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Will I need NC? Has anyone had good breakups that didn't need it?

Hackuuna Matata

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Hi all, I'm sorry that this is going to be somewhat long but I guess I'm looking for general advice about the situation as well as if anyone has had similar experiences, and how they turned out.


My GF and I have been seeing each other for 3 months and we both feel very strongly about each other even after this short period of a time. The issue that has come forward to cause a breakup is that her visa will expire in about 3 months unless she finds a job here related to her field of study. Actually, there are many ways she can renew her visa but realistically (we both had a long discussion about this) many of those ways only make sense if you are thinking from the heart and not with the mind. We both agreed that it just wouldn't be right for her to pursue any of those other alternatives and that it only really makes sense for her if she found some work here.


The problem is that, although she has 3 months before being forced to leave the country, it's generally very difficult for a foreigner to find work. She decided that it was best to have this discussion now (i.e. it is very likely that she will not find some work and will have to leave) so that I will not be as devastated when that time comes. She also wanted to make it clear now because I too just graduated from university and will be looking for a job, so she didn't want me to sacrifice any potential careers just for her sake. However, I have made it clear to her that I am not going to give up on her until she is gone, and that she should only focus on her job search for now and not worry about my career opportunities (there's plenty for me to consider in this city anyway).


I admit that I was devastated to hear this because her original plan was to continue school for her masters while I find work, which would have pretty much guaranteed a renewed visa for over a year and the relationship could have developed further. But after thinking for some time she decided she was only thinking of doing that so she could remain here with me. Romantic, but not fair to her family (who would be financing her masters) and she really doesn't think she would be happy having to go through the stresses of a masters when she really isn't into it.


She expressed that if she doesn't find a job, and has to leave the country, that we can remain very good friends but keep open the possibility of crossing paths again one day, although we will be literally on opposite sides of the earth. In the mean time, she expressed that until she is kicked out of the country we can continue the relationship as-is but said she understands if I want to break off and go into NC after hearing all this, or if I am angry about and don't wish to see her again.


The thing is, I have such strong feelings of love and respect for her (and she for me) that I just know we will always get along great. I have no desire to end the relationship right now even with all this knowledge, but I accept that the odds are it's over. I feel no animosity towards her and I feel like this (eventual) breakup is on good terms.


So now to some of my questions. Do you think I will have to go into NC once she leaves? Anyone ever been in a similar situation and was still able to function normally while keeping the contact regular? Did you ever get back together again? Before you ask, no I would not be upset if she found someone else while we are separated as long as she is happy. I just want her to be happy...



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No, in your case I don't think that no contact is necessary.


In my opinion, no contact is very helpful for healing. If she does something to break your heart, it would help you to heal emotionally to stop contact. This sounds like just a bad situation you both are in, and it's not anyone's fault or anyone's bad decisions that is causing it.


Enjoy the time you have left with her. Savor every moment. When she returns to her home country, wish her the best of health and fortunes, with the understanding that you'll lead separate lives for a while. Then keep in touch! It's not necessary to call every day, but emailing is free and works well if you're dealing with very different time zones.


My own experiences: I had a romantic summer fling when I was a student in Italy when I was 19. We didn't do anything beyond holding hands and rather chaste kisses, but we cared for each other and we enjoyed each others' company and, after I returned home, correspondence. I am now 25 and have stayed in touch with that young man. I consider him to be a great and caring friend. If we lived in the same country, perhaps it could have been more. But we did the best we could in our situation.


Good luck and I hope you enjoy your relationship, whatever form it takes.



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Thanks for the reassurances. I just wanted to be sure that I'm not being delusional in thinking that I can actually stay in contact with this person since we are on good terms. We will probably talk together a little more about this tonight or tomorrow since it's still very fresh on our minds and she messaged me earlier today saying she's feeling that maybe she isn't giving us a chance, and that everyone deserves a chance.


I'm not quite sure what she means by that, but I'll be sure to ask.

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