Enough is enough..right?

[JUSTBLUE]

Here is a link to a post of mine or a bit of backound info if your interested to know

 

We were never together..but the painfull feelings are still the same.

 

Hadnt seen eachother for quite a while but the communication was real good.

Aslong as i saw him making a effort for communication i made an effort.

 

Communication had been good hed hinted to see me so i took the risk to say "hey ill come see u..! He was soo happy at that.

 

Spent alovely eve at his was very affetionate with me, had to be 'touching' me in someway i.e rub on my back, playin with my hair hand on my leg, met his mum , was very couply with me around her...Can u see how this plays with my mind?

We did end up havin sex.

In the morn too WE WERE going to..BUT i did something quite mean..i got him' hot' then i straight out refused him.

I didnt set out to do that to him, it was NOT my intention..but he said something and it ignited something in me to become defnsive..my intial reaction was to act the way i did. (regretably)

 

ALL the resentment, the hurt, the whole hot/cold hes been with me..came up and i reacted in that cruel childish way..i guess i felt in control.

 

He turned his back moodily and went to sleep.

Hour later he turned round to cuddle up to me.

We spent till 1pm together that afternoon, he didnt tell me to leave i left on my own accord.

 

I always remind myself after seeing him that HE DOESNT WANT ME AND NEVER WILL...Knowing this i put myself back into friendzone with him and create a lil distance.

 

Two days later we are talkin via msn.

Its okay till i mention when i was there.

He tells me its best if he never see's me again..i act too 'funny around him' and i wind him up to much it makes him not want to spend time with me.

Apparently im ALWAYS winding him up when we are together , its EVERYTHING ABOUT ME ,HE CANT REMEMBER WHEN SEX LAST GOOD WITH ME ...

Alot of his accusations made no sense to me at all.

When i questioned stuff he just asked me to drop it.

I treated him like sh**..appently...BUT

 

I have seen him nomore then 4 times THIS YEAR!

The sex ON MY PART has been exprimental to say the least hes damn lucky im open to that considering the circumstances.

... How can i wind him up? The way he was going on was as if i was his live-in girlfriend who irritated the hell out of him.

 

 

Anyway everythin that came out in that conversation was NEGATIVE ALL NEGATIVE about me, not a good word was said about me..not even "your a nice girl but...Not even "its not u its me..."

 

So anyway he said he dont wanna be part of my 'head f***' games and we should leave it now.

He said i can call him whenever i like and we cant spend together as friends as hes says we seriously could never do that.

I asked if that would make him happy and he didnt answer.

 

I told him i loved him (never said that to him before) and if this was what would make him happy..then i have to let him be.

He said he had love for me too but said whats that got to do with it.

I said love has a lot to do with it when u have to walk away from someone u love coz u care about there happiness.

 

Alot more was said but i wont bore you with them details.

 

I know my choices have put me where i am now.

I can put my hands up and apologise for my actions to certain situations i could of handled better.

 

He refuses to share the blame for ANY OF THIS and has put it all on ME.

I have not been intouch since and even tho i know he thinks im still here and as said i can still call him whenever i like..i wont.

 

It really hurts to walk away and jus become invisible and this is what im doing..im not even telling him.

It hurts so much that all that came out of his thoughts was pure negative about me, after all this time...he doesnt think theres anything positive about me at all.

 

 

Im doin the right thing ..right?

Its been 10 days now ive stayed off my msn completely (altho i see him log in sometimes i just stay appearing offline)

Ive not txt /called and have zero intention too.

 

I try not to think about the stuff he said but its hard i feel like the worst female in the world....am i really to blame for ALL this is it ME?

I hate myself just as much as he appears to hate me..

 

Sorry if this is muddled or the post isnt clear and thankyou for taking a few mins to read my post..any thoughts are welcome xx

[Lana0120]

It isn't all your fault and you're doing the right thing by walking away and going the NC route.

[JUSTBLUE]

Im tryin so hard to see all the negative in him.

Its hard i know i love this guy...focusing on the negative is helping me through..is this counter -productive, y' know, foucusing on his negatives..will it make me bitter?

[Lana0120]

I think it depends. If you spend all your time thinking about all the bad stuff he did to you, than yes, this is counter-productive. It's best to force yourself to think of other things, because you have to start putting him to the back of your mind, to be able to move on. However, if you start thinking about the good things and they make you tempted to go back to him... that is definitely the time to remind yourself of why you aren't still together.

[JUSTBLUE]

Thankyou so much for ur replies.

I suppose if im honest i been focusing on the fact that He has said he never wants to see me again in person..EVER again..THAT right here motivates me no have zero contact.

But more tha fact that he said ITS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

 

If i disgust someone so much then it doesnt motivate me at all to wanna know them...Im so hurt he could say that.

 

Do u think after i declined sex it made him feel rejected,so much to the point he wants to hurt me just as bad?

[Lana0120]

I think that he is just saying things to hurt you and that understandably, it's working.

[JUSTBLUE]

Or maybe its hit him that i really am worthless to him..and is just being straight up honest.

I guess i have to take his words as truth.

 

It hurts very much but i will never let on..

[Lana0120]

The way I see it is that his words are worthless. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to take them to heart.

[JUSTBLUE]

Thankyou 4 your support lana.

 

Its hard not to take them to heart.

Why would he want to hurt me like that

In a way i want him to apologise of show somekind of remorse...BUT i dont think that wil happen.

In his mind i some kind of negative person in his life...i think hes convinced of this.