Did I make a big mistake?

[lauthoma]

My ex-boyfriend called me at 2:30 in the morning last night and invited me to his cottage for 4 days...just the 2 of us. I had been in NC for 7 days prior to this phone call.

 

Yes, I still have feelings for my ex. We broke up 4 months ago and have remained in contact ever since. This was my first real try at NC. When he broke up with me he said he loves me but doesn't have the feelings to move the relationship to the next step. He is a wonderful person and I don't harbour any hard feelings toward him but I do still love him.

 

My question is, did I make a mistake in saying yes to going to the cottage with him? I can't really back out now so if I did make a mistake can you please give me suggestions on how to handle things while we are up at the cottage and what to do when we get back? Thank you all for your support.

[DN]

Why do you think he asked you?

 

Unless he wants to get back together to make a proper relationship work - separate bedrooms.

[CatsMeeoow]

It's hard to say what he's trying to do...

 

Maybe he just wants to feel where things are at OR maybe he's ready to take the next step.

 

What you have to ask yourself is - what do you want? This should be about you and not him.

 

Are you hoping for a reconcilliation? Or are you ready to move on?

 

If you are ready to move on you have every right to back out of going to the cottage no matte what you told him.

 

If you are hoping to patch things up then you must be willing to take the risk and by risk you have no idea what his intentions are. You could end up hurt again and you'll be right back where you started. But, maybe he is ready to give the commitment you were once looking for.

 

Life and love are about risks - there are no guarantees. You have to be okay with you if you have any hope of having this be a success. You have to be okay that you may go and return more broken hearted. If you are not okay with that - don't go.

 

If this were my ex offerring this (he broke up with me to) I would go. I would realize that it does not mean we are full throttle again but we are testing the waters. I'm still at a point where I want to take that risk - Ihe still means enough to me to take that risk.

 

This is a big crossroads. I understand your confusion. Take some time to think about/make a list of the pros and cons.

[cnfsdnluv]

I definitely think you should have said "no" as you are both confused in where you stand in this "relationship". However, you can go and see why he wanted you to be there. I would recommend taking it REALLY slow, separate bedrooms and keeping your guard up.

 

Honestly, maybe he does want to reconcile - perhaps thinking the BEST of why he wants you there isn't a bad idea?

[Hope75]

Like DN I definitely think you need to talk to him about what his intentions are with this trip. You know that you are not OK with being just friends, or just sleeping together without any relationship status or commitment- so if he isn't on the same page as you, going on this trip is only going to blur things even more and let him get what he wants from you, without any real work of a committed relationship.

 

Be careful here.

 

What exactly did he say?

 

Anything about trying to work things out?

[lauthoma]

He basically asked me what my plans are for next week because he's heading up to the cottage and would like to know if I want to go with him. We discussed some prior commitments I had to rearrange and he helpedme figure those things out (my brain wasn't functioning very well after being woken up at 2:30 a.m.)

He didn't say anything about working on things just that he is going up to the cottage and wanted to know what my week looked like and if I could get away. He might just be inviting me because he knows I have the time off. He might just be inviting me because he needs somebody to drive the boat while he waterskis. I know he likes to hang out with me because we have very similiar interests when we are up at the cottage (golf, waterskiing and drinking in the sun!!!). He might just be inviting me because he likes my company.

 

Because we have remained in contact since our breakup (except the last 7 days) he could be just looking at this as a friendship thing and that is okay with me. I took time over the past 7 days to evaluate my life and our situation and I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. Like I said, he's a great person...somebody I would have chosen to be friends with if we were not in a relationship.

[lauthoma]

Just so you know I am not going up to the cottage with hopes of reconciliation. I am going up there to get away and have some fun before I return to work next week. I just need some advice on how I should handle things while I am up there with him and what to do when I get back. If I play my cards right maybe a reconciliation will happen and I don't want to screw that up by doing the wrong things.

[Hope75]

Just so you know I am not going up to the cottage with hopes of reconciliation. I am going up there to get away and have some fun before I return to work next week. I just need some advice on how I should handle things while I am up there with him and what to do when I get back. If I play my cards right maybe a reconciliation will happen and I don't want to screw that up by doing the wrong things.

 

 

You admit that you still love him and you actually are hoping for a reconciliation at some point- so my above advice still stands. If you go, make sure you are sleeping in separate bedrooms. If he tries to put moves on you, ask him if this is 'just for fun' or if he actually wants to try and work things out. Otherwise you are letting him get what he wants on his terms and he does not have to commit to you or put in any effort for a relationship.

 

I think you are putting your needs on the back burner because you are willing to take whatever you can get from him- even though you are not really happy just being friends because you love him and are still hoping for a reconciliation.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Hope.

 

Call me simple: I think he called you to go because he is horny.

 

2:30 in the morning. Re-arranging your 'prior' commitments so you could go.

 

It doesn't sound like he is thinking of you much here, just himself, and that he wants you there away from other people for a few weeks of fun.

 

Danger! Danger!

 

This is an ex, not a bf, not a friend, 'member.

[lauthoma]

Thank you all for your input. I am definitely making it a sex-free week as I have given into the temptations in the past and realized he was getting exactly what he wanted...to be with me sexually but not to be with me in a relationship...and put me back at square one for the recovery process.

 

Hope75, I like your advice on what to say if he does try to put the moves on me. I will use that if the need arises.

 

Thanks again to everybody for replying and giving me some sound advice and opinions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you should treat this as you are going to spend time at a cottage with a friend....in other words...keep it strictly platonic. Separate bedrooms, no cuddling, no kisses NOTHING. If he is only out for sex, and he puts the moves on you, you might not get an honest answer if you ask where the relationship is going. In the moment of horniness, he could promise you the moon and once he gets what he wants, he won't deliver. If he puts the moves on you then you have to be strong enough to say that this is not what you want, that you want a full-fledged relationship....and if he tries to convince you that this is what he wants to, then you have to be strong enough to tell him that you need to take it slow...no sex, no prelude to sex until you are more firmly established as a couple once again.

 

Separate bedrooms doesn't mean that there won't be the tempatation for sex. Alone at a cottage...there are numerous places the deed can be done other than the bedroom. I would suggest no close contact on couches.

[lauthoma]

Crazyaboutdogs, you bring up a very good point. Men will say anything in the moment of horniness. I don't want a couple of hours of passion, and I won't settle for that. Even if he promises me the moon and the stars I will not give in. If he really wants to have a relationship with me then he will be willing to wait and take things slowly.

 

Thank you so much for your advice.

[john84]

i only think you made a mistake if you don't want a relationship with him. Approach this situation with confidence, if he's really interested make him work for it, don't be mean..just play it cool.

[lauthoma]

It's good to hear a male's perspective on the situation Thanks john84 for your input.