Should I give him space? Go NC?

[Haleylyn]

So last night my ex and I went out for a bike ride (my idea).

 

Let me back up. Basic details- he broke off our engagement (2 1/2+ years together) 3 weeks ago because 1. his mom didn't approve of me because I'm not Catholic and has been saying nasty things ever since we got engaged, 2. I am career focused and after finishing my MBA (December) I might find a job outside of the state and away from his mommy (he's 36) and 3. His friend is having problems with his wife- and logically I would be just as crazy as his friends wife, even though I have never acted crazy but do take anti-depressant medication.

 

Last Thursday he came and picked up all of his things and ended up telling me that "He made the biggest mistake", and he wasn't going to ask me to get back together, etc. Yes, I paid to download Brian Caniglia's e-book on how to get your ex back and another book "When he's married to Mom..." Anyhow, I probably got back in touch with him too quickly.

 

So we went out riding last night and had a GREAT time (we always had fun together). During a break he told me that he spent time this weekend looking at photos of us and realizing how much I meant to him. He confessed that I had never demonstrated unstable qualities around him and that he had a lot to think about. I probably shouldn't have - but I mentioned that he should look into ways of setting boundaries with other people in his life (ie. Mom but I didn't say that) and that a 3rd party (therapist) might be a good person to talk to - the unbiased opinion and all... I also said that I would be willing to go to a therapist with him. He gave me a big hug and said again that he needed to figure things out.

 

We then finished the ride- 18 miles- I'm proud of myself! and got a bite to eat. I kept everything positive and upbeat. In the parking lot when we were packing up we hugged and then he tried to kiss me (I pulled away) but then he reitterated that he needed to think things out and that the reason he didn't ask for the engagement ring back was that he wasn't sure and we 'might' have a chance.

 

Am I just a safety net at the moment, he's keeping me there until he has gotten over me? Is he going to ever make up his "mind" or is the "I need to think things out" just a stall tactic? Do I go NC (I mean- full NC without responding to his desperate calls/e-mails/texts)? I'm not sure I can go NC- I really love this guy and was planning on marrying him!

 

The fact that he is too 'macho' or whatever to go and see a therapist and is planning on working through his feelings on his own really doesn't inspire much confidence in me. I mean- this guy let his mom talk him out of getting married (and he still says he loves me).

 

How long do I give him to think about things? I really want things to work out but at the present moment, I'm not sure he will ever reach the clarity that he needs. I've been thinking about going out on a date- just to meet new people and because I am so unsure of us (feel like I need to try and move on with my life because things aren't going to work out). But at the same time, I feel like I am betraying him by going out with someone else.

 

Guys- what do you really mean when you say you need more time? Is it a cop-out? Should I give him time?

[The Lonely_guy]

Hi there Hayley,

I am 27 yrs old.. and after reading your story i just wanna say i can share with u your feeling, as i m in a similar situation to u, either to wait around and be their safety nest or to move on and be firm about your value, to tell you the truth i still havent found an answer for myself, but ultimately you would need to look at your own situation as objectively as you can and ask yourself what are the odds? till then i hope you will find your answer soon...

Cheerz

The Lonely_guy

[Zackinlaw]

This is weird ... two posts in a row referencing Brian Caniglia ... I suppose I should read it. I personally trust the posters here who have real experiences much more than some so called expert, but since I haven't read his stuff, I can't say for sure.

 

My opinion is that so-called "breaks" are really chicken-s**t breakups. If he is that controlled by the opinions from his family, and they don't like you, that you are swimming upstream!

 

Total NC is a way for YOU to get over the hurt of a relationship that will never work. It's also a way of keeping your dignity and never being a fall back when he is feeling lonely, or is not successful at finding someone else to be with. But breaking an engagement is a significant event.

 

How long should you live in limbo??? I certainly wouldn't give him more than a month ... and he's already has 3 weeks!

 

Good luck

 

Zack.

[Haleylyn]

Not sure that Brian's book is worth it... The gist is to go NC for a full month, exercise like crazy, go on three dates, and then contact after the month to have fun flirty dates. But of course you need to correct the issues in the relationship.

 

I need to know what to do with the momma's boy who realizes that he made a big mistake (supposedly) but isn't willing to do anything to try and change things/ get back together/ set boundaries with mommy.

 

Tonight I am feeling like the complete fool and he is just toying with me until he gets over the breakup. Tomorrow I'll feel differently! This emotional rollercoaster is crap!

[Zackinlaw]

Not sure that Brian's book is worth it... The gist is to go NC for a full month, exercise like crazy, go on three dates, and then contact after the month to have fun flirty dates. But of course you need to correct the issues in the relationship.

 

Hahahaha ... what total crap ... I'll save my money! Especially the 3 dates nonsense! What are you supposed to do? sl*t your way out of your pain???

 

There are some here that will suggest NC as a way to make your ex see the error of his ways and miss you, but unless indifference is the problem, I don't see how that works, unless you want to make that a lifestyle ... carelessness followed by a wakeup call!! What a s**tty way to run a relationship!!! Uggghh.

 

My advice stands .. 4 weeks is ample time for soul-searching. He either wants you despite his family's opinion or he doesn't.

 

Zack.