I found out 2 days before the WEDDING!!!

[ElishaE]

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

[YabbaDabba]

Please, please don't be embarrassed. This is definitely not your fault. In fact, from what you've written here, it sounds like he has some personal issues to work out. I know it sounds trite and empty, but you probably got off easy this way. Okay, maybe "easy" isn't the right word, but at least this saved you some grief down the road.

 

Also, I think you should just focus on moving on. Not only does this guy sound a bit unstable (honestly, why would he give you a false address?), he seems a bit selfish from what you've written here. On top of that, he doesn't sound very sincere about his apologies considering he didn't follow through on his promise to call you to talk. That and that ALONE would be enough, imo, to give up on this guy.

 

Move on--telling some of your closest friends will probably help the process. Mind you, you don't want to tell people who are going to spread rumors or what not, but being with people who truly love and care for you will really help.

[ElishaE]

Thanks YabbaDabba, you said some things that really make sense, I guess I feel like I need to hear it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN before it really starts to sink in... you know? Moving forward and getting sucked back into the analyzing and asking questions, is a back and forth process... I feel like I'm waiting for one BIG wise word to give me that AUH HAH moment to propel me forward and to never look back... how can i stop from back sliding, or disconnect as easily as he did? It seems REALLLY easy for him. I wish I could switch it on and off like him. The other thing is what if he calls and I suggest trying "again"!...

[crossflow]

Thank god it was 2 days before and not 2 days after. This is so not your doing and it seems like you are in a state of disbelief and that's why you are going through everything and analysing everything.

 

It's not your fault and I suggest you take a step back from this for a while and just try and work around what you want, how you feel etc. Certainly wouldn't suggest it was a good idea to try again until you do.

 

Something is not right here for sure, the fake contact details should be setting off alarm bells.

 

Don't let him mess you around, work to YOUR timeframe and YOUR needs and if he can't deal with that, that's his problem not yours.

 

Dig you heels in deep, hold yer head high and make him wait.

 

If he respects you he will and maybe you can sort this out, otherwise he's not worth it, if he doesn't respect you now he's not going to.

[Orlander]

Well, we dont know many details about what happened but I can say that if you feel it is over, then focus on moving forward and putting him and that past behind you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How did you find out about his infidelity? Is it possible he is living with this other woman right now, hence the secrecy? I can't even imagine how devastating this is for you, but like the others said, better you found out before the wedding than after. Eventually you will begin to trust men again. Right now just do things that make you happy...get involved in a hobby, in work, in an activity...whatever...to keep your mind from re-hashing things. There is no easy answer to dealing with the pain...you just have to go through the process of grieving this relationship and the betrayal. It will get easier over time.

[thisishell]

Your being way too hard on yourself. This is not your fault. When your ex decided to cheat, he was already disconnected from your relationship. He may have had weeks or months to disconnect himself, and thus, it seems to you that he just disconnected at the time the wedding was called off. In my situation, my girlfriend ended a 3.5 year relationship to persue someone else and one of the hardest things to accept was how easily she moved on, until I realized that she had already moved on. I just didn't see it. One thing I have found that has helped the most is going "No Contact", no answering the phone, emails, sending emails, texting, checking out myspace. It is the hardest thing I have ever done but it has helped me try and move on. I'm not there yet but I am seeing a ray of light at the end of the tunnel and with time you will be grateful and appreciate that you stood up and ended this relationship. He is not stable, trustworthy or a man of integrity. Is this who you want to share the rest of your life with?

[ElishaE]

Thanks everyone. "Thisishell", thank you for your words, they are very encouraging. There is something powerful about people who have been through similiar situations and knowing you are not alone. Someone asked how I found out 2 days before the wedding... this girl sent his email back to him that he wrote two weeks prior. She did not reply, his email was just sent back and when he we were looking at a Card I sent him in his email, he got up and I checked his junk mail folder where I found the email. At first he tried to hide it, then he admitted he like having his ego stroked by this girl. I later found that he had been spending a lot of time with this girl, talking in person, on the phone, and latest, via email. The email I read that he sent her was similiar to the emails he sent me in the past. Calling her precious and for her to think about him and hoped she like the pics he sent her...he even told her to respond via another email address for now on...

If he wasn't caught, who knows where we'd be now. We tried to work it through but with my pain and his guilt, we only fought. We tried counselling but inside I think we both knew is was better to separate. We still loved each other and he wanted me to go with him to another country like we had originally planned (for this year anyway), but I sent him away earlier than he was suppose to go, and he has only called me once and emailed me twice (short and vague). In a way it makes it easier if he doesn't contact me again, but I love him SOOO much and I feel such an intense sense of loss and rejection and pain...it is DEVESTATING!!!! My wedding dress is in the closet and I have put a blanket over all of the other prewedding stuff, but one minute my dreams are about to come true, and the next I am in a nightmare I can't seem to escape. I keep asking why? I thought he was "THE ONE". And now, my world is upside down and turned around. I am suppose to be taking courses and studying, but I can't concentrate, and I don't have a desire for anything right now...nothing seems to matter anymore... Is this normal? Will this pass? ARe there men out there who are faithful...truly faithful?...through good times and bad? I thought I was looking for the signs prior, and I was certain this was a man of character!!! What happened? Things seemed to be good with us... How do you carry on with meaning, with life?

[ElishaE]

God is good! I just met another girl tonight who went through something similiar. She prayed with me and I have felt MORE PEACE than I have felt during this whole mess. There is such healing power in the grace of God, prayer and scripture!!! This is my next step. I'll update later...