Clarification if possible

[evr]

Hello all,

Maybe someone can offer some insight. One of the main sources of pain for me is me wondering why my ex left me.

We were together for 7 years and she ended the relationship over 2 months ago.

Here are all the reasons she gave me:

• I love you dearly, but I'm not in love with you
  
• The relationship has run it's course
  
• I don't love you
  
• None of this is your fault
  

I am confused as to how she can just stop loving me. I told her all the things that could be my fault, but she said no, it's not my fault and to not blame myself.

Do any of you have any possible interpretations of this?

Feel free to ask any questions as well and be brutally honest if you have to.

Thanks.

[Up and Down]

Its hard to say without knowing the specifics of your relationship. Whether you fought a lot or whether you got on well and all other dynamics etc.

 

However it could just be a case of the grass is greener syndrome...unfortunately it happens a lot these days. However she has said what she wanted and all you can do is give it to her. My ex left me and while I miss her, I tell myself many things to keep me going and one of them is "Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?"

 

I would start by having no contact with her and working on fixing you and making yourself heal.

[freudj2000]

Whenever you think about the most recent times of your relationship, did you notice a downward trend? Did this gradually happen or was it sudden? If it happened gradually, it is very likely that her feelings have changed. People do lose attraction as time passes. If it was sudden, it might be someone else in the picture.

[Desiderata]

"I love you dearly, but I'm not in love with you" - This is one that I've struggled with also. I think that it's one thing to love someone because I feel like I have love for people - just strong feelings of being close to them, knowing them very well and enjoying the person that they are. "In love" is deeper - it has more of an involved quality for me. Being in love means feeling like that person is a part of you, like they make you better in so many ways by just being with them and loving someone can do that, but... grr it's so hard to explain in words. For me loving someone means that they are important, that I can care about them enough to call them a friend or worry about them or just have fun being with them. Being "in love" comes from knowing someone for so long, from having serious conversations with them, taking things from one level to the next and knowing them like you do not know anyone else.

 

"The relationship has run it's course" - Could mean that she felt unfulfilled in some ways. Like there were things either or both of you had become complacent with and there was no spark there for her any longer. It either means that she was unwilling to work out whatever seemed wrong in her eyes or that she just didn't have the same feelings anymore and that is where the above reason comes from - the "not in love with you" reason. She cares or she did care, but something has made he realize that it's time to stop trying. Depending on the situation I think that is truly selfish - if there is still caring there then why not pursue working on things? But some people just feel like once that feeling of being "in love" is gone then there is no sense in trying any longer.

 

"I don't love you" - Well that goes hand in hand with "I'm not in love with you" but the in carries so much meaning. Now she's just basically saying that she doesn't care. But in saying "None of this is your fault" she is making you worry and putting the blame on herself - but still leading you to believe that there really is something that you did.

 

She doesn't love you or isn't in love with you any longer, the relationship has run for as long as she can handle and none of those reasons are your fault. There are questions I have left unanswered from my ex because his reasons were ridiculous also. Of course if there were reasons that are her fault and she is responsible then most people will not admit that. No one can just "stop loving someone" - it's just not physically or emotionally possible. But there must be some strong reasons - whether they are things you did or that she did - to make her realize things cannot go on.

 

You were together for 7 years, is there anything significant that happened during that time that may lead you to believe why she could say those things? Was she acting distant or closed off at all before she ended things? It's just those kinds of behavior that can lead to a breakup and leave us wondering what we did - because we all believe that something must be wrong with us if they are leaving us. Sometimes it's them or us or both, sometimes not. But I'm just trying to get insight on how she was before this so that maybe some kind of sense can be made.

 

You will never know the true answers even if you ask her but right now I think it's okay to just wonder what happened, even if it's for your own piece of mind.

[Delia22]

I've received similar "I don't love you anymore comments" in the past when my ex ended our five-and-a-half year relationship. But what I came to learn was that there WERE signs along the way that the relationship had run its course, I just loved him too much to see them. It wasn't until I took a step back and started to look at things objectively that I was able to pinpoint my unhappiness in the realtionship.

 

As for the love thing, what you have to realize is that your partner checked out of the relationship way before she decided to tell you. She didn't wake up that day and decide that the love was gone. It's unfair, but she got to wean herself off of you before letting you go...while now you're stuck with the ugly task of getting over her WITHOUT HER in your life. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

My advice to you is to talk to her as much about it as you can now... but make sure not to drag it on. Get the closure you need, have the answers you need to have answered, and then start your healing process with NC.

 

From one broken heart to another, trust me, I feel your pain

[rosie76]

I'm afriad sometimes feelings just go away. It happened to me after over two years. I really adored the guy, we were happy, sharing a home - but then I changed in ways he didn't (we'd left college, I was working, he wasn't) and after some time even though I cared for him tremendously, I just didn't feel romantic about him anymore. And I don't mean flowers and excitement romance, I mean I didn't feel anything more than friendship for him. I sometimes find it irritating that people expect to feel 'in love' all of the time, as after a while good relationships are about sharing a life and cooperating more than all the trimmings. But if there really is nothing more than friendship left in one partner's feelings, that's another matter. He didn't do anything to deserve my feelings going away but there was nothing he could have done to get them back. 'Run it's course' is an honest way to put it sometimes, I think.

 

It's a terrible thing that this happens - whether you're the one who feels less or the one who feels more, the fact that all the right feelings can be there for so long and still turn out to be transient is flat out depressing. But it does happen and sometimes there really is no clarification to be had. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time - I've been the one who felt more before, too, and know how maddening it is to have the bottom ripped out of your life and not understand why - I hope you'll feel better sooner rather than later.

[Dako]

It takes time to gain perspective and see the whole picture.

 

We don't need answers when love begins but when it ends, we want a full accounting. Whatever answers we're given seem so trivial compared to our pain. It's just too hard to grasp.

 

I hope you discover what happened and heal.

[ivanhoe]

Sometimes we just don't get the answers, ever. It really calls for us to move on and look forward. I can understand that you are in real pain right now and this is hurting like hell and it is perfectly normal. I don't know why so often the dumper can't say, maybe it is the grass is greener and they can't be honest or think that they are doing us a favour by not telling us exactly why they have decided to end the relationship but sometimes we just never know.

 

The best advice is to go NC for 30 days. Take time out for yourself and try and be good to yourself. It's hard to stop the questions from going around in your head but they do stop in time. It can take a while but we do all move on and we shift our focus from the questions of the past to the hopes for the future.

 

For now you must accept that the relationship is over, you are in a state of grief and probably shock, there are some great resources on the web that are helping me through this and can help you too.

 

Good luck

[Entropy Smith]

Hello all,

Maybe someone can offer some insight. One of the main sources of pain for me is me wondering why my ex left me.

We were together for 7 years and she ended the relationship over 2 months ago.

Here are all the reasons she gave me:

• I love you dearly, but I'm not in love with you
  
• The relationship has run it's course
  
• I don't love you
  
• None of this is your fault
  

I am confused as to how she can just stop loving me. I told her all the things that could be my fault, but she said no, it's not my fault and to not blame myself.

Do any of you have any possible interpretations of this?

Feel free to ask any questions as well and be brutally honest if you have to.

Thanks.

 

She was just being nice. Your admitting guilt to all the things that could be your fault tells me everything...you gotta get some game, evolve, be alive...you can be a nice guy but with no edge your done...boredom is a relationship killer...just be glad you ditched you up front and didn't get what she needs by cheating...Boredom is a seducers 2nd best friend (LDR the 1st!)

[Nixee]

"Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?"

 

 

In time, you might begin to be able to look back and see the symptoms that were there. And I feel pretty sure that you will, especially after you meet someone else who truly does love you, and you begin to experience once again what actually being loved feels like.

 

In the meantime, you just have to learn to let go. You can't make someone love you. If she is sure its not something you did. If she is sure she isn't mad at you... then you have to accept her decision.

 

And ask yourself that question Up and Down posted over and over again.

 

Do you REALLY want to be with someone who doesn't love you?

 

Even if you feel deep down that she does or did or could again.... she is giving up. She is not willing to put in the effort. It is sad, but it is not your fault. It is just your loss, and hers. Time to grieve and move on step by step.

[Optigan]

I think this is the best post I've ever seen on ENA.

 

Of course, every single one of these points is very likely to bug you very much.

 

But yes, she probably did show many, many signs of not actually being there. She did, didn't she? Now it's interesting how various people react in such circumstances. On one hand, I was aware of the weirdness of the situation, which basically meant starting fights over her behavior. Or just turning around and going home, or whatever, on several occasions. Was it clever? Not really. Was there anything I could do that would've been "clever"? Not really. Probably the same with you: whatever you did or didn't do if/when you saw her changing before your very eyes from a loving person to something else, which is so painful... Probably would not really matter whatsoever.

For, what can you do when the downfall starts? Not much, I think.

 

Could have broken up with her myself, though, but what would be the difference? Ego? I'm afraid I'm way too clever to successfully fool myself in that way. Moreover, I did not want the relationship to end. Which means that, by breaking up with her, I would have done something I did not want to do.

 

Actually, I do not really have a very good idea how love can like, die. I recall breaking up myself twice, with two different people: the first time, it was a case of the realtionship not working/me feeling inadequate, although (or exactly because) I was overwhelmingly in love. Now I am not sure what I did say - but I certainly did not say neither the total truth, nor the things you got. The other time (which in fact came first chronologically, I think) the feelings were not there to begin with.

 

I mean, I can not explain any of the phrases you heard, but I can assure you that they are not particularly original. Perhaps someone who did use them once or twice or etc can give us some more insight in the inner workings of the mind of a person who gradually, or abruptly, stops loving their partner.

 

As for advice, No Contact is okay, but I don't think you should be very rigid right on. As Delia22 put it, talk to her as much about it as you can now... but make sure not to drag it on.

[Optigan]

Oh, here it is. But how did you notice that? Was it sort of like falling in love, but in the opposite direction, or what?

 

One very improtant question: did that guy start to irritate you, like, the little things you would have loved or wouldn't have noticed earlier? Happenned to me, and generally seems to be very frequent.

[LBP]

Everyone's relationships with people change. In older times, this meant that you had to adapt to these changes and grow together through them because it was such a large and imposing world and your 'close' relations were often all you had. This is no longer the case. Today, in a society based upon stimuli, ambition and instant gratification, people have no patience for this kind of thinking. Is it necessarily better or worse? I don't think it's possible to characterize in that sense...

 

But as someone said before... She gave up. What can you do? In the days of our forefathers, a woman could wait for years for her husband to return from overseas... Or even longer, as we take it back before the 20th century. People (women particularly) have more options, these days, and the freedom to take them.

 

The only thing you can do is cut her out of your life until you're healed and, as a stronger and better person, move on into that future for which you are uniquely suited. Cherish your self-esteem and you'll be fine.

 

As for what she said... It really sounds like she had feelings for someone else and decided that it was the deal breaker. As a man, I am attracted to every pretty girl I meet, but I've never had this interfere with my priorities re: relationships... I have many male and female friends who do not feel the same way.

[Coyote9]

It's really hard to know for certain what motivated her to do what she did when she did it. I have learned however, to not trust what people say but rather what people do. In my case, my ex spent many months emotionally and sexually distancing herself, even as she said the right things and continued to want to stay in the relationship. She ended it abruptly in April after meeting someone else, or at least meeting someone she wanted to pursue. I think that's often the case, as people will stay around for all sorts of reasons (comfort, financial connections, guilt) but finally decide to leave when they have a specific pathway (often into another relationship) they want to pursue. This sounds harsh but I think most of the time it's true.

[iminpain]

Evr,

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. This will hurt for awhile, you won't get any answers or any closure, there is no such thing as answers and closures that will help you overcome this pain. There is only time. You must embrace this hell with arms wide open and ask yourself what is the meaning of courage.

[evr]

i wish there was a way i could thank each one of you--

such wonderful posts. so insightful and caring about my particular situation.

i'd love to answer any questions.

Desiderata, your post was amazing. so were so many others.

I don't know where to start, but thank you all for your posts.

i did notice her falling away, and it is so painful. she said she had lukewarm feelings for me for the past two years. i hate myself for not doing anything romantic. i never took her on a vacation. i know she loves me and loves being with me. i took her on a few small trips a few months ago and we went kayaking and she almost turned around. she kept saying how much fun she had, even the day after.

its all so sad. i don't know what's going on. all i know is i miss her so much , and i have no strength to get her back.

[Desiderata]

Thank you my darling. I just tried to be very careful and objective, though I found myself starting to slip up a little bit and tried not to get too personal as there are some things I just cannot say.

 

Lukewarm feelings for the past two years? Well if she was feeling that way it could have been because you weren't doing things or just because of how she is - as it seems like you did do things together (just from that example you gave). If she said all of those things to you then clearly she is not the person you used to be with - she is someone totally different with feelings that do not match yours and thereforeeee do not make her worthy of your love and affection.

 

Do not hate yourself, you can hate what happened but do not totally blame yourself. Your strength might feel depleted right now and missing her is inevitable, but I know that getting her back is the last thing you should do. And really, if you got answers to those questions that you have and reasons why she said those things, you might end up feeling worse than you already do. Right now just try not to think about her and realize what a great person you are in and of yourself - just you.

[evr]

thank you desiderata.

you really think getting her back is the last thing i should do?

[Desiderata]

Well she said all of these horrible, awful things to you. It seems like you are so unhappy and I know very few people that would want to go back into a relationship with someone like that right away.

[evr]

hi desiderata,

what horrible awful things did my ex say? i'm checking to see if you confused me with another post. this is wat she said and it's her honest feelings, not necessarily something to hurt me in that sense, right?

• I love you dearly, but I'm not in love with you
  
• The relationship has run it's course
  
• I don't love you
  
• None of this is your fault
  

[Desiderata]

I mean horrible in the sense of how they are making you feel - yes they are her honest feelings, but if she can tell you that she doesn't love you anymore then she either truly doesn't or she is trying to tell herself that she doesn't. I consider them horrible things because of how they've hurt you. I just hope that you've considered what you're going to do about the trip that she invited you on, because I really do not think it is a good idea - even if it's only a friend thing I don't think it's okay, or I myself would not be comfortable with going on a trip like that.

[evr]

desiderata, i wish i understood fully why going would be a bad thing. it's so hard to turn this down. i do know that whhen i go i have aboth a wonderful and sometimes bad time, and leaving is so so hard. i usually end up crying a lot as i drive 2 hours back home.

[Desiderata]

Well you just have to ask yourself if it is worth it - if you can go and have a good time and then not feel bad or long for her afterwards then okay. But it just seems like you are so hurt by what she said to you and even if this trip is just as friends, I do not feel like it will be a good idea and you will just end up hurting yourself more than realizing it was a good decision.

 

But that's up to you - if you want to go and think it will be fine, then you should go. Just worry about yourself and how you will feel instead of worrying about her.

[evr]

i have to learn about worrying for myself instead of her. for some reason, i can't do that right now. i know i will feel bad if i go. but i'm not strong enough right now to turn this down. i haven't given her an answer yet, but it is this evening. i have no idea what i am doing. i'm stressed out by so many things and options.

[evr]

and to let you know, i know for sure i will not be able to feel good-i will long for her badly after leaving. like, i will not be able to go there as a cheery friend and enjoy her company in that way-- know what i mean? i know i will be miserable.