No Closure

[FeignedMischief]

Is there such a thing as perfect closure?

 

I suppose one of my stumbling blocks from moving on is that I didnt really get a proper closure from my ex who dumped me recently. He reckons (and he actually said this the last time we spoke which was the day he broke up with me) that our relationship ended because I cheated on him (which I didnt) and even if I wanted to have a civilized conversation to explain this to him and maybe even try to work things out, he is adamant that he doesnt want a relationship. I only tried once to contact him, this was 2 weeks after he dumped me but he still refuses to speak to me or save the relaitonship and what he'll end up doing is screaming at me on the phone (it was a LDR) and would not want to speak to me like an adult.

 

Some well-meaning friends said that what he did IS the closure. But that's probably his, not mine. Or my own closure has yet to come?

[JoeWho]

Sometimes you dint really ever get what you are looking for in terms of closure. For me there is really no such thing as closure other than accepting that the relationship is over and it is not coming back. That is something that will come with time though.

 

 

Hang in there, it will get better

[positive]

i used to have this big thing about "closure" ... one last goodbye, one last question, one last email, one last phonecall.. me and my ex have a house together and i am currently waiting for a call from the solicitors as he is buying me out (his choice to split so all very hard for me). for a while i thought, maybe once the house is sorted i will get closure but then i started thinking and reading... and closure is not about getting any information from your ex, or shutting the door completely. there is no such thing as good closure. the only and best way for you to get closure is to move on and be happy within yourself. not only is this the best closure, but it is the best revenge (should you crave such a thing) and the best possible result for you.

 

so i guess what i am saying is - dont think that they can give you closure, you give it to yourself little by little, day by day, as you start to rebuild your life and get your smile back.

 

this is something i am trying very hard to do and i wish you and everyone else on here the best of luck in our quests to get over our relationship break ups.

[shes2smart]

"Closure"....how I have come to dislike the word. So many times, people use it as an excuse to have another contact with an ex.

 

You'll never get your "closure" from someone else. What's likely to happen, though, is one party asking the same question in a lot of different ways and the other party giving the same answer a little less tactfully/politely/kindly worded every time. Doesn't sound like fun to me.

 

Even when we're talking about other traumatic events that have nothing to do with romantic relationships, those seeking "closure" from outside sources tend to be lookin' for a loooooooooong time. That's because "closure" is something that comes from within. It's something you give to yourself. It's a simple acknowledgement of "these things happened" and "they are over now" and "I am starting anew."

 

Most of the questions people want to ask when seeking "closure" have to do with why something happened. In life, we don't always get know "why." Sometimes, even when we find out "why," it makes no sense to us. But we do not need to know "why" to make peace with what's happened and to move forward.

[sallyusa]

After 5 years of an relationship with my ex, i never got my closure. And i still haven 't. And when i recently went and met up with him and try to see if i can get that closure i still didnt. I never got to get the answer's that i needed, i never got to ask questions on where the relationship went wrong, and so much more. So i think its best to give yourself closure and move on. And maybe when the times comes maybe you will get the closure you need but for now try to give yourself closure. Hope this helps.

[FeignedMischief]

Thanks for all your responses so far.

 

My other question is, if I can't get my ex to talk to me on the phone, should I even bother explaining myself to him in a letter (or an email) that I didnt cheat on him or should I just leave it as it is, meaning, whichever way he thought how our relationship ended that it was because it was my fault? I just really find it irritating that he really thought I cheated on him when in fact I didnt.

[just M.E.]

Closure is over rated, if you can find a closure, it comes from within you, when you can finally accept that it is in the past and cannot be changed, when you quit beating yourself up for "what I could have done different". Closure is really given to you by you, our exs never will.

Really in the end, doesn't "one final question" just lead to one more final question, and so on?

My marriage of 7 yrs (9 yrs together) ended without an single explaination, closest I got was "It was all you fault, it will always be your fault". Sometimes they can't leave and be nice, otherwise it would be too hard to leave or maybe they would have to acknowledge their own responsibility in the relationship, for some, that is way beyond them to do.

[ivanhoe]

Repeating the messages above that closure comes from within. For me it was when I decided that the fact that I had been dumped without any discussion by someone I thought loved me. To be treated like this and realising that I could not have a relationship with someone who didn't respect me or our relationship enough to discuss issues and thereforeeee avoid misperceptions was enough for me to sit up and think. That is when I got my closure, when I realised they didn't deserve me.

 

I'm not suggesting that I'm over the hill yet, I'm told that the dumper often comes back after refusing to talk, that will be my challenge, telling her that I have nothing to say and there is nothing I want or need to hear now anyway.

 

Good luck, it helps me to remember that I am a valuable person and anyone who is prepared to risk losing me doesn't deserve the opportunity to keep me or the benefit to feel better or less guilty when they want to offload their reasons on me in the future.

 

It gets easier and better.

[milesaway]

Closure...I gave up on that! I was also in a LDR. Although, we did see each other quite a bit considering it was a 5 hour plane ride. Then I hear that she loves me so much and I am the most iportant person in her life but she does not see this working. I told her I would move to her being that I am retired so we can see if we can make it work. She thought about for a week and I got the same response...nothing else! Day 9 of NC for me but the memories and pain are still fresh.

 

What I think happens in LDR is one or sometimes both parties fill that void...the physical contact void with someone else who is there for them. This was my first and last LDR!

[Clabs]

Hey FM

 

The others are spot on here - closure comes from within - closure = acceptance.

 

I know that you want to get your point accross about you not cheating, but whatever you say to him, he will likely not hear and you won't get the answers you were hoping to receive.

 

Some people find writing a letter to their exes but not actually sending it really theraputic. Get it all out there - then re-read it the next day - keep on reading it - then chuck it out.

 

Take care of yourself - it will get easier.

 

Mark

[FeignedMischief]

Thanks Mark. I guess once I get my closure I wouldnt have to bother about what he thinks of me anymore, I just hope it comes soon!

[Andy_2007]

For the heart broken wanting 'closure'...read:

 

the heroin junkie wanting one last fix...

 

'nuff said.

[Optigan]

the heroin junkie wanting one last fix...

 

Nicely put. I took it a little further. I likened my sending text messages to my former girlfriend - getting a notification that message was delivered - to a desperate junkie's sticking an empty syringe in his vein.

 

Yeah, this was graphic, sorry.

[just M.E.]

My therapist likened my "determination" i.e., obsession, with making my marraige work to an addiction. She is right, even though I'm having a hard time with that, very unpleasent for me to accept, bitter pill to swallow.

[FeignedMischief]

For the heart broken wanting 'closure'...read:

 

the heroin junkie wanting one last fix...

 

'nuff said.

 

A bit harsh, but I suppose it's true.

[fr0st]

The last time I really saw or spoke with my ex was her crying and kissing me goodbye in preparation to get on a airplane. Not to mention staying on the phone until she took off...