Where to go from here?

[Fen]

I posted only once here a long time ago, and oddly enough, it is still about the same girl (in fact I am sure the thread is even quite similar!). After a 2+ years on and off relationship I think she finally just got tired of me. We were even just friends nearing the end and finally around 3 weeks ago she decided to take a break from that.

 

I am posting because even though I know it should be NC to heal, I have been in contact with her a bit. The fact that we work for the same department does not help, but the other reason is that neither of us is very certain about the break in friendship.

 

She was the one who wanted a temporary break but in a moment of sadness (or perhaps one where I was actually thinking straight), I told her that it would be best to end our friendship and move on.

 

I now regret that because we were best of friends. When we met she was going through a very rough time and I was basically everything to her. I don't even know what would have happened had I not been there. Needless to say our friendship grew until unexpectedly, one of us fell in love (me , obviously). It was reciprocal for a while but she eventually lost the spark.

 

That aside and back to the subject of our friendship, I am posting here as I seek advice. She has said she agreed with what I told her that we probably should not be friends but yet she cannot bring herself to say so. I have told her I want to go back to what we had but she keeps saying that I said we should not while never saying so herself.

 

I have been telling her now for a week that I was wrong and do want to be friends and have asked her over and over that if she does not want to, to let me know so I can get undeniable closure, but she hasn't and doesn't seem to be able to!

 

That is why I am posting, what the heck do I do at this point? She won't say if she will renew our friendship but won't say if she is through with me... do I press her for an answer, sit on the sidelines and wait for her to make up her mind or just go in NC and forget my best friend ever existed? I was leaning towards writing her another message but am confused as to if she won't answer because she is considering or because she just doesn't care about me even enough to say no...

 

Ps- in terms of healing, she took a second job to fill in her time as I am not there so she is working probably 8Am-10Pm every day so she doesn't even have time to think about this.

 

Would someone have advice for me?

 

Thank you for reading, I know I am long winded.

[Desiderata]

So the relationship has been on and off and she decided to end that - for what seems like right now - but still wants to be friends. But you are feeling like you don't even want to be friends and I think that really comes from loving her first, her losing interest and you now just saying that enough is enough. Since it's been off and on you might be thinking "Well when is she going to decide to be 'on again' if she does" and that's not fair to you.

 

That aside and back to the subject of our friendship, I am posting here as I seek advice. She has said she agreed with what I told her that we probably should not be friends but yet she cannot bring herself to say so. I have told her I want to go back to what we had but she keeps saying that I said we should not while never saying so herself.

 

I'm only slightly confused. She agreed to not be friends but cannot bring herself to say that she wants to do that. And you want to go back to what you had - the relationship or the friendship? I know that you just want to break contact with her but I'm not really sure what you want to go back to or what she is/is not saying.

 

She seems to still be toying with you and being very indecisive. It might be hard to do but if she does not give you an answer soon then just stop asking - it's not good for you to just keep holding on and waiting for an answer from her. If you write her another message and she doesn't answer then there is no way for you to know what she wants and you can't just stick around to wait for her reply, as it may never come. That in itself might be her answer.

 

I think it's just best to perhaps pressure her once more for a genuine response and if not then just go full NC because she's leaving you hanging and it can't take forever for her to make a decision - if it was really important to her she would make time in her busy day to let you know what is going on. I just don't want you to get hurt.

[Fen]

To clear it up, I thought I wanted to lose her friendship but now having been 3 weeks without spending time with her, I very lonely. This is out of my friendship for her, not the love, I am doing pretty good with my feelings although spending time with her would probably not help but I can live with that. It's not as if women were throwing themselves at me anyways.

 

Anyways, she initiated this break and oddly enough, the night after she called me because she was in a good mood and wanted to do something That is why I sometimes doubt how serious she is about losing my friendship. I am annoyed at her getting a second job because it gave her carte blanche to not have time to think about it.

 

I am really inkling towards asking her again. I hate putting the pressure on her, but I am the type of person who needs a real answer, going around it with buts and maybes is not good enough, especially not when it would end it with my closest friend.

[Desiderata]

I think that the reason why most of us do NC is because talking to our ex's is just detrimental - if we do it we still have this connection with the people that hurt us. Even though you're doing okay with your feelings and you just want to be friends now, I think that with the way you've been on and off feelings might just creep back into the picture and since she is the one that initiated the breakup that probably won't work out too well.

 

Maybe she just really doesn't know what she wants right now. In her mind she probably knows that if she does want to get back together eventually it will be a possibility because of how things have been in the past. Now that she "doesn't have any time" it is just easy for her not to have contact with you at all. She really is making you go back and forth with your feelings because she ended it, but you miss her friendship but she's ignoring your questions.

 

You need an answer but she just isn't giving it, so you need to demand it. That's a strong word, but that's what needs to be done from the sound of it. It's hard because you still want to be friends and you're not really hurting from the breakup you are just lonely without her. But talking to her is really the first step - without her input you have nowhere to go but where you are right now.

[Fen]

Well, she called me. Ends up the reason why she wouldn't talk to me is because she wants to be friends but she found someone else and she knew it would only hurt me.

 

As sad as that makes me feel, I am relieved to know it's over. The best thing at this point we decided was just to part ways. I always complained that she had too many guy friends when she was with me so I won't do the same to this other guy.

 

Actually, the thing that really hurts me the most in this is that since the start of our relationship she said I was jealous of her guy friends. She went on a trip with one of her friends for a week when our break started and of course you know what happened, they felt a connection. I had made her cry before she left as I said it was wrong to go with another guy because I knew eventually this would happen.

 

So now I have to face the bitter struggle of being alone when I want nothing more than to find someone to love and be loved from.

 

**** me but life is unfair at times isn't it? I'm sure most of you agree else we would not be here!