Just a quick question..

[LittleMadmoiselle]

I don't really want to post the full details of my recent breakup, but I DO want to ask if anyone of you have experienced this situation. I will certainly post more details if necessary.

 

After about 2 weeks of semi-mutual NC (save for a letter I sent, with no regrets, explaining my feelings and thoughts on the relationship and certain answers I needed), I ran into the ex last weekend. We broke up on semi-mutual terms based on a couple of life paths he needs to "fix" right now, which I heavily hope and believe will happen--it's just bad timing for our relationship. I love him very, very much and believe he's a great match for me, and I know he felt the same. The final straw to our breakup was some bad decisions on his part that I think he genuinely feels sorry about and wants to fix. (He is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder--NOT layman's diagnosis--and needs to be on meds and stay on them. I am fully prepared to deal with his illness, as I've had family members have it.)

 

Anyway, we have very mutual friends and work alongside together in the arts field, and we all ended up at the same event last weekend. We both knew the other was going to be there ahead of time. Even though I was extremely nervous, excited, etc. to see him, I followed the advice on this board (you guys rock!) and acted completely calm and cool with him, said "hello" and never brought up anything about us. He was anything but calm. He was on edge, couldn't really talk to me, even told me he was outright "very nervous to see me", etc. I milled around the room talking to friends--he tried to do the same and laugh with our friends, but I caught him staring over in my direction a couple of times and I could tell he was putting on a show so everyone could see he was "ok". He wasn't mean or rude...just very shaken that I was there.

 

I think he still feels very guilty, which I know is a good thing...that involves the things he's gotta work on (and hopefully IS working on). But my (stupid) question is: have you ever had an ex act like that on your first "meeting"? And what do you think it meant? I would think that an ex acting completely calm and cool with you means that the "feelings" are probably gone, they may have moved on or have someone else. In this case, it seems like he still has feelings, feels he has unfinished business with me or doesn't know how to get or give closure and thereforeeee is so, so nervous. Am I wrong?

 

Besides that incident and the letter I sent (about 2 weeks ago), I have been on strict NC for 3 weeks now: no calls, no messages, no running into each other, etc. I will continue to do it as long as possible, until we have to see each other again (we're involved in the same arts project coming up in 3 weeks). I know he has been extremely busy with work and hanging out with our friends, and that's about it. He's not actively dating anyone else or trying to get into a relationship, as far as I know. As for the NC, I think it's the best possible way for him to grow, take care of himself, miss me, think about the immense void in his life with me gone (we were practically inseparable--the whole Brangelina concept be damned!), and hopefully work on himself so that he will come back to the relationship with a better mindset.

 

And me, too. So yeah, I support this whole "NC" thing.

 

Thanks for any advice or thoughts in advance!

 

Thanks everyone! Love this board!

[Lana0120]

I agree with your assessment. He must have some feelings for you still.

[Rochelle]

IT's such a tough call...atleast yours admitted to being nervous to see you.

 

Mine pushed and pushed me to meet him after i tried to go NC w/him and he kept trying to keep in touch w/ me...saying he missed me, missed being around good people like me, knows i'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, etc and so forth.

 

Well i finally gave him his wish, which was to not only talk to me on the phone (which he pushed for before meeting up w/ me in person) and then asking if he could just say "hi" to me in person one day.

 

Well i was very very nervous, but like you, i remained outwardly calm, cool and collected. Mine could NOT look at me, kept his arms crossed until he finally relaxed a bit (thanks to me being very easy and keeping the convo going lightly and realizing he was nervous/awkward I deverted my looking at him when i talked to him-something i do w/ people out of politeness, always looking them in the eyes, but in this case, i would look away when i answered him and this is when i could feel he would look directly at me).

 

We had a nice evening actually, me remaining relaxed and all and he lighting up but still a bit tense. I never urged him to stay, he did so becuase he wanted to. When he left he hugged me long and said he hated to go.

 

Now, the 2nd time i saw him, he had made plans for us to go to the vet together. He did this, not me, mind you. But this time he stayed pretty tense, nervous, on edge like yours the whole time, barely making convo. Again, i kept it very light and easy. But he looked like he wanted to run...it was really weird.

 

After this time, he has not tried to get me on the phone too much (occasionaly) and has backed off trying to come see me in person again. He has tried to get me to have plans w/ him in about a week.

 

So, i'm confused like you a bit. I think in our cases, these men dont' put alot of thought into what or how they will feel when they see us. Whereas, we do...extensively...i mean i was so sick up days until he finally came to see me, but by then i was just soo prepared for it that i was very cool and calm.

 

I don't think either of them put much thought into it and then were smacked in the face w/ the realtiy of seeing us again.

 

I've been baffled every since what he must have been truly thinking though and i've never confronted him on it...just let it go. I think in both our cases there is alot of guilt for what they did to us (you wrote such and i know mine knows he's treated me horribly since the break-up and i didn't deserve it, and he's said as much).

 

Then there is still an attraction, we have history w/ them, and i know in my case, i've gotten in better shape and actually look physically better then when we broke up and I appeared, as did you, to have it all together outwardly.

 

I just don't think they were able to prepare themselves like we did, and thus showed there inner conflicts/emotions on the outside, transparently. I could tell by mine's body language he was haveing a great deal of trouble and might be the reason he has not pushed to see me again in person.

 

I can only speculate at this point and only time i think will tell, after a few more encounters you have w/ him. I think mine is waiting to see me this long hoping he will be as easy going as i was...he's admitted to being afraid of feeling awkward and not being in as good a place as i am in when he sees me and that's exactly what happened. Boy was it awkward!

 

Well, keep us updated on what happens and Good luck!

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Hey, thanks for that story! That was interesting...how long were you guys in NC before you saw each other again?

 

I would try to stay in NC as long as I possibly could, but, like I said, I know we have to work together on stuff coming up, so I can't. But I plan on acting just as I did last weekend with him if I see him.

 

 

Other info I forgot to add: when we broke up 3 weeks ago today, I was very cool with him and told him to "get things on track..without me". I could tell he was extremely sad. The week before, he had already voiced to me that he didn't feel he could be in a relationship right now with what's going on in his life, and if I could not deal with being just friends, he would have to fight hard to accept me not being around.

 

I really don't think he thought I would take it seriously. We had been through this once before, and we worked through it okay after 2 weeks.

 

It finally got to a point in our relationship where in order for things to get better and progress in a healthier direction, we needed to stop seeing each other. He definitely needs to take care of some issues that will only be temporary if he LETS them be.

 

Also, just this past week, I decided to cut off contact with all of our mutual friends. For now, at least. I will still talk to them but refrain but speaking about the ex at all costs. I kept getting updated by them on what he was doing, thinking, feeling, etc., (don't get me wrong--I asked about him, too!) and we are all very used to hanging out together every weekend. This past weekend, we were all split apart for the first time since I made other plans--because the ex and I weren't there, everyone else did their own thing, too. I could tell no one was happy. It's affected the whole group, and it's only THE EX that can heal things up. I hope it happens. I miss him more than words can say. In regards to getting back together, I hope that the complete absense of me will be better for everyone, rather than him knowing I am still constantly in contact with all of our mutual friends and wanting to know what he's up to. I'm not only doing this for the increased chance of us rekindling things at a healthier point, but also for ME.

 

It's really awful to lose your best friend AND the person you love at the same time. But you just have to trust in things happening for a reason..I am very sad, heartbroken, and pulling everything I can out of me to get through this, and I keep telling myself that in the end, it will have a good outcome, no matter what happens.

 

Btw, am I doing the right thing in how I'm acting with him on these occasions that I have to see him? It feels so weird to pretend that nothing is wrong and that my feelings for him are gone...I know people say "honesty is the best policy", but in this case, I think giving him the space he needs is and showing him that I am making an effort to live my life without him is the best thing to do...

 

Thanks for your replies!!