Just Irritated

[bexcelant]

Ok, I have a friend I met 7 years ago and she's blonde and I'm Asian. I'm not bad looking at all and I've had many girls tell me that and wanted to go out with me. I tried to date her but she would only tell me that she didn't date outside her race. I'm probably in the dreaded friendzone now..but now just the other day she tells me she's dating an Indian guy so now..this just burns me. Not sure what to do or make of it.

[Dako]

She simply doesn't want to date you.

If she'd said she was married, busy or uninterested, the result would be the same.

[bexcelant]

She simply doesn't want to date you.

If she'd said she was married, busy or uninterested, the result would be the same.

 

Ya guess you're right. Still this whole business of using that as an excuse is piss poor. Then turning around and doing the other deal. She could have used a different excuse. The uninterested one would have been better instead of pulling that BS. I also feel that when she was younger she was immature and has gotten to another level. She once told me that her family would not accept it and that she couldn't go against her family.

 

It's been a long time...I guess I don't care one way or the other but...now I'm wondering if I even need this person in my life.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Ok, I have a friend I met 7 years ago and she's blonde and I'm Asian. I'm not bad looking at all and I've had many girls tell me that and wanted to go out with me. I tried to date her but she would only tell me that she didn't date outside her race. I'm probably in the dreaded friendzone now..but now just the other day she tells me she's dating an Indian guy so now..this just burns me. Not sure what to do or make of it.

 

When did you ask this girl out?

[bexcelant]

I go out with her all the time. Dinners, phone, take her to the airport. etc. I did ask her out for real about 7 years ago and have had conversations about it and she always pulled the same crap line of can't date you cause you're not the same race.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It's been a long time...I guess I don't care one way or the other but...now I'm wondering if I even need this person in my life.

 

If it's been a long time, maybe she had a change of heart.

 

I know my girlfriend was like "I'd never date an Indian guy. I'd never date a coworker. I'd never date until I'm out of school."

 

Well, I proved her wrong; on all three accounts.

 

I wouldn't sweat what someone said a long time ago. People change, and they are entitled to changing their minds.

[bexcelant]

Ok, then I'll ask you Lost, what did you do?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Ok, then I'll ask you Lost, what did you do?

 

I acted like I was a crack-dealer. Gave her the first hit for free.

 

Seriously.

 

I gave her attention, talked to her, etc. But she really wouldn't give me the time. We went out as friends once, but that was it.

 

Then I got a girlfriend and took that all away from her.

 

She instantly wanted what she couldn't have.

 

All of a sudden, all the "maybes" became "yeses." Eventually I broke up with the other girl, and went out with this girl.

 

It wasn't as crass as I described it, but it was the basic premise.

[Tethys]

It could have been an excuse because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. It could be that she has just changed over the years. You said it was seven years ago that she turned you down, but did you ask her out again in recent memory?

[LostInMyThoughts]

It could have been an excuse because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. It could be that she has just changed over the years. You said it was seven years ago that she turned you down, but did you ask her out again in recent memory?

 

To bring up race as an excuse, is a REALLY insensitive thing to do, especially for those of us who aren't white.

 

As much progress as we've made in racism, there is still much to do.

 

I understand how the OP feels; but I think that he shouldn't necessarily hold this girls change of heart against her.

[Tethys]

For some reason I thought she said she COULDN'T date outside her race (so I was thinking family, religion stuff), but I went back and reread the OP. He did say she said she "didn't" which has a much different connotation.

 

Sorry about that, you are right.

[Gratsy]

I think you'd have more a chance if you date another person. But she might just plainly have another reason that she doesn't want to date you.

[bexcelant]

Could be a lot of things but from my take, my timing is bad as usual. 7 years ago, she probably wouldn't give this guy a chance no matter what. Today she is ok with it.

 

We both know each others quirks, good parts and bad parts. Pretty hard to start Chemistry in the friendzone y'know. She's even told me as much. She want's that passionate high you get when you meet someone new. Well..I can't do that anymore. I'm that old worn out shirt that ya wear cause it's comfortable but it's out of style...then you go to the store and find the new fashionable trend shirt and ya have to have it. You'll spend $200 dollars on it cause it's cool.

[Shin kensen]

she didn't date outside her race.

 

What a bint.

[Gratsy]

I can understand that...maybe you should go out and do interesting things away from her to capture her interest...I can understand wanting passion.

[bexcelant]

Well, its been almost a month since I've talked to her. She has IM'd, emailed, and called me to find out what is bugging me. I have really dodged all her questions because I can't really find a way to bring up what is really bugging me without having this blow up into WWIII. She wants to talk, well in my mind no matter what I say will it change the situation? Probably not. Will she say ok, I wont date the other guys, I've been so wrong I want to date you. Doubt very much that will happen. Will she say, I was wrong for being racist with you. Well maybe. Will that make me feel any better?

 

I will still be her male girlfriend. The question is, do I want to be in that role while she goes off and dates this other guy. Unless someone here can tell me that there is a better way to handle this, I am not sure what to do and will likely remain silent as to what is really bothering me. She wants to know but I can't really see for the life of me what benefit it would be to have that conversation.

[Gratsy]

You sound like you've assessed the situation for what it is. I think you have more of a chance ronatically if you cut her off but I could be wrong. You need to make her miss you and feel like you are exciting. Don't be the same old same old...change a little.

[bexcelant]

You sound like you've assessed the situation for what it is. I think you have more of a chance ronatically if you cut her off but I could be wrong. You need to make her miss you and feel like you are exciting. Don't be the same old same old...change a little.

 

Well I have cut her off. She keeps calling me with phone numbers I've never seen before. I just tell her I'm busy or I don't want to talk about it. It's really been about a month since I've stopped talking to her. Last time she got mad and said it wasn't fair and that she wanted a chance to talk it out.

 

I fail to see what talking it out will accomplish. Let me see...

 

a: Go back to things exactly as they were but this time I'm pissed.

 

b: We talk and I tell her how I feel and we still are distant. I am still pissed.

 

c: We talk and I tell her how I feel and she apologizes..so what! I am still pissed.

 

d: We talk and I tell her how I feel and she continues to date the other guy. Nope...still pissed.

 

 

All of the above scenarios involve me just going back to being her male/gf and still being pissed off. I didn't mind that so long as she had been truthful from day one and told me she wasn't interested instead of throwing her opinionated race cards on the table. Maybe I should just tell her how I feel and let the cards fall where they may. What do you think?

[Gratsy]

I think that there are two options. Both are risks. If you just cut her off, is it possible that she doesn't know why? You'll wonder what could have been if you told her.

 

You risk getting hurt if you tell her the reason you cut her off. I think its silly that she is calling you using different numbers.

 

You really shouldn't be talking to her at all. Or even thinking about her. Eventually, she'll be reduced to a vague memory.

 

Some pointers-

 

Be nice to her when you tell her why you cut her off. Chances increase that you'll be missed.

 

Don't seem wimpy in ANY way. Be manly.

 

If she does not want anything other than a romantic relationship (i.e you being very clear and her answering very CLEARLY) than you are better off cutting her off and moving onto someone who WILL want you.

 

When you do cut her off DON'T look back. Its too late. You don't want to be her little buddy for the rest of her life do you?

 

(Even better, if you're only a little bit sneaky like me, if you can date someone- do it. It might make her jealous).

 

However, if you are SURE that she will only want to be friends...yes, YOU ARE CERTAINLY doing the right thing. She will just lead you on forever. Don't talk to her, don't think about her. Notice other girls, get into your own hobbies, or the things you love. Over time, she might even miss you in a romantic way. She isn't willing to see that light right now though. Don't lean on that hope that she will, though, just move on.