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Want my 2 loves back. As FRIENDS

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Two guys I love the most now seem to hate me. I want them back. AS MY FRIENDS again.


FIRST GUY: My ex of 12 yrs. We had a less-than-friendly breakup 3 yrs ago., but eventually became the very best of friends up until this year. During this close friendship stage, we agreed on no sex with each other anda "don't ask dont tell" policy regarding who we're currently dating/seeing. We basically stuck to it until last spring, when I met the guy below. See, my ex basically suspected that this new "friend" of mine was something more than a "friend" (which was true). However I denied it, only to prevent my ex from becoming hurt or jealous. In essense, he was asking me to violate our "dont ask dont tell" policy. But when he hacked into my email accts to discover that this guy was, indeed, someone I was falling in love with, he broke off our friendship saying we're "done" because I lied to him. (Despite the fact we havent been lovers in 3 years, yet he still got jealous over this and still is jealous).We're currently in NC.


SECOND GUY: This guy I started falling in love with behind my ex's back. We had a decent friendship (I was hoping for more, and expressed it to him). He always maintained that he "needs more time" and that he doesnt wanna be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, but he loves the things we do together. During this time, I frequently only asked that if he were to develop feelings for anyone else, please please just be honest & tell me so that I'll know how to deal with it and move on. Fast forward to two weekends ago, I discovered he did exactly that--fell for someone else, but didnt tell me (even denied it!) because he wanted to "spare" my feelings. I had a good conversation with this other person and explained the type of disrespectful and self-centered jerk he is. This other person effectively lost all interest in my guy when I revealed some true info about him. As a result, my guy now despises me because he feels i'm too jealous, to the point that I "messed things up" between he and this other girl. He truly is a jerk at times. But I love and miss our good times anyway. I dont miss his deception when he kept telling me to "wait" and give him more time. I just feel he, in his heart, knew he'd never be interested in anything more. Yet, I still wanna be his friend, and ONLY his friend again.


So now I've lost my very best friend (my ex), and I lost the second guy. I'm so lonely right now. I want them both back in my life, but I do not know if I should contact either of them.



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Here's what I'm getting from your description:


Guy #1: got jealous when you developed a romantic interest in someone other him and hacked into your email account to check up on you.


Guy #2: flat out told you he didn't want to be in a relationship and (quoting you) "is truly a jerk at times"


Neither one of these guys sounds like a good candidate for friendship. I'd hazard a guess that guy #1 may still harbor some hope of getting back together with you. If I am wrong, and he doesn't, it's a little creepy that he gets jealous enough to be hacking into your email. I'd have a hard time maintaining a friendship with someone who showed such blatant disrespect for my privacy.


As for guy #2...anytime a guy tells you he "doesn't want to be in a relationship" take him at his word. Don't stick around hoping he'll change his mind. If he says he doesn't want to be in a relatonship it means one of two things:

1. He really doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone

2. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you

When he plays the "wait and give me more time" card, I'm hearing: "If no better option comes along and I get horny enough, you'll do."


Either way, if you want a relationship with him, you're not going to get what you want. Move on. If he changes his mind, he'll come find you.


BTW, you're not off the hook here, either. That whole going behind guy #2's back and telling the girl he was interested in what a jerk he is wasn't cool. I can understand why he's upset with you....even if what you told that girl was the absolute truth. (And if that was the case, why on earth would YOU be interested in him?)


I really don't see what there is to be gained by letting either of these men back into your life...other than having "somebody" around so you don't feel lonely. Even at that, you have other options...such as going out and meeting some new people or getting in touch with other people you know and perhaps haven't seen in a while.


I think you could benefit from taking some time and really thinking about what "friendship" means to you. Right now, I suspect some of your ideas about friends and appropriate behavior for them aren't very clear or aren't the helathiest ideas you could have. You're putting up with some serious disrespect from guy #1 (hacking into your email), some "you're good enough for now" crap from guy #2, and engaging in some some not terribly "friendly" behavior yourself (trying to get the other girl to not be interested in him).

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I don't think the friendship between you and Guy#1 is pure friendship. As he still feels jealousy and concerned about your new relationship. To some extent, you both still have feelings for each other and that is not healthyfor long term.


That's why I chose NC now even my ex tried to be a "good friend" of mine. I don't think I'll be okay to ignore the feelings in the past.

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