I Think I'm Depressed...

[-Ophelia-]

Hello everyone..

 

I really need your help. Well, the title of the thread says it all. I feel like crying right this very second because of how pathetic I feel I am. It's been over two months now and I only feel things are getting worse.

 

I feel empty. I feel like I'm not the fun energetic person I used to be. Right now I literally feel like I have nothing. My studies aren't rolling smoothly, my career life is actually experiencing a pause right now, I am freelancing from home to support myself financially. It was supposed to be temporary but now since I'm stuck with my thesis, I feel like I'm not close to achieving my goals. My friends are literally gone. Everyone is either moving for work or because of familial obligations. Everyone close to me is going far away (no exaggeration). And me and my fiancé are in an LDR which makes it just perfect. I don't feel we're as close as we used to; we still talk daily, but with his work we don't get enough time to connect. I don't know if it's right to bring up the subject of depression though, I don't want him to feel guilty about something he's not responsible for. I am not the best when it comes to expressing myself verbally.

 

I feel I need to be surrounded by the people I love when I'm at my worse, but at the same time I just need to bed left alone, because who am I kidding? I'm not fun to be around anymore.

 

What makes it even worse is the fact that I'm a very insecure person. I used to use my cheerfulness and sense of humor as a way to compensate for the lack of self-confidence I have. But now, I have nothing but depression and insecurity.

 

The two major reasons I'm depressed about:

1) My relationship with my SO. I am constantly trying to work on myself but at the end I realize that I'm being insecure as a way to protect myself from being hurt again. I am afraid that the only way I can function in intimate relationships is to be clingy and insecure. I so hate that about myself. I was so happy before I met my guy, and even happier when I met him; now that we're very committed to each other, I feel so messed up! (I feel that this goes back to the first and only relationship I had before my current one; I was 18 and it was your classical dump story).

 

2) The fact that I feel like a loser. Now I can get focused and work so hard to finish my thesis; but I don't have the will to go there. The fact that I feel I am not producing or giving to the world is making me feel so useless and dependable. I need to feel that I can give the way I used to. I need to have a social life. I need to get out of my apartment. I need to make a lot of changes. I forgot how this happened to me and I blame myself for letting myself get where I am.

 

Please help...

[prizmpyxis]

Hi Ophelia,

 

Have you ever spoken to a therapist before about your low self esteem? Or even just considered talking to one? It sounds like it might be useful to your situation, and might make you feel better about yourself. I have had many problems with self esteem, and I continue to. However, I am attempting to get myself help with a therapist.

 

As far as your other problems go, it sounds like you are very lonely, which is the main reason for your depression. Is there any way that you could meet people? Are there any activities you could join, bars/clubs you could attend, or anything else to meet people in your area? Long distance relationships are very difficult, but I think that you would feel a lot better if you had other friends and activities to distract yourself with. You just need to put yourself out there, and find a way to meet others.

 

I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time, and I hope that you soon feel better.

[-Ophelia-]

I thought about a therapist, but I still haven't found a professional one. I think that'll help.

 

I feel lonely for two reasons: 1) me and my SO aren't communicating as much as we used to 2) when I'm surrounded by loved ones I sometimes find it hard to connect because of the way I feel. Thus, I feel lonely.

 

Thanks a lot for your concern. I'm just so messed up, and because of my personality, people sometimes find it hard to believe I'm a gloomy one. My partner doesn't know that much about this because I chose to tone down the drama since I've been giving him tons for quite a while now.

[Dako]

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

 

Do you tend to avoid socializing to keep from spreading gloom?

I have a theory that isolation feels right when we're blue, but it's the worst thing to do.

 

One thing that helps me is just talking to someone, anyone.

I can get pretty low sometimes. Depression is often behind my smartass ways, because I'd rather laugh than cry.

 

LDRs are a tough road, but you must find some comfort there.

Are you sure he wouldn't want to chat about your problems?

[-Ophelia-]

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

 

Do you tend to avoid socializing to keep from spreading gloom?

I have a theory that isolation feels right when we're blue, but it's the worst thing to do.

 

One thing that helps me is just talking to someone, anyone.

I can get pretty low sometimes. Depression is often behind my smartass ways, because I'd rather laugh than cry.

 

LDRs are a tough road, but you must find some comfort there.

Are you sure he wouldn't want to chat about your problems?

 

Not to that extent; but I do feel down a way lot more than I used to. So, I only avoid socializing when I feel so down. For example, two days ago I was dragged by two of my friends to watch a movie. My eyes were tearful for almost 60% of the film, the sad thing is that it's not a sad movie.

 

I'll try to explain my condition more. Like for the past two months I've been visiting friends and we had two birthday parties. So, I went out to four social gatherings. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. But at the end, reality strikes and I'm back where I am. I am have the same problems and there is no change. Now you might think that it's good that I'm going out this much; but the thing is, I'm a very outgoing person and this is the minimum for me. I don't know how I got stuck in this rut. I feel so sad and dull at the same time. I feel like I don't have a life anymore.

 

I agree with your theory and I guess that is why I am having trouble choosing between being alone or joining the crowd.

 

I find a lot of comfort in our LDR. But I will be honest about it. I am the problem. We are perfect for each other, but I am a big problem (can't stop myself from crying). The whole thing about being insecure has always got us into arguments and it usually goes like this: he lives his life naturally, I find something he does and claim that it makes me feel unloved, I confront him with an attack, he gets upset and I realize that I am a #$%^ when it’s too late.

 

I'm not as bad a person as I portray myself to be. But I know I am a major problem in the relationship. I can't get over the past and I can't move on. I am experiencing past pain with this guy, but I don't want it to damage our relationship. I've been reading a lot about communication and it has helped me a great deal. I changed some of my ways and became conscious of my bad habits and I stopped them completely for three weeks now. I did notice the difference; he is being extra kind with me now that he feels safe. I am now more capable of communication. However, I'm hesitant because I'm just afraid of failing at communicating my needs.

 

I think what is depressing me most about the relationship is because I don't feel he misses what we had as much as I do. He expresses his love on a daily basis.. but I don't feel he misses how much time we used to spend together just because he doesn't say it. But then again, maybe it’s because he’s a busy person and I’m not. I don’t know.

 

Sorry for making it long and for focusing on minor problems in the post.

 

Thanks for your reply..

[-Ophelia-]

You guys don't know how screwed up I am. I am starting to believe that I will never change. I can't get over the past and I'm literally falling apart.

 

Imagine having to relive your pain over and over again, it sucks. But I do believe that we humans do it to ourselves. My problem is, I just can't seem to undo it.

 

I can't stop crying. I tried sleeping but I couldn't

[bubblyblonde11]

Yeah it does feel that way when your in a difficult relationship, hard to see whats what and you feel like your drowning.

 

The stress and strain of trying to keep a relationship together just becomes too much to handle and you end up getting depressed.

 

I was seeing a relationship therapist but to be honest with you hun, I only felt better once that stress & strain was taken out of the equasion, i.e. we split up.

 

Perhaps you need a break from each other so you can find yourself again, you can rest your mind.

 

I donno I feel for you I really do because I was the same as you but no I have been set free for about 7wks or so and god do I feel so much better, happier and more like my old self again.

 

All the therapy, medication, self help books will take a fair while whilst your with him but about 1-3wks if your not, to get back to your normal self again IMO.

 

Good luck Ophelia

 

xxxx

[-Ophelia-]

There is nothing wrong with the relationship. It's just me

 

I don't know why I haven't been able to express myself well. I'll try my best now.

 

The relationship is great, the guy is great, I'm screwed up, and unable to function properly in the relationship.

 

Things have been going well for the last 3 weeks. He has no idea what I'm going through because I've decided to keep it to myself until I figure it out. Now I don't know what to do... He is not supposed to be my shrink, but he's my best friend.

 

I'm really losing hope here.

[bubblyblonde11]

There is nothing wrong with the relationship. It's just me

 

I don't know why I haven't been able to express myself well. I'll try my best now.

 

The relationship is great, the guy is great, I'm screwed up, and unable to function properly in the relationship.

 

Things have been going well for the last 3 weeks. He has no idea what I'm going through because I've decided to keep it to myself until I figure it out. Now I don't know what to do... He is not supposed to be my shrink, but he's my best friend.

 

I'm really losing hope here.

 

So sweetheart what is it thats troubling you?

 

If he is a great guy and the relationship is going fine, why are you stressed and depressed?

 

((((hugs)))))

[-Ophelia-]

I'll post what I wrote in the OP:

 

My relationship with my SO. I am constantly trying to work on myself but at the end I realize that I'm being insecure as a way to protect myself from being hurt again. I am afraid that the only way I can function in intimate relationships is to be clingy and insecure. I so hate that about myself. I was so happy before I met my guy, and even happier when I met him; now that we're very committed to each other, I feel so messed up! (I feel that this goes back to the first and only relationship I had before my current one; I was 18 and it was your classical dump story).

 

What is troubling me is this constant feeling of rejection, abandonment and insecuirty I picked up from my first relationship eight years ago. It's been a long time I know, but I never got over that. It was so out of the blue. Now I feel I'm cursed; I blessed with a very nice guy but I'm doomed to be unhappy. I hate my ex.

 

I'm damaged goods..

 

Thanks a lot for the hugs...

[bubblyblonde11]

Ok so you know what is wrong, now you need to work on your self esteem so that you won't be insecure or as insecure. You could go to group session, self help book or CD, hypnosis - to raise your self worth.

[-Ophelia-]

I've been doing the self help books and cds and I've started taking some hobbies. If the depression just goes away, I might be able to do something about it.

 

Or maybe I'm depressing myself with my negative thoughts. Thanks for the suggestions; I'm sure they'll be useful.

[bubblyblonde11]

Thats brilliant hun, especially the hobbies - is exercise one of them, I found this helped me alot to clear my head, relax and destress.

 

Have you thought about medication, perhaps even natural things like Omega 3,6,9 oils, Gingo Biobla & Ginseng, B vitamin complex, Selenium.

 

Also perhaps do a search on Google for foods and vitamins that help depression, something I also did and got alot of interesting tips.

[-Ophelia-]

Exercise is supposed to be one of them, so I'll start soon.

 

The problem is I don't want to take any kind of medication because I really want to fix "me." Medication is good and I might depend on it at one point or another. But now I still believe that it's something inside of me that I have to fix.

 

You think talking about it with my SO will help in making him understand me more? I just don't want to freak him out and I never was very comfortable with sharing these stories. He has an idea but he doesn't know the extent and depth of my pain. He also knows I've been insecure for a long time.

[bubblyblonde11]

Exercise is supposed to be one of them, so I'll start soon.

 

The problem is I don't want to take any kind of medication because I really want to fix "me." Medication is good and I might depend on it at one point or another. But now I still believe that it's something inside of me that I have to fix.

 

You think talking about it with my SO will help in making him understand me more? I just don't want to freak him out and I never was very comfortable with sharing these stories. He has an idea but he doesn't know the extent and depth of my pain. He also knows I've been insecure for a long time.

 

Ok I need to ask, it definitely is not him that is making you feel this way? I ask only because of my previous experience with my ex, I thought it was all me and that I was nuts but turns out I was fine it was just how he was towards my feelings and emotions and dismissing them like I was nuts, and the emotional rollercoaster he put me on.

 

If he is a great guy like you say, and understands & is understanding to a females emotions then yes I would sit down and talk to him about it.

 

Explain to him you are only telling him because you want to get better and do everything you can to get yourself feeling better.

[-Ophelia-]

My ex was like your ex so I know exactly what you're talking about. Don't you just hate that kinda guy?!

 

It's not it with my current partner. He's so nice I don't even think I deserve it. And I have for many times cried over his shoulder and he's been nothing but supportive. The only times he doesn't respond right away is when I start addressing a problem we have by attacking him. But when I tell him I just need to talk and that I feel so down, he's always been with me 100%.

 

In fact, I called him yesterday and told him I was out of sorts, I was actually crying. He kept comforting me the whole call.

 

I am seriously thinking I must talk to him about it because with the LDR and the distance I just feel more and more insecure. However, I'm afraid I might come off as being too needy or such a mess.

[-Ophelia-]

We just had a long talk and it did freak him out a bit. He supported me as usual but I'm afraid that he'll be up to that to a point. I love him a lot, but I'm not sure if I can love him the healthy way. That is, conflict usually arises between us and it's all because of me.

 

Is this normal or is my insecuirty getting the best of me?

 

I don't know if it's ok to ask him for reassurance. I'm a complete nutcase here and it seems like nothing can fill me up.