I lost my fiance' and It wasn't my fault (Long read)

[igotrocked]

So I've been dating this girl for 4.5 years. We have had a pretty good relationship. The usual fights but no major problems so far. Which is pretty good for 4.5 years. But her parents are horrible. She is 21 and I am only allowed to see her on the weekends. She isn't allowed out during the week unless it is with someone else besides me then it seems to be ok. If she is at my house, she has to be in by 12:30, at the bar no time limit (make sense?) She has so many chores to do that even my time with her on the weekends is limited. Usually I see her Friday night Saturday night and sometimes Sunday if I'm lucky. All her parents do is put her down. They put down her career choice of going to nursing school instead of being a doctor because they don't make as much money. Who does that? For 4.5 years I have been there for her. Everytime she calls me crying because they are yelling at her and putting her down, I am the one picking her up and making her feel better. I have always had small doubts about this relationship alot due to the type of family she has and I knew her parents didn't like me because I make her happy and they don't want that.

 

So about a month ago I decided to ask this girl to marry me. She is about to start her last year in school and I thought it would be good timing so we can be engaged then get our own place as soon as she graduates. It took me along time to make this decision. She has been asking for a ring for 2 years prior to this. We used to have arguments because she didn't understand why I wasn't ready. I had alot of doubts but I thought it was normal for making a commitment like this. There were 2 main reasons for me having doubts. First because of her family, I knew this will be a long haul with them in our lives forever but I thoght things might be better once we moved out. Second, this is really the only serious relationship I have ever been in. She has been in several relationships and has had several partners and this always bothered me because I am a bit insecure and jealous and probably because this was my first. She was my first for just about everything. I have always wondered what else is out there a little bit. So I decided these feelings weren't enough for me to give up everything we had or to wait any longer I THOUGHT she was the one.

 

So knowing how her parents are, I decided not to tell anyone about this, I didn't want anyone trying to talk me out of it or ruining it which I know they would have. So I popped the question the first day of our vacation and she said yes. We had the best vacation ever. Except for this. When I called home and told everyone (My mom was the only one who knew before hand) everyone was so happy for us. When she called home, she got yelled at. They said "This was horrible timing", "I'm immature", "They never expected this" (after 4.5 years?), "She's never going to finish school", "I should have came to them first" and the list goes on. But like I always do I cheered her up and we continued to have the best vacation ever.

 

So here is where the plot thickens. We get back from vacation and go to her house to unpack. The first think I said to her parents was "I'm sorry for not talking with you about this before I did it, but I didn't think you would be happy about it" They said "We wouldn't have been", I said "Well I really don't care because I know this is what she wants". And the argument progressed from there. I remained respectful but I told it how it was. They cursed me up and down. The told me she didn't want this and only said yes becasue we were on vacation. That she doesn't really love me. I'm not the only guy she thought she has loved. That she is not allowed to be engaged until she graduates. That I'm immature for wasting money on a ring. Then they started bashing my personality. It went on for awhile. So round 1 was over and I went home. They were pissed but we were still together and engaged.

 

Round 2 (about a week later). I'm at the hospital, my dad just got out of surgery. My fiance' calls me crying. Her parents called her at work and said "You either give that ring back or you are out of this house tongiht, you can't take any of your stuff or keep your car, and we won't pay for school" The funny part is that they don't pay for * * * * now, her school loans are on credit cards (that her parents names are on) but she pays the bills, and their name isn't on her car, we checked when she came to the hospital to talk to me. We talked at the hospital and I told her that if she got kicked out it would be hard but we could make it. I make decent money, I would get us an apartment and help her with all her bills. I would have gotten a 2nd job if I needed to, I worked 2 jobs all through college I could do it now. When she left the hospital she said she wasnt giving the ring back and whatever happens happens. Then she gets home. She calls me crying (again). I go over. Her mom, dad, and sister are all ready to get it on. The bell rings, round 2 is on. Again I remain civil and just tell it how it is and again I get cursed at, called every name in the book. "This engagement has ruined all of their lives" (mom, dad, sister). Her mom threaten to flush the ring down the toilet, have me arrested for being on her property (even though they called me over), etc, etc. I was called every name in the book....twice. I was a coward, a hot-shot, conceeded. You get the idea. It was 3 against 1 and my fiance' was just sitting there crying, so much for 3 on 2, I was on my own. I was holding my own but then they finally said it "Give the ring back or get out". Thats pretty much a KO right there.

 

So me and my fiance' went outside to talk alone, I told her before I would never ask her to choose between me and her family, beacuse family is very important to me (even though they are a sad excuse for a family), but they were forcing her to choose. I said that if that ring came back it would hurt and things wouldn't be the same, but I would try to be here for her like I have always been, no guarentees. She eventually gave the ring back. Talk about a kick to the balls. I just turned and walked away, went home to my family and a few broken doors, shattered picture frames, and bloody knuckles later they were able to calm me down. I have the greatest family.

 

I kept to my word and didn't leave her. But every doubt I had before was multiplied by 1000. I have no clue what I want to happen right now. She thought things would change if she gave the ring back and they would leave her alone. The day after she was getting yelled at for the same * * * *. She thought things would change if she told them how she felt about me. Guess what no change. Now get this. About 2 weeks down the road from when she gave the ring back. I havn't seen/talked to her family at all. And I wont. My "girlfriend" asks me to apologize to her parents for how I talked to them that day. Because she thinks then they will leave her alone and things will be different. Can you believe that? They are harrasing her and treating her like * * * *, she expects me to kiss their ass and when I won't do it, it becomes my fault she can't concentrate on school. It won't belong before they say "leave him or get out" and I know where that will get us. It will be finished. She says things will be different once she graduates and can move out. I don't think they will.

 

Our relationship is at a stand still. We argue alot and we also have some good times in between. But she knows she no longer has my full comitment. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I feel I should have never propsed in the first place. I don't know if this can work. Her parents will run her life forever. I do love her but I'm filled with anger and hate, plus I have all my doubts and what if's. I don't want her family in my life. But that means not having her in my life either. If I knew I would meet someone else who loves me like she does I think i would leave but I don't know that. But on the other hand she is in her last year of school and needs some support right now, I'm all she has and I'm so confused.

[crapie]

Do you know the reason(s) why they don't like you or if it is just plain simple that they just don't want 'any guy' around their daughter? Is this their only daughter? Or if she has sister(s), do the parents act the same when it comes to the guy issue?

[prizmpyxis]

Hey there,

 

Wow, this is quite a predicament that you are in. Relationships vs. Family is NEVER an easy situation...and what it really comes down to is that your girlfriend needs to decide what she wants in her life and what she wants to do with it. I commend you for somewhat keeping your cool throughout this situation, and for being respectful to her family even when it was difficult. It sounds like her parents are VERY controlling, and do not give her much freedom at all. I am the same age as your girlfriend, and if my parents ever tried to dictate to me who to date, or what to do with my life I know I would stand up for myself. However, the difference is that my parents would probably compromise with me and listen to my opinion. Your girlfriend must be feeling very helpless right now because her parents simply refuse to even listen to what she wants.

 

As far as what you can do in this situation, unfortunately there isn't really much. All you can keep doing is supporting your girlfriend, giving her your opinion, and telling her that the way she is being treated is wrong. I can kind've understand her parents being upset that she was engaged before even finishing school...but that should be HER decision and even if they don't agree with it, they didn't have the right to tell her to give back the ring and act as they did. Maybe not at this current time, but eventually your girlfriend is going to have to decide whether or not she wants to be in control of her life...and make the decision to either stick up for herself or get away from her parents. Right now it sounds like her parents have control over her financially, and she lives with them so that makes it harder. It will have to happen in the next few years though.

 

The only other thing that concerns me about your post is the fact that you mentioned that you feel like if there was someone else out there who would love you as much as your girlfriend does, then you would leave her. What you need to decide is if you love your girlfriend enough to stay with her and to learn to get along with her family...or if you don't love her as much as she loves you. There is ALWAYS someone else out there who will love you just as much, if not more. If you are not feeling the same way about your girlfriend, then you need to end the relationship and move on. You can still support her and be in her life as a friend if that's what you need to do, but don't stay with her just because you feel bad.

[igotrocked]

Crapie, I have no clue why they don't like me, I treat their daughter so good. I have a good job. I'm a good person, there is no reason. She has one sister and she does whatever she wants, has no chores, can go out all night, no problems. She recently moved out and her parents had alot of say in the house she bought. But when she was at home she had no rules pretty much. But she has no bf in her life and hasn't the whole 4.5 years I've been around. I'm beginning to understand why.

 

prizmpyxis, After all of the * * * * I have put up with over the past 4.5 years, I feel like this was the final straw. I think her parents will control her for the rest of her life b/c even after all of this she is asking me to apologize to them, thats crazy! I can't live with them doing this for the rest of my life no matter how much I love her. But being with her is all I know, I'm afraid to leave and regret it. But there are still times that when we are together I feel totally in love. But it only lasts for a short time and then I'm just filled with anger and hate.

 

Also now that my gf knows I am having doubts and we are arguing alot, her parents are starting to say things like "See he doesn't really love you" and all that kind of stuff. I feel like this will be impossible to fix.

[russ978]

If I understand correctly.

 

You love this woman and want to marry her.

 

Her parents are against the relationship on a massive level and don't want her to marry you, speak ill of you to your face (and who knows what they say behind your back, and have a blatent disregard for their daughter's deisires in her relationships and in her life. Sound fair enough?

 

If a SO's family is against a relationship, it can be a MAJOR show stopper. Even if her family was on the other side of the country it would still be an issue. If you were 6 months in, I'd suggest you get the heck out of there. 4.5 years is a decent amount of time in a relationship and hopefully, you can work through these issues. With the way her family already was, it might have been a better call to ask them before proposing but that's in the past.

 

Do you think there is a way to reconcile the issues between you and her family?

 

Do you think she would choose you over her family? (I'd lean towards no as she returned the ring...her family has too strong of a hold on her decisions)

 

Is there a point where the situation would get so bad with her family that you would leave her? (It may have reached that point)

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

 

What are your fiance's thoughts about being able to sit down and have a rational, calm, and non-abusive (no cussing and name calling) conversation about what is going on?

 

I wish you the best.

[Gratsy]

When they bashed your personality what did they say?

[d24]

i agree with all the actions you've taken and am right there with you : despairing at the situation. From what you've said it sounds as though they just dont want their daughter(s) to be in a relationship - and that when you proposed it just made it 100 times worse because they realised they're losing their grip on her.

 

they are controlling and they are petty - and i've always said that anyone who stoops as low as name calling in an argument doesnt have the congnative capacity for reason/logic - so there's probably no use in talking to her parents any more.

 

I'm disappointed with her though, that she wasn't willing to miove in with you - if she was as unhappy with her family as she seems and as happy with you as you say - i dont understand why she wouldnt walk out. even if it was hard on both of you. after all.... all you need is love.

 

i want so much for her to be free of her parents and i wish you all the luck in the world trying to prize their grip off of her - just keep plugging away if you think it's worth it (love) and good luck!

[mizz_sweety]

Hey

 

It seems as tho ur gf is in a tight situation where she doesn't want to have to choose between her man and her family.

 

She reminds me of me to be honest, I'm still in the same situation except my fam would not agree with my fella end of, I am also engaged to him which they do not know anyhting about. People shouldn't have to choose between somebody they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with (as you don't fall in love that often and its hard to find real love) and then your family who brought u up into this world.

 

Your gf is clearly scared and confused, it seems to me that she just wants to do right by everyone but can't and that unfair on her. She is being controlled by her parents especially, just like me. They keep tabs on me too, my fiancee gets really annoyed because he can't even see me that often either, at least u get to see her at night, thats a no no with me.

 

I think the only way forward would be for you to ask her where she wants to go from this, this whole thing is obviously hard for u too but u need to ask her so that u can both plan ahead of what you want to do in the future, me and my fiancee have done that also. Its not nice taking grief from people for no reason but u must find out what she wants as there is no point u taking all this when your not getting anything back from her, I understand she must be scared but she has got to do something.

[igotrocked]

If it were 6 months in I would be gone, but we have been through alot together. I don't ever see me having a good realtionship with her family and honestly I would like to never see them again. This hurt so bad, I can't explain it. I am depressed and angry all day every day since this has happened. I don't see her ever choosing me over them and it makes no sense. I treat her like gold, they * * * * on her and she picks them. How can that be. They use money as a weapon. Meanwhile I'm paying for school books, paying bills, etc. so she doesn't have to borrow from them. She has a great job that helps her learn alot for school and is working while going to school but because of that she can only work a limited number of hours. Money doesn't mean much to me. I have no problem giving her money and I have never used that against her like they do. But she still picked them. She is so unhappy with her family it makes no sense that she would choose to stay. Thats why I know things will never change.

 

Me and my gf try to talk about this but it usually ends up with me yelling and I try not to because it is more her parents fault than hers. But as for talking with her parents, its impossible, they don't know how to talk w/o swearing and yelling.

 

When they were talking about me I was a coward for not telling her to give me the ring back. I said thats not what I want and I will never do it. I was immature for blowing my money. I was conceeded for some reason, I was a hot-shot (not really sure what they meant by that). I was disrespectful. They brought up the fact that I don't like to dance (lol im serious). They thought of everything and none of it made sense or had anything to do with our engagement.

 

They said that she is not allowed to be engaged until after she graduates thats the rules and it doesn't mattter if she is happy. They said that right infront of both of us. "This is our house, its about what we want, it doesn't matter if she is happy"

 

I told her I would never make her choose between family and me. I'm standing by that but I can't say this isn't enough for me to leave right now.

 

She wants me to stick around for 10 months then get our own place once she graduates. She wants the ring back the day she graduates. I don't know if I can ever give the ring back and feel good about it. I said so I give the ring back they will find another reason it can't happen. Or they will have to pick out the house and tell us where to live. They will have total control. I won't live like that.

[servedcold]

I think you both love each other very much to go through this, surely after so many years it can wait another ten months. Wait the ten months, get engaged and married, then you will have some leverage over her horrible family. Don't let them win without a fight, and don't blame her for her bad family, lesser women would have dumped you to keep the peace at home. Some patience and understanding now will pay great dividends in the future. Best wishes.

[igotrocked]

I try not to blame her completely, but she is the one that lets them control her. And if she can give in to something like this, to the point where she thinks I should be the one apologizing, then I believe there is no limit to the things they can make her believe. And even if we get our own place in 10 months, what good is it if she is still letting them do these kinds of things. We have been arguing and talking about this everyday since it happened and I thought she understood my position, but then she turns around and asks me to apologize to them. That means all the talks/arguments got us nowhere. And I know her parents will never change. I'm beginning to think the same about her as well.

[igotrocked]

Breaking news:

 

So yesterday my gf and I got into a big argument over the phone, while she was on her way home from work, about this whole situation and especially because she asked me to apologize to her parents, I was so close to ending it, but I just couldn't do it because deep down I just love her so much and I need her in my life.

 

Well when she got home she wasn't in the best of moods. Right away her parents start getting on her about being in a bad mood, which led to a fight. My gf told them this is never going to work and she is leaving. She went to pack some stuff, her mother started breaking picture frames of us, hitting her and spitting on her so she ran outside and called 911. Her sister calls my cell phone and says "you better get your ass over her b/c your gf is leaving and this is all your fault". So I hang up on her and I'm out the door.

 

I get to her house in under a minute, they are all outside. Her mom, dad, and sister start yelling at me and blaming me for everything. (I guess asking the girl you love to marry you is a bad thing these days). In all the previous arguments I kept my cool, but since she gave the ring back I have had so much anger inside. I let it all out. I told them they are not a real family, this is all their fault, they don't really love her, they treat her like * * * *, they should be happy for us. Her mom yells back that this is my fault, I replied with "No, this is your fault b/c you are a b*tch". At which point her dad charges toward me. I am backpedaling trying to get off their property incase he hits me. I'm saying "Go ahead and hit me I'll sue", He says "I'm not going to hit you, I'm going to f*cking kill you". (For some reason I wasn't scared at all but i'm about 5'10 150lbs and he is about 6'2 250lbs I would guess. He probably could kill me rather easily.) At which point the cops pulled in. They throw me in the police car, my gf is allowed 5 minutes to get her stuff. They take statements from everyone. We spend the night at my brothers.

 

So this morning I am trying to find us an apartment. Her mom has called her about 3 times, telling her she is making a mistake, and she doesn't care about her family, saying I will pull her away from them and control her. I apologized to my girlfriend for not keeping my cool, but she already made the decision to leave before I got there. I still told her that I will not stop her from working things out with her family, but I told her not to believe everything they say b/c they are just trying to get her back and nothing will have really changed. I hope I can find an apartment and make this work. I know we can make it but she still loves her family and I'm afraid she is going to want to go back.

[russ978]

If it were 6 months in I would be gone.

 

I'll get straight to the point and ask my pointed question.

 

Are you familiar with the term 'sunk cost?'

 

It means time money etc you put into a project/person that you can never recover. I understand that you have been through a lot together but why would the time you've been together be such a deciding factor in staying with her.

 

The 4.5 years you've had with her are a sunk cost. This isn't a question about what has happened in the past, it is about what is happening now and will likely happen in the future.

 

I really hate to see the situation you are going through but I really think its going to be in your long term self interest to distance yourself from her family (even more) and that may mean leaving your girlfriend in the process.

 

Just my thoughts...

[igotrocked]

If it were 6 months in, I wouldnt have the feelings I do now. She finally made the decision I wish she would have made in the first place. I'm doing everything I can to be here for her, I know it wasn't easy leaving her house. This was an extremely tough situation and only time will tell if I am being a fool, But I am going to give it my all to make this work. In the meantime I am proceeding with caution. I fear so badly that they will convince her to return home. I am putting myself out there just like I did when I asked her to marry me, I just hope it turns out better this time.

 

Thanks for the response. Talking on here does help.