Tape Measure Phobia? (calling all MEN, especially)

[tiredofvampires]

I have a question that has sort of haunted me since I was with my bf, now my ex. And even though we are history, I find myself wondering STILL about something and hope someone can enlighten me about this.

 

He was extraordinarily endowed, so much so that if he'd a mind to make films, he certainly could've. I'd never been with a man so generously "blessed" in all my born days. To boot, he had the stamina to match -- he could have multiple climaxes. So naturally, I couldn't stop showering him with praise and adoration over his statuesque member. I would gush over it (verbally), telling him how awesome it was, sometimes joking around, "Don't you just go around every single day, walking down the street knowing what an amazing STUD you are?" Strangely, his answer to this was a firm, unamused and dismissive, "NO." Which was very odd, because he prided himself in his prowess as a lover, was quite adventuresome and uninhibited otherwise, and ate affection up sideways.

 

Well, one time, I was being especially playful and exuberant over it, and jumped up to get a tape measure to see what his dimensions actually were. When I came back with it, he nearly recoiled, saying, "I don't wanna do that." I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my sails and was flabbergasted -- I thought he would find it cute and fun (the truth is that I was curious, but this really didn't matter to me, size doesn't even matter to me, it was more just to glorify him and have some "I handled THAT!" pride from the whole thing). I asked him what was wrong and he was very evasive. He said all women seem to want to do that. So I asked him if he didn't feel comfortable because "everyone else did it?" He said no. I asked if it was because he felt "objectified" somehow (thinking it's like how women feel objectified and self-conscious about their breasts.) He denied all of these brainstorms of mine, and when I said, "What then, please, I want to know why this bothers you. I won't do it if you don't want me to, I don't want to pressure you...but I just want to understand you, what's wrong?" He just totally failed to communicate, saying "I'd have to think about it." Which I think was just to get me off his back, since I feel certain he's thought about it before, and is a self-reflective person.

 

I just want to know -- other than any personal idiosyncrasies or history aside -- would any of you guys care to take a stab at what could have caused him to feel this way? Do men ever feel BAD about their penis size when it's big? Or self-conscious in some way? Why would he not want to show that off, or at least let me have that fun?

 

BTW, he also said he'd never "bothered" to measure it in his life. Do you think it's possible he was telling the truth? I can't imagine a man not doing that. How many of you measure yourselves at some point and is this the "norm"? Do you think he was lying?

 

I've just never heard of this reaction. Thanks for any and all replies.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, thank you THEFIRST for being the first to answer my post, lol.

 

Like I said, size really doesn't matter to me at ALL -- it was more just to give him a "boost" in feeling kind of "kinglike" and also because I really did wonder! And, I would measure it when it was fully erect, of course -- not much sense in measuring a flaccid penis, as that's not the point, haha. It was just a frivolous little "surprise" thing I thought he'd find fun, but BOY was I wrong. I certainly wouldn't need it to be intimate, and we had some very emotional and UNfrivolous sex, too.

 

It sounds like you had a good first experience and have a healthy attitude.

 

Thanks for the feedback, and too bad you can't go on and on (you should read MY posts, LOL!!), but we can't piss off the ex.

[Orlander]

He probably just didn't like the attention "it" garnered. I dont see anything really unusual about his reactions, given what you have told us. Try to see it from his perspective, I guess. If you are enjoying his "gift" then continue enjoying it, but I am sure he doesn't need to hear constantly that he is well endowed...he knows he is.

[Siriana]

Hey, this is amazing - my ex wasn't the only one.

Now I figured out something I never even thought about.

I had very similar experience as you did.

 

2 years ago I was dating a guy who was really endowed - it was such a nice picture.

You just can't take your eyes of him - I was like a little girl in a candy shop looking lollipops.

And boy, he had a magic stick (o.k. too much 50 cent in this sentence).

I was also thinking wow, if I were a guy and had something so perfect in my pants I would walk down the street as the proudest man ever.

heh.

 

I guess when they have such a nice piece of...it isn't any different than us having nice breasts or perfect ass.

It's just there. You got it. You had nothing to do with getting it, it's not like you earned it - you've just been extra lucky (well except plastic surgery if you're a woman lol).

It doesn't make you any happier as a person and sometimes it even doesn't make you feel more attractive.

And when someone compliments parts of your body to often you feel thats the only thing they appreciate.

And as I figured out on my skin I prefer being complimented about my personality more than about my looks.

 

So yes, I complimented my ex about his penis but it didn't impress him.

He wanted to hear more personal and sensitive compliments.

 

Oh, and as a proof they can feel objectified, once my ex asked me why have you been with me after all?

I said because you had a big one - I was joking, even had a smile on my face.

You should have seen a look on his face.

He even asked and that's it, I had a big one? nothing else was good?

And I said well it was a big one - still laughing. lol (what can i say he ended up being a huge jerk, i couldn't resist)

 

So yes, they can feel objectified - but they don't like the sound of that word in their little macho word because it makes them feel like feminists who have beard and mustache.

[ProtestTheHero]

It's just not something that some of us like to do. I guess I'm average/little more than average and my gf's last bf was small. I'm no wear near what you described as superman in the original post, just avg. like I said.

 

I didn't like it when she talked about it, simply because I just dislike that that would play any part in her preferring me. Questions like "Well, what if I was smaller...would she stay?" Stuff like that. So yeah, I didn't want it to be made into any sort of deal, and it just annoyed me whenever the issue in general was brought up.

 

I don't think a guy feels "studlier" because of it. It's a body part that doesn't help out at all in initial attraction, and if a girl loves you a little smaller isn't a big deal anyways. I'd much rather be Johnny Depp wielding 3 inches than myself wielding more, lol.

 

It's just a stupid extension.

[Altruist]

I think it makes a man feel like a piece of meat in the market place. As if the woman only wants me for the size of my member.

[tiredofvampires]

Wow, this is quite enlightening so far! Now I'm actually feeling like I did something wrong!

 

Orlander -- hey, thanks for the guy perspective on this that you gave. Though I have to wonder,

 

If you are enjoying his "gift" then continue enjoying it, but I am sure he doesn't need to hear constantly that he is well endowed

 

why that is, because I know while there is such a thing as being smothered, I don't usually mind my guy saying again and again how beautiful I am, either in a whole sense or part by part. I mean, I can't imagine hearing that I have beautiful breasts (or other parts) too often. It hasn't really happened, so maybe I haven't been adequately "oversaturated" with it, lol. I've been complimented and all I know is that I have trouble thinking of it as anything but an ego boost that guys seem to unanimously want. I guess I figured there is so much hoopla over men wanting large penises, I'd give credit where credit is due -- and then it's too much? I feel like ya can't win, then! Interesting...

 

Syrix -- thank goodness I'm not the only one, thank you for sharing your similar story!

 

And boy, he had a magic stick (o.k. too much 50 cent in this sentence).

 

LOL!!! Well, don't worry, it's not like it's a dollar! Too funny...

 

I was also thinking wow, if I were a guy and had something so perfect in my pants I would walk down the street as the proudest man ever.

 

You know, now that is EXACTLY what I'm talking about! I just kept thinking that! Once again -- with all the hype we women hear about a man wanting to possess that kind of goods, how does this then become a complex of some kind? If you have a smaller one (or even average one), you go around with this slight penis envy of men who seem to have all that -- but the all-that men may have some other complex we don't even know about because they feel all we care about is their sex organ?

 

This is why I hated the fact that my ex was a very private, closed person -- because I wanted to be able to ask what sort of experiences he'd had in the past that might have made him feel reduced to a phallus. Maybe they made him feel alienated? Maybe diminished as a whole person? Maybe it was a bit traumatic? I just wanted to know. I thought ALL men would want to show it off and were proud, but boy was I wrong. The funny thing is that I wasn't just with him for that, and that wasn't the only thing I complimented him on, either physically or otherwise. I think I told him just as often or more how sweet his voice was, how I loved his kind of laugh and how he was so smart. I am very generous with compliements, but temper it by the person I am with -- and he was someone who actually loved a ton of demonstrative affection, so it's not like he wasn't after compliments. I tried to distribute them all over his being, but in this one area, it's almost like there was a sensitivity there that I didn't see coming.

 

Syrix, I think this probably hits the nail on the head (no pun intended):

 

So yes, they can feel objectified - but they don't like the sound of that word in their little macho word because it makes them feel like feminists who have beard and mustache.

 

Hmm! Well, I thought as much...ha ha..yeah. I see what you're saying, I hadn't thought of it that way. I gave him the chance to tell me he felt objectified -- and you're saying basically, he did but couldn't admit it. Interesting!! He didn't come off or look like a macho guy, but he had macho streaks running through him for sure, so this would make perfect sense. "I'm too secure to be 'objectified'" Horse poo? What else could it be then!

[Altruist]

When you're well endowed you get a lot of comments, anywhere from the public showers to guys in the public restrooms whispering about you behind your back. It can be frustrating. Your boyfriend has probably had enough of those comments and having all the focus on his penis. It's like when a beautiful woman gets hit on all the time. She eventually doesnt enjoy all the fixation on her beauty.

[tiredofvampires]

Gosh, the more responses I get from men (thank you!) the more I feel completely stunned because of all the "pride" I've been given to believe men have about this.

 

What's upsetting me now is that I never EVER led him to believe that that's all I loved him for. We were in an LDR and I knew him and was in love with him for HIM 6 months prior to even meeting him (and come to think of it, he told me he was "small" -- a white lie during that "blind" courtship phase, and I was expecting...whatever! It didnt' matter to me!)

 

I mean, how can a man feel like a "piece of meat" unless I'm treating him like he's just a sex object in and out of the bedroom?

 

Man, I feel kinda bad now! Geez, note to self: "Things NOT to tell your well-endowed bf or keep reminding him: How amazing your ---- is!"

 

Ok, so this is not a matter of having a bad experience where someone ONLY wants you for that?

[tiredofvampires]

When you're well endowed you get a lot of comments, anywhere from the public showers to guys in the public restrooms whispering about you behind your back. It can be frustrating. Your boyfriend has probably had enough of those comments and having all the focus on his penis. It's like when a beautiful woman gets hit on all the time. She eventually doesnt enjoy all the fixation on her beauty.

 

I totally get what you're saying. But then -- isn't this the definition of objectification? Which is exactly what I asked him if he felt and he said 'No'? Is syrix right then, that it feels emasculating to answer yes to that question, it's something you wouldn't want to admit feeling?

 

Hmmm, and I hadn't thought about the whispers coming from other men and so forth...I can see that...

[Altruist]

Ok, so this is not a matter of having a bad experience where someone ONLY wants you for that?

 

No. Like I mentioned in my last contribution if a man gets a lot of comments about his size every time he starts to feel uneasy about it (maybe even embarrassed about it). Try to picture a woman with large breasts who gets a lot of comments about them whenever she walks. When she gets home and her SO starts making those comments too she is not going to be really happy. That's how I see it.

[Altruist]

I totally get what you're saying. But then -- isn't this the definition of objectification? Which is exactly what I asked him if he felt and he said 'No'? Is syrix right then, that it feels emasculating to answer yes to that question, like you would want to admit that's the way you feel?

 

Hmmm, and I hadn't thought about the whispers coming from other men and so forth...I can see that...

 

Yes, that's the definition of objectification. I guess he just didn't want to admit it. I don't know why. Maybe he feels small. It's strange - more like the handsome guys that we have in the Attraction and Flirting forum who just cannot accept that they are handome no matter how many positive comments they get from the women on ENA.

[Siriana]

Once again -- with all the hype we women hear about a man wanting to possess that kind of goods, how does this then become a complex of some kind? If you have a smaller one (or even average one), you go around with this slight penis envy of men who seem to have all that -- but the all-that men may have some other complex we don't even know about because they feel all we care about is their sex organ?

 

hahaha, don't worry!

It's the same as with us women.

How many times they see us complicated?

We're the same...no difference.

Being insecure and complicated is not our privilege only. lol

 

Oh, and it's nice to now how some other women except me know how to enjoy visual part of sex and how to be thrilled with a good looking.....penis

 

I compliment my current bf on his penis. He has no problem with it - it makes him happy. I guess because he's of average size lol

It's like when he compliments my B cup. It makes me happy because I know it's only a B cup.

If I had a D i would feel awkward.

[tiredofvampires]

Yes, that's the definition of objectification. I guess he just didn't want to admit it. I don't know why. Maybe he feels small. It's strange - more like the handsome guys that we have in the Attraction and Flirting forum who just cannot accept that they are handome no matter how many positive comments they get from the women on ENA.

 

You see, this is fascinating -- because it seems soooo ironic. If I got off-topic about all the ways this man of mine felt small, and how I had to constantly stroke his ego emotionally because of his insecurities and what was really a very deep sense of wanting to "measure up" in other areas of his life, it would appear so absurd that complimenting him, especially where he is big in such a "manhood" way, wouldn't just be music to his ears!

 

Wait a minute. Did I just have an epiphany? If he feels small as a person, maybe feeling he is only big with his penis feels like even more of a defeat at being "big" in a more complete sense as a human being.

 

I do feel your words resonate about the handsome guys who can't believe it -- I felt that no matter what I said or did to prove my love and care for him, he was a bottomless pit of needing more to cement it. Which is just why I kept on telling him all these things to pump him up, thinking this would help! Maybe I just made it worse by bringing attention to the one thing that is not an "accomplishment" per se but just luck! ](*,)

[tiredofvampires]

hahaha, don't worry!

It's the same as with us women.

How many times they see us complicated?

We're the same...no difference.

Being insecure and complicated is not our privilege only. lol

 

I know! Doesn't it make you wonder...what would a man with PMS be like? Scarrry .....(sorry guys, you know I'm just kidding 'round!)

 

Oh, and it's nice to now how some other women except me know how to enjoy visual part of sex and how to be thrilled with a good looking.....penis

 

Oh, yes, I really do! The funniest thing about this is that it actually hurt me sometimes, physically, so in a way, it was a bit difficult for me! When I first saw it, I was a bit -- intimidated and scared! I could appreciate it so much for its beauty, but when it comes to actual usage, I really am fine with a nice, shapely average one, that'll do just fine thank you. (all men with penis insecurities about small size, are you reading this thread??? I hope so!!) Grass is always greener....*sigh*

[tiredofvampires]

I compliment my current bf on his penis. He has no problem with it - it makes him happy. I guess because he's of average size lol

It's like when he compliments my B cup. It makes me happy because I know it's only a B cup.

If I had a D i would feel awkward.

 

That's interesting, because I have a D cup and I feel sometimes like it's "too much" (I think B is perfect) so when I am complimented about my breasts it really makes me feel good (I think I've just been with guys who weren't really "breast" men who craved large ones on their woman.)

 

You would feel awkward because you'd feel loved only for your cup size?

[Siriana]

That's interesting, because I have a D cup and I feel sometimes like it's "too much" (I think B is perfect) so when I am complimented about my breasts it really makes me feel good (I think I've just been with guys who weren't really "breast" men who craved large ones on their woman.)

 

You would feel awkward because you'd feel loved only for your cup size?

 

 

I am happy he compliments them because that's a part of my body I am not too happy about.

Not insecure either, but you can find better breasts on the "market" for sure!

So you're not so thrilled with your D cup sometimes so when someone compliments it you're happy.

The same way with me, I am would rather had a smaller C than B so because of that I am happy when my bf says he loves my breasts.

 

You know, grass looks always greener on the other side.hehehe

When you have curly hair you wish you had straight.

When you have a D you wish for a B.

lol

 

If I had a D I would think, oh, no not another guy who is horny about my breasts. I feel like a teenager again.

Since my breasts don't attract so much attention I feel good when they're noticed.

[tiredofvampires]

Yeah, I hear ya!

 

If I had a D I would think, oh, no not another guy who is horny about my breasts. I feel like a teenager again.

 

So maybe this is how my ex felt about his penis. Bummer.

 

Certainly so true -- the grass is always greener...'tis human nature...

[Cimmie]

I imagine he would have felt objectified. Was he into his own 'performance' as a lover?

 

I don't know, but I imagine that your emphasis on it may have made him self-conscious. The fact that he described himself as 'small' in an earlier email makes me think that he has experienced past lovers fetishizing his member and is insecure about that. I imagine that not all men would find being described as a 'stud' flattering.

 

They want to be loved for who they are, warts and all, penis size and all. Maybe (pardon the awful joke) he thought you couldn't see the trees for the wood...

[Spugly Fuglet]

I kind of know how he felt, Im avirage down there but I spent a long time studying sex, I had some very good teachers in some of my old gfs.

 

Befor I met my wife, some of my gf would say stuff about things I did that hit the spot, theres now trick to its its just laring sex and then laring them, finding out what makes them tick in the bed room.

 

But some made a big deal out of it once I had worked out what flicked there swhich, from then on some times it would only be that which centered our relationship, I was second to the act.

 

J who I was with for 3 years told me she hah never had a real orgazem until I worked out what really made her exsited, its was nothing clever just a combination of things that when done at the right speed and right order pushed her beyound what she was used to. She showed her next guy it once we broke up, (there marred now and good freands)

 

all I can say is if your only known for getting it right in bed, through hard work or gods gifts it can be a bit off putting in the rest of the relationship, best praze other things as well.

[WWBG]

Imagine if you were rich. How would you feel if your bf asked you for copies of your W2 and 1040 so he could brag about you for your wealth?

 

I have to agree it would be the same as if a woman with huge knockers was glorified as such. How would you feel if your man always praised your rack and then one day wanted to measure it so he could say "wow, I handled that".

 

As was said earlier, a person "blessed" with abundance in a physical attributes begins to wonder whether or not a person is with him for him, or for long john silver down there. I've heard flat chested women express thanks because they know that a man is with her for her, and not just for the twin peaks.

 

On a semi-related note, this is the reason why there is an institution/support group called the "sudden money institute". For people who suddenly come into huge amounts of money, they find it very hard to get support from their regular friends. Can you imagine complaining to average joe about how your millions are making you miserable? Their response would probably be "boo hoo, I wish I had THOSE problems".

[Batya33]

I would feel insulted if someone who loved/cared about me was that focused on my "size" that he asked me to measure myself or wanted to measure me. I'd feel objectified and would wonder given that focus if that was a main reason he was with me. If I were with a man like you described it wouldn't make a difference to me as far as attraction and I would never presume that it was something he was proud of or wanted to discuss other than the occasional comment.

 

It sounds like you lavished those sorts of "compliments" because you thought he needed them to feel loved - and perhaps that made it worse - he probably could tell why you were doing that which made him feel even weaker.

 

And, great pun, Cimmie!

[tiredofvampires]

I imagine he would have felt objectified. Was he into his own 'performance' as a lover?

 

I don't know, but I imagine that your emphasis on it may have made him self-conscious. The fact that he described himself as 'small' in an earlier email makes me think that he has experienced past lovers fetishizing his member and is insecure about that. I imagine that not all men would find being described as a 'stud' flattering.

 

I am not sure what you mean by was he "into" his own performance as a lover...? If you mean, did he pride himself in being a good lover, absolutely yes (and he was, having nothing to do with his penis size.) If you mean, was he insecure about being a good lover, no. I'm not sure what you mean exactly...

 

As for being called a "stud", since he was so proud of his sexual prowess, that was a word that came naturally to me. He was not a showy type (he also prided himself in being a very slyly seductive person, a "Spanish lover" who could kind of make women fall to his feet -- remember, this guy was at least somewhat narcissistic, so being PRAISED and ADULATED was what he was into), but he did seem to love the fact that I thougth he was so hot. He called me a "hot fox" all the time, so I called him my "super stud" and you know, I'm very surprised at these posts. I would be laughing and hugging and kissing him when I said that, I would be flaterring him in so many other areas, as I said. I wasn't some bottom feeder saying, "Hey, stud, whatcha got in your pants there?" at a bar!!! I was his beloved who wrote him love letters, folded his laundry and told him I felt it was so sweet to be able to cook for him and do these little things to pamper him, and so in the bedroom, saying at a hot and bothered moment, "Hey, you are such the stud, look at you, you are so awesom and gorgeous!" is something a guy wouldn't want? Well, that is news to me. We were always telling eachother how much we though the other was "hott" and "foxxy", so I think "stud" belongs in that category, doesn't it? The measuring thing seemed just an extension of that, kind of throwing a bit of a racy, naughtiness in there for curiosity. I couldn't imagine that unless this had been a liability (his size), that he'd not want to join in at least for a laugh and humoring me, sort of like shaving eachother down there for the first time to see it all. That was the spirit I brought to it anyway.

 

I am not sure why everyone is saying he would feel I only wanted him for his penis, when I showed him how much I loved him for every other thing about him -- his talents, his mind, his other body parts (was always telling him he had such a perfect butt, too!), his sense of style (which I don't have) -- there wasn't an aspect of our lives, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally that I didn't want him for, and so if we were in bed and doing all sorts of different things to please the other, part of it being to praise and laud the other (btw, he would run up to me with his camera to snap shots of me to "show me how gorgeous I look", so having an impressive image was not something alien to his thinking), I would have thought that this ONE THING I did was just part of that "I adore you, stop being so modest, flaunt it!!" attitude.

 

Also, maybe I have been so brainwashed by the media and hearing guys such as these here on ENA talking about their size, I wanted him to know how he stacked up so well. (I had had a previous lover also endowed well who I heaped on the compliments about and he felt nothing but happy and proud, and I thought most men would be, knowing I am SO not a superficial woman.) If you put my personality in context here, it's so ridiculous to think that all I want is a large penis, I can get a dildo for that, and as a matter of fact as I said, too much hurts. And it's not like I didn't make him know just how fantastic he made me feel in all OTHER ways (he could tell by my reactions that had nothing to do with his member that he was so appreciated!) I was simply accross the board enthusiastic, and this was just one facet among many, both in and out of the bedroom. I had not had any sex quite that before, and it felt to me like a celebration. I thought if he was shy, it would be a way to make him feel on top of the world, as I did with just about every other areas of our lives where I was ga-ga for him. So if he thought I "couldnt' see the trees through the wood" given our entire relationship, he would have to have been born blind himself.

 

The thing is, I DO feel like he thought of it inwardly as an asset in his lovemaking history.

 

If he felt objectified however, I gave him the chance to tell me that's how he felt. I gently and lovingly backed off, and asked him to communicate with me. He could have said that it was just something that had been hyper-focused on in the past, and so it's sort of a touchy subject, and I'd have GLADLY said, "Oh, darling! I am so sorry that's happened to you, but you know I love you all over! I love everything about you, my sweet, and the way you make me feel is just so wonderful...I just thought we'd have fun and celebrate how kingly you are!" So clearly, he didn't have any desire to really communicate to me and explore his feelings, but a sign of my love was that I was sensitive to them and open. So I thought.

 

I appreciate all the feedback I'm getting here, but it really makes me sound like I wasn't a woman showing enough affection in other areas, and since I was, I hope that the feedback can be given in that context, that I was NOT FOCUSING ALL MY ATTENTION AND PRAISE on this one thing. This was a broadly loving relationship....it seems a bit irrational to conclude after all the ways I adore his being that because I wanted to measure him, I cared only for that. And have to wonder if that's my fault, or something else he was bringing along in his psyche.

???

[Batya33]

I don't think it's fair to whip out the tape measure and expect him to be open with you if he feels uncomfortable about it. After all, you weren't open with him about your motivations for doing this - I think you wrote that it was because of what you had heard men liked to hear and so that you could continue to build up what you saw as his fragile ego. I wouldn't like to hear that that was someone's motivations - that would make me feel like you were following some sort of script and reinforce that you saw me as weak and someone who needed to be built up.

 

Sometimes when we act in a way that is risking hurting the other person's feelings we can't burden the other person with having to tell us that or give up the right to be hurt. When a man once told me I should wear more makeup and that his mother would teach me how to apply more makeup, I couldn't respond - I was in shock that someone could say such a thing to me. Same thing when I was told by someone I had started dating that he thought I had hang ups (intimately speaking) but that he was willing to work on it. When someone makes an outrageous comment or does something outrageous that is beyond reasonable bounds of appropriate behavior that person has to take the risk that the other person will not know how to respond and can't expect to know.

 

And, yes, I think it's pretty outrageous to ask another person you are sexually involved with to measure himself and actually bring out the tape measure especially since you had been dating him a relatively short time (I mean, in person). it sounds like you thought you knew him well but you didn't - obviously other men might have found it amusing.

[Cimmie]

To be brutally honest here, I don't think mutual flattery is signifier of intimacy - quite the reverse.

 

I find flattery embarrassing, and I would never try to flatter a man I was with because I would assume he was 'bigger' than that (OMG sorry for the puns;-))

 

A sincere compliment, sincerely delivered, counts for so much more, I think. I may joke about the 'stud' thing, but it would only ever be a joke, as I don't actually think that is complimentary. It hints that 'performance' is an issue somewhere, for someone. That is why I asked whether his own 'performance' was a big deal for him: for narcissists, it is usually a massive deal- they are usually not interested so much in experiencing deep intimacy with an 'other', than performing and being praised for so doing. Their 'object' can feel like no more than a masturbation aid or a mirror. They are incapable of deeper knowledge of another person.

 

I wonder why you felt the urge to heap praise and affirmation on him: was this something that was an implicit demand from him in the relationship?