LC - Please share your words of wisdom

[EmotionalCreature]

I would like to know more about LC for those wanting to reciprocate with their partners. Unlike NC, NC is a clear cut but LC is tricky. Personally think it's very delicate, sensitive and subjective to changes and many influences.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts on LC, please give advises, opinions, experience, what do you say / do, success and failure stories, DO's and DONT's. Appropriate level of LC at different stages, afterwards, etc. I appreciate it, thank you.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

I second you on that--I'd also like to know others' stories, because I'm struggling with the same thing.

 

I am forced to do extremely LC with the ex right now because I am working on 2 separate arts projects in the near future with him. We have been complete NC for exactly 3 weeks. I DID meet him once (last weekend) for a mutual friend's party and although I was the 3 C's--calm, cool, and collected...he was incredibly nervous, agitated, scared to see me, etc. Even told me outright that he was. I took it as that he still had feelings for me and has guilt for the relationship ending...I see him again in possibly another week...so we'll have to see what he does then. I will definitely update

 

Really, I think it completely depends on the situation, the people in the relationship, and how the relationship broke up in the first place. For starters, I wouldn't talk at all about the relationship--no matter what, until it at least gets to a certain point where you may be on the road to working things out. I would let the other person bring it up first, if they were the one that decided to end it. Give them the space they need, make them miss you and REALIZE the void that you've left in their life. That's kind of the mantra I'm following right now.

 

For a while I was still talking to all his friends (which are my friends too, but a couple were "his" first) and they have all been incredibly kind and helping me out (he knew I was talking to them and, in a way, that was still LC, ya know?), but I made a decision last week to completely cut things off for now and let them know that I just need time off to "hang out and get over things". It was unhealthy for me to know where he was, what he was doing, etc. And even though they were helping me through the breakup and love both of us the same, he and I both knew deep down I was trying to keep in contact with him THROUGH THEM. To disappear for a while with other friends, if you're in this type of situation, is probably the best idea. Now that I'm not talking to anyone, I will be interested to see where this goes. I am trying to be as patient as possible to see how they will take it and how HE will take it when he finds out I'm really trying to "move on" (which I am honestly doing...but I do miss him very much). We all hung out at the same places on the weekends together, so me not being there is definitely noticeable.

 

I will keep you updated...but I'd also like to hear others' stories, too. This is such a great board. Thanks for the post. Hope I could help a little bit.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

P.S.

 

Here's an interesting article I found--I'd like to see what you guys think about it.

 

It starts off advising "NC", but then advises to "try calling them" after the sting of the breakup has worn off, and if it works the first time, to "call again in another 2 weeks, with no contact in between".

 

Which, I'm guessing, would be "LC". Haha.

 

Does anyone think this approach works? (I agree with all of the first points in the article, btw).

 

link removed

[majord23]

I would like to know more about LC for those wanting to reciprocate with their partners. Unlike NC, NC is a clear cut but LC is tricky. Personally think it's very delicate, sensitive and subjective to changes and many influences.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts on LC, please give advises, opinions, experience, success and failure stories, DO's and DONT's. Appropriate level of LC at different stages, afterwards, etc. I appreciate it, thank you.

 

The best advice I can give is here:

 

 

[LittleMadmoiselle]

I had read that post a while back and forgot about it--thank you so much for posting it. It's a great post.

[shes2smart]

As I understand that, LC is really only applicable/appropriate in situations where you have shared responsibilities with an ex. That would mean one of two things to me:

 

1. children

2. business issues (i.e. - you own property together or you ran a business together)

 

In both situations, I think the ground rules are basically keeping the interaction focused on the topic (the kids, or the business issues) and keeping any personal/emotional stuff out.

 

I believe the vast majority of folks benefit from at least a period of NC after a break-up. It gives them time to heal, process what just happened to them, and adjust to the new circumstances of their lives. When both they and their ex have healed, they can make a clear-headed evaluation regarding establishing a non-romantic friendship.

 

For most people, maintaining any contact with an ex immediately following a break up is too painful and complicated. It's like constantly picking at a physical wound...which increases its healing time and the risk of infection (making things worse). LC is only for those situations where you have to have some contact because of responsibilities to other parties (kids, creditors, customers).

[EmotionalCreature]

shes2smart, I agree with your post to a point but for those that were in NC, if they are to reciprocate they will eventually have to go into LC mode.

 

I don't think anyone jumps form NC to FC, it's just not right.

[shes2smart]

shes2smart, I agree with your post to a point but for those that were in NC, if they are to reciprocate they will eventually have to go into LC mode.

 

I don't think anyone jumps form NC to FC, it's just not right.

 

This is probably coming down to semantics, but here goes:

 

If, after doing a period of NC (whether it be days, weeks, months or years) you feel healed/over it enough to objectively evaluate whether you want to be friends with your ex, it's no longer a question of NC/LC or any sort of "C" you want to call it.

 

At that point if you decide you would like to try to establish a non-romantic friendship with an ex, I think it's best to view it as a fresh start entirely. Even though you already know the person, in many ways it is a new relationships (non-romantic friendship) and you will be learning new ways to deal with each other.

 

After an initial contact to see if the ex is in a place where s/he would welcome a frienship, you are then building a new friendship....not going back to the same old, same old.

 

I think it's a mistake to not look at it as a (mostly) new interaction. It's too easy to fall back into the same patterns of behavior otherwise.

[SummerSamba67]

In the article that Little Mademoiselle cited, the author writes this:

 

"So you wait. You want to wait long enough for the sting of the breakup to wear off. You also want to regain your composure and allow them time to mull over what happened. I'd say at least two weeks. You don't want to wait too long, however, especially if you are a man trying to win back a woman. Women tend to forget and move on easier than a man."

 

Is the bolded statement true? If my ultimate goal is to have my ex GF come back, although I have to be prepared for the possibility that she won't, am I hurting my chances by being NC for too long?

 

My ex broke up with me 2 1/2 months ago after an intense 7 month relationship, with 3 months living together. I've been NC for about 5 weeks now.

 

Any insights would be appreciated. Best to all.

[HajiMaji]

I am sorry. I cant make a blanket statement that tries to tell you what to do. Each situation is so specific and detailed that there can never be an easy formula.

 

Ive learned this: You have to live out life. If you think you should call your ex, do it. If you think you shouldnt, dont. Unfortunately, we usuallt cant make a definitive stance like that, so what i usually do, is wait until i have a nice solid feeling i should do something for a few days. At that point, I make the needed adjustments.

 

First, do no harm. If you are unsure, just dont do anything.

 

And in the end, if you dont get back with your ex, you tried your best and used all your smarts and wisdom to operate in a proper way. You cant ask more than that.

 

Theres a little story from one of my favorite books about people trying to control their fate: This servant rushes in to his master's estate asking for a horse. The master says, "Geez, you look like you've seen a ghost, what is the matter?"

 

The servant says, "I have just spoken to death down by the beach. I must get out of here as soon as possible. May I please borrow a horse from you and ride to the next town?"

 

The master allows him to take the horse, and a few minutes later death walks into the master's estate. The master says, "Why did you try to scare my servant so deeply?!"

 

Death replies, "I didnt mean to scare him. I was just telling him that i was surprised to meet him on the beach because I was going to come for him tonight in the next town over."

 

Ive found that in times like this, our emotions are so all over the place, we cant make good decisions. Sometimes, we make a decision that may seem right at the time, but is based too deeply in an emotion and we end up riding to meet our deaths, when if we would have just chilled we would have been ok.

 

In the end, just try and be smart about it, and dont do anything until it seems like a good idea for a few days.

[EmotionalCreature]

One of the main purpose of starting this thread is for us all to share ideas and experience. Getting and giving advises to those who may have the opportunity and chance to change things for the better between them and their Ex'es.

 

To do the right things that matter when it matter.

[VoleurDesCoeurs]

That article was alot more helpful than the whole NC obsession in my opinion. Although I perosnally believe men move on way faster than women.

[EmotionalCreature]

For those with positive results. When you and your Ex are getting closer again, what do you guys do and don't do to make sure you won't smother and suffocate the plant that might be getting revived by putting in too much water? In the other words, too much of a good thing and pre-assumption or pre-perception.

 

Were you ever unsure and don't know what it is that exists and seems to connects you and your Ex right then / now?