Massari Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 My ex called right now after the last time when we all hung out together and at that time it game me a headache simply because I still have feelings for her and I can't deny it. Needless to say that I never contacted her and she broke up with me yes I did contact her for a few times wanting to get back together and she didn't. So eventually I stepped back and decided that take some time off for myself. I went to Germany for 6 weeks and had a blast met someone there and all.. so it was awesome. Toward the end of my vacation she contacted me and all. anyhow we came back met up as a group and I felt my emptiness without her again. Since then I didn't contact her. she started some conversations with me on yahoo messenger but that was about it. she called me now telling me lets all go out tomorrow again.. then she started talking to me about her new job that she is gonna get bla bla.. then I told her about my college orientation that I went to and she is like " my baby is student again,, awww! I was Since when I am her baby again? I don't want to have contact with her and not to go out and I don't know how I can tell that to her. Honestly I want her back even though we may not be the best match but this friendship thing isn't working for me. I have feelings for her and everytime I try to let them go they come back to me with her calling me. Is this how friendships between exes supposed to be ? one being totally normal and the other person soo unconfortable? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 don't want to state opinion anymore. Since people dont agree Link to comment
Massari Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 why not hang out? friendships between ex's can work out, if you let it. It is painful at first but if you care about the person and about them having a presense in your life, it can be done. you see I hung out with her once.. we went shopping together and it felt like we are a couple again.. which sucks.. definitely sucks.. and I was not happy at the end of the day not one bit. Link to comment
LFG Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Massari - No, this is exactly how friendships are NOT supposed to be. Friendships are supposed to be natural, effortless, rewarding and without ANY romantic feelings involved. It's obvious that you are not ready to see your ex just as a friend at this time. If it were me, I'd tell her that you need time alone to properly heal yourself and that you will contact her in the future if and when you are ready. Ask her specifically to not contact you and let you initiate contact when you feel you are ready. And don't worry that this might inflate her ego. It's all about you when it comes to healing your broken heart. If she wants reconcilliation, she will bang at your door to let you know no matter how much NC you do, so don't waste your time trying to decipher her intentions when she called you 'baby'. She will make it very obvious if she wants you back. LFG Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 my opinions don't matter Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Massari, I agree with LFG, if you still harbor feelings for your ex and it wasn't a healthy relationship when you were together, then the friendship will not work. This is just going to be like someone pouring salt into a wound that just needs to heal. I would cease anymore contact with her. Possibly down the road you could revisit this, but maybe at that time you will get some perspective and see that it really not what you want in your life. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 keeping my opionions to myself Link to comment
LFG Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Renaissancewoman101 - I'm not soooo against friendship with an ex. I'm soooo against friendship with an ex that you are still romantically involved with. If you can do it without feeling any pain, kudos to you. I don't call this friendship though. LFG Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Actually Ren I must disagree with you. What a person wants and needs is completely different. We all want things we cant have. However, do we need such things in order to live, survive, and be happy???? Massari you will only be hurting yourself if you keep in contact. Step away and get some perspective on your situation. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I guess my opinion is "inappropriate" according to some people. Link to comment
Up and Down Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Ask yourself this, if you two are hanging out as friends and she starts talking about dating another guy or going on a date, how are you going to feel. If you would be OK with that then go for it, but I think both you and I know that you would rather be stabbed in the eye with a red hot poker....just my $.02 Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 keeping opinions to myself Link to comment
LFG Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Renaissancewoman101 - Let's frame this differently. What about becoming friends when the time is right? Wouldn't this be more fair to both? If Massari's ex really cares for him, she will welcome him in her life down the road when he is ready. By the way, I'm friends with my exes of years ago. I was actually best man to one of them when he got married. However, I can't be friends with my ex of eight months ago because I'm still in love with him. I don't hate him and I'll always be pleasant towards him if I see him in a social setting, but I can't be his friend now. I will only be able to see him as a friend when the emotional flame dies. Hopefully this will happen one day, but I don't do fortune telling. I just live in the now. LFG Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Renaissancewoman101 - What about becoming friends when the time is right? Wouldn't this be more fair to both? If Massari's ex really cares for him, she will welcome him in her life down the road when he is ready. By the way, I'm friends with my exes of years ago. I was actually best man to one of them when he got married. However, I can't be friends with my ex of eight months ago because I'm still in love with him. I don't hate him and I'd always be pleasant towards him if I see him in a social setting, but I can't be his friend now. I will only be able to see him as a friend when the emotional flame dies. Hopefully this will happen one day, but I don't do fortune telling. I just live in the now. LFG I concur!! LFG you are right on the spot with this. I too am friends with certain exes but that is after many years had passed. Link to comment
tatame22 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Is it bad to be friends with an ex if there are still residual feelings? Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I'd stay friends. I'm friends with my ex. We hang out, and yea, sometimes I spend all my time trying to decipher what he means when he says this and that. But at the end of the day, I'm okay with where we're at and just glad to have him in my life. However, I don't know if you are/can do that too. To my advice, is if you want to stay friends, do it. But keep your distance. That way, you slowly get used to where you guys are and then accept it. IF this is what you want. Try keeping the contact light if you want time to heal then be friends later. Like, for me, I can't imagine my life without him in it somehow - so we started with text msg here and there.. then talked to on IMs.. then a phone call here and there. Then we have lunches here and there together. Now it's comfortable, eventhough I still have feelings for him. I don't get as distraught as before. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Pinkelephant, I like your POV. You put it in better words than I can. I agree with you about staying friends with your ex, and I like your way of doing it. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I think the bottom line is: If it's uncomfortable, you just need to step back a bit - whatever that means for you (friends or not friends - friends that check how each other is doing once in a while or simply aquaintances) Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Even though you don't get as distraught as you used to.....you still have distress over the situation don't you? Also isn't it tiring trying to figure out every last word? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 not worth to state my opinions Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 No, because I'm at the point where I'm okay with where we are. Infact, I like where we are. It is tiring to sometimes have to hold back because if I don't we'd be back together (kind of diff from OP's situation). But, it's worth it. Slowly, all that will go away and we'll really be friends again. But if we just cut each other off, it's just too much to risk and too much to handle - more to handle than the occasional lunch here and there. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Pinkelephant, I agree. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Nice. Yeah, the cutting off thing is too melo-dramatic anyhow. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 enough of my opinions. Link to comment
LFG Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I'm actually shocked by renaissancewoman101's and pinkelephant's points of view. So in addition to the distress of a broken heart, it's worth adding more distress by interacting with someone who doesn't reciprocate our romantic love? Wow. I call this emotional masochism. I have been reading these postings for a while and this is the first time I have seen such points of view. Interesting discussion though. LFG Link to comment
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