...is he just ASKING for me to dump him?

[SpeedingCars]

My boyfriend has been completely swarmed with work lately, working close to 12+ hours a day. I haven't seen him in about 2 weeks and college is starting for us. He also has family issues: he's moving out with his cousin near December (his mom is starting to become unbearable to live with, etc.)

 

I'm trying to be understanding but I find it hard because I feel neglected now. I feel like he's being completely SELFISH and hasn't been putting our relationship as a priority. He still manages to call me every night, but we don't talk as much as we used to. I don't want to think negatively like this and it hurts me to be angry at him...

 

I told him it doesn't feel like we're in a "relationship" anymore and I asked him several times if he still wants to be in one or not, considering the fact that he's so "stressed". I put into consideration he doesn't have as much time for me anymore, which is why I put the question out there on the table. It was a chance for him to leave...

 

He replied with: "Why do you ask me these things?" or "What are you trying to say?"..

 

I understand people deal with stress differently... but I take his way of dealing with it as a rejection.

 

My question Is this his way of prodding me to go ahead and break up with him? I've heard stories of guys treating their girlfriends badly and neglecting the relationship so they go ahead and break it off, which saves the guy the trouble and "drama".

 

 

Comments, opinions, experiences... anything?

Thank you in advance.

[DN]

Does he have a real choice about the hours he works. Is he being unreasonable about his mother? Are you being less that understanding of his situation while he is so stressed about things?

[redrose85]

Yeah I really don't think that this is about you. He's busy, and he has a lot going on. I'm sure that in his head you are the first priority, but he just can't put that into action right now. He IS calling you every night, which is probably quite a feat right now, considering his schedule. Just relax, get our with your friends, and give him some space to work out his personal issues. If you keep nagging him and hinting at a breakup, you're just going to push him away. Sounds like he needs your support more than ever.

[SpeedingCars]

DN,

He can't control the hours he works, no. And he is being reasonable about his mother... she's making him pay $500+ for this dent on her car that he didn't even make o_O

 

I should actually be more considerate, I guess.

 

redrose85,

Thank you for your input.

I don't know what to do right now. We got into a little argument last night... I don't know if I should leave him alone or call him to talk.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Well, he seems to have alot on his mind. And thought being in a relationship means you need to make it a priority, the basic needs still DO com first (e.g. money, living conditions, school, etc). The key is finding a balance.

You feel he is being selfish, but in my opinion, you are being selfish without realising it. You need to put yourself in his shoes, and imagine you had to work +12 hours a day. By the time you get home you just have enough time to eat and maybe veg a bit infront of the tv, make a phone call and go to sleep. It won't help the situation if your BF/Gf keeps asking you if your trying to break up, or don't want to be with her. From his point of view your trying to dump him just b/c things are a bit tough. You are just going to make him more stressed. I admit that in his mind the relationship isn't a priority, but by making him feel guilty you will just push him away.

If you really love him and wouldn't want to lose him, I would suggest finding hobbies/interests to keep busy so you don't feel like you miss him so bad and to get your mind of things a bit.

I dumped a BF once, b/c things got rough. He had time for me yet we both had alot of personal space, maybe a bit too much for it to seem like a relationship, and he started talking about moving away(which he eventually never did) and asked me to move away with him.

I wasn't willing to do this and didn't want to work thru our rough patch. So I dumped him. He got back with his ex and she is now pregnant. So basically I pretty much lost him forever. And he was probably the nicest BF I ever had who never hurt me.

So my point is: do you love him enough to work thru this rough patch?

[SpeedingCars]

JeckyllNHyde,

Yes, I do love him enough to work through this rough patch.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself because I assured him in the beginning I wouldn't turn my back on him and I let him know I was "there" for him for anything... and now it seems I'm starting to turn my back when things get a little tough.

 

Thank you for your experience... I realize I am being selfish.

And I'm sorry to hear that you lost him.

I hope everything worked out though.

[segagirl]

Either you love him and can stand by him in difficult times, or you can't. The best way to strengthen your bond during this time is to be supportive, loving and embrace every moment you do have. Nothing in life is a guarantee...but why not enjoy the good while you have it.

Best of luck to you and your sweetie.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Thanks. Well we remained friends but I haven't managed to meet a guy to maintain a relationship since. I always got the "wrong" guys. But it's only been less then a year I guess.

I am glad you realised that you want to work thru your rough patch. It will take some patience, but just try and keep busy, maybe get a part-job yourself. It really does have it's positives. I did that with my ex-bf I gave the example of. And while he was working, so was I , so I understood things for him a bit better, (kept busy, gained experiences and earned cash as well) when he would say: "I was busy all day at work". Some things you can only understand after being in the other persons shoes. And see if maybe on his free days you guys can meet up at least. Good luck to you.

[Hope75]

I think he's asking you if you want to end things. Sounds like he's going through a really tough time right now, and instead of being needy and demanding to him and just adding to his stress, maybe you could be a bit more supportive and help him ride through this tough time.

[redrose85]

Since he's calling you every night, I'm guessing that he does want to talk, and he is looking for your support and any advice you can give him. Maybe he just needs empathy in regards to what is going on with his family right now.

[Lana0120]

It doesn't sound like he wants to break up with you. Especially if he's making the effort to keep in touch with you daily over the phone when he's very busy.

[SpeedingCars]

JeckyllNHyde,

That is TOO true! We never really know until we actually do put ourselves in their shoes. I was going to get a part-time job, but somehow I got sidetracked.. o_O Heh... and we all seem to get the "wrong" guys at one point. But if we didn't, how could we ever separate the bad ones from the good ones?

 

Thank you for your replies/input (Lana, GHDancer, RedRose, Hope, Sega...)!

It really cleared my head and put things into persepective.

I agree- basically, I'll stop complaining and being so negative about it. I'll stand by the man I love and if somewhere along the line, things don't work out... at least I tried my best to be there for him.

 

Btw, he called me today after he got off church and guess where he was headed to? WORK! But I supported him and we ended the conversation on a good note. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping we'll be able to spend time soon.

 

Again, thank you!

[JeckyllNHyde]

that's great

hey btw why don't you guys go to church together?

i once went with an ex and i loved it. but yea. maybe he just like going on his own as well. you could bring it up however. just an idea for you guys to get some time in together.

[SpeedingCars]

Ooh... yeah, definitely.

I'm not religious at all! I'm more agnostic. He's Christian and his father is the pastor there, so it's a whole family thing for them.

Also, his parents don't REALLY know about me... he's not "officially" allowed to date, I guess... but same here. We're 18 and our parents still don't like the idea of us being in a serious relationship at this age. We're "too young"...

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ohh, ok I understand it a bit better now. That's probably another reason why he can't go out late after work, etc to meet you and he calls instead for a quick chat. Going out would mean having to explain it to his parents. I have been in that situation too when I was younger. That alone used to add stress to my dating-life (which wasn't so busy, but still.. lol.)