Was I Wrong?

[Dots]

I'd like an outside perspective on something that happened to me yesterday. This might be a long read so be prepared because I need to give some background information.

 

First off, I moved out of my ex boyfriends apt almost two months ago and moved in with another guy (just friends) who I did not previously know. So far, he has been a great roommate. Well, a few weeks ago I started having my ex come over again...no big deal and we aren't back together it's just that we like each others company and hate being lonely. Now I always have my ex over when my roomie isn't around...just so that everybody is comfortable. Well nobody but my roommate knows about my ex and I because we don't believe it is anyones business but ours and most of his family and mine don't like us together. The problem is that I'm really good friends with his little sister (the ex's) and I haven't told her. Well that might not be such a big deal if my roommate hadn't started seeing her recently.

 

At first, I knew that he liked her but he told me that he would never get involved with her because she was my friend and he doesn't do that. Well, that changed and now they really like each other and he wants to date her. Normally I would not have a problem with that but I'm worried it will make things difficult between my ex and I (her brother).

 

Here is where I got upset. My friend spent the night with my roomie on friday and came over on saturday night to hang out. Well my ex called saturday night and we made plans for him to come over sunday night. I didn't even think that my roomie would invite my friend over three nights in a row. Well that sunday morning as we're walking to the grocery store I tell him that my ex is coming over and he replys, "Oh good thing you told me because I was planning on inviting her over again". I'm thinking, hmm...okay...well you've seen her the last two nights and you are going to see her again on tuesday. Well, I never said that I'd change my plans with Chris but just told him to ask her if she could even make it out. Well he texted her and she said yes. So it was pretty much "Yeah she is coming over...can't you just go over to his house?".

 

That pissed me off. He didn't even ask me if I could make plans with him another night he just pretty much overstepped me and was like yep she is coming...sorry that you had already made plans. I confronted him and told him that I was upset and he told me not to blame him and that he isn't doing anything wrong and that I'm creating problems.

 

I don't even care that my friend and him are dating (even though he said he wasn't going to do that) but I think it is really rude to just step over someone elses plans. If he had not seen her recently I would have understood and maybe even changed my plans around him but he had seen her the last two nights!! Am I completely wrong here to be upset??

[tylercdurden2004]

we like each others company and hate being lonely.

 

I believe this is not a good reason to do anything.

[Dots]

Your reply confused me. I don't think that it really matters what my relationship with my ex is...I still have a right to have him over to my apartment. Besides, we've known each other for 4 years and love each other very much...we just don't work well together in a relationship. Why are people so against two grown adults enjoying each others companionship even though they are not in a relationship? My roommate doesn't even think it's a bad thing...just thinks I'm creating problems because I choose not to discuss it with everybody I know...how is it anyones business but ours? Again, am I wrong to think my roommate was rude by stepping over me like he did and pretty much forcing me to tell my ex not to come over?

[Tethys]

Your reply confused me. I don't think that it really matters what my relationship with my ex is...I still have a right to have him over to my apartment. Besides, we've known each other for 4 years and love each other very much...we just don't work well together in a relationship. Why are people so against two grown adults enjoying each others companionship even though they are not in a relationship? My roommate doesn't even think it's a bad thing...just thinks I'm creating problems because I choose not to discuss it with everybody I know...how is it anyones business but ours? Again, am I wrong to think my roommate was rude by stepping over me like he did and pretty much forcing me to tell my ex not to come over?

 

I think you should take your own advice. First, if it's your business, then you shouldn't care if someone, like his sister, finds out that you spend time together. What's all this about -- "Why are people so against two grown adults enjoying each other's companionship" stuff? What people? Who is judging you for it? Your roommate? The sister?

 

Second, you should have some consideration for your roommate. If he does like the sister, and she is coming over, who are you to tell him he can't have her over? Does he not pay rent too? If they truly like each other, who are you to stop them?

 

Now, your first post was a little confusing to me, so I hope I am answering this right!

[Dots]

Second, you should have some consideration for your roommate. If he does like the sister, and she is coming over, who are you to tell him he can't have her over? Does he not pay rent too? If they truly like each other, who are you to stop them?

 

Well, I never told him that he couldn't. Actually, I told him to go ahead and ask her even though I had already invited my ex over. So basically, even though he had seen her the last two nights I am in the wrong because I'm keeping a secret? I think if you had read my post you would have seen I have consideration...she did come over after all. The only reason that this is now a problem is because he is seeing her which means she is coming over a lot more than if they weren't now dating...he said in the beginning he wouldn't date her because she is my friend. He knew getting into a thing with her that I was still seeing her brother and that I wanted to keep it between us. I guess I'm wrong and I'll always be wrong for wanting to keep my love life private?

[Tethys]

I did read your post -- twice, actually.

 

Okay, he said he wouldn't get involved with her, but, alas, he did. You can't very well tell him to break if off, because that would be unfair.

 

I am not sure why you want to keep your "meetings" with your ex so secretive. I am all for keeping a love life private, but maybe I am missing something here.

 

This looks like it's going to be a real problem between you and your roommate in the future if he is dating the ex's sister while you and your ex insist on total and complete privacy. You and your roommate are going to have to have a sit-down and work out schedules and all sorts of stuff in order to get along.

 

I'm sorry you wanted to keep this under wraps and he started dating the sister. Bad twist, but I think you have to accept that he is and work around it. Is his relationship with her out in the open? Just curious.

[Lana0120]

I am confused by your post as well. Does your ex's sister know you've split up? If not, why not? If she does know, why would it matter if you two hang out sometimes as friends? It sounds to me like your roommate is quite considerate actually!

[russ978]

I think I understand what is going on.

 

So you are hanging out with your ex and his sister is now dating your roomie.

 

You are upset, not that he is dating the sister, but because his interactions with her have started causing issues with your living space.

 

Who has the rule that your ex, his sister, and your roomie can't all hang out together? From what I read, it sounded like you were keeping your friendship with your ex a secret and don't want everyone to know about it.

 

I don't think your roomie should have to limit himself from having someone over, neither should you. If the rule is imposed by you, his comment about you 'just going over to his place' was likely in respect to the fact that you don't want everyone to know about you and he was letting you know that his lady was over to give you a heads up that you wouldn't want to show up.

 

Am I right in the understanding that you just don't want to hang out with you ex, his sister, and your roomie at the same time?

 

Why does it matter who your roomie is inviting over? If it is your tendency to want to avoid interacting with others while you are hanging out with your ex, that seems more like something you should have to work around rather than your roomie having to limit who he hangs out with and when.

[Tethys]

Russ,

 

I am not sure because the OP was a bit confusing, but I think it's that she and the ex are still sleeping together, and they don't want anyone to know about it. Now her roommate is dating her ex's sister, which complicates things, because they don't want anyone to know they are still seeing one another in "that" way.

 

Am I right, Dots?

[Dots]

I agree with the assessment that my roomie should not have to limit his time with my friend because of me. But I just feel like because what I'm doing with my ex is considered "taboo" because everybody thinks we're split and both our families don't like us together that I'm going to have to stop seeing my ex because now my friend is dating his sister.

 

I guess i'm totally wrong. I'm keeping a secret. His sister will judge me and look down upon me if she knows what her brother and I are doing and I don't want to deal with that...I've been dealing with that for the last four years. However, now it's a problem because she is dating my roommate. I do love this man and enjoy seeing him...should I just break it off and let my roommate and my friend be happy? I'd like to work it out and my roommate thinks we can too but having both of them over one the same night would not work....that is why I have my ex over on nights when my roommate goes out...but what if he brings my friend home on night and she sees her brothers truck? I feel upset because I know that this new relationship between them is going to destroy the happiness I have...but I want to see them happy too

[Lana0120]

Just be honest and screw what everyone else thinks. Eventually your friend will find out anyway and she'll probably feel betrayed. Better to come clean about this, rather than live your life this way.

[tylercdurden2004]

To me its all drama.

 

The roomie invite his girl over but was supposed to know that the OP didnt think the roomies girl would come over 3 nights in a row.

 

i think hanging out with the ex might not be such a good thing to cure lonliness if it causes all this drama.

 

I could be wrong.

[Dots]

Well the only reason I invited my ex over was because my roomie told me that he would not be inviting my friend over until next tuesday. Well, he changed his mind and decided that he was inviting my friend over and I was pretty much going to have to figure out something on my own despite the fact I had already invited my ex over.

 

Trust me, I hate drama but someone makes me happy...what am I supposed to do? Sorry if I seem weak but I'm not the first person to have a friend with benefits

[tylercdurden2004]

Well the only reason I invited my ex over was because my roomie told me that he would not be inviting my friend over until next tuesday. Well, he changed his mind and decided that he was inviting my friend over and I was pretty much going to have to figure out something on my own despite the fact I had already invited my ex over.

 

Trust me, I hate drama but someone makes me happy...what am I supposed to do? Sorry if I seem weak but I'm not the first person to have a friend with benefits

 

No you are not the first. But this is a little different as you did date him. Now you are "friends" and "banging" each other I think that constitutes a relationship. To me anyways.

 

However his presense seems to be cause for drama. Everyone including yourself must change their lives to accommodate him.

[Dots]

Well, i'm writing an email to my friend right now. I don't know how much longer this will last between my ex and I but I can't make everybody walk on eggs shells just because of this...it's better that we just all know and move on...

[Tethys]

Dots,

 

I think what is more of a problem is your relationship with this man. It's all fine and good if you are having some, you know "ex sex" or something, but you claim that you "love this man" ... yet you are broken up? That's not good, not good at all!

 

You haven't really explained your situation to us, so it's hard to tell you what to do. On one hand, I'd say, yes, let your roommate start a romance with this girl, unhindered. But what is going on with your "ex"? Is he REALLY an ex? Or is that pretense for the family that doesn't approve? Why all the secrecy?

 

It's hard to give advice when we don't know very important facts relevant to the situationl.