Self Respect Guys!

[in_love]

I got it worked out folks!!!! This is only my point of view

 

OK long Post... possibly bore ye!!!! hehe!

 

Anyway....

 

We all want love, right? of course we do... but what do we all want to settle with?

 

You've been dumped so whats next? Crawl, beg, plead, wait, manipulate, go NC and hope it causes something to happen, wait some more, play games a little, add a pinch more of manipulation and stir in an unhealthy dose of worthlessness!!!! And heypresto we will find ourselves back with a partner who not only disrespected us by dumping us in the first place but played us along while they were off enjoying new found freedom knowing their pet dog was waiting at the sidelines!!!!

 

I'm afraid folks but for me these days of disrespect and settling for less than what I want and deserve are OVER!

 

Go out and try something new!

 

you found yourself with a partner, he or she may have been the bee's and ee's to start with and you (the dumped) may really have done nothing wrong to be dumped, if you did do something wrong then live and learn and change for the better! What happened has happened, cant be undone but you can certainly learn from it.

 

What I've been doing lately is putting my standards UP!!!! WAY UP, Like I'm talking going for women here who before I thought were totally out of my league!!!! Went out over the weekend and struck up conversations with emotionally healthy women (not girls), intelligent and very much established in their careers. I noticed not only did they enjoy my company but I actually found that I enjoyed their company more so than I did with my younger, less emotionally stable EX girlfriend and the girls I used to "endure", yep thats right, I endured the company of girls I really thought thats all I could get with!!!!!!!! haha... the irony of it all! And yea I'd have gave my left leg to get back with my ex.... not so sure now about that... anyway, dont wanna talk about her this aint about her!

 

Anyhows, I know aint got much (I must point out though, i have had one hell of a life for the average 31 year old) and this always played on my mind when chatting to women and yes sometimes it affected the outcome, it wasnt "what I had" it was more my attituide with myself, my self worth! A possible partner who cannot see past superficial nonsense such as financial worth, what you wear etc and see clearly what your goals in life and who you were and what you have become is clearly not relationship material! For me anyway, if thats what you care about then go ahead and make yourself unhappy!

 

I see what was wrong, very much wrong! I have simply been going for the wrong type of lady! Yeah I am a mature student, 31 year old male, who wears odd socks, looking like a cross between a boy band member look alike and some weird hippie dude with his hair cut short... I listen to music no one else likes and have the oddest taste in conversations, food and bars... all this played on my head, at least I thought it was important - it turns out it is actually something which interests these healthy women, they seemed pretty preplexed being hit on by some guy who was not the "usual" type of guy who hits on them!!!!

 

I tried the chatting to women who were emotionally healthy human beings, who were happy with themselves, who enjoyed their own company who didnt need to be assured, they were simply healthy, strong individuals!!!! They LOVED (read that word) my company!!!!!!

 

If you want your ex back thats all great but by doing NC to get them must be the dumbest thing you could possibly do!!! Why? because for one do you really want someone to come back to you by provocation? Do you want a partner who not only dumped you once but possibly disrespeceted your feelings, made you feel less than you deserved? Think about that for one second... you are wanting a person who TOTALLY threw you away!!!!! Where is your self respect??? eh? I mean, have you any idea how much one can achieve by simply believing in themselves and not caring what anyone else thinks... yea you might lose a lot of people in the process, and end up chatting to 50 potentials in one night but hey at least you will filter the pointless and not worthy from the ones who are worth it in the long run! Just think about it!!!

 

For me I believe now, especially after that fantastic weekend (and I cannot wait till this weekend), that you have a choice, you either choose your partner or allow them to choose YOU. If you accept anything other than what you want and deserve then you will more than likely go through partners like hot dinners and all of whom will totally disrespect you! All it takes is for you to set yourself standards and make them high!!!! Dont worry who you are, your weight, financial income or whatever. The women I spoke with are successfull, yea I was just chatting, but i noticed one thing, they simply did not care what I was, where I lived, how much I earned or what I wore they knew were I was in life and where I planned to go because they asked me!!!

 

My ex is emotionally unhealthy, she is immature at 25, she likes to have excitement of the honeymoon period, she is incapable of developing a strong deep bond with another person, she has many many issues, she flirts WAY too much to be respectful to me, she treats people who care for her in a not so nice way... all the traits of a woman I personally dont want to be with so I have asked myself why would I want her back? Basically I really dont, I am glad to have exeprienced this, I wouldnt be where I am now if I didnt!

 

I want to be with a partner who is intelliegent, emotionally healthy, one who wont take nonsense, one who after dumping me will walk and never look back. One who not only has complete control over their own life and desires but lets nothing interfere with their decisions. One who knows exactly who she is, one with whom I can respect and care for without having to think of "pulling back" or "acting aloof"... that game playing will get you nothing more than a woman who will turn out to be a bad choice, it will attract insecure people!

 

Be kind to yourself, be honest and be straight. If by being straight to the girl (or guy) you want results in them pulling back then ask yourelf do you really want to have a relationship with someone you cant even be yourself with? Where you have to walk on eggshells!!!!

 

Its really YOUR choice, allow this to happen to yourself and you will always be left wondering what happened! if you for once took control and choose your next partner wisely and actually set yourself some good high standards you could possibly end up with your dream partner!

 

Now wouldnt that be cool

 

"The Perfect Plan" - Hey, great stuff, perfect if all you want is some insecure partner who hasnt a clue what they want... is this what you want?

 

My perfect plan is this:

 

When you get dumped, walk away and just dont take them back EVER, learn from the relationship, improve yourself with the new found knowledge and go choose a healthier, more stable partner!

 

If you read this and think "ye right" or you think "but I so want my ex back"... then as blunt and as rude as this my sound you SERIOUSLY need to start having some self respect! Dont allow this to happen to you, just dont do it!!!! If you allow it you will always end up with this. JUST DONT ALLOW IT, end it now and do whatever you feel is right but ultimately NEVER let anyone disrespect you and make a fool of your emotions, when they do disrespect you simply eliminate them from your life and NEVER look back and when/if they change their mind, I dunno about you, but I am pretty certain now I wont take my ex back, I'd sugest the same for you guys!

 

I kinda respect myself a little more now, I have never felt so sure of my life, my goals, my abilities, myself than I do now - after this break-up!

 

Yes I went totally off the rails, drank heavily and partied 3-4 sometimes 5 days in a row, sometimes a few hours sleep here and there... to me it was needed, I needed to hit my rock bottom! It had to happen!

 

Of course I am ranting!

 

 

[papalazarou]

 

Yes I went totally off the rails, drank heavily and partied 3-4 sometimes 5 days in a row, sometimes a few hours sleep here and there... to me it was needed, I needed to hit my rock bottom! It had to happen!

 

Of course I am ranting!

 

 

 

 

You never did call when you came to Brighton

[in_love]

Papa... I do apologise for that but I seriously think I'd have been more a hinderance than good company, but!!!! I am heading there again soon, been chatting with my cousin!!! hehe... second time round only with less alcohol!

[lizer]

so why did you post this in the getting back together board?

this is about getting back together..

your post more belongs in healing after a break up.

the people here saw/see something really amazing in their ex's, whether they dumped them or not. you can have self respect and still deeply love the person with whom you shared everything with. we are humans. and people make screwy decisions. people are constantly changing and growing. but forgiveness exists. and new beginnings exist. and love always exists.

 

im happy you've realized you want to have nothing to do with your ex whom you find detestable now. but if we all took your advice... the majority of my friends and family would not be in happy marriages with children right now. if they 'never looked back'.. the majority of my family and friends did have a breakup with the person they eventually married.

 

i just hope those of us who still love someone who dumped us arent offput by your theory. we can still have self respect even though we've been rejected. thats life. the point is learning from it and growing from it.. whether its with the ex whom you still love... or with someone else. only time and love will tell.

[in_love]

find detestable now

 

NOPE!!! I dont... I actually do not hate her in the slightest, I find her to be simply not ready and not my type. Thats all...

 

This si in teh getting back together board because as an ex-dumpee I believe having come through this it would "possibly" be helpful for others in such a misserable place (where I had been) to try and realise that all it takes is to start loving and respecting yourself to begin healing and letting go.... "getting back together" so to speak!

 

Yes its all about self respect!

 

After that its your choice what you do, for me personally I wont take her back.

 

*edit*

 

Sorry man, I must say, I do infact love my EX wholeheartedly but I simply wont settle for nothing less than what I want and deserve, I wont have a relationship with her!

[Krazii]

LOL xD

 

Btw ye that sounds about right, im gonna try it wen i grow up lol

[ivanhoe]

I thought I'd post a copy of an email I sent to my friend and coach regarding my ex. I've been through hell and I'm not out of the woods by a long way. I have though created a profile on link removed and am getting so many winks and emails I don't know what to do with them all! Whether I would consider taking my ex back I don't know, it depends on if she actually contacted me (this is my 2nd week of NC) and how sincere I thought she was if she did. Whatever happens it will be MY decision.

 

Here's my email...

 

I'm feeling much better thank you. I took a week off from work after the weekend I sent you the "poor me" email...

 

I'd got pretty low the previous week and was pretty upset and I don't know if it was the Reiki session I had on Saturday or what but I spent most of the weekend in tears so I decided I needed some time for myself to sort my head out!

 

I've spoken to a very good counsellor, done a lot of reading and joined some excellent internet forums and I am feeling much better and stronger than before, actually than I have for a long time. I've done a lot of thinking about J* and accept that it is over between us, it is so sad for me (and J* & H* (her daughter) I assume) because I genuinely loved, admired and respected both of them and wanted us all to grow together. I realise that I can't ask someone to love me just because I love them and that I made a real fool of myself almost begging for her to reconsider, lesson learnt. I'm a little unhappy that J*'s last impression of me was that of a weak needy man, which I am certainly not but it is of little significance now. Taking the week off has really helped me and although I think about J* a lot I am now spending more time thinking about myself. I have a reasonable understanding of my failures and what I would do differently going forward. I realise that I don't "need" J* and that I want to be with her, but in essense J* has released me and I don't feel guilty any more about being strong, turning away and moving on now. The hard part was me emotionally leaving J* and being brave enough to use the strength I know I have, something I never wanted to do but at the end of the day I can't love or care for someone who isn't reciprocating, and actually doesn't want me in her life. That's just daft, makes me look foolish and wastes my time and resources. I'm a bit unhappy that no-one from J*'s side has sent any "all the best" or "hope you are ok" messages, either from her family or our so called "friends", my sister (without my knowledge) sent J* a lovely text even though she dumped me! I've certainly learnt just how shallow some people are, it puts things into perspective and makes the whole healing process easier.

 

I do so wish it would have worked out differently, I'm really annoyed and disappointed with myself for not doing everything I should have (and could have) done when I needed to some time ago and for the way I handled the break up, it's not so much realising what I had now it's gone - I always realised what I had, it's more realising what I should have done to maintain it. I feel for J* because I know she did love me once, and so much for H* who loved me also but I know that J* is ahead of me on the grieving and healing scale so I'm sure she's just fine. I didn't want to have to exercise the dormant part of me that can walk away from J* but I am doing, In fact I am not so much walking away from Jo but walking toward someone who I can have a long term, loving and respectful relationship with and on the way I am learning a huge amount more about myself because of this, this is not a sprint it's a marathon I'm in no rush to get involved with anyone else but neither will I shy away from it, I love to love and be loved and I want this in my life. I'll know better how to keep it this time.

 

Perversely I am glad of what has happened, I will be a better person for this and am learning more about my feelings each day, and learning more about other people too. I actually know what grief and shock feel like now and in the past week have been able to embrace these feelings, understand the connection between thoughts, feelings and physiology and use these to my adantage and be happy that I have had them. I'm nearly 40 and never felt this way before! - I guess that is one advantage of being the dumpee - I get to grow pretty quickly. The sad thing of course is that when J* realises herself what she had and has lost it will be too late for us.

 

I'm starting Tai Chi and if I can find a good school Yoga, i've also enrolled on a BSc(Hons) Psychology course that starts in October. Wish me luck!

 

All the best and thank you very much for being so supportive.

 

---------------------------------------

 

I'll keep you posted with my progress...

[Dako]

There's a phase after a breakup of extreme well-being. I liken it to when you get over a cold or flu and start feeling wonderful. It's very exciting to get past heartbreak.

 

No need to see the ex as sour grapes.

You once loved her.

[majord23]

Good post mate...criticism of "The Perfect Plan" aside

 

Afterall, the perfect plan was all about maintaining one's self-respect...and that, as you have quite rightly pointed out, is the most important thing to hold on to after a break-up.

 

Too many times, people are simply trying to make up for mistakes they have made *since* the break-up...so that their exes will view them as 'sane'...if that can be avoided, most of the battle is already won.