The Unfaithfull Narcissist...

[Shar]

Quick Synopsis of my life with the narcissist:

 

3 years ago he and I began a side relationship when he was living with another woman, separate rooms but still technically with her. I had never done anything like that before, am actually embarrased to say I was the other woman for 7 months. I didnt really see the narcissism then as much. Sometimes it came out but mostly he was very kind and loving with me. I fell head over heals for him and I thought him for me, he said it anyway. I began to have issues with him going home to her every night and attempted to end it several times only to be "manipulated" back into it with incessant I love you's and empty promises. There was also some futile beratement but not too often. Needless to say he kicked her out yet continued interacting with her regulary, and I knew exactly what was going on but he convinced me I was nuts. That it was all in my head. It ended very badly one night with him holding me physically captive in his apartment overnight after I found that he had moved her things (and I am sure her) back into it. I walked away from him entirely for a full year. No contact whatsoever. Hardest thing I have ever done but got better being away from him, began to heal. What I realize now is that the reason I didnt see the narcissism then is because his girlfriend was getting the brunt of the abuse.

 

Next thing I know he is contacting me the only way he could, on my Myspace trying to arrange a beer. It was around my birthday and I was single and a little depressed and didnt want to be alone. I agreed, we wound up having sex and I knew immediately the next morning that it had been a mistake. I walked away again, ignoring his emails and texts and calls. I started dating a great guy, little older, probably the healthiest relationship I have had. I was so happy. But the ex wouldnt give up, it seemed almost like the happier I was the more he attempted to get me back in his life. As time wore on and the ex's advances became more desperate I began thinking about him all of the time. Remembering the relationship when it was good. All the bad things just went out the window. I eventually broke up with the good guy and got back with the ex. Within weeks he was being an ass and I ended it for another 3 months. I was healed enough apparently that I wasnt going to allow the disrespectfull treatment of me. I spent Christmas and New Years single not giving into his advances again.

 

By mid-March I received from him the horrible news that a mutual friend of ours had passed away suddenly at 27. I was devistated completely. Him not so much as I was closer to Justin. Long story short I wound up leaning on him emotionally and fell back into the relationship. The first month was pretty good but by Mid-May I saw a chemical issue emerging with him. His behavior changed drastically and his moods. One day he was kind and loving and the next refusing to answer texts and calls. It was crazy. He prevented me from going to see a girlfriend in the Hamptons for Memorial Weekend, guilt tripping me due to the fact he couldnt go. So out of respect for him I didnt go. A week later he was starting a fight at happy hour for no reason and throwing a stripper in my face as "the next girl in line". He continued to torment me with her for the next 2 months, even going so far as to invite her out with us and then forcing me to hang out with her, his friend and him from 10pm to 7am the next morning after I asked him not to bring her home. He continually claimed during the numerous breakup fights we had after that, that he was having sexual relations with her. Of course he would take it back the next day. He also began incessantly berating me every chance he got during the times when I refused to speak to him. This beratement continued until I felt so bad about myself I couldnt even get out of bed. The depression was so intense at times I contemplated suicide. He contstantly had his cell on lockdown during all of this and had numerous women in it that I had never met. He had met all of my female and male friends, anyone in my phone pretty much. It was just crazy.

 

At the end of July I felt at times I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. Emotionally I cant even tell you what all that has done to me. I have become extremely insecure due to the beratement. I have lost all confidence in everything really from work, to motherhood, to esteem.... I feel myself just completely slipping away and I hate it. Yet every time I end it the emails start coming and the beratement starts and at the end of it I just give in and take him back.

 

Something occurred at the end of July, he was seen out with her by a good friend. Only I didnt find out for a few days. In the meantime he told me he had deleted her and all the other women from his phone and he stopped locking it down. I found out 2 days later about Dan running into them. I was crushed because he never told me, I had to find out from a friend. And even though Dan said he wasnt holding her or anything....his excuse for being with her isnt really all that plausible.

 

He did some major changing after that though. Like deleting all the women and taking it off of lockdown. He also became more caring and loving at times with me. But there was still this arrogance with him, the constant competing he does with me, the constant double standards, and the beratement when we fight. I began researching Narcissism and realize everything about him points to that. I now find myself wondering if I should take a chance due to his attempts to change, or if I should just end it. Problem is, I dont know how to do it. How to end it for good, he always finds a way to contact me. I own my home so I cant move, because when he cant contact me any other way he shows up here unannounced crying. I really felt like posting some of his e-mails so you could get a clear picture of the trauma involved in our relationship. Guess I need to vent and get input and figure out what to do.

[twizod]

I seriously don't think anybody needs to see the emails because he isn't the problem.

 

"I feel myself just completely slipping away and I hate it. Yet every time I end it the emails start coming and the beratement starts and at the end of it I just give in and take him back."

 

You are your biggest obstacle. You need to get therapy and figure out why you keep coming back to this vicious cycle that has never benefited you. I would theorize your mother or father or a parental figure growing up emotionally abused you. I don't see any other explanation. You need to see a therapist and work on yourself. He isn't the issue here you are the issue and he is the symptom.

[Shar]

I am in therapy again as of last week. Parents are wonderfull people no abuse there of any kind, however the pedofile neighbor sexually abused me from 3 to 9, I spent 5 years in therapy after we reported it and he went to prison. I do realize my issues are there as well, to allow that. But to hold him without any fault or issues in this thing and to say that all of the issues are with me alone is asinine. I wasnt asking for anyone to be blamed in this. I was asking whether or not due to his effort I should stay or walk. I guess I was looking for input from people that had maybe been in a similar situation and the significant other got better.

[jengh]

a man like this will never change. Not completely...after awhile, it may be years, or even months, he'll slowly go back to his old ways and you'll be left alone again dealing with an emotional meltdown...

 

do yourself a favor and walk away--forever.

 

Trust me, you're so much better off without him

[beeter64]

I dated a narcissist for 9 years. They do not change they will only get worse. Walk away and work on yourself. You deserve better. Take care and good luck.

[treefrogkate]

Welcome to eNotAlone. I hope you find the answers you need here. Stick around, it's a great community.

 

I don't think twizod was trying to blame you and make you feel bad, nor to say that your boyfriend is blameless. But every time you get out, you get right back in again.

 

You need to tell yourself that you can't change him, and your love can't save him. The only person you have control over and can change is yourself.

 

I know it's hard to walk away (I left my abusive ex-husband, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I gave him too many "second" chances, and one day I simply said "Enough."), but if you are going to be healthy and happy, you need to get out of this situation.

 

I'm glad to hear you are in therapy. I hope that your counselor is helpful (and if he/she is not, then try someone else). You need to get your self-esteem to a point where you don't need his (or anyone else's) affirmation to make yourself feel better. I am sure that you're a lovely person, and you need to believe that yourself.

 

For now, tell him that it is over, and that you do not want to see him again. Tell him that you will no longer answer any emails/calls/texts, and that you do not want him coming to your house. Can you block his texts/phone calls with your telephone company? Set up a filter in your email to immediately delete his emails, unread? You need to bust out a SERIOUS no contact (you'll probably see others recommending NC, that's what that means).

 

Don't allow *yourself* to contact him (he will do his darndest to contact you, and you need to ignore these attempts), and if he comes to your house, give him one warning that you will call the police, and if he doesn't leave or comes back again, go through with it. You need to set up some serious boundaries and GET OUT of the situation.

 

I wish you all the best. Good luck!