Is it unreasonable....

[d24]

Is it unreasonable every so often to request a sexual favour from your partner.

 

I mean, sometimes I'm horny and want to have sex (and i might even have a position in mind), sometimes I want to eat her out, sometimes I want a handjob, sometimes i want a blowjob, etc...

 

If you space these requests over time and she's willing to do the same (which in my example, she isn't) - in the heat of the moment (or leading up to sexual contact of some sort) one partner should be able to say "i really want your mouth around me" or something similar (or more appropriate).

 

Thing is, I've been gagging for a blowjob for 3 months now and she's said no about 6 or 7 times. It's not that I don't pleasure her also. I've since (quite immaturely over the past week and a bit) stopped giving her oral as a result (which pains me because i genuinely enjoy it). She flat out refuses to give me any hand/oral relief, which is very new to our relationship and it's gotten to a point that I need to ask you guys for some advice.

 

she's never said outright that she hates it, I always ask when i'm clean (post shower) and i never ask out of the blue (pre foreplay or hinting that sex is on the cards etc...). i nearly always do what she wants, i'm quite a considerate lover, and we have no added degree of stress in our lives. She's not changed her medications, and she is not depressed. I cannot see any reason why she's now decided that it's something I'm not allowed to have. I have not yet confronted her about it.

 

As a result by the way... I've been underperforming with sex because i can't concentrate on what i'm doing because there's something else i'd rather she be doing. it's been a long time, and i know i'm not unreasonable with my demands - it's not like I'm asking for it 7 days a week - once a month would do me.... but it is something that I feel as though I 'need'.

 

Anyways... how would you broach this subject - I need to tell her soon.

Also, how often would you ay you specifically 'ask' for something in the bedroom as opposed to just doing it - more about asking than suddenly changing from missionary to doggy etc.... more like a "can we do it doggy style this time please?"

 

thanks!

[tylercdurden2004]

Maybe you guys arent sexually compatible?

 

I think a lot depends on how you ask but then every girl is different. Some like to be "demanded" and some like you to beg, other somewhere in between.

 

If she is flat out refusing to even try I would have a problem with that. Simply because as someone who is willing to try 99% of things at least once I have that "expectation" of my partner as well.

[d24]

we know we're not sexually compatible and have known that since 3 weeks into our relationship (we're reaching the 2 year mark now) - she's always wanting to have sex (very high sex drive) and i'd always do it because i like the closeness (depsite having a very low sex drive) - not that i particularly wanted to, but thats not to say that once i got going i didnt enjoy it because i did. i didnt think that was wrong because i was doing what she'd asked me to.

 

i think what may have happened is she's cottoned on to my lower sex drive as she's recently admitted to stopping initiating things. i dont think that's a problem because if she doesnt want it, she shouldnt initiate it. if she does want something, she should ask? like i said - it's not unreasonable to initiate something or ask for something if you want it... right?

 

We are not sexually compatible but it's not a big deal for us. The big deal is that she was a real freak in bed for 16+ months, and now she's refusing to do hand/oral sex. No reasoning behind it at all, she's just stopped. I'm sure she's aware it's been about 3 months, it could possibly be longer mind you.

 

It frustrates me because I don't know what to do or how to approach this situation/conversation that i need to have in order to have my 'needs' met.

[sweetheart607]

Personally i wouldn't call it unreasonable to ask for sexual favours from your partner. I'd say talk to her about it or another option (please note i hope this doesn't offend) during foreplay suggest it using dirty talk - something like I love it when u your mouth is on my c**k your tongue drives me crazy that would work for me because i like to please lol and the talk turns me on - though it depends on the girl some girls aren't that keen on talk like that

 

As for doggy just suggest it, my guy will just come out and said it like i want to bend u over and do u doggy style gives me a great view of your sexy little butt (the compliment is nice cos most girls are seriously self conscious about this position) again it depends if she likes that.

 

If not sit down and talk to her about it before hand

[bubblyblonde11]

Either talk to her about it, or approach her in a nicer manner like "I'd love it if we could ......... or I really miss having oral sex" donno just think it might be down to approach especially if she is feeling a bit shy or awkward about it. You would need to be gentle and approach gently IMO.

[tylercdurden2004]

So she used to give you hand jobs and blowies?

 

If so it sounds like shes pissed about something.

[sweetheart607]

So she used to give you hand jobs and blowies?

 

If so it sounds like shes pissed about something.

 

i agree it sounds like something is up

[d24]

thanks for the ideas ladies - I have tried a couple approaches to the requesting oral sex thing and i'll give your ideas a go tonight. As stupid as it sounds I am starting to find it really hard to keep concentration at work which isn't aided by working in an all female office. Not that I'd ever do anything shady, but quite frequently the topic of conversation drifts towards sex and i can't add anything and i can't help but hear.... i dont want to sound like 'that pompous guy who complained because he's not getting any more bj's' - i dont know how my friends would react and quite frankly i dont want to share intimate details with them.... but as you can tell, i am constantly thinking about it...

 

I sent her a text just now saying something to the effect of "when i get home i really want you and your sexy ass" no mention of the bj at all, and the text i got back ignored it and said we needed to do laundry tonight at some point... FFS.... i'm dying here... it's not such a huge request...!

 

I know tonight we'll get to sex at some point and i'll either choke and not ask or try one of your methods - and she'll say no. then i'll either have to have sex and remain 'unsatisifed' or it'll be awkward and we'll get dressed again because she never reasons why she doesnt want to.

 

I will talk to her about it either way, and see what she says. Any more thoughts and ideas would be fantastic thank you!

 

(n.b. thought i'd mention that the doggy style thing was an example, we have no sexual problems - asides from me wanting a bj and being unable to concentrate fully on sex, or give it 100% - so there's no problem asking eachother for specific positions)

[tylercdurden2004]

thanks for the ideas ladies

 

Dude. This lady has a dong.

[d24]

edit: sorry tyler, didnt realise you were 'packing' - jsut saw a pic and presumed

So she used to give you hand jobs and blowies?

 

If so it sounds like shes pissed about something.

 

Yes - she'd do it a couple times a week - sometimes by request but mostly from her own free will. But the problem isn't that she's stopped it so much - it's that there doesn't seem to be a reason why. Like i explained above:

 

she's never said outright that she hates it, I always ask when i'm clean (post shower) and i never ask out of the blue (pre foreplay or hinting that sex is on the cards etc...). i nearly always do what she wants, i'm quite a considerate lover, and we have no added degree of stress in our lives. She's not changed her medications, and she is not depressed. I cannot see any reason why she's now decided that it's something I'm not allowed to have.

 

i ahve NO IDEA what could be wrong, I'm sure there must be a reaon but she's not telling and I don't know what to say. And in the meantime I'm going crazy. ](*,)

[tylercdurden2004]

I sent her a text just now saying something to the effect of "when i get home i really want you and your sexy ass" no mention of the bj at all, and the text i got back ignored it and said we needed to do laundry tonight at some point... FFS.... i'm dying here... it's not such a huge request...!

 

 

 

Do you ever seduce her?

[d24]

Do you ever seduce her?

 

Ok that's a strange question, but yes. I do give her compliments, I do spend a lot of time on foreplay, and like I said - I'm a very considerate lover and I love to go down - by most accounts I'd seem like a perfect boyfriend.

 

I'll try tonight to shower her with compliments and give her a wink and a slap on the ass playfully a couple times whilst whispering what i want to do to her and WHAT I WANT HER TO DO TO ME (maybe) lol.

 

I'll be as seductive as a man can be tonight... which can be hard... but like i said... there's nothing that i can think of that gives reason to this.... other than maybe she's gotten complacent and thinks she doesn't need to do it anymore? Anyone think that could be the case?

[sweetheart607]

who intiates sex most in the relationship is there any chance that she feels like you don't desire her (i don't know) but sometimes if i am the one who wants it all the time and i feel like my boy isn't as keen i kind of don't want to anymore kind of like i need him to take the driving seat and show me he does want me

[JoeWho]

Dude. This lady has a dong.

 

Haha... seriously had me laughing

[d24]

who intiates sex most in the relationship is there any chance that she feels like you don't desire her (i don't know) but sometimes if i am the one who wants it all the time and i feel like my boy isn't as keen i kind of don't want to anymore kind of like i need him to take the driving seat and show me he does want me

 

i'll admit i dont initiate very much - i'm ok with sex once a week, sometimes less. I haven't been 'horny for sex' (heh) since we started dating - but that's not because i find her undesireable - I just get what I need. She on the other hand would have sex every day and twice on weekends if she had the chance - and a month ago decided to stop initiating to see how often i initiate it. It's been on average once a week or so.

 

That may be a problem (because i said to her, i'm happy to go along with what she wants, and am always actively involved, and do end up enjoying it) but the main problem I'm 'complaining' about is that not only has she stopped giving me oral/hand gratification on her own initiative, but she's also refusing to do it when I ask her to.

 

I can't seem to understand the connection there unless it's that because we're not having as much sex as she'd like (or that im not initiating once a day) - is there a possiblity of her thinking that she's getting revenge over my not sexing, so she's stopped pleasing me in those ways?

 

or like i said before - could it be that after a year and a half or so, that she's just decided that she has me for good now, and doesn't NEED to give me oral/hand anymore?

 

 

 

Haha... seriously had me laughing

 

haha yeah i edited one of my posts to apologise ;-)

[sddeaston]

A woman wants you to take control in the bedroom (within reason, of course) so don't worry how you are asking her to do doggy, or any other position for that matter, just do it. Pull out, motion for her to get up and bend over....she won't say no. As for the other favors, if she used to do them for you, thats a problem.

 

Either you need to figure out the problem, and then the solution, or tell her you can find this stuff anywhere and show her the door. I hate it when women use sex as control, not gonna happen to me. Your choice if it happens to you though.

[d24]

agh i regret putting that doggy style thing (it was for example only - there's nothing wrong with my SEX life, from my POV, and you'd imagine there isn't from her POV either, as she's decided that she doesn't need it so much either)

 

The problem is she's done something for 16 months+ and now has stopped it. no warning or hint of an excuse why. i'm going to have to ask her straight out - but it's not an easy conversation to have:

 

"why don't you ever give me oral sex anymore"

 

any variation on that, even a please or a demand, or a threat, etc.... any way you pose that question it's going to be an uncomfortable one to ask (simpley because it's been about 3 months or more now).

 

so.... how do i ask without being pushy, and what could possibly be the reason why she's decided not to do this for me anymore (given the info in my other posts)?

 

I HATE it when women use sex as a weapon - it's destroyed one of my previous relationships and I fear it may do the same here -- and guys -- I'm honestly not being petty here - I'm feeling as though soemthing I've always had, always enjoyed and always 'want' has been taken away without any explanation - and i want to figure out why.

 

(plus, im desperate for one! heh)

[heloladies21]

When it comes to chicks, loss of sex drive equals one thing: loss of interest in you. It's merely a symptom of what her true emotions are. This can happen for so many reasons, would need to know more specifics ie. how you handle conflicts in the relationship.

 

She won't be able to give you an answer on the sex thing because she honestly doesn't know the reason why. It hasn't fully clicked in her mind, but once it does, that's when a break up happens.

[d24]

when you put it like that heloladies21 it does make me worry a little. Our relationship as a whole is good, our sex life (in my opinion is fine) but she has changed.

 

Thinking about it, her outlook on sex has changed drastically over the past few months:

 

She wants less and has flat-out stopped initiating, she is seemingly witholding things she's always done, i'm obviously sexually frustrated (even though i have a low sex drive!!) and there doesn't seem to be a reason why.

 

she's either using it s a weapon and ive done something wrong and not realised, she's getting complacent in our relationship, somehow her sex drive has changed, or leaves only one other thing in my mind. maybe she's cheating? *sighs* I don't think she would, but it sounds logical right? hopefully I'm reading too much into this - afterall, ALL I WANT IS A FRGN BJ ONCE A MONTH OR SO.

[sddeaston]

When it comes to chicks, loss of sex drive equals one thing: loss of interest in you. It's merely a symptom of what her true emotions are. This can happen for so many reasons, would need to know more specifics ie. how you handle conflicts in the relationship.

 

She won't be able to give you an answer on the sex thing because she honestly doesn't know the reason why. It hasn't fully clicked in her mind, but once it does, that's when a break up happens.

 

Completely, totally 100% agree with this.

 

Go out get some chicks phone number (your choice as to whether or not you use that number, I would not unless the relationship was over) and let her find it. In the mean time start working out (more if you already do) and forget about her as much as possible. I bet she will become interested again, or at least ask you whats wrong, which means she has observed the changes.

 

Or you can just break up with her because that part is almost inevitable at this point, unless you can peak her interest again and with women that is easier said than done. Sorry. But I did give you a suggestion as to how to possibly peak her interest again. Works for me everytime.

[tylercdurden2004]

Ok that's a strange question, but yes. I do give her compliments, I do spend a lot of time on foreplay, and like I said - I'm a very considerate lover and I love to go down - by most accounts I'd seem like a perfect boyfriend.

 

I'll try tonight to shower her with compliments and give her a wink and a slap on the ass playfully a couple times whilst whispering what i want to do to her and WHAT I WANT HER TO DO TO ME (maybe) lol.

 

I'll be as seductive as a man can be tonight... which can be hard... but like i said... there's nothing that i can think of that gives reason to this.... other than maybe she's gotten complacent and thinks she doesn't need to do it anymore? Anyone think that could be the case?

 

None of this is seducing.

 

If this is what you do plus some of the other stuff you have mentioned then I can only conclude her interest level in you has dipped below the line of no return. Unless you put some major work into this now.

[seashoremaine]

Based on her behavior (waiting for you to initiate) and what you have said, you both are playing games to try and get what you want. I would do the following:

 

1. Have an open and honest conversation about the subject. The main subject in my opinion is your difference in sex drive. This can kill a relationship. My wife is the same as you (would be happy sex once a week or less) and it's causing all sorts of problems. The main problem is probably not that she wants to have an orgasm every night, but that she wants to feel desired by you. You must express this desire for her frequently, in a passionate way, that does not always have to lead to sex.

 

2. Work on your sex drive. View some porn together, read some erotica every night instead of your usual book. Take time each day to just be alone and relaxed and think about sex, and whatever fantasies you have. masturbate occasionally. There is nothing wrong with having a low sex drive, just like there is nothing wrong with having a few drinks every night after work. However, if these things (drinking and low sex drive) start to interfere with your relationships, then it IS a problem. And just like drinking you can't just wake up one day and say I'm going to fix this. You need to have long term plan on how to change you behavior so your relationships are not negatively effected. The good news is that unlike giving up drinking where you feel you are loosing something, by raising your sex drive you are gaining something because sex is great and you can't have too much of a good, healthy thing!

[Nixee]

When it comes to chicks, loss of sex drive equals one thing: loss of interest in you. It's merely a symptom of what her true emotions are. This can happen for so many reasons, would need to know more specifics ie. how you handle conflicts in the relationship.

 

She won't be able to give you an answer on the sex thing because she honestly doesn't know the reason why. It hasn't fully clicked in her mind, but once it does, that's when a break up happens.

 

As a lady, and as someone who has been down a similar path before, I have to disagree with this a bit.

 

It can be the case that she is losing interest, but there can be other reasons as well. The key to knowing the difference is to honestly ask yourself, does she act different in other ways? Smile less? Less affectionate? Just less happy overall?

 

If she truly does seem happy with you in every other way, I'd lean towards a different reason.

It could very well be that despite her enthusiasm in the bedroom before, she's never really liked giving BJs. Now that you are deeper into your relationship and she feels you two are secure and committed, she might be (even unintentionally) taking you for granted and figuring that she doesn't need to do that anymore. And if she never actually liked it in the first place, it would be very natural for her to stop and instead just go for the stuff she wants. And if you are about to say "but she used to LOVE it!" I just urge you to stop for a second and really try to imagine if she truly did, or if maybe she was just acting a bit to impress you. I'm not saying that is for sure the case... but hey, she has stopped... signs kinda point to either she doesn't like head, or she doesn't like YOU that much... which would you rather it be?

 

If the former is the case, its going to take some gentle coaxing and lots of communication.

[d24]

well i talked to her last night - honest and open and as up-front as i could be.

 

she said there's nothing wrong, but after a few pokes it was the whole "i'm not feeling attractive because i've put on a bit of weight" thing - which didn't explain what I wanted, but it's got that in the open at least.

 

We argued a lot and almost broke up (we're about to move house and in the heat of the argument i told her to go live by herself, which i regret) but in the end we figured it out.

 

She wanted to have sex after but I couldn't be bothered, I definitely wasn't in the mood and it would have been forced rather than passionate make-up sex.... and through all this I'm thinking - as long as she realises that I have needs too (no matter how small they are) then it'll have been worth it. Lastly I tell her about my feeling that the oral sex has dwindled and i miss it, and she said she's sorry and didn't reealise.

 

This morning she said she's planning something sexy for tonight - I gave her an arched eyebrow in enquiry but she said no more. I've heard this before though - I'm hoping it gets sorted tonight.

 

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

Also: re: the porn thing, I think I will try that - we have watched blue movies together in the past but I really find it hard to engage with it on a sexual level, simply because the women are so fake. Maybe we've rented the wrong stuff?

[seashoremaine]

Seems like you guys made some progress. The fact that she did not know you were missing BJs and that you did not know she is feeling fat means that you guys are not talking enough. Keep talking and things will sort themselves out.

 

About there porn, there is stuff available with "real couples", etc. Much better than 90% of the over-acted crap that is out there. You may not be able to get it at the video store, but I bet you can rent it online or buy it if you have to.