Scared

[Khollest]

I have been taking anti-depressants for the last five months. They are doing their job with what I deem to be little side-effects. Everyone but those few close friends and family think I am a cold bastard ever since I can remember. Most people think I am angry or pissed-off all the time, it simply isn't so. I have a default face that looks like I am about to spaz on someone even when in a great mood feeling good.

 

Usually I am a flurry of emotion, of feelings that stir and rarely surface. At least those made me feel. I considered suicide prior to my current medication. For about four months after I started medication I didn't think about it, it would usually result in me staring at my ceiling for 4-6 hours. Now, I am coldly calculating it free of emotion. Do not fear for my life, my intellect efforts self-preservation. I move from one day to the next free of concern for what I do. I have become a robot, free of choice and emotion. I used to say that I am on auto-pilot, no, I am on a track with no switch stations.

 

I don't even care anymore that I am stuck in a thankless, underpaying, spinning job that has nothing to do with what I schooled for. Sure, I have concern but, that in its-self isn't enough.

 

This echoes deeper into myself, I may be thinking clearer but, I don't feel anything. I don't know what has happened. I was poor at reading women before, now I can't do it at all. My mother calls me oblivious, I say I am blind.

 

I have no one I can talk to who can answer my questions. I like doing things face-to-face. I like it better.

 

I've considered repeating my "Eh, f*ck it!" week of early may just to see what settles, it was interesting. I usually don't because It has been over three months from that day and I am still dealing with the fall-out. Don't think I did drugs or got wasted, no, I simply asked all the questions that had been eating away at my mind.

 

I just realized I have no idea where I am going with this.

 

I want to care.

I want to read people.

I am cold.

I am blind.

[talo]

You could see about reducing your anti-depressant dosage a little.

[nuttybuddy]

you sound like a character from Office Space the movie.

 

is there anything that makes you smile, or laugh? try more of that.

[Khollest]

Talo, I tried that, The withdrawals are bad. I can't stand and everything is numb. I compare it with being REALLY drunk except for the fun that usually precedes it.

 

Nuttybuddy, Which characters do you think I parady?

I try doing more stuff that I can enjoy but it seems that they are not entertaining anymore. As depressing as this sounds the best part of my day is when I goto sleep because I feel more emotion (joy, fear, love, hate, etc..) in my dreams than when I am awake.

 

I'd say, except since I've been on drugs, that most of my dreams end in my death. I can even remember thinking "Shouldn't this hurt?" when I died. Recently, I don't remember the ending, just the dream. Mostly I have been dancing with people or hugging n' what-not.

[nuttybuddy]

I donno... I thought you sounded like the main character in that movie.

 

But anyway, it sounds like you wanna be happy but your saying you can't.

 

Is the picture in the avatar, you? If that's you... I guess I could understand why people are saying what they're saying about you.

 

Look, if the things that you used to have fun with are not entertaining anymore, you gotta go find something else. How about reading? Good books are always entertaining.

[Khollest]

Yeah, the avatar is crop from a picture of me. Oddly, its a picture from one of the funnest weekends in my life. For the full picture/story feel free to PM me.

 

I read, thats still something I do a lot of, though; it is mostly informational at this point. No one has suggested an entertaining book recently, so, I am stuck.

 

I draw, but that mostly happens in bursts. I'll draw for hours upon hours, I think I went for 10 hours one night. I can't draw anything worth a damn except for eyes. Eyes give an image life.

 

I have dabbled in writing. I have 2 stories that I am over 150 pages into, writers block.

 

I don't know. I need suggestions for a low-cost (nearly free would kick-a$$) entertainment source. Something to stem the on-rush of boredom.

[nuttybuddy]

Hey, I gave you my two cents about what u can do. I always like going to bookstores and just picking up something interesting to read. Doesn't cost money. Unless you wanna buy the book.