how would you react to this? please respond, i'm desperate.

[brooooooooke]

So I posted a while ago about this girl that was in one of my boyfriend's classes that i thought he liked due to flirty myspace comments and him puting her on his top 8 and everything.

 

He swore up and down to me he didn't like her[he still does] and my gut was just telling me that there was something with them. You know that feeling.

Anyway though, I had really gotten over it until like 3 days ago we started talking about it and it ended up in him telling me that he had a dream that they had sex and then went and told her about it.

 

I got more upset than i had been in my entire life. I almost broke up with him, i cried so freaking hard. He swears he only told her that because he thought it was funny. How is that funny?

 

Would anyone else question the motives behind that? What would you think if your boyfriend had a dream that he had sex with the one girl that you just knew he had a crush on and then told her about it.

 

It sucks that he had that dream, it's like what were you thinking throughout the day? but i'm not even mad about that. i have dreams that i cheat on him too but i know i can't control it and i don't think twice about them. but he feels the need to go and tell the person it was with..

 

and it also sucks because she left this comment on one of his myspace pictures where he was like at his mom's house and she was like "that hallyway, huh? and that's because he told me that in the dream they had sex in a hallway...

 

god, it makes me hate him so bad.

[Lana0120]

One thing for him to dream about her - everyone has dreamed about someone else than their significant other. I agree with you though, that it was out of order of him to share that dream with her. It was very inconsiderate of him and I can understand why you are questioning his motives. *Hugs*

[EvaGina]

argh

totally disrespectfull of him.

 

the dream is something he should have kept quiet about, but to tell her, then publicly flirt with her about it?

 

I would be so hurt.

 

Even if they havnt done anything, he is still leading her on, knowing that she likes him.

Its disrespectfull and unfair, especially as he knows how you feel.

 

This is what I would do, I would confront him, tell him rationally and calmly (rehearse your speech and ask him not to interuppt) that it makes you uncomfortable, that he knows that and that although you know that asking him to forsake friends isnt notmally a thing you would do, he knows how you feel and has crossed a pretty definate line with his actions.

 

You woudl appreciate if he got in touch with her and told her without a doubt that nothing was going to happen, that he deleted the message and that he stopped all unappropriate behaviour.

 

Dont cry... if he starts to get all shirty, just remind him that you treat him with a certain level of respect and that you expect it back. That if he is not willing to give it to you, you wont make a huge song and dance, you will just leave.

 

Seriously button, you dont need to be scared like this.

[Batya33]

He lacks common sense and tact. He was wrong to tell you or anyone else about the dream and obviously that woman is correct to assume he told her because he is attracted to her. I would seriously consider ending things because given his lack of tact or common sense do you really want him to know personal things about you or to be around your friends or family?

[tylercdurden2004]

Totally disresepctful.

[Fruitfull1]

He was so trying to get a reaction out of her to see what she would say and then go from there to TRY or ATTEMPT to persue his "dream".......IF he gets the reaction from her that he was looking for.

[Mavis VDSande]

I'm with everyone here. I would be totally pissed if my bf did this, knowing how unhappy I was about the situation in the first place. He's insensitive to your needs and it was not edifying for anyone.

 

I would consider whether he's worth it. And if you think he is I would have a discussion with him. The bottom line is, no matter how big or small a deal this is to him, it hurts you, so he should stop it. It's not funny.

 

I would also keep a bit of distance, to get some perspective on things. Actually I'd probably be a bit too busy in the next week or so and look after myself and hang out with my girlies.

[brooooooooke]

it's a crazy battle between mind and heart.

when i picture myself not dating him i want to cry and can never picture myself without him, and then when i think about this situation it's the TOTAL opposite feeling.

[tylercdurden2004]

it's a crazy battle between mind and heart.

when i picture myself not dating him i want to cry and can never picture myself without him, and then when i think about this situation it's the TOTAL opposite feeling.

Use your mind. Its what keep you out of trouble. Most of the time.

[Nixee]

Ugh... I think you are 100% correct to be upset. That was very inconsiderate of him.

 

He needs to understand that even if he does have that kind of easy-going, joking friendship with her, this sort of sharing can potentially hurt someone else, and he should have thought about that.

 

It seems like there are two possibilities here.

Either a) he really is only friends with her, and he is completely comfortable in his relationship with you. So comfortable in fact, that he didn't even stop to think how this might affect you. In other words... he really is a doofus.

Or.. b) he does have a crush on her, and perhaps isn't ready to admit it to himself, or to you.

 

Having recently come out of this exact situation (right down to them leaving myspace comments back and forth...), I'm more likely to believe option b is the case. Having a crush on someone else, or even dreaming about someone else, isn't necessarily a bad or abnormal thing. But failing to communicate it, while drawing closer to the object of desire... pretty soon this can become an emotional affair, which actually is a type of cheating, and very quickly leads to something physical.

 

Things to look at are whether or not he is still close to you and affectionate with you, still shares things intimately with you, or whether he seems a bit distant.

 

It sounds like you and him need to have a serious talk. But if you do, be careful... because if he really does have the best of intentions, you don't want to make him angry or scare him off by appearing overly jealous or needy. You just need to be honest.

 

Sorry, hun... I feel for ya. I know that queasy just-betrayed feeling very well.

[ryan123]

I'm sure this has crossed your mind...

 

But i'd be curious if he mentioned that to her to see her reaction. Like to see if she was disgusted or turned on to maybe give him some idea if she would ever be willing to do the deed with him.

 

Just my cynical mind at thought...

[Dako]

Lots of people ignore the warning signs.

Don't join them.

[Mavis VDSande]

it's a crazy battle between mind and heart.

when i picture myself not dating him i want to cry and can never picture myself without him, and then when i think about this situation it's the TOTAL opposite feeling.

 

Not really - to me at least. It's a question of affection, appreciation and compromise. Do Not Back Down from where YOU STAND.

 

Your bf needs to know - now - and FAST - that you do NOT ACCEPT this kind of behaviour. He is not going to walk all over you with this.

 

You do not need a man who's not man enough to be considerate of your feelings and be mature. If he's like this and he enjoys upsetting you, then you really can live without him.

 

Don't mentally shrink the problem because you're scared of a break-up. If he loves you truly and needs you and is genuine, you won't break-up, it'll be cool.

 

If you don't stand your ground now, he'll do it again and again and hell - he'll have more dreams about her and so on.

[barbielovesmac]

I'd be FURIOUS! Ok - he had a sex dream about her, but was it totally nessacary to run and tell her? NO WAY!

 

She doesn't need to know that information and quite frankly I don't think you do either.

 

That was disrespectful of him. It shows a lack of respect.

[sddeaston]

He was so trying to get a reaction out of her to see what she would say and then go from there to TRY or ATTEMPT to persue his "dream".......IF he gets the reaction from her that he was looking for.

 

Totally agree with this.

 

I have to add, too Brooke, that I see the trend of your posts. Do you really need a boyfriend that puts you this on edge? Or does not allow you to feel secure in your relationship?

 

If it is your normal self to be this way when in a relationship, are you sure you should be in one at this time? This must be incredibly hard to deal with, No?

[mongolia]

i personally don't want to know about any of my fella's sex dreams, but he's considerate. that seems pretty normal.

 

if he did happen to tell me about some crazy dream involving tina turner in her wacky stilt-house in the thunderdome, i'd giggle and forget about it. if he told me had a sex dream involving someone we knew, i'd be slightly upset (mostly because he had told me.) if she was someone he was interested in, i'd feel slighted and pretty hurt. if he then told her, i would find that to be a betrayal. to then let that progress to joking and flirting about the dream would be completely unacceptable. i would say, though, that in my situation, i would try very hard to work through it. that behavior would be out of character for my bf and i would have to think of it as a slip. an extremely hurtful and inconsiderate slip, but a one-time thing nonetheless. i would try to fix it and any underlying issues between us before taking drastic action.

 

so i guess you need to decide whether his behavior is typical or not. if he skirts trust issues like this often, then maybe it's not just a mistake. if this is typical behavior for him, you probably need to rethink the relationship. be strong for yourself.

[brooooooooke]

it really isn't typical behavior for him at all. i honestly believe that he would never cheat on me and he has told me that so many times and i know this isn't cheating but it's still that kind of betrayed feeling, you know?

 

and it is really out of character from him. he has never done anything like this to me ever in the 11 months we were dating. i mean he once told me a porn star was a crush of his and i got upset but i mean..it's a porn star and leonardo dicaprio is a crush of mine but its not like i want to date him.

so i got over that rather quickly.

 

he has apologized to me so excessively [but not bad excessively] and has deleted her from his myspace friends and told me that he would tell her that he didn't mean anything by what he said and he's cried and i am trying really really hard to forgive him. we hung out last night and it was so amazing. it's like when we're together and he's constantly trying to hug me and everything it really hurts me to just sit there and watch him do it and not respond. so we ended up having a really fun night last night. so when i'm with him mostly it's like i forgive him. but then when i am alone and think about it, it starts all over.

 

and i am so so insecure. like really bad. and he is my first real boyfriend, so i'm not sure if this is typical behavior from me but knowing myself it probably is.

 

and also, i found out yesterday that she is in 2 of his classes this year at school. and he told me he wants to get them switched because he hates her now that this happened..

 

bleh.

[tylercdurden2004]

Brooke

 

You are making excuses.

[brooooooooke]

Brooke

 

You are making excuses.

 

what excuses am i making?

[auuuuuuuuztin]

I am so sick of this site. You people are ridiculous to come here giving people advice about THEIR emotions and relationship problems. You can't even begin to fathom the things we are going through. And I know damn well that I am the one that messed everything up. But, I would never do anything to hurt her. And I really don't care what you people think. There are only a select few people on here that have given realistic advice.

 

Sure, you may think to yourself, "This is what I would do in this situation." But, until YOU have felt what SHE feels or what I feel... Shut your mouths.

 

I know that what I did was completely out of line and idiotic. To me, it was a joke. I never liked her, and I never will. She is nothing. I had the girl of my dreams and I screwed it up with my lack of common sense.

 

Brooke confronted me about it a while back and I tried to blow it off because I THEN realized (after finding out that she hated the other girl and thought that I had a crush on her) how upset it would make her, and even myself if I were to find that out.

 

Then when she confronted me about it again I lied to her. I lied to the girl that I love. The girl that I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with. But, I couldn't bare knowing what I had done and I told her minutes later what really happened. This was 4 days ago. We have been fighting off and on every since.

 

And now I've probably lost her. I don't know why she would want to be with me after I lied to her and did what I did.

 

But, whether or not she chooses to continue to date me or not, I stand by what I said. I never liked that girl. It was just a joke to me. I was joking with a friend about how that would never happen. She is not attractive and is quite annoying.

 

I never thought that this would ever happen. I love Brooke so much and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I know that's what it seems I have done here, but it isn't.

 

I love you Brooke.

 

 

 

I just sent this message to the other girl over myspace. I'm not expecting a reply.

 

When I told you of the dream that I had, it was (to me) completely a joke and nothing more. I have never liked you and if I have ever given you reason to believe that I did, or reason to believe I was flirting with you, it was a mistake and untrue.

 

Whether or not you feel anything about me, I would like you to now stop. I am losing my relationship with the girl of my dreams because of you. Whether or not it be your fault is your opinion. But I am ready to end all contact with you forever to keep my girlfriend.

 

Even if she does choose to break up with me, I would still like it to remain that way.

[tylercdurden2004]

Guess you and Brooke will have to sort out the funny factor of the joke.

 

Good luck.

[Nixee]

First off, don't go attacking the people posting here... that isn't fair. Brooke came here asking for input. And people here gave it. No one butted in, she wanted advice, so it was given. You tell people not to talk about it until they have felt it, but did you ever stop to think that most of the people here HAVE felt such things before, and that is why they are here to begin with?

 

OK.... that said.. I do applaud you for stepping forward like this though. It shows you have the cahones, so to speak, to actually defend your feelings and explain yourself. I said in my own post to Brooke earlier that it sounded like if you didn't have a crush on that girl, then the other option was just an honest bad decision.

 

And so that's what you claim it to be. Hopefully if you two work it out, at least you will have learned from this. Good luck to the both of you.

[auuuuuuuuztin]

I know that. And I am sorry to anyone that I offended. I was really upset then and am sorry that I said that. I have a hard time being mad for long and I easily regret things.

[tylercdurden2004]

I know that. And I am sorry to anyone that I offended. I was really upset then and am sorry that I said that. I have a hard time being mad for long and I easily regret things.

 

Would it be fair to say you have an issue of self control.

 

You know with the joke and this and all?

[auuuuuuuuztin]

Would it be fair to say you have an issue of self control.

 

You know with the joke and this and all?

 

 

I see that I have offended you.

And I will not deny my issue of self control.

 

Now, don't go using my admittance of lack of self control against me though.

 

[i can see someone saying that I will be a bad boyfriend because of it]