Someone help me please, long post here.

[Green_pudding]

This is probably going to be a long ranting type post, but even still I would appreciate all the feedback I can get. Anyway, on with it...

 

20 year old female, no relationship experience to speak of, that means no dating, no kissing, no boyfriend, no sex obviously, no nothing EVER. Now even though I do truly want these things I would still want to do things on my own terms. I don't see myself burdening a guy and needing him in my life all the time. I just want someone to hold, kiss and hug sometimes, to have great conversations with and share a meal with here and there. Ideally I would probably see my SO twice or three times a week tops. I do have my own things to do and other people to see and I also enjoy a lot of time flying solo. In other words, I don't need a guy, but I would really really like one, if only to know what that's like since I've never had a boyfriend in my life.

 

A little about my history. I was always a tomboy growing up. I have three brothers and we didn't have much money so I always got their hand me downs (being the youngest). I played sports a lot, concentrated on my studies and was pretty much asexual from the time I was in kindergarten all the way to middle school. Fact is, I truly didn't have interest in boys. I think I am the classic late bloomer case.

 

Compounding all of these things were the fact that I was also classically ugly. Now I know a lot of you would dispute this, so let me paint a picture for you:

 

-braces

-excessive facial/body hair (not as bad as some, but lets just say I was better off wearing long sleeves, and waxing my upper lip has done me a world of good, thankfully no unibrow or mutton chops!)

-severe acne

-glasses

-skinny - no chest, no booty: built like a boy

-always wore my hair in a ponytail, never any other way

 

People can be so cruel when you're young and it's especially crushing between the ages of 11-16. Mean kids called me a boy, asked if I was a lesbian (because I played sports and was good at them), some even actually thought I was a guy. All of these things made me terribly shy, reclusive and self loathing. At the same time I didn't want to change anything about myself because I was afraid people would know that their words were getting to me. So I never tried to dress in a girly way, never tried to wear makeup, never changed my personality (and be outgoing) and went on being who I was even though it made me terribly unhappy. Besides, I excelled at school work and wanted to give off the air that superficial things like looks didn't matter to me. So I worked on my personality, deeply analyzed myself and my emotions and pursued my interests.

 

To the outside world I was ugly, quiet, hard-working, shy and meek while on the inside I knew I was opinionated, open-minded and observant and I showed that personality to people who were close to me. But even though I did have a handful of friends I still left a great deal of emotional distance from them. For instance, none of them ever knew I thought I looked ugly. So when I was growing up I never talked about boys or relationships. It was always about sports or class or movies or tv or something else mundane.

 

Then something changed when I went to college. I had a lot of anxiety over whether my roomates would like me (I would have six of them) and as it turned out they all really liked me and I had an awakening of sorts, that I was in fact a worthy person. The friends I made were all really honest about how they felt about their looks and their relationships and oftentimes lack thereof relationships and it made me realize that other people were having the same problems as me.

 

While in college I also put on like 25 pounds and filled out a bit (when I came to college I was like 105) . My senior year in high school my braces came off and I also got contacts for playing basketball. Thankfully my acne took a shallow dive and now instead of severe it's now mild/normal. The city where I moved to is super fashionable and so were my friends so I picked up a taste for looking good and buying nice things. Not to mention when you go to college you can completely start over like a new person. But I'd like to think I didn't become cookie cutter. I feel like I'm still me, same strong opinions, same tomboyishness, just better looking and more confident. I also realized that wanting to look good didn't make me superficial it made me human and more honest with myself. It made me realize that if I felt bad about myself for some reason I ought to work to change it, not live in denial and be self-righteous by thinking I was above it all.

 

So, now after all of that I became confident in myself and began flirting with guys for the first time in my life. Luckily for me every guy I've ever liked and flirted with have flirted with me back. Turns out all that time I spent as a recluse made me somewhat interesting.

 

Now for my problem, at last...Even though people like me, it never goes anywhere and I'm not just talking romantically, I'm talking friendships too.

 

For example at my summer job the people there like me, my boss is literally in love with me and is always talking me up to everyone. My co-workers even threw me a little party when I left last summer before I went back to school and they have never done that for anyone before. They like me because I work hard, help others, am honest when they need an opinion and I can be funny and outgoing without needing attention all the time. In other words I'm all around awesome ha! But despite this, none of them ever ask me to hang out with them outside of work. I always hear about everyone hanging out here or going there together or playing flag football or whatever. I'm never invited!

 

Aside from this every guy I've flirted with materializes to nothing. We never exchange phone numbers. It's like I'll see you when I see you type deal and every time I do see them we fall back into step, flirting again. Now I do admit I'm not very good at communicating over technology. Even with my closest friends I often never return their calls. I also never AIM, rarely email people. I just feel if I have something to say I'll say it to you in person. I'm very bad at keeping in touch. But that probably has something to do not wanting to appear like I need other people in my life.

 

It's strange I can have so much in common with people, have deep conversations with them where we talk about things with depth and honesty, feel a real connection and yet nothing ever comes of it.

 

I guess there's some sort of contradiction in my behavior as in I can talk to practically anyone like their my best friend so long as we're face to face, but then go for long stretches of time and never communicate with them, and even have no guarantee of ever speaking again. It makes me sad and I don't know what to do with myself. I guess it would be very easy to just ask for a number etc. but I just feel like I've worked so hard with people for them to like me, like i'm doing 70 percent of the work, why can't they just come the other 30? I guess I feel mature, yet still so immature, with my inabilities to make my relationships grow. Also I haven't fully gotten over all my shyness even though no one would tell you I'm shy.

 

Comments anybody, I don't even really know where to begin or whether all that stuff in the beginning was relevant, just glad to get this all out.

[onewithbooks]

First of all, Bravo and Congrats to making all of your positive changes!! You have done a lot of introspection and made changes that have helped your self esteem, Bravo!

 

Now I am going to give you the best advice I can. And its advice I doubt you will be happy to hear. Give it time. Boyfriends will come in your future. Right now is such a crucial time for you to keep on finding out who you are and gaining more self confidence. As you keep on exploring who you are, you will meet lots of people, and things will fall into place. You just have to trust time.

 

 

If you want some proactive advice of something you can work on, I can give you that too. Take what you mentioned here:

 

Now I do admit I'm not very good at communicating over technology. Even with my closest friends I often never return their calls. I also never AIM, rarely email people. I just feel if I have something to say I'll say it to you in person. I'm very bad at keeping in touch. But that probably has something to do not wanting to appear like I need other people in my life.

It's strange I can have so much in common with people, have deep conversations with them where we talk about things with depth and honesty, feel a real connection and yet nothing ever comes of it.

 

 

This could definitely pose a problem!! Set aside time every week to keep in touch with people. Set aside 10 min 2-3 times a week and respond to your e-mails. Who knows you could be missing out on invites and not even knowing it! Technology is the way the world is going and its how people communicate. I admit, its not my favorite thing, but I do it. I also write snail mail. Put in the time to check your e-mails and AIM and what not, you might be surprised what comes of it!

 

 

It makes me sad and I don't know what to do with myself. I guess it would be very easy to just ask for a number etc. but I just feel like I've worked so hard with people for them to like me, like i'm doing 70 percent of the work, why can't they just come the other 30? I guess I feel mature, yet still so immature, with my inabilities to make my relationships grow. Also I haven't fully gotten over all my shyness even though no one would tell you I'm shy

.

 

Ok this bothers me. It makes you sound like you are trying too hard. Dont try so hard for people to like you. You need to like you before you can expect everyone else to follow suit. Find your own groove and others will meet you part way. Not just that, but you could say here is my number call me, instead of asking others for theirs, put the ball in their court and see what happens.

 

Good Luck! I wish you well!

 

OWB

[Daddy Bear]

I don't have any answers; I'd just like to say that people like you, who suffered the indignity of cruel taunting throughout childhood but somehow came out of it mentally and emotionally intact - as I gather from reading your thoughts here - are my heroes.

 

Welcome to ENA, and let me give you a little tip: if you create a thread with a long first post, don't mention that fact in the title!

[Nixee]

Congrats on the positive changes you have made! It takes a lot of strength to grow into the person you long to be, so I applaud you on that.

 

I am going to agree with onewithbooks on the communication point though... if someone leaves you a message and you don't call them back, that is a huge obstacle in the path to friendship. Definitely get yourself 'up to speed' on modern communication forms... friends nowadays send emails, messages, texts, IMs... in addition to the good old phonecall. If you make yourself available (though of course, never desperate), it'll be much easier to form stronger bonds with people.

 

As for flirting and romance... it is really great that you feel confident enough to flirt now. keep up with that! Soon enough something WILL come of it... and maybe, when you are ready... if you meet someone that you really feel an attraction for, maybe go ahead and give them your number. Its ok to make the first move, if you feel strong enough to do it. For the longest time I had a hard time doing this, but as soon as I finally did, I was very pleasantly surprised with the results.

[Green_pudding]

Thank you for all the kind replies and advice. I definitely think I should work on my communication problems. Now that I think about it, i think I'm more concerned with making friendships than romantic relationships really, but of course I don't think having a boyfriend would sidetrack me a great deal. No, I certainly wouldn't complain if a good relationship ever lopped its way towards me lol.

 

It's weird. I want to build relationships with people but at the same time I desperately want to not come off as needy. So much so to the point that I don't return their calls or ask for their numbers etc. I also try very hard not to use people. For instance I've been lucky enough to have some friends who are interesting, respected and popular and I've never tried to make friends with their friends just for the sake of doing it or to build up my social status.

 

Of course I don't do all of this because I'm a genuinely good person or selfless. I'm so approval hungry and a complete people pleaser. I've even been accused on certain occasions of always taking the high road. Now I know that doesn't sound like a bad thing but I guess I come off as self righteous or something because I'm always willing to admit I'm wrong and I'm proud of that, almost to the point of condescension I guess?

 

On top of that I'm so deathly terrified that people will find me boring, dumb and depressing so to solve that I just try to avoid them altogether. I'm sort of hermit-like too. My roommate for the past 3 years is like the big woman on campus and nobody knows I'm her roommate, which is fine I don't put myself out there at all I don't go to the parties she invites me to etc. And in a weird way I even enjoy turning down invites because it makes me seem and feel like I'm too cool for even cool people. In reality I'm probably the lamest f-er you've ever met. I guess I'm afraid of people spending more time with me because then they'll find out how truly lame, boring and stupid I am, so for that reason I keep them all at arms distance.

 

Gaaah, I feel like none of that was clear...yeah, i need sorting out.

[Jimbot07]

Until you get out there and start socialising and making new friends you are not going to be making things better for yourself, instead you will end up going round and round in circles and make everything worse!!

People wont want to be friends with you if you dont answer their calls or go to their parties when you are invited, they will see you as someone who cant be bothered to make an effort which wont do you any favours and will only make you feel more lonely!!

Just try it and see, go to a party, socialise with people and make an effort, you will see a return on it, you will see people will respond in the same way towards you, then once you get a nice group of friends you will start to feel better about yourself and then gradually be able to be happier.

In order to get better a first step has to be made, and the only person that can make that step is you!!

[jenny_mcs]

First, congrats on your transformation, I love reading posts like yours.

 

Now- as to you question/concern, I really feel like this is the heart of the matter:

 

It's weird. I want to build relationships with people but at the same time I desperately want to not come off as needy. So much so to the point that I don't return their calls or ask for their numbers etc.

 

 

Obviously being taunted and teased and being kind of reclusive for much of your life left you with some lingering self-worth problems. So you are still holding yourself back from forming relationships (platonic or romantic) with others- maybe still seeing yourself as yoou were at 15, not as you are now.

 

I don't think there is any magic solution for this, but I think you need to work towards it in small increments. Maybe set some goals for yourself- like: OK, this week I will 1) return all phone calls from friends 2) Initiate contact with one friend and invite them to do something.

 

I think it's good to remember that we are all so similar inside- everyone struggles with feelings of inadequacy, feels not good enough, wants to have friends and be a part of a group. I think most of your friends/acquaintances would love it if you asked them to hang out.

 

Good luck!

[Falcon Group]

Hi Green Pudding,

We empathize deeply with what you are feeling hon. It can be very painful to feel alone or unwanted.

 

But perhaps you have had a purpose for being this way at this time. It sounds like you intended to avoid the pitfalls of many relationships and the pain relationships often create. Perhaps you have been more afraid of the pain of a relationship than of the pain of being alone.

 

There is spiritual knowledge that is being explored by quantum physics which is discussed in 'What the Bleep Do We Know' and 'The Secret' both available as books and DVDs. The bottom line, discovered by quantum physicists, but known to many spiritual people is that you personally create the world which you experience.

 

This may seem very strange, but it is our personal experience that this is also very true, you are the one responsible for everything you experience.

 

You may wonder why you have created a life in which you may feel so much pain hon, but we are certain you have had your reasons for doing so, even if those reasons are not always apparent to you.

 

The good news is that as you become aware of your relationship to the world you are creating for yourself you can learn to make significant changes. You will empower yourself to improve your life.

 

The place to begin to make these improvements is with yourself and how you feel about yourself. You have made some improvements in your regard of yourself and that has been reflected by your learning to feel better about yourself.

 

One reason we strongly empathize with you is that we find our life is much like yours in regard to relationships or friendships that never really seem to materialize. We are aware of many ways in which we alienate the people who love us and push them away. So it may be the case that you are also unconsciously doing the same thing, particularly by looking for a healthy relationship.

 

Most people are not looking for healthy relationships Pudding. They are looking for co-dependent relationships because our cultures do not really teach us about how to have healthy relationships.

 

Nearly everything that people get in the way of role models portrays needy people whose relationships are built upon codependencies.

 

Such relationships cripple their partners. So long as either party is dependent on the other they are dependent on serious inadequacies in themselves which cannot be addressed and improved upon without threatening the foundation of their relationship. So the partners keep each other weak and needy because if they help each other to grow and to become stronger then their partner will no longer need them and they are afraid of losing the person they feel they need.

 

Ideally the partners would teach each other to be stronger, healthier, happier people and would grow together as a result, so that they do not grow apart from one another... but our cultures are heavily invested in maintaining our weaknesses because when we are weak we are much more easily manipulated and exploited.

 

Advertising works by exploiting our fears. Advertising si made more successful by teaching us to be more fearful. For instance, your previous concern with your acne... People are worth so much more than a few marks on their face, and yet they devalue themselves to an unreasonable degree by the presense of any blemishes. And yet most of us have physical faults of one sort or another, and when we truly love someone we overlook those. So to truly love ourselves we must overlook these things in ourselves as well.

 

However, our culture is geared to emphasize our fear of rejection based on something as innocuous as blemishes. Our culture exploits our fears of rejection to sell us stuff that is supposed to improve our self esteem.

 

A classic example would be automobiles. Boys are sold on the idea they must have a hot car to get a hot girl. Stupid! But nearly everyone falls for that deception. Girls learn to judge boys by their cars or other possessions, or by their superficial appearances, etc... boys learn to judge girls the same way... Nobody can live up to the expectations being pushed by our cultures and everyone becomes disappointed and lonely or settles into an unhealthy relationship based on superficial values.

 

So perhaps you knew this all along on some deep inner level of your being and didn't want to participate in these games of deception or disablement.

 

We reckon so. We feel you are still looking for a healthy relationship in a world deliberately designed to prevent such from ever happening.

 

We are not claiming we ourselves are ready for healthy relationships but we are working toward that goal. And it seems to us that that is what you have been doing too, albeit perhaps not so consciously or deliberately, because if you were focused on this as a conscious and deliberate choice you would not be hurting yourself so much over your perceived lack of friends or lovers.

 

Pain is something that may always be present to some degree in everyone's lives... We feel pain when we are lonely or isolated and to some degree everyone feels that sense of loneliness and isolation. It is very hard to find a partner with whom you share an adequately deep sense of being recognized and loved for who you are; particularly for who you perceive yourself to be.

 

We can respond to pain by dwelling on it and people are trained to do just that. Our culture glorifies victimization and people learn to create their 'I am a victim' stories for the attention it will get them. Most people have an inner dialogue that portrays them as a victim in some fashion, even if they go about declaring that they refuse to be anyones victim, they are making themselves a victim in their own eyes and keeping themselves crippled as a result.

 

When we dwell on pain we make our pain worse. We cause ourselves to suffer more as a result of dwelling on our pain. This can create a feedback loop in which the pain gets out of hand. The typical method of managing such a feedback loop is to distract ourselves from our pain. And we spend lots of money doing just that.

 

Thats where the advertising world wants us, in a state of pain and need looking for ways to keep ourselves distracted, preferably expensive ways... So our cultures are playing up the roles of victims in the news and pop culture, arts and entertainment. Our cultures are deliberately teaching us to be better victims. Sad, sick, but true...

 

We can choose to respond to our pain by letting it go, acknowledging it but not focusing on it, being aware of it but not keeping our awareness engaged with it. When you feel your own pain then respond with love for yourself, recognize how much you love about yourself and teach yourself to love yourself unconditionally. When you feel your own pain then be compassionate toward yourself by choosing to let go of your pain rather than dwelling on it. When you feel your own pain then respond by honestly nurturing yourself with exercise, healthy food, caring for your home and possessions, improving the things around you which you value. The things you don't value enough to care for well you should give away. Simplify your life to reduce stress. The things you value most will then have more room to grow.

 

Likewise, when you see another person in pain, reach out to them, love them unconditionally, be compassionate without engaging in the processes they are using to maintain or escalate their pain. Nurture them by finding things within them that they value and helping them to focus on these and treasure them more. Help them to learn to love themselves unconditionally, to be healthier and happier and more compassionate toward themselves and more nurturing of themselves and the world around them.

 

If you live your life in this manner, loving yourself deeply and deeply loving everyone you meet, it matters much less which people are in your life at the moment or in what manner they are engaged in your personal process of living your own life. By being truest to yourself and what you value most in yourself and the world you create around you you will naturally attract people who belong with you because they will reflect the sense of joyful wellbeing you have created from within yourself.

 

Namaste Green Pudding!

 

Love from the Falcon Group...

[ftheunion]

It's evolution, just like that song by Korn.