[Very gay but mom is homophobic]

[trying2forget]

I am 18 years old, female and pretty darn gay. I mean I am very attracted to women. I live at home still due to financial, emotional (my depression which I am overcoming) and other reasons (my dad just died and my mom wants me at home for a little while to help her out). My mother is very homophobic. She knows about my sexuality and avoids it at almost all costs. I love her to death but she just can't come to terms that her only daughter is a lesbian. Every time I get a girlfriend, my mom makes it so that we can not see each other and gets very upset with me to the point where she will yell at me about everything (she does that normally anyway but it's worse than normal). I have a girlfriend now and I'm in a long distance relationship so we talk on the phone quite frequently. I'm afraid my mom will find out and prevent all contact. Also, she won't let my girlfriend come visit so I'm going to keep it from her. I feel as if I'm lying to her but I really have no choice. It's depressing me a lot (I just graduated from an rtc...rtc=residential treatment center... in Utah-where I met my girlfriend) and I'm trying really hard to not go back to cutting. Should I bring the subject up with my mom and tell her that she can't keep avoiding it? Should I keep sneaking around? What can I and should I do? I'm in almost desperate need for help. It hurts so bad that she won't accept me.

[melrich]

First I would say that I am sure your mom will love you (and learn to accept who you are no matter what).

 

I think you should get this out in the open even if it means some short term pain. This can be a difficult issue for parents. Homphobia does not help but even where that does not exist, parents in the case of gay children also have to face the unlikelihood of grand children. So it is an issue that you guys should really talk through no matter how painful of how difficult it may be.

[YabbaDabba]

I'd bring it up again. I know it's sometimes easier to avoid conflict, especially with touchy situations like yours, but there seems to be tension either way, so you might as well try talking about it.

 

Generally, I'm all for being open about things with ones parents, but from what you've said, it seems as if she might be being a bit unreasonable? I mean, I could see if your girlfriend (past and present) were in some way a bad influence on you, but if not--well, her actions are just as bad as if she were trying to keep you from dating outside your race or something.

 

Do you have any idea why she feels the way she does? Religious reasons, or what not? For some people, it's religious opposition and others, it's simply a matter of not wanting to accept that their kids/loved ones aren't "normal."

 

I think it's simply a matter of you explaining to her that you're still her daughter; you still love her the same and you hope she can love you the same, too. Part of her loving you, though, has to be wanting you to be happy--which, in part, needs to come along with her recognizing the fact that you're gay.

 

I wouldn't press her to accept it, per se, or, you know, pretend to be happy about it if that's not what she's ready for (and she may never be ready to do that) but it's a fact of both your lives that she needs to recognize.

 

Good luck with this.

[trying2forget]

Oh, I'm pretty sure I'll have children. Just not naturally.

 

And thanks. To both of you.

[Kalika]

Hey Trying,

 

I am sorry that you're going through this. In the immediate future, it might help to just try to explain your mom (as often as possible) that you being gay is no more a choice than it was for her to be straight. It's just that simple.

 

In the long term, it will probably be beneficial to you to move out and get out on your own. That way, you can distance yourself if you need to. You should NOT be cutting yourself to deal with this. This is totally self destructive and it won't help your situation with your mom any.

 

Another thing you might want to do is ask her to go to a PFlag meeting with you, if there are any chapters locally... She might be willing to do that if you emphasize that it will help strengthen your relationship (as opposed to suggesting it's a way to make her see you're right and she's wrong).

[miracle29]

First I would say that I am sure your mom will love you (and learn to accept who you are no matter what).

 

I think you should get this out in the open even if it means some short term pain. This can be a difficult issue for parents. Homphobia does not help but even where that does not exist, parents in the case of gay children also have to face the unlikelihood of grand children. So it is an issue that you guys should really talk through no matter how painful of how difficult it may be.

 

 

I agree with this post. In fact..if she did not approve, it wont change what you prefer. So she will have to just get over it. ...no wont she?

[Dako]

Many parents have trouble accepting gay children, but sometimes meeting other parents who've been there can help. Don't give up on her. Have you checked out PFLAG?

[FoxLocke]

My mother was sorta like this. She may not be classic, grade A, homophobe from hell. Perhaps, just a mother who is slowly coming to grips with the fact that her daughter loves women. Believe me, she'll get over it. My mother went through the 5 stages of death when I came out. But, she's fine with it now. We have the rare conversation about homosexuality...But, otherwise, it doesn't matter.

[miracle29]

My mother was sorta like this. She may not be classic, grade A, homophobe from hell. Perhaps, just a mother who is slowly coming to grips with the fact that her daughter loves women. Believe me, she'll get over it. My mother went through the 5 stages of death when I came out. But, she's fine with it now. We have the rare conversation about homosexuality...But, otherwise, it doesn't matter.

 

 

 

LMAO...five stages of Death? oh man..funny!

[Flux]

Your 18 years old... I'm not sre if that makes u a legal adult in the US

 

but at that age regardless your mother does not have a say in your life... she can't tell you your not contacting your girlfriend lol, but anyways

 

i get that shes homophobic, but my veiws on that arent needed here... but this probably hurts her more than it does you... you need to either make her accept or wait and see if she accepts

 

take her out to lunch ect.. do things you would normally do and see if she opens up a bit, and dont talk about your sexuality, make it so it isnt a factor thats in her life. I mean you shouldn't hide why you are but if shes bieng like this you kind off have too in order to keep you relationship with your mum and be happy with yourself, even if they dont come as a package, and you cant make them a package

 

i hope that makes sense, im not sur how it reads lol

 

but good luck

[DancingShoes]

Theres some much better advice here than I could think of, but I just think you need to be very mature and sit her down to have a proper converstaion about it rather than skirting around the subject. You have both been through alot and most likely need each other alot, im sure it will be upsetting her alot that she feels that this needs to distance the two of you, so you need to make her sure this isnt the case and as yabbadabba said, nothing has changed between you and her.

[morphius1403]

all you need is time. your mum will eventually come round i promise you. she was probably dreaming of all the grandkids you was going to give her throughout your entire life, and now she is finding it hard to accept that.

 

but she will.... in time