Trust Issues

[Japanfreak05]

I've been having some trust issues with my boyfriend of 2 years. It all started on July 4th when he lied to me about where he was and what he was doing. He told me he was sitting in traffic in a friends car, when a couple days later I find pictures of him on the internet at some hotel party with his friends and a bunch of girls.

 

Sunday night I went through his phone and saw that he'd been calling, receving calls, and texting 3 different girls. I have never met any of them and he says they are his friends. But whenever I get a guy friend he throws a fit and I end up not talking to the guy anymore. But it's ok for him to have 3 girl friends?? One in which was at that hotel party he lied to me about (Tonya). Out of the other 2 (Jessica and Brittney) Jessica lives out of state and Brittney likes him a lot, but he says she is ugly and doesn't like her. He used to like Jessica back in high school, but he had a girlfriend at the time and after graduation they grew apart, BUT they are back to talking now.

 

Right now he's extreamly mad at me for going through his phone. Had I not gone through his phone I wouldn't have known he was talking to thoes 3 girls that much. My trust in him has hit a hard spot, and he doesn't seem to care, he is just mad that I went through his phone. I apologized, but it's like me going through his phone is worse than him talking to thoes 3 other girls to him. I'm so confused!!!!!!!!

[Bunney]

Uh. Plenty of red flags. Maybe he lied to you because he knew you would get upset if he told you he was at the hotel party (which is of course no justification)? Seems really strange to me though.

 

Those girls on his phone are also red flags, if they were just good friends I wonder why he didn't tell you about them before? And why can't you have any male friends while he has a bunch of female friends? That's wicked...

 

He wouldn't be so mad at you for going through his phone if he didn't have anything to hide at all.

 

You should sit down with him and have a talk.. He doesn't seem to be honest.

And next time he is trying to stop you from talking to a guy, don't listen to him! Being in a relationship shouldn't mean being prisoned.

[russ978]

Shame on you for searching his phone.

 

But, you found possible evidence of so it is mostly forgivable.

 

You found information that he lied about going to a party with other women (if he wasn't doing anything wrong, why lie?) and that he has been maintaining contact with multiple women; this isn't bad to start with because men can have relationships with women that are simply friendships, I'm curious why he would feel the need to hide these from you.

 

If you know he's been texting these other women, did you read the text messages? What did they say?

 

The fact that he was hanging out at a party he lied about with a woman he is constantly messaging is a total red flag towards me and I'd keep my eye open for more of this type of behavior. It is certainly disturbing that he feels the need to keep you from contacting other men. People you met on myspace or whatever, I could understand his concern, but male friends you had coming into the relationship.. come on, your friendships should strenghten your relationships, not be a point of concern.

 

If you find out he is cheating, leave him. You don't need a POS like that in your life.

[Japanfreak05]

Yeah he said he didn't tell me he was at the hotel party cuz he knew I'd get mad, but I was already mad cuz he wasn't spending 4th of july with me, so he lied to me and then I found out a week later what REALLY went down, and I got mad again. haha he could have saved himself another argument.

 

He claims he has nothing to hide in his phone, but wouldn't all guys say that...

 

I know for a fact I am not going to drop anymore of my guy friends now, about a year ago I asked him to stop talking to that Jessica girl, and he's STILL talking to her.

[mizz_sweety]

Seems as though there's one rule for you and another for him which as you know, is not right. He needs to be told, no wonder you feel paranoid and insecure, think you best speak to him about this because it is not fair.

 

If he loved you he would stop tlaking to Jessica if it is getting too much for you, I'm pretty sure that is what you want too isin't it?

 

And so what if you are going through his phone, at least this way you found out exactly what he is getting up to, also the fact he may be cheating on you, good on you girl! But u need to speak to him

[Japanfreak05]

Thanks russ,

 

The texts from Tonya (girl at the hotel party) are mostly just inviting him out to places her and her friends go, like there was one that said they were going bowling and asked if he wanted to come. Another was to a restrurant. My boyfriend says he didn't go to either one, although he told the girl he was coming, he said he didn't show. (I don't even remember what happened or else I would know if he went or not)

 

To Jessica they do more talking on the phone than texting, I saw one phone conversation that lasted 35 minutes. and he told me "I'm going to sleep now" but had then spent 21 minutes talking to her on the phone afterwards. I understand she doesn't live in this state, but she does visit. The one time she did visit he didn't go see her he was with me, but I think if she came down now, he'd go see her.

 

and Brittney....she likes him and she sends messages saying "hey how are you", "what's up", "you sleep?", "good night". They also talk on the phone, he might call her and vice versa.

 

What makes it worse is, he just found out a few weeks ago, that his dad has cancer. He started kemo yesterday. So that's really amplifying his anger towards me. He had turned his phone off last night so that I coudln't call him. Brittney sent messages saying "I hope your dad is ok", "your gonna make me cry", "i'm praying for him."

 

Mizz Sweety,

 

I told him everything I was feeling when we got into that argument on sunday. But he didn't seem to care/listen to me because, he was mad I went through his phone. When he gets mad it's like nothing else matters except what he's mad about. I could go on and on to him about why I did it, but he kept saying "I can't even hear what you just said" because he does not want to hear it. He wants to go on and on about how wrong I was for going through his phone.

[littleme23]

I am going to automatically call him a liar. Duh. But after 2 years I think you 2 should have spent the 4th Of July together. Don't you?

[VeganBohemian]

I am fishy about why, if he was going to a hotel party, he didn't ask you to come along?

[ghost69]

after 2 years of dating you haven't met these 'good friends' of his? weird.

[Japanfreak05]

I agree with everyone on here. He ended up apologizing for the way he was acting, but that does not change the fact that he's still talking to these girls. When he goes out he calls it "going out with the guys" but for some reason that girl Tonya is always there. I guess going out with the guys means I can't go, but there is ALWAYS some other girl there I could talk to. I don't understand it at all. Me and him dont go out anywhere either. I have my own place now, so he just wants to come over and "you know". We don't go out to eat, go to the movies, or anything. But he'll go "out with the guys" and go to fun places.

[KrisAnn]

All sorts of red flags here. After 2 years of being with someone, you should definitely know all of his friends, and vice versa. The double standards this dude has are awful! He can have girl friends, but you can't have guy friends? Although in his defense these texts and what not don't at all sound fishy...it's just kind of effed up that he wouldn't tell you about these people.

 

Also, I'm sorry, but I don't feel that being in a relationship requires that you spend every major holiday together. It's wrong that he lied to you about what he was doing, but it's not fair to automatically assume that you were going to spend the day together just because it was the fourth of July. Did he already have plans set up? Heck, I've gone to plenty of holidays w/o my boyfriend. If you're not married, it's not a requirement. Period. It would Gbe nice, yes, but not necessary.

 

All in all this dude seems like he's not wanting a relationship anymore. You should probably find out where he stands on that front, rather than be pissed at him for having girl friends.

 

Hope it works out for you

 

-K

[toribee2]

I don't get mad when people go through my phone if I don't have anything to hide. Of course, if I were doing something, I'd be smart enough to delete it. sheesh...

 

I would have a major problem with the girls in the phone thing. I would veto that stuff immediately. You will get the inevitable, "you can't tell me what to do or who I can and can't talk to!!!" To which your reply should be, "I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you what I WON'T do. And that is put up with this cloak and dagger bs you keep pulling."

 

You have to be prepared for him to tell you that he won't let them go. At that point, you have your answer, and there is no sense in staying in the relationship anyway.

 

My advice to you is to pull back. Don't ask anymore questions. Stop asking him to do things. Stop saying anything about the other girls in his phone. Stop apologizing for going through his phone. You did it. You admitted it. You said you were sorry. It's over. A general attitude of indifference is what, I think, is needed here. He thinks he can do whatever he wants because you will always be there. Let him know that is not true.

 

good luck!!

[ghost69]

i think you are convenience. he can come and go as he pleases. sucks it took you 2 years to figure this out, but i think this is where it's finally headed.