15%. They are catching up and what you went through isn't you imagination. Don't let the media minimize your hurt, or think that because she didn't cheat for years you have nothing to get upset about, it is relevant.

 

One more thing to keep in mind about other relationships is that different cases will be handled in different ways. What works for one won't work for another, yeah? Yes there are situations where people have come back from years of affairs, but then there also cases where one person cheated once and then the BS bounced. The only thing you have to do is find out what you are willing to accept in your life and whether or not you feel she is on the level right now.

 

You already know my position and I'm not going to lie, when I told you about previous cheaters and the stories that the BS's posted, the ones that have seemed to turn it around (so far) are the ones that post about how their SO has met ALL their demands (be accountable for their time, give me all your computer passwords, Cellphone records, NC with the OW, OM) and THEN SOME. They show beyond the shadow of a doubt that they want this relationship to work and are sorry for screwing things up in the first place. Then they maintain this activity for a good amount of time and DON'T complain about it because they realize that they are the one's that messed things up and have no right to complain about the price they have to pay to fix things!!

 

She may turn around DL, there may be a chance, has she met any demands that you have put down or is she quibbling? That is a telling sign about the future. Yes she says she is sorry, but actions speak louder than words.

[Q-ball]

You already know my position and I'm not going to lie, when I told you about previous cheaters and the stories that the BS's posted, the ones that have seemed to turn it around (so far) are the ones that post about how their SO has met ALL their demands (be accountable for their time, give me all your computer passwords, Cellphone records, NC with the OW, OM) and THEN SOME. They show beyond the shadow of a doubt that they want this relationship to work and are sorry for screwing things up in the first place. Then they maintain this activity for a good amount of time and DON'T complain about it because they realize that they are the one's that messed things up and have no right to complain about the price they have to pay to fix things!!

 

Very wise words, trust is gone and has to be rebuilt. It is a hard path to choose for the cheater but if they decide to take it and stick to it, I feel that they could be forgiven.

 

There are to be no ifs, ands, or buts during this period, and they must realize that it could last a very long time.

 

Be sure if you are taking back a cheater that there is this understanding of how things are going to be. If she worries, doubts whether she can do it, complains about your lack of trust, anything but being completely sympathetic towards your feelings, GET THE F#$K OUT!!!

[Iceman26]

 

And I know that I have months, if not years, of this to look forward to. And for what? So she can tell me everything's going to be ok, and then most likely turn around and do it again? We haven't been telling all the details to friends and family yet, but I'm sure if we did I would get "Well, you guys should try and work it out...you can't just give up that easily..."

 

But she gave up already. Oh sure, she's sorry now, now that the damage has already been done. Now that I'm already at the lowest point of my life, *now* she's sorry about it.

 

 

Why stay? If you know that you are going to be that unhappy then why subject yourself to it? She is the one that did this to your marriage, not you.

 

Who cares what your family thinks. They aren't married to her and they weren't cheated on by her.