Thinking about ending 4 year relationship. Please Help!

[confused92]

I've been with my girlfriend for over 4 years now. Lately things have been really rough. Her parents hate me and don't approve of us being together. This has made things really hard on us but we have been trying to work it out. The problem I'm having is that this girl is the only real girlfriend I've ever had. I know she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but I don't know if I feel the same anymore. I'm only 23 and have never really gotten to see what else is out there. Part of me thinks I would be able to find someone else that would make me even happier and wouldn't come with all these family problems. But the other part of me fears that I will never find someone who loves me like she does and i'll end up alone forever. I'm not a very outgoing person so going out and meeting someone new after being in a relationship for 4 years wouln't be easy. What do you think? Is it wrong to want to experience more than one person in your life? Does feeling this way mean i'm really not in love anymore? Will I find someone else? Also I am so afraid to hurt her, I think she would really be devestated. Thanks.

[Tethys]

Be honest with yourself -- is it really just the family problems bringing down your relationship? From what you write about wanting to experience other people/other relationships coupled with your worry about never meeting anyone else -- it sounds to me that you are unhappy and a bit restless with this relationship but are held back with worries of being alone, as well as hurting your girlfriend.

 

If you break up with your gf, yes, you will hurt her. But it's better to do it now than a few years down the road. At least if you do it now, she is young and will recover and find someone else.

 

You probably aren't "in love" with her anymore, though you do love her. You've been together since a young age and you never had a real girlfriend. My advice is to go ahead and break up with her, but that's based only on what you've written here. You'll have to search deep within yourself to find the true answer, and I wish you luck.

[MarkD]

I think the same thing... If you are thinking that way now, you will always be questioning yourself. You are better to do it now then string her along. If you do break up with her though, I would be very sincere about it. You never know, you might be coming running back to her.

[prizmpyxis]

Hey there,

 

I agree with Tethys on this one, and I think that to really be in love with someone 100 percent you need to experience others in your life to be able to compare the feeling. If you've never dated anyone else, or never even kissed another girl (I don't know if this is the case....but still) how do you know that there isn't someone else out there for you? If you are having these feelings, it isn't right to stay with your girlfriend. It sounds like she is 100 percent sure of your relationship, but you aren't. I know you care about her and don't want to hurt her, but you both will eventually move on and be a lot happier because of it. She will find someone who loves her just as much as she loves him.

 

One thing that my Mom always told me growing up was that if I EVER don't feel the same way anymore to get out of the relationship immeadiately. She made a very poor choice when she was only 18 years old, and she married her boyfriend from high school. She didn't really love him and wasn't sure of the marriage, but he put so much pressure on her to be with him that she gave in and did it. Two years later she got a divorce. I'm telling you this because if you continue to stay in a relationship where you are doubting your feelings, something similar will happen. It's best to get out now, allow yourself to move on, and experience other things. Believe it or not, A LOT of people feel like you do...especially after coming out of a long relationship. We always think "there isn't anyone else out there for me" but there IS. It may take a year to meet that person, or even two years...but she is out there. You don't necessarily have to be outgoing to meet someone, and it will happen when you least expect it.

[confused92]

Thanks for all the advice so far. It's just so hard though. Sometimes when we are together I get those feelings back but it only lasts for that moment. We do so many fun things and I do have a blast when were out. But at the end of the day I'm still full of doubt. Sometimes I feel like I would be stupid to walk away from a girl like this and end up regretting it.

 

I have had some other relationships but nothing even close to this. She was the first person I was ever had sex with and we have alot of history together. She has had several other relationships, not as long as ours but some serious ones. She has always been faithful and is so good to me its hard to think someone else can love me like that.

 

Its hard to know what I really want b/c my feelings are like a roller coaster right now. I'm 23 now and she is 21. I feel like if I let this one go. I feel like I may miss out on all the things I want later in life (House, kids, etc.) but If i stay with her I miss out on all the things I want now (other relationships, dating, etc).

[Tethys]

But don't you think that your girlfriend deserves someone who, at the end of the day, has NO doubts about her? You are both still so young. If you do break up, you'll meet someone else. Maybe you just need some time away, to think things over.

 

This is a tough one, so all I can say is to not make any hasty decisions.

[Meow18]

If you have doubts, then that's not fair to her. Obviously you can't help these doubts, but you need to be honest about them. They are there and they probably won't go away unless you do something about them.

 

Can I ask, why do her parents hate you so much? Family problems are difficult. If her parents are never willing to get over their differences with you, then your life will not be so fun.

 

But it can be normal to have these doubts when you have been with someone for so long and haven't really experienced anything else. And that's ok, it's just how you feel.

 

I can imagine your girlfriend won't like knowing what you are feeling though. But, who can blame her. Just realize that you will probably lose her forever if you choose to get out and experience other things.

[confused92]

I'm not sure why they hate me so much. Her mother is a horrible person. She is always putting her down and treating her like sh*t. She is verbally abused so much at home. I have always been there for her and I think that is why we have had such a good relationship. I think her mother just doesn't want her to be happy. They have no real reason not to like me. I treat her so good, I just graduated with a degree, have a great job. There is no reason.

 

I like being the one to make her feel better when things are bad at home. I help her through everything and she has done the same for me. It makes it so hard for me because she is in her last year of school and needs some support right now. Which she gets none from her family. She is already having a hard time focusing on school becasuse things are rocky with our relationship. If I feel like if I leave now I could ruin her whole career.

 

The family situation makes it worse. I have already told her that it doesn't matter how much I love her I can't live the rest of my life with her parents making our lives miserable like they try to now. She says all that will change once she graduates and gets out of her house, But they will be a part of our lives forever.

 

I hate the thought of her being with someone else but at the same time I have my doubts and the family thing makes me want out, I have expressed that to her about the family thing, but not about my doubts and other feelings.

 

I will probably lose her forever. That scares me. But I don't want to regret not experiencing other things for the rest of my life. I don't know if that would be the case or not. I just want to be happy and with all of these mixed feelings I'm making myself miserable.

 

Thanks.

[Meow18]

First of all, you are sweet for just wanting things to be good for her and being there to support her.

 

However, she can survive on her own. And feeling bad for her should not be the reason you stay.

 

I think you will miss her if you leave and she will be sad.. but if this is something you are really hoping to gain something from, then it might not turn out so bad either.

 

You need to ask yourself this, if you stay with her, do you think you will always wonder what else is out there? Would it be fair to stay with her?

[confused92]

Not knowing what will happen if I leave is scary. I don't want to be alone I love being in a relationship. I wish things could just go back to the way they were before when everything was perfect and I had no doubts about anything.

 

I try to think about what I really want but I just have no clue right now. I think about how akward life would be without her especially since we have alot of the same friends and we go everywhere together. Things would be really different could be good or bad.

 

You are exactly right with that question. I just don't know the answer right now. Maybe this is just a phase and I will realize that she is perfect for me and I don't need to meet anyone else. Or I will always wonder and the longer I stay the harder it will get to leave.

 

They say the grass is never greener on the other side, but how do you know unless you go look for yourself.

[Meow18]

Honestly, you just don't know if the grass is greener or not. And especially if she's your first girlfriend, then you have nothing to compare this relationship to.

 

I'm not going to persuade you to stay or leave. That has to be completely up to you. But I can honestly say that there are tons of people out there. But if you are having these doubts, it might be for a reason. And yes, it would be unfortunate for both of you if you married this girl and still had these doubts.

 

Maybe one thing you are wondering about is what it's like to be with a girl who has a family who appreciates you and cares about you?

[confused92]

Having her family appreciate me would be a whole new experience.

 

But the problem I have with that would be choosing to leave her because of her family, I feel that would be punishing her for something that isn't her fault. But at the same time she lets them control everything and I don't see that changing even if she wasn't living at home.

 

When I tell her that I have doubts about being with her because of her family she tells me things will be different. And she makes me feel like a liar because I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. But I did feel those things I wasn't lieing, my feelings have changed a little and I have more doubts now.

 

I just don't know what I'm going to do. I do appreciate all your help though.

[beauty21]

I understand how you feel about the parents not liking you. my ex's mom she was a real b**ch. She would call me names and curse me out for no reason. Because I was good to my ex and did any and everything for him and he didn't need her for anything. I didn't pay her much attention, because she was on drugs and drinking all the time so I just let her talk and let her be.

 

I never thought about breaking up with my ex because of that, for one, because when she did disrespect me he would jump in and he would protect me. She even went as far as trying to put her hands on me one time, (I swear for no reason), out of her drunk and drugged mind and he harmlessly had to push her off of me. So I know how you feel. But like, you said, that is something that she can not control and if she is living in her mom's house then yes, her mom has a say in things that she do and as long as she's in her house, her rules.

 

It sucks. But that's how parents go sometimes. When me and my ex got our own place, it was like heaven. When his mom came over she didn't say a thing disrespectful to me or she would have been out of there. My house, my rules. Bottom line, I don't think that this is cause for breaking up. Maybe you are having doubts becuase like you said, you haven't really experienced what else is out there. Maybe you two need a break. And I agree, don't worry about whether or not it will break her, she's a woman and she has far more strenght than you know.

 

If It's mean to be, then Love will Lead you back to her arms.

[confused92]

I guess I just really have to think about what I want right now and worry about making myself happy and not rush into any decisions.

 

Thanks for all you help.