Made myself look too available -- is it possible to go back now??

[Lily04]

So a few posters have wisely recommended not to make yourself look too available when you first starting seeing someone, otherwise they may not treat you as a serious relationship prospect. I made the mistake of doing otherwise... basically in the first week we were both studying for exams downtown in the library everyday and decided to hang out together, and go for dinner and drinks afterwards, go to the gym together, etc... to get to know one another. We were actually meeting from the internet, so wanted to keep it casual... I honestly didn't meet him hoping for any romantic spark, but it just happened. We met because we were in a group together at school and just decided to meet based on that shared interest to chat... and just hit it off. Things developed pretty well thereafter but I now get the feeling that he can just see me on a whim's notice as he knows I'm studying and expects I can meet him anytime after I'm done.

 

I don't have that many friends in the city either, so it's not like I'm meeting with them a lot... although the first week we met I was meeting with friends a few days here and there. I never really made having a social life a priority I suppose, but now I'm finding that's a detriment for so many reasons, including relationships.... anyway, to keep it short... if he's starting to take my time for granted, do you think the solution is to make myself seem more unavailable and make him plan in advance for dates? If he suggests meeting up the next day, I'll just say I'm not available. I actually did that last week but because I hadn't seen him all week and was questioning his interest, I didn't want to cancel that day, I wanted to see what was up. He did have a legit. reason for not seeing me or texting me, but if he is starting to play hard-to-get, I want to play back. Or at least make him respect my time more.

 

Ladies, do you think this is a good idea to make sure he takes me seriosuly as a relationship prospect? We did agree to try being in a relationship, but it's still obviously fresh and casual and right now I am not completely impressed with his lack of effort in making dates, and calling. For instance, he said he'd like to meet me after he teaches a class on Saturday as we were both downtown to study... I said OK (wrong move #1.) He said he had to go straight home, however, to nap because of severe sleep deprivation (which I noted as I saw him the day before lol.) But he said he'd come back after to see me. So I still expected to meet him afterwards but despite msging him asking when he's coming, he didn't respond and I haven't heard since. If he doesn't put in more effort then I will probably move on... he seems the reallllly relaxed type though, I know he's super spontaneous and hates planning, but I want to make him... because I feel like he's not respecting me and it's making me question whether he sees me seriously as well.

[Tethys]

I wouldn't go by any rigid rules here. You know his personality type and what he's comfortable with, so if making him plan in advance means within two days or so, I think that's fine. You said he's super laid-back, so that could just be his personality type, and forcing him to conform to something else might make him lose interest, but that does not mean he didn't have interest to begin with.

 

I would not put up with him flaking on you though.

[Batya33]

Even in the beginning - and maybe especially in the beginning - if I see potential for a relationship I want to see that the man puts in some effort to call me and make a plan in advance to see me and to be reliable about keeping the plan.

 

I would continue to decline last minute invitations and restrain the urge to see him just to "see what's up" because you are uncertain about how he feels - if you see him when you feel that way the vibes likely will be too needy. Rather, let him miss you a little bit and let him understand that he has to put in some effort to see you.

[Lily04]

I wouldn't go by any rigid rules here. You know his personality type and what he's comfortable with, so if making him plan in advance means within two days or so, I think that's fine. You said he's super laid-back, so that could just be his personality type, and forcing him to conform to something else might make him lose interest, but that does not mean he didn't have interest to begin with.

 

I would not put up with him flaking on you though.

 

I think you're right on the dot here... I want him to avoid flaking though. It wasn't like we had set plans for Sat. night anyway, I just said I was going to study... and be downtown, so we could meet and chat perhaps over drinks for a bit. But I don't know if he ended up napping and just never woke up 'til the next day out of exhaustion or something, but some sort of reply to let me know would have been appreciated. Even just a 'hey what's up' or something... well from now on, i'm just going to be more distant myself and not text him unless he texts me. I don't want him to think i'm needy... and I don't want him to change his personality per se but I don't want him flaking on me either.

[Lily04]

Even in the beginning - and maybe especially in the beginning - if I see potential for a relationship I want to see that the man puts in some effort to call me and make a plan in advance to see me and to be reliable about keeping the plan.

 

I would continue to decline last minute invitations and restrain the urge to see him just to "see what's up" because you are uncertain about how he feels - if you see him when you feel that way the vibes likely will be too needy. Rather, let him miss you a little bit and let him understand that he has to put in some effort to see you.

 

I agree with this. Thanks. I'll make sure to do this in the future -- I suppose it's never too late to change attitudes towards meeting but especially when you start dating someone, it shouldn't be too hard to change...