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need advice from the experienced


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Hi, I’m regular reader in the “healing” forum and my few posts are form there. Now I find I need advice from here. Just a quick background info:


I’m 23 years old and have basically only been with one girl (my ex). We were together for almost 8 years. This time last year we broke up, after a few months she came back and for about a month now we’ve been broken up again. The other day I found out shes now dating one of my old friends (in high school we were extremely close). I just said f*** it, lost it for a night and then dropped it and doing whatever it takes to move on.


Last night my friends took me to a bar where I felt completely out of place because I do not normally go to these places. I am a very quiet/shy person. Last night I got wasted and was having a great time. I met this woman who is a couple of years older than me. My friends say that I was flirting (I don’t even know how to flirt) with her like crazy and was all over her and she was receptive. I hope I did not come off as some creepy perv who was just like all over her. I do not know because I can hardly remember what happened or what our conversations were about. Supposedly we were talking for a while and laughing and having a good time and everything and the whole time I had my arms around her etc., etc. I seriously would never have the balls to do anything like this sober and I can’t even see myself doing it. Friends say she knew I was wasted but she wasn’t. When she had to leave, she asked for my number and told me to take hers. I did not ask her for it nor did I have any intention to, mainly because I have never asked for a girl’s number and never thought about it. To me its like something you see in a movie or something. I remember telling her that I’d call her and when she left she said something along the line of you have my number so we’ll see if you remember me tomorrow.


My question is just should I call her and if so, when (how long do I wait?), and what do I talk about? I don’t have any expectations or anything as I was not looking to get in another relationship. I guess I was just having a great time with her and she was fun to be around. Is she expecting me to call or did she jus give me a fake # or something so she can leave? Regardless of my non-expectations, I still found her to be very attractive and I don’t consider myself attractive at all, but new friends are always a great thing anyway. Any help, suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.

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call her. why not? if it's a fake number, you'll know by calling.


but try to be sober when you meet her next time. you want to know if you would like her when you're not so drunk. besides, it's not like you're asking her to be your gf. you just wanna get to know her a little better.

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Yep, call her, nothing to lose. Once you are healed up from the relationship, start collecting phone numbers and call em all. Then a few fake numbers and nonreceptive ones won't bother you that much.


One caveat, though, going out and getting drunk can be fun, but is not really that great a way to get through a breakup, especially if it's not your nature. Alcohol is a depressant, and as you may have found out, hangovers and relationship healing don't go well together. Best wishes.

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Don't be so hard on yourself, you made the call to a stranger, that takes balls, and it was her real number, not a fake. Remember that the best strategy for early phone calls is to keep it very short. You will know almost immediately if she is interested, if not terminate the call quick and don't sweat it. If she is interested, ask her to get together casually (NOT a big formal date), and then terminate the call quickly.

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that's ok if the phone convo was awkward. who wouldn't be. you guys are almost perfect strangers. i bet she was surprised you called. and she gave you her real number too! so that means she probably wanted you to call but wasn't expecting it cuz you were so drunk. but now that you did... maybe she might start being interested in you. whatever happened, wish u luck in the future!

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Thanks for pointing out that we are pretty much strangers and that awkwardness isnt and unexpected thing for me now. I have not thought about the ex at all since I talked to her. I can't seem to get her out of my mind and I barely even know her. I know this is not good for me becuase eventually I'm going to fall back down, but it has been months since I have been releived of the pain from that b****. Like I said, I've never done this before, from the way the conversation went I don't even know if should ever call her again. I meet people all the time from work and the gym and hanging out with friends of friends. I would know them as much as I know her. It's impossible right? Tell me I'm crazy, theres no way I can be starting to like her? I do not know how to play these attraction games I read about, and I don't think I'd like to. I'm talking about things like you wait days to call or keeping conversation short for the purpose to keep interest and whatnot. Maybe I'm wrong but I'd rather be upfront. Maybe I should just call her tongiht after work again and tell her I'd really liek to get to know her better? Somebody talk me out of it please! lol what a mess I am.

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Um..... if you texted her saying "It was nice meeting u......." I think that's a little weird. U said u wanted to be upfront and all, but u should've been more upfront about the last convo. U could've texted her, "Hey, that last phone convo was a bit awkward for me, was it for u?" I think if she agrees, then u would have sounded more normal. And don't put yourself down by saying your a dork. Nobody likes to date a low self-esteem guy. You gotta sound confident.... almost laughable proud.


I donno if u can salvage this situation.... I think her silence is telling u that she's not interested. It's probably the last convo that makes her think that way. But if u still wanna try to redeem yourself, be honest and i would say text her one last time. Something like:


Hey, this will be the last you'll hear from me if u r a busy person. I only wanted to redeem myself from our last awkward phone convo by taking u out for a drink or something. But I understand if it was too weird for u. Take care.

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Yeah... sorry it didn't work out. It's probably best to just drop the situation.


Any further attempts is gonna creep her out. I was reading the last suggested text that I told u to do.. but re-reading that, even that sounds a bit creepy.


I think it's the sentence "I understand..." I guess if you omit that... maybe it might be more breezy.


In any case, I think u have a good head on your shoulders. You sound perfectly normal to me. hehe Good luck next time!

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The reason to keep phone convos short at first is that before you know someone, talking on the phone can be more awkward and challenging, whereas setting up more in person time is more comfortable naturally. It's not really an attraction tactic to keep initial conversations other than personal brief, just allows you to present a better image as most people are more comfortable in person. If you are meeting lots of folks out casually, that's great. Stop calling yourself a loser and a dork, lots of people have real trouble meeting the opposite sex, you sound pretty good at it. Keep it up!

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Ok, I called her back tonight anyway and at first apologized for the awkwardness at first and then just started talking about random stuff I guess. I guess all that crap I felt was just embarrassment because I made it so weird for no reason at all. Anyway I called after a hard workout I guess because thats when I feel best and most confident. We talked for about an hr or so. She seems like a really cool person. Although I do not think anything will happen, being friends is more than fine with me. She is leaving for vacation for a couple of weeks and said she'd call me when she got back. Thanks for the advice guys, I really just put too much pressure and emphasis on it at first for no reason at all. I know I should have dropped it but I'm glad I made the call, I feel a lot better.

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So you do what the pickup-artist-haters say to do and you get ignored.


Now you know why Mystery has a show on VH-1.


They say Mystery is disrespectful to women but look at what respect got you: nothing.


Respect is a two-way street, Ray. You don't give it, you don't get it. And who doesn't want it? Don't poison this guy's mind with crazy ideas like respect for women being a bad thing.

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Walkingdead, I really don't think you did anything wrong. And hey, maybe she's even a unique woman (like me! who wouldn't write a guy off just for being a little bit nervous? (Just don't try asking her to buy tickets to a sports event, because I definitely wouldn't go for that... or is that the other thread? #-o)


Anyways, when she gets back from her trip, perhaps give her a call again, keep it light and keep it short, and just say you hope she had a good time. In the meantime do some fun stuff yourself so you can talk about that with her if you get the opportunity. But don't call yourself anymore names, and don't apologize anymore, because you've probably already used up your full allotment on self-criticism for a while. Good luck!

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I'm glad you did what you felt you needed to do. At least that's a load off your back. And it sounds like you've redeemed yourself if she talked an hour with you! That was a good thing to call her after a workout cuz, your adrenaline is flowing and you probably felt really happy. It's good to talk to people when you're feeling good.


Well, hopefully she'll give you a call, and if not, don't sweat it. At least you've salvaged your reputation.


Good luck!

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two things.


good job for at least calling her.


next time this happens, quit apologizing. let her figure out your actions. stop telling women you are such a dork and apologizing for stuff you did. if you were drunk, i'm sure they would understand. never apologize for your actions when meeting someone. if they don't like you, they don't like you. but obviously you got a valid phone number. so this was not necessary to do.

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