confused, is it friendship or relationship?

[lin6981]

i've been seeing this guy for over a year now, but he has very deep wounds from 2 previous marriages. we started out dating and six months later, when feelings came in to play, he just wanted to be friends. he tells me that he loves & cares for me, i'm different, an exception to most women...yet, we're just friends? his mom even said she's never seen him so relaxed with anyone else and he hasn't had anyone to treat him as well as i have.

 

if you're just friends, do you stay 4 nights of the week at his place, sleep & snuggle in the same bed (no sex, except for one night), fall asleep on the couch watching a movie, cooks, cleans, mows, calls at 1:30am to take him to the er, work on my vehicle, go grocery shopping together, call at 10:15pm just to tell her what he did in the shop, help pick out the exterior paint & paint the interior of his house, spend xmas together with his family, (yes, very close to his family), get jealous and then calls it disrespecting him, send a girlfriend home to be with me on more than one occasion & spend the night, call after spending time with an ex, to let me know that the ex has left and makes sure i'm not mad?

 

 

i've tried breaking this off before, but i told him, almost 3 weeks ago, that we can't be friends and haven't contacted him. however, he has sent me a couple of funny emails and the other day, he sent me an im saying, morning sunshine...miss ya. what am i suppose to make of this? does he love me and is scared? i'm so confused!!

 

one more thing...just recently, my son wanted me to tell him about his first fb game...i did and he really wants to go and asked if we could go together.

 

i tried to make this as short as possible, PLEASE give me some honest advice on what u would do or handle this situation....would be greatly appreciated!

[Batya33]

It sounds like he wants all the benefits of an exclusive romantic relationship but wants to be able to call it a friendship so if he meets some other woman he wants to be with he wouldn't be cheating on you. I would not let your child meet him or get to know him - kids don't "get" dating - they get attached and this guy is keeping one foot out the door, no matter what his mommy says.

 

You have to do the pros and cons - while being totally honest with yourself about what you want. It is unlikely he will be available for an exclusive relationship with you any time soon and you hanging out with him and being so available to him won't give him any incentive to change things because he's getting it all without needing to make a commitment or needing to see what it would be like to miss you.

 

If it were me I wouldn't hang around with someone like that but I've always been relationship-oriented. What about you?

[GHdancer]

ur not alone i am in the same boat and it hurts.](*,)

[itsallgrand]

Oh boy.

 

Back up for a minute. No reason to get confused. He's been playing the same hand the whole time, now you're starting to catch on that he wasn't joking.

He was being dead serious all along.

 

He wants the relationship but only on his terms.

 

That's pretty sucky, if you ask me. Especially since there is a little boy to consider here too.

 

So forget about him for a minute. What is it that YOU want out of this relationship?

[lin6981]

thank you. regarding my son... i'm very close to my "friends" family and we done things together. after a few months, i introduced my son to my friend & his family, but i must add, he's a very mature 13 yr old. however, i do appreciate your concern.

 

i guess with knowing his deep wounds and the difference his family seen in him, it kept the hope alive. no, the difference doesn't imply that i was trying to change him, i was respectively giving & showing him love, which he responded well too!

 

i've done good with no contact and yeah, he's missing me. missing me how, i don't know?? but i do know, i can't continue like this for it's too painful.

[lin6981]

Oh boy.

 

Back up for a minute. No reason to get confused. He's been playing the same hand the whole time, now you're starting to catch on that he wasn't joking.

He was being dead serious all along.

 

He wants the relationship but only on his terms.

 

That's pretty sucky, if you ask me. Especially since there is a little boy to consider here too.

 

So forget about him for a minute. What is it that YOU want out of this relationship?

 

don't know if he was joking. i could be wrong....do you think it could be once he started getting to close/feelings, he'd take a few steps back. (fear) i know he loves me, see's how he looks at me, and would do just about anything for me. with saying that & what confuses me, is i'm the only girl he's introduced to his family in three years & hasn't given up/left him. the mixed signals he gives off, we, our, 6 months from now, etc. are very confusing. so, is he just playing me or is he maybe confused and scared? if so, then what?

 

i agree, he wants his cake and eat it too and i didn't help any, cuz i allowed that to happen! i was married for almost 17 yrs, but divorced for 2 yrs now. so, i hadn't been in the dating scene that long.

 

as far as my lil boy...i'm very close to my "friends" family and we do things together. after a few months, i introduced my son to my friend & his family, but i must add, he's a very mature 13 yr old. my son lives with his dad and anytime he was with me, it was our time. i would say, in the last year, my son was around my friend maybe 6 times.

[itsallgrand]

Now you're referring to him as a friend. lol.

 

I just think you are making this more complicated than it needs to be.

 

You have yet to tell us what you want from this relationship exactly. Not knowing that, it can lead a person to twist and turn all over the place trying to understand the other ..

[lin6981]

Now you're referring to him as a friend. lol.

 

I just think you are making this more complicated than it needs to be.

 

You have yet to tell us what you want from this relationship exactly. Not knowing that, it can lead a person to twist and turn all over the place trying to understand the other ..

 

as far as the relationship, we already have trust, loyalty when it comes to being there for each other, for the most part, respect, have so much in common and most of the time, on the same wave length. i think with what we have now, we can build a strong relationship. so, what i want from this relationship, is commitment.

 

yeah, i'm sorry...i'm probably making this more complicated than what it is. i'm confused, i don't know if he's just scared, not ready or like you said, just playing me. i know he misses me or at least that's what he's saying. like i said, what he misses, i don't know.

 

i don't take things personally, have an open mind and appreciate your honesty!

[Batya33]

If he misses you enough he will give you the commitment. I think that is essential from which to build trust and all the rest in a healthy romantic relationship. If he is that interested he will do the work to heal his wounds - is he seeing a therapist or counselor?