How right is it for the dumped GF to try to get the BF back?

[love4life]

Hey all,

I'm a girl, (in case you couldn't tell from my subject line), and I'm wondering what everyone's opinion is of the dumped girlfriend (me) trying to start things up with the ex again.

 

A little background: he broke up with me out of the blue in early July. Over the course of about 3 days (say, 8 hours of talking), we ran the gamut of emotions. Bottom line though: He told me this was the best relationship he ever had (same for me) and that there was more substance to it than any other he had (we have a great friendship) and that I'm his best friend and he doesn't want to lose my friendship. I told him I couldn't be his friend and in response he basically agreed that he didn't think he could be just friends, either, because he's still attracted to me. In conclusion, he told me he's just not ready for a commitment and that he thinks he needs to date other women (link removed profile went right back up...as did mine...)

 

Anyhow, after two weeks of crying and self-pity I finally snapped out of it and initiated no contact based on what I'd read here. About 2 weeks into NC I bought Brian Caniglia's book which I've read other posters' opinions of on here. Basic common sense stuff, though I have to admit his recommended readings were the biggest help of all in learning to forgive and how to make relationships healthier.

 

Based on all these readings, I've come to the conclusion that the "Not being ready" is secondary to problems that he felt existed in the relationship but couldn't verbalize. Looking back I see where I made mistakes and how I'd be better in a future relationship or in a second chance with him. I've also come to appreciate him more and find him more "real" than I did when we were together. We never fought, everything was fine, but for the last month or so I definitely sensed that something wasn't right (in both me and him).

 

So after 3 weeks of NC, he found a reason to come by and see me (with his friend, mind you) to "catch up". I was cordial, not overly-friendly, because he took me by surprise and I wasn't really ready to see him. But, about 10 days later, after completing 30 days of NC (intiated by me, that is), I was feeling back on top and I called him and we chatted for about 10 minutes. I made sure to be upbeat and asked him to meet me for coffee a few days later. He said yes and we met up on Saturday. It was definitely a VERY GOOD meeting. We were laughing the whole time and a couple times he touched my hand and shoulder. At one point he asked why I called and I simply said that I wanted to see how he was doing. I told him I should get going after an hour or so and for a split second I saw a look of surprise/shock in his eyes. As we walked out he pulled me sideways to him in a half hug and told me he was glad to see me. And we left it at that. No mention as to whether to get together again.

 

Anyhow, I guess my insecurities are starting to kick in because I'm wondering if he'll initiate the next contact. If not, I'm planning to call in a week to set up another "non-date"

 

I guess my question in all this is, is it worth pursuing this or should I leave the ball in his court? That's one area that Brian Caniglia doesn't address - how much of the "asking" should one person do after the first date. And being a rather traditional female I don't know if I can take much more than initiating 3 or 4 calls.

 

Thoughts?! Comments?! Am I being insecure too soon? I go back and forth between feeling great about it too wondering if I'm wasting my time....

[Zackinlaw]

Welcome to ENA, sorry for your problems.

 

That's a tough one ... he has indicated that he is not ready to commit, and he is testing the waters so to speak. Your question ... "who should initiate the pursuit" ... seems to pale in light of his commitment problems right now. No matter who initiates, there is a huge risk that his wanderlust will cause you a lot of pain.

 

Obviously, he's still "into" you ... but without commitment from him, you leave your happiness in the hands of strangers (the other girls he's likely to meet).

 

Like I said ... too close to call, so I am just giving you things to think about.

 

Good luck

 

Zack

[Adoes]

totally, if he sees that you still have interest in him he will see that you still care for him. but like a fish don't get too pushy maybe even wait a week and 2 days just so it seems random. just play it like your old high school buddies, just small talk. then when you think the time is right invite him to a movie. Invite more people so it seems more casual. Just be cautious of if hes still looking for other woman so that you don't get "played".

 

Keep in mind we are only people on the internet, you have to tell yourself make to take the step not us.

 

hope it works out for you

[love4life]

Thanks to both of you! I guess the funny thing about the fear of commitment is that he told me that on our first date - that he was "a bit of a commitmentphobe". So basically, I played it cool and he pursued me fully. I never initiated a phone call to get together until about 6 weeks/2 months into dating. He even asked me outright to be his girlfriend around 6 weeks, introduced me to his family after 2 months, and then suggested we go on vacation together. We did and had a blast! No fighting - we had a great time the entire 4 days and at the end of it we came home and he started showing me pictures from college and high school.

 

So, basically, his actions said "you're it for me!" while occasionally he would re-address the commitmentphobia and disinterest in marriage. I basically never responded when he brought them up and shrugged them off in an indication that I don't need that right now, although I occasionally asked where he thought that fear came from. So when he broke up with me saying he wasn't ready for a commitment but "sensed" that I was, I was TOTALLY thrown for a loop!

 

Anyhow...based on the history of the relationship, I don't think it's a fear of commitment but rather something he felt he wasn't getting from me (emotional support, I think, based on other things that were said during the break-up.) My gut tells me that the fear of commitment is not the issue deep down, but a cop-out reason, you know?

[HajiMaji]

That makes sense. Unfortunately, theres no way to know if youre right.

 

What I hear from you are things I hear a lot from people trying to get back together. You just dont know where its going, and its very uncomfortable. I feel these similar things.

 

In my opinion, these are the emotions we have to deal with. How many times should you initiate? Should you continue to talk to him? Should you progress further? All these questions cannot be accurately answered right now. Its almost like you are going to continually have these thoughts in your mind until something settles. This is a challenge for any of us who go this route.

 

I have come up with a strategy I try to live by, and its difficult: Play the hand you are dealt. Currently, you have a situation in which you have initiated contact, and he appears to have enjoyed himself. Nice hand! I feel that was well played.

 

If he contacts you and initiates another hang out time, then great, thats like getting 2 pairs off the bat.

 

If he doesnt contact you for a while, yeah, you should probably initiate again and play that hand out. Soon if you are going to get back together you he is going to have to initiate some stuff; however, there are a lot of hands to play before you can get him to give you all his chips!

 

So in the meantime, please try to not look too far ahead and predict what hands you will get. Look at the current situation as best you can and try to let it play out.

 

Its just hard to take the trip knowing you could be going someplace great or someplace not so great.

 

Good luck.

[love4life]

Funny, today I'm not feeling so keen on contacting him again or at least not as soon as I was planning. And it's not because I don't think I could handle it (I'm beyond the tears and anger, since it's been 7 weeks since the break-up) but I just wonder if I should delay it a little longer (or completely) and leave the ball in his court. I'm torn because part of me feels that he felt I wasn't giving him something and that it's up to me to make the effort to repair the damage and part of me believes that he didn't base it on any faults of mine and that he truly just doesn't want a relationship. So who's the one who needs to make the first move?

 

He gave me lots of mixed messages during the break-up. On the first day of the break-up when emotions were running very high on both parts (tears from both of us, yelling from both of us) even though he said this was the best relationship he'd had, he told me I wasn't the one and never would be but that he still wanted to be friends and was afraid he'd never see me again because I'm his best friend and he's shared things with me he's never shared with anyone.

 

Then the next day he told me that maybe it was better if we weren't friends because if we did come back together one day it would be as a couple, since once you become friends you can't really go back to a romantic thing (based on his experience with an ex, anyway). And he would go from paying me compliments to saying he sensed "instability" in me (based on what, I don't know, because I've always been a Type B person and the only time I showed any extreme emotion was when I learned my sister's husband had cheated on her - and wouldn't anyone get upset about that?!) and that seeing traits of my mom in me scared him. I found it pretty unfair for him to write me off based on hereditary traits. Please! Still, I felt like he was just pulling stuff out of his a** to justify his decision. Because, honestly, he was pretty torn up about it, too, with the crying and with coming right over the couple times I asked him to to talk about things. I'm a firm believe that actions speak louder than words, and his actions have always shown he has more than just lukewarm or "friend" feelings, as they did on Saturday.

 

So...mixed emotions as to what to do. Sucks, doesn't it?!

[galnara]

When I read your post it was like you were describing what happened to me to the T, everything. Add like 7 trips, but everything is the same. I was dumped 5 months ago just like you, put of the blue, lots of emotions, told me I was all he wanted etc.

 

My advice to you, is...NC....believe me I have not done it strictly and am paying consequences. After two months he came back, and it all ended in a FWB situaton that sent me back to square one after four months of breaking up.

 

Please understand thet if he has commitment issues, they are HIS issues, nothing you do, will change that....trust me...I tried to do everyting and only got hurt...even more. Right now after a fight that had to do with the FWB situation, I have been in NC with him for about a month....im feeling stronger and I know thigns will get better...i know he is not a bad guy, but that doesnt mean I have to stay around until he figures his stuff up.

 

Please dont settle for anything less than what you deserve, you deserve a guy that loves you as much as you love him, a guy who in two seconds would marry you without doubting if there was something better out there, because he would know he wouldnt find anyone else like you...

[love4life]

Yep - I think I've finally seen the light! I haven't called him since that last get-together and I don't plan on it. I have finally realized that my only mistake was to not end it after the first date when he told me he was a commitmentphobe! I guess I've learned from this that you can't change a person and that by putting out there in the beginning what your intentions are is the best thing. Respect for yourself, right? I'm continuing with NC. Only problem is I think my digital camera is in his car and I would REALLY like it back!

 

Just one question, galnara, what is FWB?

[Clabs]

Hey love4life

 

FWB = friends with benefits ie sleeping together.

 

I think you are doing the right thing here. His issues are his issues - you have done nothing wrong.

 

Respect for yourself, right? Hell yes, respect for yourself!

 

Forget about your digital camera - they are dead cheap these days. Unless it was a really good and expensive one, in which case, get it back and then go back to NC.

 

It won't be easy - but you can do it. Come back on here as your support system and keep yourself really busy.

 

Mark

[TijuanaJones]

Hi there! FWB means Friends With Benefits...

 

My opinion about your case: He has all the issues in your relationship, so let him work to get you back... if he wants to.

 

About your camera: you don't know for shure if it is in his car... if he sees it he will return it... or if you bump into him, then ask him for it. Let destiny take its course...

 

My ex is knocking at my door again after 3 months of NC... maybe it's time to ask her about my DVDs.. haha

[love4life]

Thanks for clarifying the acronym! I'll hold off on the camera thing for now....

 

Tijuana - did you break up with your ex or she with you?

[TijuanaJones]

Thanks for clarifying the acronym! I'll hold off on the camera thing for now....

 

Tijuana - did you break up with your ex or she with you?

 

She broke up with me after Xmas... and just before a skying trip that was all paid for.... ouch!

[love4life]

First of all - I found my camera. It was in my apartment. Whew!

 

Secondly, I finally am seeing clearly now. For 2 months I've been questioning my self-worth and whether or not I was a good enough girlfriend. Well, on Monday I called the ex and asked him to go out on Friday (still implementing the Brian Caniglia plan). He was receptive but said he was in the middle of making plans with "someone" but he'd let me know on Wednesday. Well, he didn't call Wednesday and by then it hit me. Here's a man who I've been chasing after because I thought I'd done something wrong that I could fix, putting my heart out there on the line after being beaten down in a break-up where he told me I wasn't "the one" and never would be, and he couldn't even return my call when he said he would. It became clear that I was not a priority and when I was he resented me for it, as I now see when I look back clearly at certain events.

 

So, he called this morning and I was a bit cold when I answered the phone. He apologized and said it had "slipped his mind" to call me back but that he was up for going out. I told him I made other plans since he didn't call back. And then I told him that I had been hoping we could reconcile and start over, slowly and he said he was on a different page, thinking we could do the friends thing. I said no and told him that I deserve better than that, that I have friends and that friends don't "slip your mind". I told him to go buy his kegorator, play beer pong, date other women and relive his college days (and he's 27 now!), which seems to be what he wants, but that I wouldn't be around. Then I swore at him (FU!) and hung up.

 

Then I felt guilty so I called him back, calmly apologized for swearing at him and told him that I've realized that I was nothing but a great girlfriend to him and he agreed. I then said that I want to support him but if he can't give me the same support I can't settle for being friends. And I told him that deep down I know he agrees to which he replied "yes". I told him I deleted him from my myspace last night, because I don't need to know what's going on with him and he doesn't need to know about me. Looking at this it sounds kind of cold, but I actually spoke (in the second call) in a calm, though somewhat shaky, voice. I wished him good luck with everything and he did the same to me. I think there were some other tangents I went off on, which I tend to do when nervous, but that's the gist of it.

 

Hearing him agree when I said that I was nothing but good to him I think was what I needed to hear in order to move on and finally realize that this break-up was due to his own issues and not due to anything I did.

 

Of course, I hope one day he'll come back and say he's grown-up and ready for a commitment but I'm not holding my breath and by settling for anything less I'd be disrespecting and hurting myself. I've learned a huge lesson from all this so I've only come out better for it. I finally have my self-worth (and self-love) back.

 

Anyway, from this point forward....NC it is!

[FreedomRing]

L4L! Girl you really sound like you have it together.....my ex and I had some of the same sorts of convos after the break up..and now with it being 4 months out...I still have my good days and bad ones(today is one of them )but it's post like yours that help bring me back to reality, and stop feeling down about myself. My ex is 27 too...and I think he just didn't have the guts to tell me he wanted out of the "homey" life and wanted to be a single man again....after 2.5 freaking years mind you!

 

Yours may wake up and realize what he let go..and maybe mine will too...but right now...who gives a shhh, if they will/won't?!

 

And you're in my area, so you're automatically cool with me...let's spread more of the DC/MD/VA love here on ENA

[Clabs]

hey love4life!

 

"but I'm not holding my breath and by settling for anything less I'd be disrespecting and hurting myself. I've learned a huge lesson from all this so I've only come out better for it. I finally have my self-worth (and self-love) back."

 

Good for you for seeing this and grabbing on to it good and firm. It is so easy to lose the super you in a relationship. Onwards and upwards my dear.

 

It won't all be a peace of cake - there will be tough times - but you know where to come if you feel down!

 

So pleased you sound so much more upbeat about this.

 

Mark

ps - glad you found your camera!

[TMinCali]

I was really hoping I could be one of the glimmers of hope on this site. The voice of encouragement, but I'm feeling pretty down today.

 

When will this go away??? This has never ever happened to me before. Sure, I've been upset over breakups before, but eventually, I got over it.

 

I'm dating someone new. He's great, but I can't get close to him because I just want Jxxx. And it's not that I'm not ready to date. It's that I honestly cannot see myself with anyone else.

 

Earlier this week, I drove passed Jxxx. He texted me saying "I think I just saw you!" It was the first time he and I had seen each other since we broke up 5 months ago. Although seeing him was brief, it got my heart racing. I texted him back and said, "oh, was that you?" He then texted me again two hours later and mentioned an email I sent him a while back and how it brought back memories for him. I didn't text him back.

 

Well, today, I drove by him again!!! I live off of the same street he works on, and even though this was later in the day when I never expected to drive by him... I did.. ugh. It's almost like when you DON'T want to see someone, you always end up doing so!! I went several months praying I'd bump into him, and now when I don't want to see him, I do.

 

So now, I'm thinking about him all day. He didn't even look that cute when I saw him..lol.. I know, I'm bad. But I seriously love this man. More than any other person I have ever loved. You always hear about people talking about the loves of their lives and how they never really get over them. I think Jxxx will be that person for me. It seems like things were left so unfinished. We were still in love when we parted ways. There was no cheating, no abuse, no name calling. Just a mutual split that left us both empty shells of who we used to be. I think we both feel like we were dumped. He recently told a friend of mine that he was caught off guard when I originally asked for "the break" (NOT breakup!!!) and that he didn't see it coming.

 

We both still care deeply for one another, but never talk. It's like we're both trying to pretend that what we had never happened. It's too painful to think about it. It just flowed and suddenly went sour. This is what he told my friend

(sigh)

 

Today is a major setback for me. I want to stop loving him. It's been so long since the break up. I feel like I love him more today than I ever did. I just want my baby back.

[lizer]

tmincali,

im with you girl! i feel the same exact way.

i havent seen my ex in 4 months and we dont talk anymore either.

and i can say with 100% certainty that i will never stop loving him

and feeling for him in that way. i feel like you and i had something special with our ex's. at least enough that we feel like they were... "it"..in terms of serious true true love. you've got to remember that life is always changing. i remind myself how positive the breakup between he and i was and how much change inside of me has happened. so that when we do get back together. im being *bold* by saying "when"..but *when* it happens, we will be so much stronger as a couple. and if it happens for you and your man, think of the GROWTH you were forced to go through. and think how positive it was to happen BEFORE marriage. i'll bet a lot of bad habits and communcation issues will be handled better if you were both to get back together... because this time apart has really made you think and focus on what is important. and what it is to really love someone. and treat them as the best thing in your life. it was a wake up call. a necessary one. and if you get back together, it will be that much more bittersweet.

 

spend your single time being the best person you can be. learning to be the best partner you can be.

dont be dating this other dude with the feelings you have for your ex. its not good for either of you.

you're just trying to fill the loss with someone who doesnt make the cut. you need to be okay being single!

[TMinCali]

oh my god. I am so sorry I posted that in this thread. I was trying to create a new one. I was wondering what happened to it! SOOOOO SORRY. How do I move it to it's own thread?? Or how do I delete it?

[Rebecca75]

This guys name would not happen to be John would it?? This TOTALLY sounds JUST LIKE a guy I have been dating!!!! Wow!!! I'm in the DC area also!

[love4life]

Rebecca - don't know if you meant me or TMinCali, but his name isn't John.

 

So last night after work I got so enraged and I thought to myself, I have to fight for him! So I drove to his house (sounds stalkerish, I know) and while he wasn't there his roommate was and we hung out and chatted until the ex arrived. We went up to his room to talk and I started my "fight" to show him my love for him and told him that I love him, that I believe in him, know his potential, know his insecurities and that I'm the best godd*m woman he'll ever find. As I said this I saw his eyes soften and get a little moist because I was being genuine and speaking from the heart, so I knew it was getting through to him; but as I continued, I stopped sounding reasonable and to the point, and got flustered; and as I did, everything came out wrong (more accusatory and about him than about me) and he hardened, put up a wall, was able to take control of the situation, and told me he didn't need me when I told him he did (as I know him and see his insecurities). Then he said that he's already "let someone else in". I blew it off like I didn't care, and said I already knew because I saw her on his myspace. He said he thought that's what brought all this on and I said it wasn't that but the fact that he didn't have the respect and courtesy to call me back when he said he would. I then said, "I'm sure she's lovely, but she isn't ME!" I know she's just filling the void I left and that because his reasons for leaving me weren't that I did anything wrong but because he was scared of an intimate relationship, that it won't amount to anything. But he told me he's let go of me and thinks I've already let go of him (though he still said he could be my friend which I again rejected). Anyway, I finally stood up and slowly walked out without giving him a second look. I'm feeling very weird about it now. Part of me wants to call and smooth it over, and part of me thinks that I was within my right to do this and that I should just leave it at that.

 

Suggestions?!?

[love4life]

Oh, and I also noticed when I used the bathroom in the house that the toothbrush he'd bought for me was still in the cabinet. Maybe he hasn't really let go? Or has he just been lazy in keeping his bathroom clean?!

[FreedomRing]

L4L,

 

Sometimes less is more! I think you've said enough in that last encounter...I would go in strict NC right now..and let your words resonate....whether he really has someone or not, or has really "let someone else in"..doesn't make a difference, because you sound like you know him pretty well and his mental state at the moment..so much that he didn't refute you in the beginning and showed physical signs that you were hitting close to home with your observations about him...so...just disappear for a little while...and let the dust settle for a bit.

[love4life]

Yep. Did some research today after reading a thread on here about narcissists, and I realize that's what he is. Maybe he'll grow out of it and come to his senses at some point, but honestly, as of right now, I have no reason to want to talk to him. I think I had to make that last ditch attempt to show him I wasn't some dishrag that would stroke his head all the time and tell him how wonderful he is and that a relationship requires even give and take. He's a master at victimizing himself, which is why I felt like sh*t for 2 months, thinking I'd been in the wrong.

 

Anyway, I'm off to a happy hour with friends to celebrate putting the a**hole in his place!

[love4life]

AYAYAY! I'm desperately wanting to smooth things over now, but I know it's pointless. I feel like I've blown any possible attempts at reconciliation! Somebody please tell me that what I did was NOT completely out-of-control and that he doesn't think I'm a lunatic!!

 

I'm just hoping that this other girl is simply a rebound. I saw her myspace profile and she looks like a really friendly person, though not particularly attractive, and doesn't appear to have much personality. I keep telling myself that the reason he's picked her is because she appears to be a very positive, upbeat person who will stroke his ego (something I think he may need after ending the relationship, in as confused a state as he was when he did it - telling me it was the best relationship ever but that I wasn't the one and never would be.....????), and that he rushed to add her to his myspace because he knows I'm a myspace addict and would see her on there and get upset. I seriously feel like he was very smug with my display of emotions on Thursday. Should I take that as a good thing?! Like, "ooh, she's still hooked, let me work this to my advantage..."???

 

When he told me he'd let me go and let someone else in he did NOT look me in the eye. Sign that it's not true, perhaps?! ARGH! Driving myself crazy here!

[love4life]

Okay...I'm feeling better the last few days. Still sometimes wonder if I should smooth it over, but at the same time, as Sabreen said, I should let the dust settle. Given that I gave about the biggest push possible (and he pulled away equally) I would venture to say that a good 3 or 4 months would need to pass before I'd try calling him. And by then, I don't think I'd want to know or care what's going on with him.

 

I'm starting to feel balanced again and have slept better the last 3 nights than I had in 2 months. Honestly, as huge a push as it was, I think it's what I needed to release all the anxiety I was feeling. I'm not a wishy washy person and I don't do well in limbo so I think it's what I needed. I'm also an emotional person (hey, I'm half Serb, half Brit!).

 

I understand now that he and I aren't meant to be and looking back I definitely need someone who is more honest, direct and emotionally available. Men like my ex who manipulate and play games are toxic for someone like me, so...onward and upward to keep healing and, one day, find the right man for me!