never had a boyfriend - 34 year old female

[Nat72]

I'm a 34 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, never been pursued and who has never been on a date. I was a fat kid in school and in college but not an outcast. i had lots of friends but guys rejected me because I wasn't pretty enough and because of my weight. The realisation that no matter what my character, my pretty friends would eb valued more by prospective guys we met and I would be ignored plunged me into a depression. (I've since lost the weight and many people think I'm good looking (not men in my age group though). - Couple these things with the bullying I received I as a kid in school and later as a young adult in my first job, and as you'd probably guess, my self-esteem was destroyed. i wondered what it was about me that caused people to put me down but not put other people around me down. I thought I must be bad in some way to attract such insults.

 

I have built my self-esteem, lost the weight, and am regularly told by quite a few family, friends and others I meet that I am beautiful - except never by men. I still feel alienated from men.

 

I have male friends but my early experiences with guys saw them try to make friends with me to get to my pretty rich blonde friend. They were never interested in dating me - just friendship. Now, most are married or taken and the few single guys I do meet and am attracted to are still not interested in dating me.

 

Never having had a boyfriend is a root cause of my depression. I feel unattractive and undesirable - it doesn't matter what my family, friends and older acquaintances think - it only matters what my male peers think and they have collectively rejected me. I don't know what to do. I'm going to miss out on having children and I feel like finding love will never happen for me.

 

Why does it happen so easily, and even multiple times for some people. I cannot believe that some people have found so many others willing to date them. I have a lot ot offer - love, affection, kindness, a good sense of humour, I'm educated and financially insdependent and I have a lot of hobbies.

 

But deep down I feel like a freak and an outsider and feel I may have missed the boat.

 

Have these things happened to other people? People who function at a high level in public but whom the opposite sex just ignore, overlook or reject outright? I really don't know what to do.

[JoeWho]

It is really all about your confidence. If you have it others will be attracted to you. I am sure you have seen women who you consider less attractive than yourself getting a lot of attention form men. Why, because they were comfortable and confident in their own skin.

 

Work on being confident and outgoing and people will gravitate toward you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is really all about your confidence. If you have it others will be attracted to you. I am sure you have seen women who you consider less attractive than yourself getting a lot of attention form men. Why, because they were comfortable and confident in their own skin.

 

Work on being confident and outgoing and people will gravitate toward you.

 

I disagree. There are just some women, me being one of them, that just don't seem to be man magnets for whatever reason. I have a lot of self confidence am very intelligent, highly educated, a great sense of humour etc etc etc and it still hasn't helped. I know other women who also have the same problem, and they do not have self-esteem issues either. On the other hand I find a lot of women with serious self-esteem issues who attract tons of men...those are the women who use sexuality to try to counter their self-esteem issues....hence no problems finding an interested man......but of course their relationships are never happy ones because of the self-esteem issues. They may have tons of relationships, but they are not quality relationships.

 

One day you will find someone who will value who you are and your past won't matter anymore. Better to find one man of quality than 10 men who are only in it for a good time and nothing serious.

[nuttybuddy]

Hi Nat... I hear ya....

I'm 32 and I got my first bf not too long ago. Before him, I never went on any dates. Sure, I had guy friends and we would go eat together or whatever, but it was never an official date.

 

Funny thing is, I am not fat... I'm actually skinny, and I am not ugly... I have had a handful of guys who fell for me. And I've had people tell me that I'm pretty. My bf used to always say that I'm beautiful, but I think he knows that it's gotten to my head and he no longer says it. He now says "you know you're beautiful." which isn't as nice to hear.

 

anyway... my point is, it's not about your looks....

 

i think for me.... i'm quite a late bloomer. i've always gave an atmosphere where the guys feel like it's hard to approach me. I've had some guys tell me later on after getting to know me, that they thought I was arrogant. But after they got to know me, they were like, I'm sorry I thought that about you.

 

I had a popular friend (girl) in college and she had guys falling for her ALL the time. I couldn't understand what was so great about her. She was skinny too, but I didn't think her face was that much prettier than mine. But one thing for sure was that she was this outgoing girl who laughed easily and just made the guys feel like it was fun to be around her.

 

So, you're right in thinking that women who are married aren't better looking than you... but they probably made some guy feel comfortable enough to want to be with them for the rest of their lives.

 

Don't fret about never having dated. You are still young. There are lots of guys out there still looking. Just relax and try to make friends.... even though you think just being friends with the opposite sex is never gonna go anywhere.... NEVER say never. Besides, make friends with girls too because who knows if these girls may try to help you out by match making. Just make as many friends as possible.

[mizz_sweety]

I agree its about confidence Nat, I have personally never fell in love with someone for their looks, hand on heart i haven't. Its always been their personality which then also builds up to their confidence - so i agree with Joewho, think its down to your confidence.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

its about confidence and what sets you apart

 

attractiveness is more than just a look ya'kno

 

its the whole package, your attitude, your swagger, your personality.......

 

are you attractive in your attitude

are you attractive in your swagger

are you attractive in your personality

[itsallgrand]

Do you feel sexy?

 

It could be a lack of sexual confidence.

 

Let's face it. One of the big differences that separates who we want to date/who we want as a friend in the opposite sex is.....yes, sex. This is someone we are going to be romantic, and sexual with.

Would you continue dating a man you couldn't imagine sleeping with; when it gets right down to it?

 

And when it comes to being sexy - it's much more than looks, having hobbies and friends, and even confidence.

 

You can be a beauty and yet give off an "non-sexual" vibe.

 

You use the words like Never - has a guy been interested in you .

 

Yeah right! Even if you had a hump on your back; someone has looked at you and thought "I'd sleep with her." "She's hot" "I'd date her"

 

Honestly!

 

You are seeing things in a certain way, and that is a deliberate focus to NOT seeing when a man is interested in you.

 

Your history....geez,...I don't want to be too blunt...but there is reason there why you may have gone a more reserved route when it comes to sex, have inhibitions about your sexuality, and have fears that are preventing you from celebrating your sexuality .

 

And I'm not talking about becoming permiscuous (sp?) or wearing certain show-off clothing. I'm not talking about massive change.

 

It's a glow. An energy. A sexual vibe.

 

Am I totally off the mark here?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think anybody should be who they are not. If they are not comfortable exuding sexuality, why should they just to get a man. I think men can fall for women once they get to know them, not just because they give off sexual vibes. If a man will only be interested in a woman who gives off sexual vibes, then he doesn't have much going for him. Sexual attraction comes from the brain as well. If a man starts falling in love with your personality and who you are as a person, he will end up being attracted to the person sexually because of the intense emotional connection. To exude sexuality to try to get a man is going after the men who want to sleep with you first and then decide whether or not there is an emotinal connection to build on. Sure it works in many cases...but that doesn't mean that all women have to fit that mould in order to attract a man. And forget about the twirling of the hair, licking your lips, touching his arm, batting your eyelashes blah blah blah...how very cliche. You want a special man who doesn't get taken in by the cliches.

[JoeWho]

I think you are 100% on target. Being sexy and knowing it without going overboard. Nothing more attractive in a potential girlfriend.

[agent1607307371]

I feel unattractive and undesirable

 

The first thing you have to do is to get rid of this mindset. If you think you are attractive and desirable, then other people will think it too. It's like a Jedi mind trick, and absolutely works.

 

You have learn to be a sensual person - treat yourself, eat things that you like, listen to music you like, go for massages and facials and things that make you feel really good in yourself. Because this will come accross in your body language and that's what people will pick up on.

 

Also, maybe stop being so focused on having a relationship. I get the feeling that you missed out on playing the field a bit when you were younger so don't be afraid to just flirt for flirtings sake, seeing men just to see them with no pressure for it to go further. Maybe try men outside of your age range.

 

Take the pressure off and just have fun. Which itself feeds back into coming accross in your personality and is attractive.

[violingirl]

I disagree. There are just some women, me being one of them, that just don't seem to be man magnets for whatever reason. I have a lot of self confidence am very intelligent, highly educated, a great sense of humour etc etc etc and it still hasn't helped. I know other women who also have the same problem, and they do not have self-esteem issues either. On the other hand I find a lot of women with serious self-esteem issues who attract tons of men...those are the women who use sexuality to try to counter their self-esteem issues....hence no problems finding an interested man......but of course their relationships are never happy ones because of the self-esteem issues. They may have tons of relationships, but they are not quality relationships.

 

I completely agree with you. I, too, have never been a "man magnet," even though I am very intelligent, highly educated and have a very good sense of humor. It's been over 2 1/2 years since I've been in a relationship and not for lack of trying.

 

I think that a lot of women with serious self-esteem or other issues (childhood abuse, emotional or mental health issues, lack of employment or education, etc.) often attract a lot of men, because those men see themselves as saviors who can swoop in and "save" or "mold" women like that. Men find that to be a challenge while, at the same time, they get a nice ego boost (look how nice they are being; their lives are more "together" than the woman's life) and a lot of control in the relationship.

 

Meanwhile, those of us who have figured things out for ourselves and are largely independent (socially, financially, etc.) are not seen as much of a challenge by men - there's nothing for a man to "fix" or "mold" and we are not so easily controlled.

[JoeWho]

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies

 

It is not hard to attract men. I think all you ladies saying you have trouble attracting men are making a mountain out of a grain of sand. You are thinking about it far too much. It is human nature for a man to pursue a woman and a woman to allow a man to court her. That is the way it has been done for thousands of years in all cultures (except for the arranged marriage cultures) and the only thing that you need to do as a woman is make yourself available and visible.

 

If men arent approaching you it is for the same simple reasons. You are giving off a vibe that

 

a.) you are not available

 

b.) you are not confident in yourself and give off negative vibes

 

c.) you are not in touch with your sexuality. IE you dont feel sexy

 

 

Men are simple and predictable creatures. Dont make us into complex difficult entities.

[violingirl]

the only thing that you need to do as a woman is make yourself available and visible

 

I respectfully disagree. 32 years of experience on this planet have proven to me that it is definitely not that simple. Otherwise, I would be inundated with men or, much more preferably, married by now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I also disagree with this assessment.

[starscream]

I don't know the true answer when it comes to why some it's so diffcult for some people to find anyone and while others have it at such ease. Everyone taste is different. Looks isn't everything but having confidence and being positive about yourself is - bulid up your self-esteem. That will show through you and people like that sort of fuzzy stuff. You must try harder to get guys to notice you. I don't mean dress like a hooker but smile more, some flirting, make jokes, join some social clubs. One day your prince will enter your world. You got a lot to give. Hang in there and good luck!

[Nat72]

I, too, know a girl - the one who overshadowed me in my teens and 20s because she was what most guys seems to want over here - blonde, tall, US size 6, rich family, politically connected surname - who gets tonnes of men approaching her because she uses her sexuality to mask self-esteem issues. If attractiveness is all about self-esteem, she would have had as many boyfriends, many of them for over two years, as she has had. Guys become obsessed with her despite the fact that she sleeps with them on the first date (I was always told by guys that they would not consider a girl a contender for girlfriend status if they did this - not true) and that she uses sex and men to make her feel better. Why do I repel them but her self-esteems issues don't have the same affect?

Unlike her, I was the short, dumpy, smart brunette from a poorer family who sent me to a rich school. I then went on to unviersity with the privileged kids but couldn't afford the clothes and style that my best friend could afford. I was the emotional sounding board for her boyfriend and she got all the good parts of the relationship.

I'm slim now, have great clothes, have my own consuklting business in the central business district and for the most part, am very happy with my family and my life. I can afford to travel and buy what i need. I can sustain long term friendships - some dating from when I was 5 years old and some with men from when I was in my 20s.

 

It's just this one thing that makes me feel like I must be undesirable.

I get ignored, I don't get approached - women with much less going on intellectually and spiritually and emotionally get a chance with guys before I do.

 

I am so frustrated and again, I get those feelings like had when I was the fat ugly girl - men don't value me because I'm not the blonde, slutty bimbo girls around with fake hair, fake nails and fake tan and I'm no longer in my twenties.

 

I approached the one guy friend I was really physically and mentally attracted to when I was 26 and he rejected me. Which makes me feel worse because apparently guys are willing to hook up with most any girl.

 

I've had guys ask me while I've had dinner with them - why don't girls like nice girls, where are all the nice girls...while I'm sitting there with them.

 

I even had one guy say to me, (A is so beautiful, smart and everyone loves her...don't YOU wish YOU were more like her???)

 

On the other hand, I had a friend recently tell me that he had a photo of me in which I looked like freakin' Elizabeth Taylor and that I had a lot going for me too.

 

I am really frustrated. I just don't get it. I'm not chucking a pity party, i've been alone long enough to cope - I just want to know why guys want me to remain alone. They just aren't interested.

 

How much does social status play in attraction with men? Here, in Australia, it seems like it counts for a lot. They want the daughters of the wealthy, the bergdorf Blondes so to speak. The guys in blue collar jobs don't want women who work in high powered careers.

 

I just can't win and I am anxious and depressed about my status. No man has ever loved me, pursued me, made me feel like I was special.

[nuttybuddy]

What about this guy who think you look like Liz Taylor? Isn't that a compliment? Maybe he's interested, and you don't know it yet.

 

Besides, you don't wanna attract just any guy... you wanna repel most guys and just attract the only one YOU'RE interested in.

 

btw, do you have short hair? guys tend to be more attracted to long haired girls.

[Nat72]

My hair is shoulder length, dark chocolate brown with some natural red highlights - thick, good condition, cut every 6 weeks. My eyes are very dark brown.

[nuttybuddy]

uh, try growing it a little below the shoulder. i know you may find it to be annoying cuz you might have to tie it back and stuff, but nevertheless, guys like long hair....

[Iceman2007]

Nat72, I really feel your sadness, I do. I can relate to everyone who's never experienced a bf, gf, or even a kiss. I've had GFs but for anyone to never have some kind of relationship happiness is a tragedy IMHO.

 

I do believe your job status does affect your dating options. Not speaking for all males but I wouldn't approach very successful women because honestly most women wouldn't want to date a blue-collar male like myself. So for example if I liked you and saw that you made XXX amount of dollars to my XX I would automatically assume you would not be interested in me at all.

 

Again all I want to say is hang tough and I hope your Prince Charming comes around.

[Iceman2007]

I also disagree with this assessment.

 

I'm a male and I'm the third to agree.

 

Unfortunately most males are visual creatures. Not saying all but most. Men don't care about confident women. They mainly care about looks first personality second. This is the way men are and we can never change that.

[Gath]

I'm a male and I'm the third to agree.

 

Unfortunately most males are visual creatures. Not saying all but most. Men don't care about confident women. They mainly care about looks first personality second. This is the way men are and we can never change that.

 

yes, we're visual creatures, but its not about whether they fit some predefined "beauty" mold (for many men anyway). confidence and happyness combined with being reasonably fit will make most any girl beautiful. A girl with amazing looks and a frown on her face isn't attractive. A girl with so so looks and a friendly and flirty smile is very attractive.

[Nat72]

Iceman, you shouldn't think that women who earn more than you do and who have white collar jobs won't be interested. I would love it if I could find a guy who has a trade. I don't care how much a guy earns, as long as he can pay his bills comfortably. Frankly, the attitudes of men who are at the top of the tree in white collar jobs are horrible to me - they always have been. They are caught up in status anxiety - who has the most money, the best job, the best house, the most successful kids, the blondest wife etc. - and their sense of entitlement is atrocious.

Don't reject me before you've met me.

[Iceman2007]

Iceman, you shouldn't think that women who earn more than you do and who have white collar jobs won't be interested. I would love it if I could find a guy who has a trade. I don't care how much a guy earns, as long as he can pay his bills comfortably. Frankly, the attitudes of men who are at the top of the tree in white collar jobs are horrible to me - they always have been. They are caught up in status anxiety - who has the most money, the best job, the best house, the most successful kids, the blondest wife etc. - and their sense of entitlement is atrocious.

Don't reject me before you've met me.

 

Men who make the most money tend to have an ego and go for trophy wives. They are the ones who cheat the most and leave their wives for younger women. They also tend to sleep with many escorts. Sad but true.

 

I don't know how much you earn a year but it could scare potential men away. For myself I feel uncomfortable if a woman makes way more than me. I know for a fact if the female has a better profession men will always talk behind my back all the time, undermining my confidence.

[nuttybuddy]

Men who make the most money tend to have an ego and go for trophy wives. They are the ones who cheat the most and leave their wives for younger women. They also tend to sleep with many escorts. Sad but true.

 

I don't know how much you earn a year but it could scare potential men away. For myself I feel uncomfortable if a woman makes way more than me. I know for a fact if the female has a better profession men will always talk behind my back all the time, undermining my confidence.

 

That's true.... Perfect example would be Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.