I want him back 4 years later??? Um...how?

[capgirl]

I dated a guy 4 years ago, let's call him "B". After a few months, B told me he was in love with me. I was confused because although I had strong feelings for him I still had feelings for an ex that I had been through alot with.(a pregnancy thing) I constantly told B how scared I was of hurting him. I didn't trust myself if my ex started coming around. The other issue I had with B was age, he was 23, I was 29. I didn't see a lasting relationship with him being that young. So eventually I pushed him away.

 

During the last 4 years, I've seen him here and there and he's always giggly and happy to see me. Last year, I got a phone call from him out of no-where in the middle of the night. He said, "I love you". I was shocked and confused, I had no idea he felt that way after all those years of not calling. I didn't say anything back on the phone I just said...OK.

 

I had just started seeing someone about a week before which continued for 6 more months. Then I started thinking about B. That phone call stuck with me so I called him and saw him. I wanted to see how I felt. All the old feelings I had for him 3 years before came back but I couldn't tell him so I waited.

 

Forward 6 months later, I bumped into him in a strange way, we talked and I couldn't believe how I was feeling so I asked him to come over and he did after saying, "You really know how to confuse a guy." He told me how much he resented me for how distant I had been, how "walking away from the girl he truly loved (me) was the hardest thing he did in his life". Everything he said unleased a portal of feelings and memories in me. I basically fell in love with him.I felt like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

 

After that I started calling him to show I was interested without saying it. He wasn't very talkative when I called...he said he had nothing to say when I asked what was wrong. So........I told him I had strong feelings for him and would like to go out sometime. His response was, while laughing "I'm not going down that path again." Hmm...great.

 

I let 2 months go by and then tried again except I told him the truth about everything. I told him years ago was the wrong timing, I was going through more stuff than he knew and I thought he would miss out on alot if we stayed together with him being so young. (Now he's 27). I told him "I loved him" which took about 10 minutes of stuttering and heavy breathing because it's hard for me to say that. He was shocked to say the least. He said, "I wish you told me this before." I told him I had really strong feelings for him 4 years before but I couldn't get myself to the next level. So like before he said, "He's not going down that path." When I asked why, "he said he likes his sanity." lol

 

Is there anything I can do here?

[nuttybuddy]

I think he'll come around. If he's willing to still meet up with you and hang out with you... I would consider those as mini dates. Just keep enjoying the times with him together and maybe he'll change his mind... now that he even knows that you love him.

 

Otherwise.... don't get your hopes too up. maybe there's another girl he's starting to eye.

[capgirl]

Thank you!

[JoeWho]

Its going to take a lot of effort on your part for him to let his guard down and think about "going down that path" again. If my ex said she wanted to get back together with me, I would have said the same exact thing that this guy said with the laughter and everything. Not a good sign in my opinion!!

 

 

 

Good luck though

[capgirl]

I know, it was kind of funny when he laughed. How do I make an effort without looking desperate like calling all of the time? I don't even know what to do.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I'm getting the feeling here that perhaps just too much time has gone by and too much has happened, and that for him, even if he does have feelings for you (which I think he does), he will not allow himself to act on them because he was so burned by you before.

 

I'm sorry, I think this is just bad timing on both your parts.

[Ripples]

Your actions have to do the talking now. He loves you, you know that but what he wants, needs and deserves is hard evidence that you love him because when you were messing him around you would have definitely pushed him away with false hope ie flimsy words.

 

Show him, dont tell him.

[capgirl]

Thank you.

How do I show actions to someone I hardly see without seeming stalker-ish!?

[Ripples]

That is tricky to say from here because I dont know the dynamics of your current situation.

 

I do think though that you just need to be consistent, respectful, caring, fun, friendly loving and open. You have to show that after much thought you now know you adore him. (You may want to say this last bit to him actually and then back it up with something along the lines that you would be committed to developing a healthy, exclusive, long term relationship should he ever have the confidence to give you and him another go).

 

Above all else you must nurture empathy for this guy.

[capgirl]

lol.......Ripples, that is the "exact" words and conversation I had. I told him I adored him and that all of the old feelings I had had come back without the baggage I had last time and if he was still interested I could make a long-term commitment to him now. I also told him, that I wasn't messing with his feelings and everything I was saying was sincere. He said "I know".

I don't really see him around so I don't know what to do next. His b-day is in a month so I'm thinking maybe a phone call then. ( It won't seem too out of the ordinary since I have called him once a year on that day for the past 3 years.)

[Ripples]

Yes but you need to keep doing it! Words mean nothing! Show him your committment and keep doing it. He doesn't trust you, who would?

 

If you are genuine you will not walk away! He has control now and you must let him know that he has control and that you are ok with that.

[JUSTBLUE]

Must be very frustating for both you guys!

 

Maybe u should straight out ask him what it would take?

 

The situation could go either way.

U can definitely appreciate why he would be feeling the way he is.

 

The postives thing is that u've taken the time to grow whilest u guys have been apart..THAT IS GREAT.

 

Alot of trust has to be built back up, stay consistant with word and ACTIONS..

 

Im quite excited for you here..lol i dont mean to get your hopes up but i feel really postive that things will work out.

 

Let us know how it all goes goodluck x

[love4life]

Why not consider trying a new approach? It appears that expressing your feelings honestly is only pushing him away. Try a more non-committal approach. Give him a call, make small talk and be upbeat. Ask him a lot of questions about what's going on in his life. When you guys hit a good note and things seem to be going well in the conversation, just ask him to get together for lunch or something in a few days. Make the date brief, upbeat, and don't talk about the relationship (if he does, fine, just let him do most of the talking). Just show him you want to enjoy his company in the moment without any mention of getting back together or even hanging out a second time.

 

Let a couple weeks pass after that and repeat. Hopefully he'll start to come around when he sees you genuinely care and will start to let his guard down.

 

I just did that with my ex (I was the dumpee) and we had a GREAT time on the "first date". My plan is to repeat this "exercise" in another week or so and again make sure not to talk about the relationship or my feelings. That's key to making this work. Talking about the relationship/feelings will only make the person who is already cautious put up more resistance. Remind him of what he already knows is great about you!

 

Good luck!