Abusive Women

[Hotboy645]

Has anyone ever dealt with an abusive women. I actually feel weird even writing about this because I feel as if men cannot truly be abused. But I think I am in a very very abusive relationship. Or at least I was in a very abusive relationship. I think I should have seen the signs from the begginning because when we would have arguments she would go into a complete rage. She would call me a weak man, tell me she hates me, curse me and say every foul thing she could. I would never go back and forth with her and just let it slide. Then things would get worst she would try to attack me in from of my son or whoever was there when she was angry. I mean kick, bite, punch it really did not matter. She would trow things at me.

 

Of course I would forgive her and we would have passionate sex. I am not saying that I am squeaky clean but I never laid a hand or her or called her names or disrespected her. I stepped out of the relationship two years ago and cheated on her and since then she acts like a maniac. But she chose to forgive me and I made the necessary changes to make her feel secure. But I just feel like she has no respect for me anymore. The other day we had an argument about me wanting to go out. I told her I am going to hang out with my friends and she could not stop be and she spit me in my face. I grabbed her and told her are you crazy.

 

I left the house and of course forgave her and came back. All through this my son who is 15 months sees what is going on. The other day she was depressed about having hard times financially. She is very bad with money. So I told her I would pay all the house bills and her bills this month + give her $400 to help her. I called and debited all the bills and went to the bank to give her money. The next morning I awoke and she was complaining about me having to work on a Sunday. I told her we spoke about this and my boss needs me to work on a project.

 

She then goes to tell me that I need to ask her permission before I make decisions about working on the weekends. I then looked at her and told her she was not for me and left the house and packed my stuff. I miss my child like hell. Crazy as it sounds I miss her. I miss the good times. But when I think about it. We had good times when I did what she said and did not have a life of my own. Now she is taking me to child support which is fine. She is calling me and leaving nasty messages on my phone. She is bad mouthing me to everyone I know. I dont know but is there something I truly did wrong. I dont think anyone deserves to be spit on and hit no matter what. I dont know what to do. I feel like she looks at me as a weak man and has no respect for me. All I want to do is be there for her and my child but I cant.

[d24]

100th post, yipee!

 

it's all a result of the infidelity i'd imagine and she's become very nasty for it - as much as you want to be together i think you should have noticed by now that as much as she 'says' it's ok - it obviously isn't.

 

If you can't tell her she's changed without more arguments, if she's unwilling to change, and if you feel her behaviour is unacceptable I'd seriously consider leaving her.

 

On a side note - I too have been on the recieving end of some very harsh language and insults, and several punches/strangulation attempts. Not in a life-threatening way, more like throtteling. It makes me very angry and upset that she can't see what she's doing in her fits of rage - but like you said - you try to forgive and forget. I feel for you - get out if that's what you want, yeah?

[Hotboy645]

I left already but part of me is hoping this will change in time. But everyone that I have talked to says things don't change. Its better to walk away. Once someone in a relationship loses respect for the other. The relationship is over. The part that sucks is my child. I really wanted to be a part of his everyday life. With the anger his mother has for me I can't even see him right now. This hurts I cant even lie.

[ButterflyWrists]

People will probably hate me, but i have "abused" an ex boyfriend..

my reasons were i was scared he'd do what the ex before him did to me.. not a good reason i know..

 

But yes, stay away from this woman.. You can still see your child, and may even be able to have part coustardy over your child..

 

if you have any evidance over what this woman did to you, you may even be able to get full costardy..

 

hope it all works out for you.

 

GG

[itsallgrand]

Who have you talked to about this? Oy. This is going to be rocky. BUT, you do have a right to be in your child's life.

 

It's going to be a tricky thing, because of the infidelity and to be honest - some bias' still existing in this world

 

Can women be abusive? Oh yes! And she sounds the part.

 

Do check out the info here. There's some good stuff.

[Hotboy645]

That's the problem. When I talk to her about her anger and ask her why does she lash out like this. She says when I hit you it does not hurt. You cheating on me hurt me. "You broke my heart, You should be able to deal with this if you really want me".

[d24]

yeah sorry man, you need to get out.

i know it's a horrendous decision to have to make, and the sacrifices and angst it will cause you over your kid are going to be awful - but it needs to be done.

I'm sure she realises she's not being a nice person, it almost sounds as though by saying things were ok and then punnishing you from within a relationship that she's getting what she couldn't have had she dumped you back then -- revenge.

Unless she does counselling or can figure it out herself I couldn't envisage her changing.

 

Good luck dude.

[itsallgrand]

That's abusive talk. Don't listen to it.

 

I meant who have you talked to besides her? For help and support and insight into your options here?

 

Talking to someone who is in an abusive cycle is like toying with a fully-loaded machine gun. The only thing that can come of it is trouble.

[Hotboy645]

My cousin and her are best friends. Yesterday, my cousin calls me and says to me what ever decision you make please be careful. That she feels like the war has just begun between the both of us. My cousin said she does not want to get involved or choose sides but says to me "WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU STAY". Every member of my family has told me to get out. They said she was way too controlling and I don't seem happy at all. The truth is I am not at times. But spending time with my son and her makes it all worth it to me. I was never like this. I don't know what happened. I think it is the fact that I was married before and had a child and when we divorced the seperation from my child killed me. I dont want to go through that again.

[ivanhoe]

Hi,

 

Sadly I have experience of an abusive female partner, for me it started verbally with toxic comments followed by apologies and passionate sex. She would also tell me how sad she was and that if only I (me) did such and such or this and that it would be better. She came from an abusive past herself so it was hard for me to believe that she could inflict such hurt knowing what it felt like. The one thing she didn't do was spit in my face, that can't be nice. She did physically assault me on plenty of occasions only stopping to show me the red mark on her wrists where I had attempted to subdue her.

 

I spent 4 years trying to "fix" her by doing everything I could but she never changed and I don't believe they can without professional help. I only got out when the police got involved after she attacked my in a hotel and they believed her lies (she was a lawyer - get that) and warned me! And that was only after I'd lost my job, sold my property and pretty much lost all of my self respect and dignity.

 

I might sound cynical but my advice would be to get out. You might want to talk to her and tell her why but in my experience they rarely change. My thoughts are with you as you also have your child to consider.

[tylercdurden2004]

I dont really like the terms emotinal and psychological abuse when referring to 2 adults. Simply because as an adult you have a choice to leave the situation. Physical abuse is different because you are being detained.

 

You can choose if you want to endure this or not.

 

My guess from what you wrote is she is habouring some serious pain and anger over your action of stepping out of the relationship. She might very well be right you might be weak however you have a choice now.

 

Are you strong enough to make that choice consciously?

[ivanhoe]

Agreed Tyler, it was when I decided to take responsibility for my own actions that thing started to get better.

[tylercdurden2004]

Agreed Tyler, it was when I decided to take responsibility for my own actions that thing started to get better.

 

Yes. Its something many victims dont realize they have a choice whether they let others continue to abuse them.

 

For some its a longer road than other, but true none the less.

 

link removed

[itsallgrand]

But spending time with my son and her makes it all worth it to me. I was never like this. I don't know what happened. I think it is the fact that I was married before and had a child and when we divorced the seperation from my child killed me. I dont want to go through that again.

 

There's the vital information you need to know about your motivation to stay.

 

Knowing that, you can choose to look at new possibilities. Or not. It's up to you.

 

Also, might help for you to consider what you else you get by staying?

Does it keep your guilt at bay because you feel like you deserve her treatment?

Infinite possibilities there, for what you get for taking it...

[Hotboy645]

I guess you are all right. I know what needs to be done but I keep making excuses. Yesterday, she took my clothing and donated it to the salvation army because I left the house. I need to just walk away and don't look back. It just sucks because a child is involved. You guys have no clue.

[d24]

I guess you are all right. I know what needs to be done but I keep making excuses. Yesterday, she took my clothing and donated it to the salvation army because I left the house. I need to just walk away and don't look back. It just sucks because a child is involved. You guys have no clue.

 

Your kid is probably old enough to have some inkling of what's going on, so I agree - it is quite bad - but the sooner you get him out of this hostile environment the better.

 

You don't want him to grow up in such a negative environment do you?

 

The clothes thing would be enough on its own for me. Not only the cost, but the sentimental value some of my clothes hold. She's just a * * * * *. Sorry.

 

Again: Get rid. asap.

[Hotboy645]

Thank you all. I truly appreciate it. I think my guilt of cheating makes me stay. Just a though. She watches this show called "Snapped" everyday and says I am planning how to get away with murder. I laugh about it but now I am like she is crazy.

[sddeaston]

Dude, get your balls together be a man and leave her. 'Nuff said. Why put yourself and your child through this?

[Hotboy645]

Should I call her and talk about the situation as far as the child? Or just leave her be for now. I just want this situation to calm down and talk as adults.

[d24]

If the situations were reversed and it was a woman complaining about her man abusing her EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD would agree that she needed to get out ASAP. I'm sure you'd suggest the same thing.

 

If things have gotten to the point where you feel like you need to leave - do it. If not for you, or her, for your child.

[akazie]

I'm sorry but I don't believe the cheating is what made your partner abusive, I think she was always abusive. You said that you should have seen the signs from the beginning in relation to her anger. You did the right thing by leaving her, being in a relationship like this can really be a drain on your mental and physical health.

 

Did you save any of the nasty messages she has left you? They will be useful in the future when you go to court. Have you considered going for full custody of your child?

 

Should I call her and talk about the situation as far as the child? Or just leave her be for now. I just want this situation to calm down and talk as adults.

 

No, I think it would be better for you to do no contact with her and see a lawyer about custody rights. It would be a good idea if you do have any contact with her to do so with a third party present, you don't want to leave yourself open to any false accusations she might make up, you have to protect yourself. Good luck and keep us updated.

[cattykins85]

It sounds bad...and that is coming from someone who has abused her partner and he left. But, unlike you, my partner hit me back and I don't believe that she should use the excuse that she hits and shouts at you because you left her. There is no excuse for abuse. i used the excuse that I was stressed and when my ex refused to understand me I sometimes, not always, hit him. If everyone in the world hit someone else when they were stressed or afraid or upset because their partner cheated on them, the world would be filled with billions of battered men and women. Does she abuse you daily? Or is it every now and then? Actually, regardless of how many times she abuses you, she should not do it. You sound like a good guy who made a mistake and you should leave, as much as it hurt me and hurts me to this day that my ex left me, its for the best. Especially as you have a child with this women.

[ivanhoe]

I would also suggest keeping a detailed journal of incidents, date, time place & details.

[GaryA]

Verbal and emotional abuse is a terrible thing and nobody deserves it.

[morayeels4eva]

Leave her now! And please take the kid! Abuse is never ok. You deserve a better life and there is nothing to justify her hurting you like this, and just because you're a man, doesn't mean your feelings, your life and your mental and physical well being any less important than a woman's. If men and women are to be equal, violence must not be tolerated from either side. And you have a child to think about. If you don't care about yourself, at least get out and take the kid. Violence is the last thing that child needs.

Please think it over. I know it's hard, but you're worth it and so is your kid!