She won't be honest about her past.

[smalltownguy]

So I have been with my gf for almost 3 years now. She knows everything about me. There isn't much to know. She is my first love and there has never been anyone else in my life. When we first got together she confessed that she has "been" with like 13 guys. This really bothered me but I didn't let it stop me from being with her but it is something that always bothered me and I have a very hard time dealing with. Well the other day we were talking and I asked her again how many guys she has had sex with. She said she wasn't sure and after awhile she told me 6. I asked her about the 13 and she said that she meant she had 13 bf's and didn't sleep with them. But I really feel this is a lie. I also found out that this guy we ran into the other day, who I asked if she had been with and she told me no right to my face, is someone that she infact had slept with. We continued talking and it turns out this one time she was drunk she ended up having sex with someone at a party right infront of everyone else.

 

The problem I'm having is that I knew from the beginning that she had several partners and It always bothered me alot. But I find out that she has lied right to my face about it and I don't think she is being completely honest with me now. It's been 3 years and I feel like I don't even really know her. And how can I trust anything she says knowing she has lied before and I'm wondering what other wild secrets she is hiding from me.

 

I probably shouln't care because it is in the past but I'm having a really hard time dealing with it.

[Lana0120]

A guy who has slept around gets patted on the back, whereas a girl who has slept around gets viewed as a * * * *. thereforeeee, if she believes she has had more sexual partners than would be deemed socially acceptable, it's not surprising that she doesn't want to get into exact numbers with you. I think you have to accept that it isn't something she is comfortable talking about - I mean hell, if she's slept with a number of different guys, now she's in a monogamous, secure relationship - it's not surprising that she doesn't want to talk about it. Just accept that she has a lot of sexual experience which you can benefit from and love her and accept her for all that she is. Unless she's sleeping with other guys now or has given you any reason to question her love and devotion for you, I don't think this is something to make an issue of.

[smalltownguy]

I understand that and I try not to make it an issue but it just bothers me. All I can think about is her being with other guys. Especially when we are having sex it definitly takes away from the fun of it. I wish I would have never asked about it b/c now I can't get it out of my head. Plus the fact that she lied to me really pis*es me off. I'm not sure how to change the way I feel about this and get it out of my head.

[hockeyboy]

and this is why I always go by the "don't ask, don't tell" rule and stick to it. I have no interest in knowing my girls past nor do I have any interest in her knowing mine..it usually leads to nothing but bad things.

[Tethys]

Well, you're going to have to deal with the fact that she has had sex with other guys. You knew this even before you got into a relationship with her. Now, I understand that you don't like that she lied to you -- No one likes that. If you want her to be clear with you and what she's lied to you about or else it's going to knock around there inside your skull, then tell her that. Then prepare yourself for dirty details. Is that really what you want?

 

But if she does tell you the absolute truth, do NOT hold it against her, or she will never tell you the truth about her sexual past again.

 

Would you really throw three years away because you didn't know the details of her past lovers? (Even though you already knew they existed??) You knew she wasn't a virgin, so why would your feelings change for her overnight because of this? (It doesn't sound to me like she lied so much it's unforgivable -- like, she said 13 when it was really 130 or something...)

[Dako]

Her past sex life is none of your business, and if STDs are your worry, you should both get tested.

The word controlling comes to mind.

[amtjrtcet]

I understand that and I try not to make it an issue but it just bothers me. All I can think about is her being with other guys. Especially when we are having sex it definitly takes away from the fun of it. I wish I would have never asked about it b/c now I can't get it out of my head. Plus the fact that she lied to me really pis*es me off. I'm not sure how to change the way I feel about this and get it out of my head.

 

You can not let this ruin your realtionship. Has she ever cheated on you or given you reason to suspect her? If not leave it alone. She's with YOU. Let her leave her past in the past. You dig up dirt and all you get is dirty.

[smalltownguy]

Your right I do have to deal with it. My feelings havn't changed overnight and she knows I am mad about her not telling me the truth, but I'm not holding her past against her b/c this was before we ever met and she did nothing wrong. I'm just trying to not let this bother me and I don't want it to effect our relationship but it is right now.

[Lana0120]

Think of this: she's with you now and not those other guys. You obviously have something that they don't in her eyes and THAT is what matters and what you should try and think about. Every time you think of her with another guy, replace with an image of yourself and her.

[Tethys]

smalltownguy, I think a lot of people here can relate to that feeling, but that doesn't mean we can't also put your in your place, LOL -- just to get you thinking about it and put things in perspective.

 

Realistically, if I were you, the only thing I would ask her about is why she lied.

[Lana0120]

Tbh, I can understand why she lied. She was probably embarrassed and ashamed and... probably knew you would react badly.

[Tethys]

I can understand why she lied too, but in a safe, loving relationship, I think a woman shouldn't feel that she has to lie. So, it her, or is it him?

[barbielovesmac]

Her sexual past is none of your business. BUT at least she told you, she didn't have to tell you period.

 

It shouldn't matter how many men she has been with. She's been with YOU for three years. That says alot.

 

You need to swallow this and accept it. There is nothing you can do to change it. You also need to respect that she even told you, she didn't have to.

 

It doesn't matter if she was with 13 men, it doesn't make her any less of a person.

 

Just because she didn't give you the EXACT number of her PAST sex partners doesn't make her a liar.

 

You either have to accept this or not.

[smalltownguy]

She said she didn't want to tell me because she knows how jealous I get. and I do get very jealous and I am very insecure so I can see why she did that but It still bothers me. I know I just have to shut up and get over it. Thanks for your help. I am going to try to do what Lana0120 said and try to replace those thoughts with thoughts of us. I hope it helps me b/c I love this girl and I don't want my own insecurities to ruin this relationship.

[beauty21]

 

That's the problem. It's you, not how many guys she has slept with. Whomever, she had sex with before you two hook-ed up is irrelevant. I think you are going overboard by saying you don't even know who she is. * * *! Her past has nothing at all to do with you. Don't let her past define who she is. Everyone has done some crazy things, even you.

[EvaGina]

after 3 years... I would assume she is either just a compulsive lier... OR she feels that you judge her unfairly and lies to save herself heartache...

 

She probably cant talk to you about it if you ARE judging her, as you would shoot her down.

[Siriana]

She lies because of : she had several partners and It always bothered me alot.

 

She knows it bothers you a lot, you are torturing her with your questioning so she doesn't feel she can be honest.

 

I think you are gradually killing your relationship.

You need to work on yourself - your jealousy and insecurity are going to make problems in any relationship you have.

 

Famous question "how many" is not a polite one and it's not the one you should ask.

[anggrace]

Stop visualizing her with other men. No one likes to think of their s.o. in bed with someone else, thats why you don't. Theres nothing you can do about her past so just leave it as that. Stop asking her about and stop wondering. There is no good that can come from it. You'll only drive her away.

[birdgirl]

I really think you should drop it. She probably feels shame and guards her past like it's some kind of huge secret. She probably doesn't want to tell you the truth because she doesn't want to be judged. Plenty of women lie about their numbers.

 

You can "take her to court" on the lie and persist and maybe you'll get the truth, or maybe you won't, or you can drop the whole topic.

 

Everyone lies, it's a fact. "Believing" her and dropping the whole thing would be one of the most loving things you could do for her.