Young Military Marriage? w/ a Twist.

[lust4life]

Alright, I need some advice pretty much asap.

 

I'll set you up w/ the background info first off.

I've been dating my bf "J" for over a year, and I've known him for around two years. I'm 20 & he's 21. We're with each other almost all the time when we're not working. I just love being with him. Our relationship has been amazing even though we've had our share of hard times & arguments. We "fight" fair never calling each other names, never bringing up the past & we either compromise or come to a resolution. We work together as a team & have unconditional love for one another. I have nothing significantly bad enough to say about us as a couple or J himself.

We both have full time jobs, live with our parents(for right now), pay rent, and were going to school.

 

Here's where it gets interesting.

I didn't like college at all, & couldn't deal with all the financial stress involved in having no support at all from home. Anyways, I've decided the best thing for me to do is to join the Air Force. J has wanted to join the military since I can remember & was pumped when I told him the plans for my future. Now, he also wants to join the Air Force. We would join near Jan 2008.

 

The Catch.

As you know if we go into the military together just as bf/gf chances are we won't be seeing each other for a looooong time(i'm talkin years). So a couple months ago J started talking about getting married.

 

Ahh yes, young (military) marriage. I know the stats.

Of course I would love getting married to J & we'd go through the right steps to set us up for success. For example getting pre-marital counseling. Getting married before we go in ensures that we will be living together after Basic training(boot camp) or AIT vs. not seeing each other for years. I personally think it would be awesome, both of us advancing our futures while maintaining our love... I have some worries, but I think everyone does before they tie the knot...

if you wanna know more just ask. Trying to be sure I'm making a good decision here!

 

but yea, any advice or comments are very appreciated!!

[BornToResist]

If you two are really in love, why can't you wait until afterwards to get married?

 

What exactly will change...?

[DavidWebb]

Best thing to do is talk to the recruiter and have it in your contract where you will be stationed, more than likely you can both get the same duty station. If you can't get stationed together, depending on yours and his MOS, then there isn't muc that can be done. More than likely thought you will both be able to be at the same place after Basic and AIT. If the recruiter says that your duty station can't be put into your contract then he's lying to you. Don't let the recruiters push you around when it comes to this.

[Paradigm1607307567]

Best thing to do is talk to the recruiter and have it in your contract where you will be stationed, more than likely you can both get the same duty station.

You can't pick where you will be stationed when you enlist. You have to wait until after BCT and AIT and you get a dreamsheet where you put down three places. You only get one of the three is you're lucky. If they have different jobs, they will never see each other.

 

If the recruiter says that your duty station can't be put into your contract then he's lying to you.

Recruiters don't pick your duty station. The Air Force liaison at MEPS doesn't even pick it. It is assigned to you once you complete BCT and AIT, which is anywhere between 4 and 12 months down the road.

 

 

Lust4life, I am an expert on horrible military relationships, broken engagements, and the army life. I just got out. You are right in saying that you won't see each other for years. There are dozens of places where you will be stationed. Especially if you have different jobs. More than likely, in four years, you will NEVER see him on the job. He may go to Korea or Germany and you may end up in Elmendorf Alaska. How often will he have downtime to fly out and see you? The ONLY way to ensure your relationship stays intact is to get married. If you are married, you are guaranteed the same duty station, and BAH (housing allowance). You will be able to live together and possibly work together.

 

Remember lust4life, the two hardest types of relationships are long distance, and military. If you have both of those going against you, you will suffer greatly. Eliminate the distance.

 

You are right in wanting to get married. Your relationship sounds great too. Here's what you need to do:

1) Sit down with your bf and discuss what you both want as far as enlisting. Make sure he WANTS this for him, not because you want to. The AF is easy and more "marriage friendly" compared to the other 3 services, but it is no cakewalk. You will be committing 4 years of your life to something. Make sure you both want it no matter what.

 

2) If you both decide to enlist, make SURE you want to get married. If you want to get married, let me give you some more advice that you might as well learn now. In the military, you will use a pen more than you will fire a gun. Our military is made of paper. Make sure you get a marriage license. Show it to a recruiter and specifically tell him you will walk out if you both don't get guaranteed the same DUTY STATION and BAH in your contract. MAKE SURE you see it in writing, and make 3 copies for both of you and take 1 to MEPS when you enlist. If he says he will "check into it" or "see what he can do", walk out of his office. I guarantee he will bend over backwards for you, but let him know what you want.

 

Congratulations on your decision. If you want to know anything, please ask. I was in the Army and I had plenty of bad relationship experiences. I'd be more tan happy to share what I've experienced. Good luck.

[CharLit]

Hiya Lust4life,

 

I know nothing about the US military so I'll keep quiet on that, but to me personally 20 & 21 and 1 year together seem very young & short term for marriage. Is there any reason you can't just stay where you are and keep working for another year, maybe get an apartment together so you know what it's like to live together, and then get married & go into the military?

 

That said, it sounds like you have a great relationship and you are both willing to work to keep it that way, so I don't think getting married now is a bad decision either, just not what I would do.

 

take care & best of luck!

C

[lust4life]

Thanks everyone for replying!!

 

Paradigm- Thank you sooooooo much! It's such a relief to find someone w/ prior experience who knows where I'm coming from. I don't know how to write messages that aren't public, but if you don't mind I'd like to ask you more questions about your relationship experiences & the military in general.

My e-mail is email removed

 

CharLit- Thank you for the advice & the support! Believe me I am weighing both options very heavily. Thank you for not being negative or condescending to get your point accross.

 

Born2Resist-I can understand where you're coming from. I know I'm young & why not wait? I don't believe our love would never fade away or change if we did wait. It's more of the matter of not seeing my best friend for the next 4 years of my life. It would absolutely kill me.

[Paradigm1607307567]

Click on my name and click the second button down. "send private message"

[Shiranai]

I have nothing to add except most people don't understand when the military is involved, getting married is virtually the ONLY way to ensure the military sees the two as a couple. Without that protection, in my experience the military did virtually everything they could to separate me and my boyfriend. Once they flat out asked him to dump me to get a higher pay.

 

In most cases I think people are not thinking straight if they want to get married before they're 23, but with the military cases I can totally see the practicality of being married.

 

When I considered marrying my boyfriend early a few years back a lot of people asked me what will change and why can't I wait, the problem is they're not me and they don't even bother to see my hardship before spilling words out of their mouths. Granted I don't give advices much thought unless if they're useful, and ultimately I didn't base my decision on anyone's advice, but... it's so different. Without marriage the military has no obligation to let one person know if the other person is sick/hurt/dead or if he has moved, there's no guarantee that they will see each other, they literally could go into the military and not see each others for 4 years straight and possibly not even be able to contact each other often.

 

So, why wait? Good relationships come around once in a blue moon, if someone is certain they found a good person to spend the rest of their lives with, AND getting married is a good way to keep them together, why wait?

 

I don't think most relationships are tough enough to withstand what the military tosses at people.

 

resent the military personally, I never chose to date a military guy and I still secretly hope he'll quit soon. The only reason I'm even still around is because he's that special to me and I don't really care for another boyfriend.

 

So.... after my rant, I think if you and him are both happy with the idea then you should do it. You know the stats of military marriages falling through, you know what lies before you. If you're okay with it potentially not working out and you still want to pursue it, then no one should tell you any different.