rhetorical venting

[teren537]

Since Dusty, I've gone on to date other people and have even liked one since then, but his face is burned in the back of my mind like some sort of cattle-brand... I cannot stop thinking about him. It literally makes my heart hurt every time I see his name or his picture on myspace. He calls me now and then, sends the occasional text message or myspace comment and I really love being able to continue talking to him, but at the same time it keeps me down in this rut that I cannot seem to shake.

 

I want him to stay in my life because I'd rather know him as friends than not have him in my life at all, but I don't know if I can handle it. I guess, somewhere in the back of my mind, I have this fantasy that he'll realize he has feelings for me and want to get back together, but my common sense tells me that's probably not going to happen.

The very idea of him being with someone else crushes me... it makes it hard to breath and I (quite literally) feel sick to my stomach at the thought.

 

This person i'm dating now... I really like him but he's not Dusty and that small imperfection stands out on him like a pond in the desert. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to feel for someone the way I do for Dusty (even after time) and that scares me... I'm terrified I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone that I don't 'love' because nobody has done to me (emotionally and physically) what Dusty has done. Just being around him somehow made me feel complete and I'm afraid I'll never have that again.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't expect an answer or pearl of wisdom because there really isn't a question. I just feel so frustrated and feel like I could burst out of my chest at any minute and lose my mind. I don't want to convince myself that he was "THE ONE" and spend my life missing out on other wonderful people... but what if he was and I missed out on it? What if he was the perfect person for me and I * * * *ed it up being all needy and demanding?? I know he probably thinks I'm crazy, but I think he doesn't realize that the reason I was so demanding and seemed to be so needy is because when I was around him it made me feel like my life was worth something... like I had some kind of purpose. He was like a drug that i couldn't get enough of and I scared him away... I wish I could stop beating myself up about this but I just can't... I can't get him out of my head.

[berzerk]

You may have posted it somewhere else and I just didn't see it, but did you break up with him or did he break up with you? Because if you did to him, then I don't see why there still isn't a chance for you 2 to be together in the future. And even if you 2 don't spend the rest of your lives together in a relationship, I would think spending it together as really good friends is just as good.