Why do we always want to break NC?/What to I do now?

[Murasaki]

So we went through our break ups. Talking to them or finding out about their lives hurts us. Seeing them happy or enjoying themselves hurts us. Knowing that they are with someone else or moving on hurts us. Putting them on a pedestal hurts us. Knowing that they go on scot-free after doing something painful to us hurts us.

 

But why do we want to break NC and reopen old wounds?

 

I think we all have different reasons, here's mine:

 

My ex was someone that I really admired. She always seemed so happy, so focused, so goofy, so intelligent, so driven. When she broke up with me I kind of felt as if my character was indicted. I felt as if I was on the defensive, like I was someone that she disapproved of. What I didn't realize is that her breaking up with me didn't mean I was a bad person . . . it didn't even mean that she felt that way. NC for me was important, but I was disappointed that I wouldn't get the opportunity to be a part of her life. I felt that she would be doing new and exciting things without giving me a thought, and that made me feel very unimportant. The idea of going into NC made me sad, because not only did she seem apathetic, almost happy and flippant about it, but the finality frightened me.

 

Though, what I know now is that

 

-My character can be indicted by no one but me . . . I acknowledge my own mistakes but ultimately I'm a decent guy

-I can fill my life with new and exciting things of my own, I shouldn't derive joy from being part of someone else's before I enjoy my own

-My primary joy comes from the thoughts I have about myself, not from the thoughts someone has about me

-Her feelings about NC were because I was no more than a casual friend to her. In truth, trying to keep a friendship like this up would have hurt me over and over.

 

I feel like I've come through a big tunnel in recovering, but now I feel hardened and don't even recognize myself. Where do I go from here? Feel free to give your own reasons.

[ivanhoe]

I appreciate how you feel, I respected and admired my ex girlfriend very much indeed and when she ended our relationship it certainly feels like an indictment of our characters from a valid source. I'm using this period of NC to reflect, a lot of what my ex said was spot on and if I want to have a healthy relationship I need to change some things.

 

I feel differently about my ex though, the thought of her happy makes me happy, whether I am with her or not and I've always felt like that about her. It's only been a couple of months for me and it's only been in the last week that I have been able to take some time out and accept the fact that my girlfriend has finished it and we are no longer a couple. I understand how you feel you have developed in terms of hardening i.e. moving on but it's essential. I'm teetering on the edge, I want my ex back but there is very little I can do about the situation but go NC. If this makes me less attracted to her, if she doesn't contact me, if she does, I do not know but I guess whatever happens I will have a tool in my armoury to deal with difficult situations better in the future.

[Cuppedia]

Hello, I think there's a possibility you went through the logical part and can understand properly what happened and how you feel as a result of knowing exactly what's inside of you but time might be necessary to let go of those things.

 

For example, you can suddenly start missing her, then you acknowledge it but maybe you don't move on to the next thing as fast, it can be because it's a recent thing so little by little you won't pay as much attention to certain conclusions, you'll see and know them but there's going to be no need to spend a lot of time or thoughts going over them.

 

As for breaking NC you got it right, there's a part of us that needs to know the relationship is not over, even if the reason is bad and the relationship was worse, even if we no longer want it, endings are difficult.

[bubblyblonde11]

Not breaking NC is possible. I really do not want to ever speak with my ex again after he dumped me in such a cruel way IMO.

 

I think it is all about how it finished, your own mindset & stregth, how you were when together.

 

Mine had alot of issues hence probably my determination.

[Benjyh]

The reason why i feel like breaking NC is the sheer change in my life, from talking every single day to over 30 days of not talking to her seems like such an odd feeling, but before we met i spent 22 years not talking to her, so i dont see why it feels so odd now.

 

i put my on a huge pedestal i used to wait at home not really doing anything else or talking to anyone else waiting for her to get home and for her to only talk to me for 5 mins before leaving again. i know now that it wasnt healthy and she treated me like dirt, but at that time i was so head over heals i didnt care.

 

i still care for her, and would 1 day when i have moved on be friends as i feel we had a special connection which i think is what lead us to be together but distance and other factors caused her to break up with me. LDR's Suck!

 

but i am going to wait until i am truly over her before trying to make any contact with her,as i dont want to feel like i did again, cos im not sure i could make it.

[papalazarou]

There will come a point as well when you realise that after the umpteenth time of breaking NC you realise they aint coming back or have changed their mind at all.

 

Then you will go NC and realise this time that by breaking it yet again you are setting yourself up for more pain, disappointment etc etc.

 

It may take a few days, for some poor souls it takes months and for those I really feel for you because you have postponed your healing, however eventually you wont break NC.

[tushboy]

Break NC as many times as you want, it will only strengthen your resolve to keep it tight as you do so...Trust me...I struggled for a month with NC..but now I am keeping it !