Is this weird?

[nuttybuddy]

My bf and I have been doing ok in our LDR, and he's been working crazy hours like 30hr shifts. Well, this morning, as he was getting off work, he called me as usual. And of course I was delighted to hear from hims since we haven't talked for 30hrs. So, I could tell he's very tired, and he's talking slowly and thinking a lot. Then at one point, I asked him a long winded question. And there was silence. So I said, hello? And he was like, Oh I was just trying to decide which fast food to go and pick up food. And then... nothing. Then after he puts in his order in a drive through, he starts talking about new things that are just in his mind. In the meantime, I'm like... he just ignored me completely! I mean, I understand that he's not doing this intentionally... cuz I think he's so tired that he's really not even functioning like a normal human being. But this isn't the first time this has happened. He's done this even when he wasn't so tired. Like, he'd be so absorbed in reading something on the internet, that while I'm on the phone with him, whatever I said just never even registers.

 

So because of my silence, he asks, "are you mad at me?" and I said, "I don't think so." And he was like, "What did you ask?" And I said, "It wasn't important." Then I wanted to get off the phone with him and he couldn't force me to be on the phone with him, so he let me go.

 

I don't want to be causing trouble... am I being unreasonable? or Is he completely weird???? I just don't get how he could COMPLETELY not HEAR that someone just said something. I mean, how can you completely IGNORE a voice???? And if attention was brought to the fact by saying, Hellooo? I mean, a normal person would say, I'm sorry, did you say something? But noooooo, it's like he COMPLETELY DID NOT HEAR...... I just don't get that.

 

Is this an issue I need to talk out with him? Or do I just deal with this for the rest of my life? And if I should talk to him about it, what do I even say???

 

I'm so confused.

[Clarity]

I used to be in an LDR and used to do the exact same thing to my girlfriend.

 

IMHO, it's not weird or bad, some guys, including myself and presumably your BF are just not phone people. Some girls are like fish in water on the phone, but to some guys, talking on the phone is a chore, it's not fun, it's difficult.

 

To keep the LDR alive, you almost *have* to talk on the phone regularly, but it's easy for guys who don't enjoy phone talk to try and keep themselves entertained during long conversations. I know it's kind of rude, but don't take it as an insult, try to be understanding. Imagine if, for the sake of the LDR, you had to do something you didn't enjoy constantly, like (I'm stereotyping here), watching a sporting event you had no interest in with your BF every day. For a while, you would put your effort in and try for the relationship, but after a while, it's hard to keep that interest up.

 

Bottom line, it's not weird, it's not a signal of a problem. One way we improved things is to keep the conversations shorter. That way they are more energetic, and they don't drag on so much with both of you on the phone just wishing you were together. It may be hard at first, but it makes things easier in the long run.

[nuttybuddy]

Thanks Clarity....

 

Maybe he isn't a phone person. And we do have long comfortable silences on the phone a lot of the times. But I'm actually not a phone person either.

 

I could even remember him doing this while we were physically in the same room.... like he would be browsing the internet and I would be doing my thing, and then I would say something and he completely did not hear it. So at that time, I of course just repeated myself.

 

But if he's not even paying attention while I'm there physically.... does it mean that he's just losing interest in me? Or are you gonna tell me that he's just not a talker and that he tends to shut out everything around him?

 

I think that's what I really don't get...... it's weird...

[sweetheart607]

I don't think he is losing interest in you he called didn't he, he was tired and yet he still wants to talk to you. I think it is a guy thing (no offence) my guy does it sometimes it annoys me but then sometimes he surprises me by coming out with things i wasn't really expecting him to have heard or remembered. My guy can't just be on the phone (i have other friends that are like this so i don't see it as weird) sometimes he'll be on the comp game and we'll be talking about something and all of a sudden he'll stop and be like oh no run run away i'm gonna die lol now that's a bit disconcerting lol Xx

[nuttybuddy]

Hi Sweeheart,

 

thanks for responding. I think you're right. In my gut, I know that he's not losing interest in me. I mean, he's told me just in our other conversation that it makes him happy to talk to me.

 

but i guess the feelings I get is the feeling of being ignored..... nobody likes being ignored.......

 

maybe i'll just get used to it......... although, i donno if that's a healthy thing.

[SpeedingCars]

It's not weird whatsoever. That's how it's been with my boyfriend lately. We're not in a LDR, but he works 16+ hours a day and goes to school at night and by the time we talk on the phone, he's extremely exhausted.

 

Just be grateful he called you!

[nuttybuddy]

Hi speedingcars,

 

thanks for your input. i am grateful that the moment he steps out of work, the first person he would want to talk to is me.

 

it's just that it seems so contradictory when i'm ignored.

 

oh well....... i guess i'll have to deal with it......

[Clarity]

Thanks Clarity....

 

Maybe he isn't a phone person. And we do have long comfortable silences on the phone a lot of the times. But I'm actually not a phone person either.

 

I could even remember him doing this while we were physically in the same room.... like he would be browsing the internet and I would be doing my thing, and then I would say something and he completely did not hear it. So at that time, I of course just repeated myself.

 

But if he's not even paying attention while I'm there physically.... does it mean that he's just losing interest in me? Or are you gonna tell me that he's just not a talker and that he tends to shut out everything around him?

 

I think that's what I really don't get...... it's weird...

 

Hey nuttybuddy,

 

This dynamic sounds exactly like my relationship with my ex, and although it was sometimes the source of friction, don't worry, it wasn't the cause of our breakup (or at least, I don't think it was!).

 

Your BF sounds like me, an introvert. At times, I could be very talkative with my GF and have long and deep conversations. She was an extrovert, always loving to talk and chat, sometimes about the most meaningless things IMHO. However, I would often not be in a great mood to talk, and these times I would be vulnerable to being distracted, whether it be the internet, playing my guitar, etc.

 

It's definitely not a sign of losing interest, but it could be a sign of (yikes) spending too much time together, IMHO. No matter how much two people can be into each other, everyone needs their space. You can be crazy in love with someone, but you'll still get bored of each other if you spend 24/7 together. This can mean phone contact too, if you are in an LDR. I may be wrong here, but if you find that you hang out a lot, just to talk, or talk a lot on the phone, without having specific things to do together, there is a lot of "dead air" to fill, so to speak. If you cut down on this time, it can often make the times you *are* in contact that much more emotion-filled and enjoyable.

 

Again, I may be offbase here, but your relationship sounds a lot like my old relationship in this respect.

[fmjosie]

IMO, he's bad at multi-tasking, plain & simple

[nuttybuddy]

I think you're right Clarity. I think he did get bored with me cuz we spent every waking moment together. So I think I should try to get rid of the "dead air" during phone convo's. It's just that, when I did try to do that, he kinda sounded sad that I was abandoning him or something. so, i think he's getting comfortable with the "dead air."

 

oh well.... i guess that's why marriage is soooo different from dating. i mean, having spent 24/7 with him before our LDR, he grew bored and now that we're in LDR, he tends to miss me. I think the experience of boredom has also given him cold feet about marrying me--which is something we used to talk about all the time.

 

AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! #-o

 

I'm just thankful that there's someone like you who seem to identify with my bf. It just makes it seem all more normal.

 

And yes... he is sort of an introvert. But I think I am an introvert too.... except I think we both can both flip to extrovertedness in comfortable situations.

[nuttybuddy]

hey fmjosie,

 

i think you're right! Women tend to be better at multi-tasking I hear. And I do know that he's very good at focusing on a task when he has to. He's so good at it that it even scares me. Cuz I don't think I can focus that much on anything! I get distracted sooooo easily.

[Clarity]

LDR's are hard. I'll be the first to admit. My only LTR was mostly an LDR. It was about 7 years long, 5 of which were LDR.

 

Ironically enough, some of our happiest times were during the LDR, and it was only after we were finally in the same city that things began to slowly fall apart.

 

As I'm sure you know, good communication is they key to a successful LDR, but that doesn't not mean *more* communication. If I put myself in the shoes of your boyfriend, I think you need to tell him honestly and frankly how his distracted nature on the phone makes you feel ignored. Do it lovingly and make it clear that you realize he is probably not doing it intentionally. Let him know that to avoid you getting more hurt, if you sense such "dead air" in a conversation, you're going to cut things short in the future. Stress to him that if you only talk for X minutes a day, it would do wonders for the both of you if that short period of time, compared to the rest of the day, would be filled with upbeat conversation and love. Let him know that if he's tired from work, he doesn't have to talk a long time with you, you can have a short, loving hello/goodbye, and catch up on things later on.

 

Basically, try to stress to him that in order to improve things you'd like to up the quality of your communication at the expense of the quantity. I think he'll be psyched about the idea, to him it means less phone time, and he'll be willing to put in the effort to make it more enjoyable for the both of you. Try to be clear with him that you are not blaming him, or yourself, but that this is a preemptive measure you'd like to work with him on, to improve things for the both of you.

 

It may seem like a bit of tough love, but I'm willing to bet that he shapes up and your LDR gets a bit better. I'm no expert, but that is the advice I would give you to you.

 

Take care.

[sddeaston]

hahahahahaha! Women can talk about damn near anything. Or find a reason to complain about anything. NOT degrading you or women in general, I just find it fascinating how you (women) can fixate on something so small.

 

Its all good, he was just pre-occupied. I also think another poster touched on the phone-person thing. I, myself, not so much a phone-person. I hate it. So, that probably works into the equation somewhere.

[nuttybuddy]

Well thanks Clarity. I will try what you suggested when the time is right.

 

And Sddeaston, I guess it is a little funny now that you mention it. I can't help feel like I should laugh about this. LOL.

 

Men! can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. hehe

[hueman84]

Wow 30hr shift sounds insane. What does he do? If you dont mind me asking.

 

As for the whole communication thing, when I was in an LDR (for 3.5 years) I came accross ALOT of situations like the one you described. Whenever my ex said "its not important" or something along those lines I usually assumed she was mad at me, even though she said she wasn't.

 

Whenever I didn't respond and was pre-occupied with something she usually called me out on it and was like "see your not listening to me again". Usually it was really because I was just pre-occupied with something else and it probably wasn't the best time for me to be on the phone. Even though phone conversation in an LDR is crucial (which it definitely is), sometimes I just found myself not wanting to be on the phone. I am really not a "phone" person. in the end my LDR didn't work out, a small part probably had to do with communication problems...the other part was that my ex wasn't very faithful and basically lost interest in me.