so my boyfriend is out on a date, RIGHT NOW! MAJOR trust issue!

[fmjosie]

Basic backgroud to help: I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, live with him, are crazy in love and are GREAT together! But....... my sex drive is VERY low, his is crazy high! He stuck around and didn't cheat even when we didn't have sex for almost 3 years, and still stayed when we figured out my sex drive would never be close to his.

 

Fast forward to today. His friend from a few years ago that he worked with and liked him, contacted him on facebook (what would we do without facebook, lol) and asked if he wanted to 'get coffee' - which in the words of Eddie Izzard means "sex is on."

 

I had been contemplating threesomes, agreed he could sleep with girls when he was away on vacation with the boys (one nights only), etc. So when she came around he simply asked me if he could have sex with her, either her joining us or him just going to see her once a month or less if the timing worked out.

 

I said yes. Then I freaked and said no! Then I said yes again and let him arrange to see her a few times. She knows about me, she knows I know about her and am fine with it. She can give him what I can't... sex. JUST sex. They don't want to 'get to know each other' any other way but sexually. He's VERY good in bed, she needed someone good in bed. Perfect fit, no?

 

So........ this is a HUGE leap of faith. I'm putting my trust on the line..... but.. because I do trust him, I wanted him to do this. It makes me happy, it makes him happy, it makes her happy. He's never been able to be this open with anyone and it's a bit weird for him, but he's trusting me with this too!

 

Let the flaming begin (and people telling me I'm crazy)

 

Apparently everyone missed the part about everyone being happy. I guess people don't like to hear that. Oh well. I'm just bored at work and thought I'd write up a thing on my current adventure!

[Miss Firecracker]

Why did you tell this story? Do you WANT people to flame you?

[Lana0120]

I am not going to judge you and say you're crazy, although it certainly is an unusual arrangement! However, what worries me here is that what if one day he has sex with a girl who he is friends with as well and does form an emotional connection with her? Anything is possible. Do you know why you have an extremely low sex drive? Maybe there are things that you could do to increase it a bit or something?

[WWBG]

I WISH my gf would let me do what you are letting your boyfriend do. Our mismatched sex drive has definitely caused a lot of arguments. As the one with the higher drive, I really am in the losing position. I had heard legends of couples who fixed the problem by allowing open relationships, and I guess you are one of them. Congratulations, and best of luck.

[RayKay]

Personally, I think this is playing with fire.

 

It is not uncommon to develop emotional attachments with someone you are sleeping with. He is going on dates with her as well, furthering that likelihood.

 

I really honestly think this is a very stupid thing for you both to be doing, and is going to cause a lot more pain and hurt in the long run; then simply parting ways would of if you could not find ways to compromise or increase your own sex drive (which I hope you researched into heavily).

 

My boyfriend has a lower sex drive than I do; I cannot fantom asking him if I could just go be with someone else, and he can sit at home and wait. I adore and love him, and for me that would be an incredible betrayal to him, and my own values. Sure, I would love more intimacy but certainly I would not find the solution to that to go be with others. I would be devastated if he suggested I should!

 

Even if as you say it is "just for sex" it will chip away slowly at the emotional intimacy, at the connection and at the commitment to one another.

 

If this is what you want though...good luck.

[fmjosie]

Maybe there are things that you could do to increase it a bit or something?

No. I've been through everything I could possibly try over the last couple years. Doctors, head doctors, sex doctors. Medications, testosterone, everything. I have little to no sex drive and to be honest, people who do have a sex drive can't really imagine what it's like not to have one, so they think it can just be turned back on. It can't. I don't need to be fixed and he loves me the way I am.

 

I WISH my gf would let me do what you are letting your boyfriend do. Our mismatched sex drive has definitely caused a lot of arguments. As the one with the higher drive, I really am in the losing position. I had heard legends of couples who fixed the problem by allowing open relationships, and I guess you are one of them. Congratulations, and best of luck.

Thanks WWBG! the sex drive issue was the biggest in our relationship and me even being more open to the idea has helped a lot. Some women just can't handle it, they grab on and say MINE!!!

 

I'm 99% sure this is going to help us soooo much and our trust in each other will grow in leaps & bounds!

 

Also, if they are sexually compatible, she'll be joining us as well. I'm not opposed to him sharing an emotional part of himself either, but he doesn't want to!

[RayKay]

Oh yes, and given the title of your thread says "MAJOR TRUST ISSUE" while you already know the plan is for him to have sex; don't you think this is going to cause "MAJOR TRUST ISSUE"s in the relationship?

 

I don't get the impression you are as comfortable with this as you seem to say you are, which is even more concerning for the long run.

[fmjosie]

I actually put the title in as sort of a joke..... guess it wasn't that funny. Thanks for putting words/thoughts in my mouth though.

 

I'm playing with fire, got it.

 

And no, I'm fine with it...... even picked out his outfit to wear today

[Miss Firecracker]

Also, if they are sexually compatible, she'll be joining us as well.

 

If you have absolutely no sex drive, why would she be joining you two?

[jengh]

If you have absolutely no sex drive, why would she be joining you two?

 

that's what i was wondering

[fmjosie]

If you have absolutely no sex drive, why would she be joining you two?

I said I had a LOW sex drive. gah. I can usually handle 2-3 times a month.

 

And to see how they interact together, and to have the FUN experience, duh.

 

Why else would you have a threesome? Oh yeah, when girls finally 'give in' and let their bf's bring home a girl? That sucks. I feel bad for them.

[jengh]

if you trust him enough and are secure enough to do this, i don't see a problem... i personally could never do it, but i see your reasonings.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with RayKay, this COULD have the potential to backfire on you over time. You say you could handle it if he has an emotional connection as well. Easy enough to SAY...but when it comes down to it and he starts developing an emotional connection with a sex partner, you will find that he will want to spend less and less time with you and more and more time with the person he is getting sex from as well as building an emotional connection with. The stronger the emotional connection becomes with another woman, the more intimate the sex will be (it will be emotionally charged, not just physically charged). You will have less and less importance in his life until you could be phased out altogether. In the end you might end up incredibly hurt.

[DN]

Moderator Note: I have reopened this thread and deleted the offending posts. Any more and it will be closed permanently.

[agent1607307371]

While I agree that this is potentially playing with fire, I also think that every relationship has to work out the rules and boundaries that work best for it and the people in it.

 

As long as you both work at keeping communication open and clear I see no reason for it to be a negative.

 

It's not an unheard of arrangement, and for some interesting sites that deal with relationships that are more open than "normal" try googling polyamory and checking out that.

[fmjosie]

agent, a girl after my heart!

 

I've considered polygamy.... but he isn't interested! Stranage eh?

 

I know it's a weird situation, but we are just rolling with it for now.... he's texted me twice so far today!

 

He will not be meeting up with her often at ALL, and we are doing this based on TRUST and being truthful, so he'll always tell me when they want to meet up.

[CluelessGuy321]

even when we didn't have sex for almost 3 years

 

 

 

](*,)

 

 

Sounds a compatibility issue.

 

Have you ever seeked any professional medical help or therapy?

 

Testosterone could probably fix the low sex drive issue

[jengh]

agent, a girl after my heart!

 

I've considered polygamy.... but he isn't interested! Stranage eh?

 

I know it's a weird situation, but we are just rolling with it for now.... he's texted me twice so far today!

 

He will not be meeting up with her often at ALL, and we are doing this based on TRUST and being truthful, so he'll always tell me when they want to meet up.

 

Well, at least he's texting you...

Do you think you could get turned on for another guy? Probably not..just curious. Once you're having sex do you enjoy it?

[jengh]

](*,)

 

 

Sounds a compatibility issue.

 

Have you ever seeked any professional medical help or therapy?

 

Testosterone could probably fix the low sex drive issue

 

she said she's tried it all, including testosterone...this is just one of those unfortunate things...

[Batya33]

He's not out on a date he's out getting laid -there's a difference. How are you protecting yourself from STDS? What if she gets pregnant? No, I don't think this is the right way to deal with a difference in sex drives. I feel sorry for you that you are choosing to settle for this.

[fmjosie]

He's not out on a date he's out getting laid -there's a difference. How are you protecting yourself from STDS? What if she gets pregnant? No, I don't think this is the right way to deal with a difference in sex drives. I feel sorry for you that you are choosing to settle for this.

sorry you feel that way, but we've discussed all those issues as well. We are covered. And you're right, he's said he is NOT on a date, they are just going to see if they are compatible sexually.

 

Again, no one seems to get that I trust him, and that we are all very much happy.

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't see how you can say that given the title of your thread.

 

MAJOR TRUST ISSUE!

 

If there was trust, this would BE no issue.

 

I do think you are settling. The reason, only you know.

[RayKay]

I agree with RayKay, this COULD have the potential to backfire on you over time. You say you could handle it if he has an emotional connection as well. Easy enough to SAY...but when it comes down to it and he starts developing an emotional connection with a sex partner, you will find that he will want to spend less and less time with you and more and more time with the person he is getting sex from as well as building an emotional connection with. The stronger the emotional connection becomes with another woman, the more intimate the sex will be (it will be emotionally charged, not just physically charged). You will have less and less importance in his life until you could be phased out altogether. In the end you might end up incredibly hurt.

 

I agree with this. Will you be able to handle that emotional connection when it starts to affect how "crazy in love" you indicate you two are?

 

It is easy to say now that "it won't go there" - but once emotions are running high, if he connects with this woman physically and on a higher level, it can be hard to say well....I'll just stop now. If he realizes that maybe he can have both love, and a healthy sex life, with someone else, it is not that hard to see how you are entering a danger zone.

 

Sure, I know of relationships that have tried having open relationships, or threesomes, or a variation of those. Of those, only one has remained "intact"; but the trust issues are enormous and they have been on the rocks a long time.

 

 

Again, good luck. I hope it works out for you in the long run, but I don't imagine it is going to be as easy as you seem to be saying it will be.

[Altruist]

In my opinion you're setting yourself up for emotional pain. You have given him the greenlight to start sleeping with other women. What if he wants more women? Are you going to be prepared for that? Perhaps these are other things that you should be thinking about.

[fmjosie]

I don't see how you can say that given the title of your thread.

MAJOR TRUST ISSUE!

If there was trust, this would BE no issue.

I do think you are settling. The reason, only you know.

Again with the insulting. I mean really. You didn't even read the replies, I answered this EXACT question. No really I did,

 

I have your opinion, thanks, if you have anything NEW to add or contribute, please do.