It's over... and it burns

[dude2000]

After 7 and a half long years, it's finally over. She cheated on me and basically got into a full-blown relationship with another guy. We have been a LD relationship for the last 2.5 years since she is in school, so I guess that's what made it easy for her. I caught her by reading some of her instant messages... god they hurt. It's simply unbelievable how somebody that claims to "love" you, can lie so cold-heartedly to your face. I am still in shock, and I know this is just the beginning of the downward spiral.

 

It hurts.. it hurts real bad. She was everything to me, I pretty much put all of my social eggs into her basket and I guess that was a big mistake... Now I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

NC is going to be extremely hard. Our relationship was by no means perfect, and I am of course partially to blame, but that doesn't change the fact that this was an extremely horrible way for it to go down. I'm extremely hurt that she couldn't just end it with me and let me go, rather than the cowardice of me finding out on my own by snooping. ugh.... We talked everyday, mostly while I'm at work over IM, and then every weekend we possibly could see each other (or so I thought) we did... It is literally as if she held two concurrent relationships at the same time. It really makes me sick to my stomach.

 

So other than some support that I desperately need (my family didn't like her, and I'm really dreading to hear the "I told you so", so I haven't broken the news to them), I have a couple questions.

 

For a deeply involved relationship of 7.5 years, what is the healing time? Other than exercising (which I guess I better start up now that I'm single again), what are some things I can do to get my mind off of her,and the person that I thought she was? This is going to be terribly difficult moreso because I could really be myself around her (or so I thought)... I just don't know right now if I'll ever have it again with someone else, and it makes me pretty sad about life in general. :sad:

[HajiMaji]

For a deeply involved relationship of 7.5 years, what is the healing time? Other than exercising (which I guess I better start up now that I'm single again), what are some things I can do to get my mind off of her,and the person that I thought she was? This is going to be terribly difficult moreso because I could really be myself around her (or so I thought)... I just don't know right now if I'll ever have it again with someone else, and it makes me pretty sad about life in general.

 

A few things:

 

There is no time on healing. My mother says it took her 10 months to get past her 5 year marrige before she was able to date again and eventually find my dad. It took me 10 months to get over a 10 month relationship. Everyone is different.

 

Working out does help, heres my advice on that. Make a plan for working out. Say, on teus/thurs you will do cardio and work out the upper body. On Mon/Wednesday you do cardio and work out the lower body. Thats what i usually start with just because having a routine helps build stability. The working out helps feeling like you are improoving, so its good all around.

 

Please note that working out will not in any way even come close to making you feel resolved about your situation. It helps, but resolution on this thing is a great emotional journey, and working out is just there to help you cope with the journey.

 

All you can do is help cope with the journey. Do things for you that you can enjoy for a small amount of time. I have baked a cake, bought a videogame system, watched a bunch of movies, and spent a lot of time on school work to try to help cope. Just doing things for yourself help. They help you live day to day, but the emotional journey to acceptance and forgiveness is long, and no matter how often you pamper yourself, its not gonna speed it up too much. Really, the goal is to not sit in a rut feeling sorry for yourself for too long. Sometimes, this type of thing is unavoidable. Just try to not cry alone for an extended period of time. Keep your feet moving forward, even when you dont want to.

 

You may feel depressed, and part of depression is not wanting to do things you use to enjoy. If you ever dont want to do something that you use to enjoy, do it anyway. Even if it hurts while you are doing it, and even if it hurts after. Just do it do it do it, because that is the only thing I have learned that can speed up the process. Accept that you feel depressed sometimes, but the sooner you go through with the things you enjoy, the sooner you can start enjoying them again.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a severly difficult time. If you have the option of attending therapy, I would suggest that as well. Good therapists have a way of looking at things that most of us cannot create on our own.

 

Best of luck my friend. You arent alone in this.

[Slick]

For a deeply involved relationship of 7.5 years, what is the healing time?

 

Healing time for each individual varies, a rule of thumb is for every year of the relationship, it may well take you 7-8 months to start feeling yourself again.

 

Allow yourself time to heal and to feel better. Take some quiet time for yourself.

 

Learn something new seems to work for me when trying to get something off my mind!

[dude2000]

Thanks a lot for the replies...

 

I haven't ever felt so devastated since my first real girlfriend in high school completely screwed me over ... i was so naive back then, so this just feels so much worse when you really thought you knew someone, they can stab you so cold-heartedly right where they know it will practically kill you.

 

Her explanation was that she was just "stupid". She suffers from depression, takes Prozac, and has been in counseling for the past few months, but its pretty obvious that it didn't do anything to allow her to come clean with what is still currently going on with this other guy... I'm just so angry, sad, and actually happy all at the same time. Angry that someone I loved could be so cruel (yes, I just wish she was dead right now). Sad, that I'm just not good enough... was it something I did? What is it about this other guy that is so great, I just want to be him right now And happy, that I actually found out and I wasn't played a fool for so much longer like she probably would have done to me...

 

I'm just a big ball of mess right now

[Andy_2007]

I feel for you man,

 

I also had a gf who was 'depressed' and on prozac...which i tried to support her through and help her get over it. Right up to the point she dumps me and sods off on holiday with a male 'friend'...

 

Don't feel sorry for her! I sure as hell did with mine and basically gave her an excuse for the way she was. It's sh*t. Nothing excuses cheating. NOTHING. No matter how 'depressed' and 'stupid' she says she was, don't let her off the hook.

 

Feel good in the respect that you had proof your's was cheating...you now have the knowledge that she was a * * * * * and not worth your time...I've never got proof which makes it harder.

[kevyluv]

After 7 and a half long years, it's finally over. She cheated on me and basically got into a full-blown relationship with another guy.

 

Wow, man I can feel your hurt and pain in your words. Don't feel like you are alone. I recently went through a breakup with a girl that I thought was my soulmate. It hurts, it sucks, but you really can't do anything about it. That was her decision to cheat not yours. Relationships and people aren't perfect but there is NO reason for someone to cheat. That is an unforgivable offense. Be glad that you found out now. What would you do if you actually married this girl and several years and two kids later you found out what she was really about?

 

Don't beat yourself up. That was her choice to cheat. She has to live with that. What she did to you she will do to the other guy too. Try to better yourself. Hit the gym, keep busy, and be happy you found out now and not later.

 

Don't try to get back with her, don't contact her, and don't answer her calls. She is dead to you now. Stay strong.

[dude2000]

We've talked back and forth (with me saying some choice words about what she's done to me), but I think I'm now ready with the no contact. I had to get some things off my chest to let her know how I felt about what she did to me, and although I didn't like what I might have said, it is the hole I needed to dig so I know I can never go back.

 

I need to make sure that I will not let myself go back to her... she is just so manipulative and she tries to make me feel sorry for her, and it's so hard when this is the person that you've loved for so long, seeing them in supposed "pain". But then I have to remind myself, did she think at all about me while she was having this other relationship with this guy for months? Did I have any say?

 

I even asked her about it during that time, if she was talking to this guy (because I had a strong hunch that something was going on due to some other stuff I had found out before), and she just lied to my face. So cold.

 

She blames her "confusion", her depression, and says she was just so stupid and has ruined her life. Whatever... I've got to do something to better myself, and getting back with her would be the biggest mistake I could make.

 

Thanks for all your support guys, its very appreciated. I have not yet told my family other than one of my brothers... the rest of my family ended up not liking her quite some time ago and there was a huge fallout, and I just don't need to hear any snide remarks right now while I'm mourning.

 

Thanks a lot.